To not “babysit” my stepchild?

[namechangedcusillbeflamed]

I am recently married (since January) after being with my DH for 3 years. He has DSS5.

Custody is set at half with dad, half with mum. Mum is in and out the picture quite a lot, has MH issues, and sometimes says she cannot have DSS on her days (she’s working/needs to clear her head/needs to take her DSD somewhere… etc).

Anyway, me and DH have lived together for around 18 months. Prior to getting married, I was not expected to look after DSS at all really. I would obviously spend time with him and DH together, and would be there if DH nipped the shop etc. DH always works on Monday and Tuesday until 8pm, so he usually left DSS with his mum (DSS grandma) on those nights. Since we moved in together that has slowly stopped, and he is with us now. This means when I get in from work at 6pm, I collect DSS from grandmas, bathe him and put him to bed.

We have DSS Friday until Tuesday every week - 4 nights. At the weekend, DH sometimes picks up extra shifts meaning that I am now de facto baby sitter. I looked after his all day Saturday as DH was working.

I feel awful. I really do love DSS, but it’s such a step up doing all this, and I feel like it is taken for granted. When I said to DH that I was knackered after working 7am-6pm and then doing bed time after not having much of a weekend. He said “welcome to my world, first time you’ve done a full parenting shift”

aibu to that this plan isn’t fair on me?? Or am I being a shit stepmum 😭

Everyone here is accountable for their choices and reactions. OP didn’t think this through. Change is inevitable—life doesn’t stay the same, and OP should have expected that. They knew about the co-parenting arrangement, but didn’t consider that it wouldn’t last forever or that the child might one day live there full-time, making OP more of a caregiver.

OP shouldn’t have gotten involved with someone who still had unresolved issues and “baggage.” There were red flags from the start: he was a new parent, juggling co-parenting, a recent separation, a partner with health and mental struggles, plus work and other responsibilities. He should have focused on building stability and bonding with his young son before rushing into a relationship.

Instead, OP ignored these signs and married him. They seemed to like that he wasn’t a fully present parent, assuming they wouldn’t have to contribute much and would be prioritized over the child. But the relationship was likely rocky from the beginning, lacking healthy communication and consideration.

Instead, OP ignored these signs and married him. They seemed to like that he wasn’t a fully present parent, assuming they wouldn’t have to contribute much and would be prioritized over the child. But the relationship was likely rocky from the beginning, lacking healthy communication and consideration.

His long work hours might be for financial necessity, avoidance of parenting, or both. If he didn’t tell OP upfront, he should have. Still, providing for his child will always mean work comes first sometimes. That’s part of being a parent.

Realistically, he should divorce OP, focus on his son, and eventually find a partner who’s willing to embrace the family dynamic. If he needs support, he could occasionally use childcare—though if he does it now, OP would likely expect it to become the norm and avoid the child entirely.

OP needs to face reality: they’re a stepparent now, and sometimes that means stepping up. Responsibilities may shift as the child grows, but they won’t disappear. OP isn’t trapped—they’ve chosen to stay in an unhealthy situation. If they continue, it’s on them. They can walk away at any time, and frankly, they should.

All the adults in this situation need to do better.

Do not have a child with this man. I'd honestly get out. He waited til you were married to dump all the childcare on you.

Just be more unavailable until he gets the message. Say no.

One day OP will be wondering why her stepson is such a little shit.

Ah I can answer that now - because he is the product of his parents.

You really haven't read the OP have you.

The child has two capable parents. The child has a step mother who cares for him but is now expected to be the default parent. He is not her child.
The parents are lazy and using the OP and a child minder, which is unfair and not what she signed up for.
OP you need to tell your DH that you will not be filling in while he takes up a new hobby on a Saturday, you have other plans.
This is the thin edge of the wedge.
I say this as a person who grew up with a step mother and two step siblings.

Hi OP I don’t think you are unreasonable especially from your updates.

People saying she should have discussed it okay but where is the communication now they are married. Why is her dh not discussing shift changes and child care and how they will organise it? And telling OP he will be starting a new hobby when his son is there wow just wow.

OP seriously dh is showing who he is. I would try to have a sensible conversation with him when you are both calm and not so tired. Decide on your boundaries and what is acceptable to you. If he won’t respect those or starts to over step them then seriously start to consider your future together.

