To not “babysit” my stepchild?

[namechangedcusillbeflamed]

I am recently married (since January) after being with my DH for 3 years. He has DSS5.

Custody is set at half with dad, half with mum. Mum is in and out the picture quite a lot, has MH issues, and sometimes says she cannot have DSS on her days (she’s working/needs to clear her head/needs to take her DSD somewhere… etc).

Anyway, me and DH have lived together for around 18 months. Prior to getting married, I was not expected to look after DSS at all really. I would obviously spend time with him and DH together, and would be there if DH nipped the shop etc. DH always works on Monday and Tuesday until 8pm, so he usually left DSS with his mum (DSS grandma) on those nights. Since we moved in together that has slowly stopped, and he is with us now. This means when I get in from work at 6pm, I collect DSS from grandmas, bathe him and put him to bed.

We have DSS Friday until Tuesday every week - 4 nights. At the weekend, DH sometimes picks up extra shifts meaning that I am now de facto baby sitter. I looked after his all day Saturday as DH was working.

I feel awful. I really do love DSS, but it’s such a step up doing all this, and I feel like it is taken for granted. When I said to DH that I was knackered after working 7am-6pm and then doing bed time after not having much of a weekend. He said “welcome to my world, first time you’ve done a full parenting shift”

aibu to that this plan isn’t fair on me?? Or am I being a shit stepmum 😭

Whose idea was it to get married and move in together OP?

That’s not how that works. His son wasn’t and isn’t her son.

He should have been clear he expected her to assume responsibilities for his son, but instead he led her to believe her didn’t, and is now trying to unilaterally dump his responsibility onto her. I’d be telling him to go fuck himself.

But why is it down to OP to give up every weekends to care for the kid whilst his Mum apparently can't cope and Dad has suddenly taken on extra shifts? Surely his parents are the ones who need to step up and not make him feel like a burden.

I agree with those who feel you should be “a family” now and share care / make the child feel “at home” with you both. He’s had a pretty awful family life so far!!

BUT that still shouldn’t mean doing more than half the childcare when dss is with you and dh without explicit discussion and agreement. Your possession of a uterus does not make you responsible for more than your dh is responsible for - and wouldn’t even if you had birthed the child.

God the comments! How on earth was it deduced that the DH is a “shit dad”?

But I do agree with those who asked why on earth you married someone with 50% custody of a young child when you don’t really want much to do with the DC and consider him a nuisance. I honestly don’t understand the animosity some women feel to their own DH’s children and it doesn’t say much about your compassion and kindness that you don’t feel able to take on a pseudo parental role to a little boy who’s clearly had a shaky start to his family life.

Do the kid and yourself a favour and leave and find someone without DCs.

Exactly. He just wanted a "nanny with a fanny", not a wife

Uggg - I feel for you.

I'll be blunt: there is little sympathy around for stepmothers. Because, I don't know, maybe there's an assumption that you knew what you were letting yourself in for/should count yourself lucky not to be single/all women love all babies/it's too hard for the poor mens on their own when it's not in their nature to wipe noses/what else would you be doing with your little free time. Or people think of their own relationships with step-parents. Whatever it is, it's not supportive, and that goes for the male partners too.

Be clear to your current husband about what you need and want. If he continues to exploit your good nature, you have choices.

I say this on every thread like this, and often get cried down, but what is the point if being with a partner with small children if you aren’t willing to be a parent? Especially when their other parent is unreliable in some way.

Yes, he’s the dad, yes you aren’t the mum, but the reality is you’re a family.

If you aren’t interested in parenting a step child don’t marry someone with kids.

I was a step child. It’s shit most of the time.

I would never be a step parent.

You’ve chosen it so get with the reality.

I never know what the right answer is when I read such posts. And I think about the kid too. OP I think you're stuck in a world where both actual parents are proceeding on the assumption that you'll make it all work (for them) by stepping in. Your DH assumed you would parent his child and his ex sounds a teeny bit flaky. You need to have a proper convo with your DH and come out somewhere you don't get put upon but also where small DSS is looked after well.

I don’t read the OP’s posts this way at all. She’s just complaining that her DH - DSS’s actual father - feels free to work late and take on extra shifts where he wants to, and expect that OP will look after his DS.

She shouldn’t be looking after him more than his Dad does - or more than either parent - his Dad should be looking after him for the vast majority of his agreed time, unless explicitly agreed with the OP than he will work more for the benefit of everyone.

This. The SDC is the husband’s child. It was up to him to inform OP before they got married that he would expecting OP to give up her weekends to look after his child. And for her to decide if this was something she wanted to help with. It was not for OP to ask. The responsibility sits with the child’s parent.

No extra responsibility or change happens after a girlfriend gets married to someone with a child. The DGM isn’t expected to automatically stop caring for her DGC as her son has got married; the new wife isn’t automatically expected to step in.

OP doesn’t have to step up because her DH’s feels she needs weekends to herself. You don’t get this luxury as a parent. The ex and DH need to work out a plan which doesn’t involve OP.

It is a package deal but that said, I couldn't imagine many guys who married a single mom
doing most of the childrearing of her kid. It is OTT. Your husband should be doing 60% of it minimum

DH needs to stop picking up weekend shifts. It’s his time with his son.

He is a shit dad BECAUSE HE ISN'T THERE!!

How is that hard to understand?

He has decided to take on extra shifts with no discussion with his wife to see if she is ok to care for his son!

OP seems to be the only adult who cares for the boy, and yet is getting pilloried on here for not being ecstatically thrilled about it and being told "why marry him"? Because that wasnt the arrangement until the ring was on her finger.

Sorry to be blunt, op, but you really should have factored this possibility in before you married a man who has 50/50 custody of his 5 yr old son. You couldn’t seriously have expected not to play a major part in caring for him, could you? Surely when you marry someone with young children, you accept that they’re going to be part of your life together, don’t you? I think anyone in your situation needs to be prepared to take on parental responsibilities if circumstances dictate. What would you do if, for some reason, the child had to come and live with you full-time for a while?

This is a bit mean. The OP is making a perfectly reasonable point about how much the actual parents are dumping on her. Without discussion or agreement. That's not fair or reasonable for her or DSS

In the world where she wasn’t asked to do it when they lived together for 18 months before they were married.

He’s pulled a bait and switch on her and you are blaming her for that?

Why do the child's actual parents get to opt out, but the stepmother doesn't? 🤔

This is it in a nutshell, basically.

No, she’s not the child’s mother or responsible for the child in any way.

OP can do anything she wants on her weekends.

She is free to leave and have nothing to do with this child.

The child’s 2 parents are responsible for him.

I dont know that you are entirely unreasonable, but think you have been naive not to realise that his sons primary home is with his Dad, and he stays at mums a few nights a week most weeks.

I do think DH should discuss with you re picking up extra shifts, but if he is doing this to financially support you as well as his children, I'm not sure what else he can do to bring more money in.

I think you need a proper sit down chat/family meeting on a night when dss isn't there.

I think it was naive of you to not consider yourself as part of dss family with some parental responsibility given he lives there most of the time.

DH also didn’t do extra weekend shifts until recently.

I wonder why that is?

Let me think...

Got it!

OP you need to be very busy at weekends. Whilst you knew he had a child this is NOT what you signed up for. Being part of the boy's family, yes. Being default parent while the actual parents swan off, no.

YABU.

Don't marry someone with kids if you have no interest in bearing childcare responsibilities tbh.

Because us parents are allowed the choice and can abdicate our responsibilities to the other parent, step-mothers apparently have to accept the rubbish thrown at them.