To not “babysit” my stepchild?

[namechangedcusillbeflamed]

I am recently married (since January) after being with my DH for 3 years. He has DSS5.

Custody is set at half with dad, half with mum. Mum is in and out the picture quite a lot, has MH issues, and sometimes says she cannot have DSS on her days (she’s working/needs to clear her head/needs to take her DSD somewhere… etc).

Anyway, me and DH have lived together for around 18 months. Prior to getting married, I was not expected to look after DSS at all really. I would obviously spend time with him and DH together, and would be there if DH nipped the shop etc. DH always works on Monday and Tuesday until 8pm, so he usually left DSS with his mum (DSS grandma) on those nights. Since we moved in together that has slowly stopped, and he is with us now. This means when I get in from work at 6pm, I collect DSS from grandmas, bathe him and put him to bed.

We have DSS Friday until Tuesday every week - 4 nights. At the weekend, DH sometimes picks up extra shifts meaning that I am now de facto baby sitter. I looked after his all day Saturday as DH was working.

I feel awful. I really do love DSS, but it’s such a step up doing all this, and I feel like it is taken for granted. When I said to DH that I was knackered after working 7am-6pm and then doing bed time after not having much of a weekend. He said “welcome to my world, first time you’ve done a full parenting shift”

aibu to that this plan isn’t fair on me?? Or am I being a shit stepmum 😭

He can’t accept shifts unless he is admitting to you he is using you as an unpaid childminder. Say no, don’t be a mug.

OP isn't suggesting that she expects to live her life without any responsibility for DSS. She's been taking on a lot of responsibility already. The point is surely that her husband is fobbing his own and his ex's responsibilities off onto her more and more, without really letting her have any say.

I mean, on a personal level yeah I think YABU because you’re his stepmother, but regardless it’s clear that there needs to be a conversation about what’s going on. It’s not good for the child neither if he picks up that you’re not really wanting to deal with him.

Mental health issues that say she needs Saturdays and Sundays off parenting for her well being Why not Mondays and Tuesdays Or Wednesdays and Thursdays.

First Wives Club privilege innit

This 💯 your suppose to be a team and him and his child come as one … that’s a little boy with a mental ill mum , but your husband does need to look at his working hours

I agree. Poor kid.

you’d help pick up some of the load

she is picking up more load than he is. It’s way more than some.

I’m guessing you’re also one of the posters that would pile on OP if she got involved with the parenting and scream that the child already has two parents?

It’s not a venn diagram because she does most of the childcare on her dh’s contact days. Some times out of 4 all days. If in future she were to discipline the child, she would be told that she is not a parent. I have seen so many times step parents are told this, no one talks of venn diagram then.

Poor kid because father does nothing.

It's bizarre how it's accepted that it's fine for the father to take a giant step back from parenting his own child and that the OP should expect and accept it. Actually it's insane.

You are not a shit mum but your dss has shit parents.

sometimes says she cannot have DSS on her days (she’s working/needs to clear her head/needs to take her DSD somewhere… etc).

Why is she taking her DSD somewhere if it means not having her son in her days?

The situation is a mess. You shouldn't be expected to look after him but also married his dad, his dad is treating you like an unpaid nanny and what mother would want another woman looking after her child? Bathing them etc. I couldn't think of anything worse. If hes not with his dad or dad and you. He should be with her. Wtaf

What mental illness does she have? It does not stop her from taking her DSD somewhere but become a hindrance seeing own son.

Can you also tell you dh you need break on Sunday for your mental well being?

She is being gaslighted that she is not acting like a family, what about father or mother?

Yanbu what a CF. He's the kids parent not you so he's the one who needs to take responsibility in that time. If he wanted to pick up extra shifts when he had his son, he should have asked you prior if you would be alright with it not just pick up the shifts and expect you to do it. Tell him no you aren't doing it for him all the time, you need a break so he can ask grandma or childs mother to have him.

This is what being a step parent/family is about. I know people have various opinions on step family dynamics but if you aren't prepared to be an additional parent figure in the child's life, then you shouldn't have married. If there are 2 equally capable parents and the children are older I can see why some people have more of a stepped back approach but that's very different.

He’s a cheeky sod. Married you and now has a nanny

why is the child staying every weekend if dad isn’t there

needs to go back to eow

i feel for the boy. It’s not his fault he has crap parents tho equally it’s not your job to have to care for him /putting him to bed etc and on a Saturday after working all week having to look after him

why did dad take on extra work when has his son on those days ?

Life has a way of throwing curve balls, though. If you marry a man with a child he is co-parenting, you need to at least entertain the possibility that, whatever the situation when you marry, circumstances can change, and the child may well end up living with you full-time at some point, or being around more than you originally bargained for, anyway.

I think your best option is to leave now, your husband has moved the goalposts, if you get pregnant it’s gets more complicated. If you leave now it’s a short marriage and everyone can move on.

Too many hypothetical scenarios. What if op develops a mental illness? What if op leaves her dh after a few years if doing sole childcare of DSS? What would parents do then?

Op marrying a man with child does not mean op has become the main childcarer while father is able to absolve himself of any responsibilities and mother is busy in self care on the weekends.

why can’t father has child on one weekend and mother has another. What kind of mental illness is this which goes away on weekdays and come back in weekends?

What circumstances have changed that father can not do any childcare? Op said she loves her DSS but she needs break too like both parents are taking.

Why say it then? As it obviously doesn't apply here.

She hasn't once alluded to not wanting to care for the child. She just doesn't want the child's parents to take her for a fool

Yes absolutely; if DH’s half of the 50/50 means every weekend as it seems to, presumably this was to give the lad extra time with his dad. If your husband would rather work, then he must rearrange his 50/50 with his ex, so none of this falls on you or comes out of your household budget paying for childcare (which I think you’d be right to refuse to provide as things stand.)
At the very least, it must be DH’s extra earnings which pay for any outside childminder. Outside your home, that is! If the poor lad is supposed to be at his dad’s, and dad’s made a point of not being there, you don’t have to hand over your home for the day. You are not the black hat here at all.
He’s horrribly exploiting you, when the kid already has a mum with whom DH ought to be rearranging the shared time with their probably bewildered child.