He had his dm doing it now you. So women are for child care. Is this the future you want?

This!

You need to sort this before he hits his teens, as you’ll be taking the brunt of his anger.

Perhaps, but: ‘just checking you’re not going to reel me in and then take up a new weekend hobby and job once we’re married?’ would only be necessary if it’s the type of substandard parenting we might expect from men? Actually, putting it like that you might have a point. So why are we blaming the woman again, then?

Based on the ad I’m seeing on this thread, the algorithm knows what’s up! Hi there, Disney Dads.

There’s so many doormats on this thread. OP is step mum, not mum (or dad). Of course she should help out, which she is willing to do, but that doesn’t mean being the default parent while the child’s parents can’t be bothered. Why should she give up every weekend so the child’s parent’s do whatever they want? There’s a huge difference between co parenting with someone and having to do it all yourself on your few days off. Op should start finding something to do on weekends so it stops all falling to her.

The writing is on the wall OP. If you have a child with this man he’ll shirk responsibility and you’ll be expected to deal with your own child and DSS.

FWIW, I think if you marry someone with a child you are willingly going into the world of supporting them and their child. Otherwise don’t get married and keep separate households. It’s so unfair on the children to marry their parent and want nothing to do with them. They will pick up on it (not saying that’s you given the late shifts and bath and bed, but it does seem to be a MN thing, people angry about being responsible for their step children and having very different lines for their own. No step children and biological aren’t the same, but SC have often had a rough time and such clear and obvious divisions like we see on here can be harmful).

Surely you're referring here to DH who is deciding to work late and pick up hobbies instead of parenting HIS OWN child?

'Adulthood' does not mean passively accepting whatever is thrown at you and being an unpaid carer for men who don't want to accept their responsibilities.

I don’t think you are unreasonable and you need a firm chat with your DH.

But I can’t help think there is a five year old boy at the centre of this who has two parents who aren’t interested in spending time with him. That would override everything else for me.

The boy should be being parented by his parents before anything.

OP, tell your husband that you won’t be doing pick ups and babysitting him any longer. Your husband has to either convince his parents to do more or, actually do some parenting himself.

It’s down to him, not you.

I’d make myself totally unavailable to have the child for a couple of weeks. If that means you live in coffee shops/at friends, then so be it.

The boy is your family now OP, but he isn’t only yours. He has 2 parents who need to parent.

He needs to divorce this selfish person immediately. He'll be much better off.

How will he?

Op certainly would be though.

YANBU! You were already doing a lot, and now he has shifted the goalposts without asking you. The new hobby is a complete pisstake.

If I were you, after raising concerns again, if he is not forthcoming, I would let him know that from X date, you will not be available on Saturdays (or weekends). And make sure you leave the house before he does, so he can't escape to work and leave you in charge first. I'd give him fair warning, but stick to it, even if it feels harsh and is actually a pain for you to make somewhat artifical plans just to hold your boundary until he gets the message.

People keep saying are you a family or not, but within all families there must be communication and respect and the taking of appropriate responsibility. How people can think that your being the main carer for their son without your prior agreement is reasonable is beyond me.

Your DH is being really unfair to his son here. The poor child already is being rejected by his mum most of the time but now his dad is making himself unavailable during pretty much all the time he would have time with his son. This is cruel and unfair. The boy really needs time with his dad. Even IF you were perfectly happy to look after the boy every evening and weekend, he deserves time with his actual parents or he’s going to have some serious abandonment issues.

It is also blatantly unfair and unkind on you. Your DH is treating you badly and taking advantage of you. It would be one thing if he was suddenly taken ill and in hospital but to take on a hobby during the weekend when he, frankly, doesn’t have time to do that is reneging on his responsibilities both as a father to his son and as a husband to you. As you’ve already said, you’re happy to have family time with your step son. But you’re not having family time; you’re solo parenting!

You are absolutely right to raise this as an issue with your DH. He absolutely should not be taking on a hobby and should be doing his utmost to avoid extra shifts during the time he has with his son. If he needs to discuss this with his ex so that she pulls her weight too, then he should do that. Divorced parents have to have these conversations all the time. Perhaps she can have the boy for an extra night during the week (eg Tuesday night) since your DH can’t be there til 8pm anyway. Those conversations are their responsibility, not yours.

