To not “babysit” my stepchild?

[namechangedcusillbeflamed]

I am recently married (since January) after being with my DH for 3 years. He has DSS5.

Custody is set at half with dad, half with mum. Mum is in and out the picture quite a lot, has MH issues, and sometimes says she cannot have DSS on her days (she’s working/needs to clear her head/needs to take her DSD somewhere… etc).

Anyway, me and DH have lived together for around 18 months. Prior to getting married, I was not expected to look after DSS at all really. I would obviously spend time with him and DH together, and would be there if DH nipped the shop etc. DH always works on Monday and Tuesday until 8pm, so he usually left DSS with his mum (DSS grandma) on those nights. Since we moved in together that has slowly stopped, and he is with us now. This means when I get in from work at 6pm, I collect DSS from grandmas, bathe him and put him to bed.

We have DSS Friday until Tuesday every week - 4 nights. At the weekend, DH sometimes picks up extra shifts meaning that I am now de facto baby sitter. I looked after his all day Saturday as DH was working.

I feel awful. I really do love DSS, but it’s such a step up doing all this, and I feel like it is taken for granted. When I said to DH that I was knackered after working 7am-6pm and then doing bed time after not having much of a weekend. He said “welcome to my world, first time you’ve done a full parenting shift”

aibu to that this plan isn’t fair on me?? Or am I being a shit stepmum 😭

I wonder if he picked up those extra shifts to get out of parenting.

YANBU. Even if you were the child's actual mum, it would still be unreasonable for the dad to just unilaterally decide he is going to be doing weekend shifts, without checking with you. Exactly because you are a family now, he should be discussing these things with you, and not just decide on his own that you are going to watch his child.

He isn’t your child u don’t have any parental duties your husband is using you ! He has not discussed this just expected it that is rude !
put your foot down and say No

It’s this little boy I feel most for. How long before he realises he’s being pushed from pillar to post, Mum, Dad, Grandma and now Dads new wife, wondering who really wants me. It’s not about the adults here, it’s about a little boy who I daresay didn’t have any say about the position he’s in.

Where does she say she has "no interest in bearing childcare responsibilities"?

I must have missed that gem

Totally agree, I never see the point in access by proxy. Only on Planet Stepchild do you visit someone who’s not home ….

She should have been clear! If you intent to marry someone but don’t expect to be a family, then you need to be upfront about that.

No, it was on him to be clear.

THIS - with bells on

Being a family =\ taking on responsibility for his child.

Why do you think she wasn’t clear? He’s the one that pulled the bait and switch, not her. He knows full well she wasn’t (and isn’t) responsible for his child, and led her to believe he didn’t expect her to be.

Exactly this! Folk berating the OP when the issue is the mother who picks and chooses when to parent, and the the father since being married has suddenly decided to work more on his contact days, so another picking and choosing when to parent!

Sorry you knew he had a child yet still married him. What if something did happen to the child's mum, if she is citing mental health issues what if she did harm herself? What if she chose to cut contact completely, leaving the child's dad to care for them all the time?
There is even the possibility that illness could affect anyone at anytime.
If you were that against being around and helping raise his son then you should have walked away before things got serious.

She He should have been clear. If you intend to marry someone but don't expect to be a family, and then leave your son with your new wife and f off to work, then you he should be upfront about it.

Corrected it for you.

Some of these commentors are incredibly delusional. There is a significant (and legal) difference between being the bio parent, and being the stepparent.

Not to mention the complications of expecting someone who really has no background in childcare (that we know of) to just... take over? She's not a stranger but holy hell, that's a massive expectation simply because she's a woman who married a man with a child! This, coming from the same people who wouldn't trust their own siblings or in-laws to provide adequate, informed childcare for their own kids! Laughable.

If mum is dumping their child when it’s meant to be 50/50, should she not be paying maintenance to dad?

The original arrangement has changed so pp saying the OP shouldn’t have married her dh is not really fair.

What a lovely person you are. I would be the same. If you really love your partner I feel you would love his children too

Of course YANBU. Nothing about a marriage certificate suggests that you automatically take on additional parenting tasks and responsibilities that haven't even been discussed. He's taking the piss.

I think helping on Wednesday is OK but extra shifts at the weekend should be once in while , no more than once a month. Sit down and have this conversation with him or else he will take things more for granted. Keep helping within reason, marriage is compromise.

The comment I was looking for. To many people keen to slap OP with the overly simplistic ‘shouldn’t have married a man with child then’ 🙄.

This here is the issue not OPs unwillingness to embrace SC.

Say no to the weekend shifts for sure, it's not your responsibility, and it's a choice.
But I can't really understand how you got to that stage without it being discussed, it's quite unusual. It does feel like your husband relied on his mum to care for his son, and then just transferred that charge on you... It's a massive red flag in your relationship.

I agree this can sometimes be the case. However, my husband met me, fell in love with me, accepted that I came with a child, invested loads of time and energy building a strong and loving relationship with her (despite not having wanted children prior), and is now a million times more her dad than her actual dad ever was. She adores him, they have a strong as a rock relationship, he willingly spends hours/days with her when I can’t, and their relationship has totally transformed her confidence and faith in men. It can work - with the right people and chemistry.

This is really tough on you

I guess the question is how much do you need the money from the extra shifts? I also agree that I would be annoyed if DH unilaterally made this decision without any stepchildren being involved.

However I would frame it as DSS needing to know that he is DH’s priority. Which is true.

The weekend shifts are the problem, why has he started it all of a sudden?. tell him to knock it off!.

He’s taking the piss.