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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not “babysit” my stepchild?

669 replies

namechangedcusillbeflamed · 16/09/2025 17:54

I am recently married (since January) after being with my DH for 3 years. He has DSS5.

Custody is set at half with dad, half with mum. Mum is in and out the picture quite a lot, has MH issues, and sometimes says she cannot have DSS on her days (she’s working/needs to clear her head/needs to take her DSD somewhere… etc).

Anyway, me and DH have lived together for around 18 months. Prior to getting married, I was not expected to look after DSS at all really. I would obviously spend time with him and DH together, and would be there if DH nipped the shop etc. DH always works on Monday and Tuesday until 8pm, so he usually left DSS with his mum (DSS grandma) on those nights. Since we moved in together that has slowly stopped, and he is with us now. This means when I get in from work at 6pm, I collect DSS from grandmas, bathe him and put him to bed.

We have DSS Friday until Tuesday every week - 4 nights. At the weekend, DH sometimes picks up extra shifts meaning that I am now de facto baby sitter. I looked after his all day Saturday as DH was working.

I feel awful. I really do love DSS, but it’s such a step up doing all this, and I feel like it is taken for granted. When I said to DH that I was knackered after working 7am-6pm and then doing bed time after not having much of a weekend. He said “welcome to my world, first time you’ve done a full parenting shift”

aibu to that this plan isn’t fair on me?? Or am I being a shit stepmum 😭

OP posts:
SleeplessInWherever · 17/09/2025 18:28

I don’t consider looking after my stepson as babysitting. We’re a family. A blended family, but a family.

I accepted responsibility for him when I became involved in his life, when I moved into his home, when I committed to his father.

Looking after him is a responsibility that I have because of that, and I wouldn’t consider myself going my partner a favour by doing it.

InterIgnis · 17/09/2025 18:29

ilovepixie · 17/09/2025 18:23

You married a man with a child who lives with his dad half the week. You are now a family and need to help look after the child. The poor boy is only 5. The mum doesn’t want him much and now his step mum doesn’t either.

She doesn’t ’need’ to provide childcare or take on a parental role at all. That she married his father is irrelevant, marriage did not his son her responsibility.

SleeplessInWherever · 17/09/2025 18:29

InterIgnis · 17/09/2025 18:29

She doesn’t ’need’ to provide childcare or take on a parental role at all. That she married his father is irrelevant, marriage did not his son her responsibility.

Show quote history

Yes, it does.

Moonnstars · 17/09/2025 18:30

Have you spoken to him to say no he can't do his new hobby as he will be looking after his child while you are out? I think you now need to talk about his weekend arrangements as previously I saw things from his perspective but if he is now just going out doing his own thing rather than work then he needs to do that on days he doesn't have his son.

Sennelier1 · 17/09/2025 18:30

I understand how you feel but I think you should've taken this up with your DH befóre moving in together. Not a lot you can do about it now, you can hardly expect DSS's grandmother having him every time your DH works late.

ForgetMeNotRose · 17/09/2025 18:31

Madness! He has two parents, one of them needs to be looking after him or arranging childcare, not just assuming you're the default parent! Crazy his reaction when you questioned him.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 17/09/2025 18:32

Why do so many think that it’s fair for OP to do more of the parenting than the child’s actual parents?

Absolutely fucking bizarre.

ForgetMeNotRose · 17/09/2025 18:32

Sennelier1 · 17/09/2025 18:30

I understand how you feel but I think you should've taken this up with your DH befóre moving in together. Not a lot you can do about it now, you can hardly expect DSS's grandmother having him every time your DH works late.

What about his actual mother

pineapplesundae · 17/09/2025 18:32

#2. He’s a child and part of your life now. If you didn’t want to help care for his child you should not have married him.

JimmyGiraffe · 17/09/2025 18:32

Firefly100 · 17/09/2025 17:53

I wouldn’t tell him to cancel his new hobby, I’d say ‘how lovely dear, who will be babysitting your son?’

Yes, I’d ask him if the child was going to his mothers as you have just signed up for a regular Saturday Pilates class

InterIgnis · 17/09/2025 18:33

SleeplessInWherever · 17/09/2025 18:29

Yes, it does.

Show quote history

No, it really doesn’t. That isn’t even a matter of opinion, but of fact. ‘Stepparent’ is not a legal relationship, and marriage to a parent does not confer parental responsibility to the spouse.

JenniferBooth · 17/09/2025 18:33

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 17/09/2025 18:32

Why do so many think that it’s fair for OP to do more of the parenting than the child’s actual parents?