Solely for the boy’s sake, however, I’d say that all your arguments/ conversations with his dad should always be done behind closed doors when your step son is NOT in the house. Please also never ever let the step son know of your concerns when he’s actually with you. As far as he is concerned, please make sure he feels loved and wanted by you - you have to set aside any resentment while he’s there. You sound like the most stable element in his short life and far more of a parent to him than either of his actual parents.

OP why are you only focussing on the negative replies? There are lots of supportive ones including my own.

You need to say that you will have weekend plans for the foreseeable future and that the boy’s PARENTS need to sort out childcare. You’re already doing enough!

Your DH is absolutely taking the piss. So is this child’s mother.

Decide you are prepared to do e.g 2 pick ups and bath time per week. Which in my opinion would be very generous of you. Tell him. Stick to it.

him that this is not what you want from your marriage. And make sure your birth control is top notch.

This is from the OP yesterday. Note all she does with the child and the underlined portion where she explicitly says she is happy to parent WITH her husband but not FOR him. IF you have read the OP's posts you will see that she is working long hours 5 days a week and sometimes finishing admin in the evenings. Did you assume that she's reliant on her husband for money so she should just shut up and suck it up?

Her husband and the child's mum are taking the piss and neglecting their child, could we take a moment to acknowledge they are shit parents and recognise that OP seems to be the only one prioritising the child's needs.

I love my DSS, I have always fully embraced him and built a really good relationship with him. I pick him up from school, drop him off, make packed lunches, get him little gifts when he comes over, decorated his room with him in the way he wanted it, bake with him, take him to the park, take him to my family for meals, arrange birthday parties/drop at other parties, facilitate play dates, get up in the night with him when he’s unwell, take him for his haircuts, take him the Gp if he’s not well. Etc.

I have never expressed that I don’t want DSS because it’s not the case at all. DSS is not resented by me.

My issue is that I appear to be doing a huge bulk of parenting, whilst DSS mum has free weekends, and my DH can decide he won’t be here at the weekends either.

I am TIRED. I have a stressful job, working every weekday, usually into the evenings to finish my admin too. I am more than happy to be a stepmum, but not a primary caregiver for a child that isn’t mine. Sorry if that’s harsh.

DH has now appeared home and said that he will be taking up a new hobby next Saturday. He is taking the absolute piss. I am happy to (step)parent with him but not FOR him.

DSS’s mum doesn’t even have him tonight because she said her partner isn’t well and can’t be at home. So that’s us having him Friday - Thursday (if she picks up tomorrow) and then Friday - Tuesday again. How is that fair?

Some of the martyr-like responses on here make me realise why men get away with what they do 🙄 one must look after any child in one’s house like their own if one has a womb. But if you’re a man, just hire a Fanny/new wife and do what you want. Pathetic. OP you are NOT in the wrong but you do need to speak up. His ex just tells him she can’t look after him and he accepts it because you are at home to do it. If you say you will no longer commit to looking after him at all on a weekend then maybe he’ll stop being so generous to his ex with your time! You are currently bottom of his list and a default nanny. He has no respect for your time so it’s time to take away any say on what you do with it. Toughen up to this using nob ❤️

Sound like he wanted a nanny for his child rather than a life partner.

If he was your bio child and you wrote this post you would be having a husband problem. Somehow a lot of the posts make it a you problem. Your husband and his ex partner need to re discuss custody arrangements, if he wants to take on extra shifts and a Saturday hobby. I feel sorry for the child as neither of his parents seem to be giving a crap about him and you are stepping in to fill that void and then receiving shit on here about not doing enough 🤷‍♀️

What have I just read!? And the wild responses you’re getting calling you selfish!? It’s not a coincidence he’s now suggested a Saturday hobby - it’s a natural progression after he tested the waters and found you would do the four-day weekend shift even if you weren’t happy about it. This is line in the sand time - lay out very clearly (and put in an email so it’s black and white how much you’re already doing) what you will do, so the stuff you were happy to do before, and what you won’t,ie solo parenting all weekend. Ppl treat us how we let them - and he’s trying to treat you like a mug. You are a good stepmum, but not an unpaid nanny!! Good luck OP