Absolutely fucking bizarre.

Its clear to see what is REALLY meant by some parents these days when they talk about having a village. These days the village just means free childcare

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 17/09/2025 18:33

SleeplessInWherever · 17/09/2025 18:29

Yes, it does.

Show quote history

No, it doesn’t. ‘Step parent’ means you are married to a parent. There’s no automatic responsibility. He should have made it clear he was looking for OP to act in a parental role. And OP should have full rein over how he’s raised if this is what they both agree to, this includes discipline, house rules etc.

JenniferBooth · 17/09/2025 18:36

pineapplesundae · 17/09/2025 18:32

#2. He’s a child and part of your life now. If you didn’t want to help care for his child you should not have married him.

Question. Would you all be happy for this to be recognised in Family Court and for the step parent to be given the same legal rights as the parent especially as they are doing the same or more care.

SleeplessInWherever · 17/09/2025 18:36

InterIgnis · 17/09/2025 18:33

No, it really doesn’t. That isn’t even a matter of opinion, but of fact. ‘Stepparent’ is not a legal relationship, and marriage to a parent does not confer parental responsibility to the spouse.

Show quote history

It’s a legal fact, but most people don’t marry men with children and then expect to not have them when their husband isn’t around.

InterIgnis · 17/09/2025 18:36

Sennelier1 · 17/09/2025 18:30

I understand how you feel but I think you should've taken this up with your DH befóre moving in together. Not a lot you can do about it now, you can hardly expect DSS's grandmother having him every time your DH works late.

Of course there’s something she can do. She can refuse and say no. She can leave his ass and divorce.

She’s not obliged to suck it up because she’s married. She’s not trapped.

FOJN · 17/09/2025 18:38

ilovepixie · 17/09/2025 18:23

You married a man with a child who lives with his dad half the week. You are now a family and need to help look after the child. The poor boy is only 5. The mum doesn’t want him much and now his step mum doesn’t either.

Neither does the father but let's berate the only one of the three who isn't related and had no say in his planning.

SteakBakesAndHotTakes · 17/09/2025 18:38

The stepparenting situation is sort of a red herring here...it is wrong for DH to unilaterally leave you in sole charge of a child while he makes the decision to work extra shifts.

Then adding in the fact it is HIS child...he sounds like the typical 'leave the kids with mum/gf/insert female caregiver'.

This isn't about bonding with DSS...it's about your DH abdicating responsibility and routinely leaving you with his child without asking if it's ok.

You need to talk to DH. And make plans, be out of the house. He needs to step up.

Marmaladegin · 17/09/2025 18:39

No- your responsibility is to be welcoming and loving to DSS, but you need to say to your DH that if you’d wanted children at this point you would have had them. He needs to care for his child.

SleeplessInWherever · 17/09/2025 18:40

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 17/09/2025 18:33

No, it doesn’t. ‘Step parent’ means you are married to a parent. There’s no automatic responsibility. He should have made it clear he was looking for OP to act in a parental role. And OP should have full rein over how he’s raised if this is what they both agree to, this includes discipline, house rules etc.

Show quote history

It’s an assumed responsibility in most cases. A moral obligation, IMO.

But I do agree on your last point. This is all of our homes, and my partner and I are on the same page on rules and boundaries etc.

PuppyMonkey · 17/09/2025 18:40

“New hobby” bingo. Grin

moresoup · 17/09/2025 18:40

Yanbu. They are both taking advantage of you.
I would set some boundaries now.

Ivelostmyglasses · 17/09/2025 18:42

SweetButScatty · 16/09/2025 18:05

You got together with a man who had a 2 year old child. You can’t reasonably expect not to be a parent to the poor child. If you resent looking after a 5 year old, get his Dad to arrange childcare and leave and get a divorce. Then you can start afresh with someone childless.

She is parenting the child -two week nights (Nan used to) and Saturday, while Dad is at work & then shares parenting on the one remaining day Dad has his child. If she was the birth Mum people'd all be telling her she had a husband problem.

Happyhettie · 17/09/2025 18:42

It is my understanding that contact time is for the child / children to spend time with their parents not be palmed off on to the step parent.
Your poor DSS, as lovely as you are as a step mum, that’s not the point of your DSS’s contact time. Your DH needs to be present and not palm his poor kid off on you.

PeloMom · 17/09/2025 18:42

namechangedcusillbeflamed · 17/09/2025 17:30

Wow. Some of these responses are very harsh.

I love my DSS, I have always fully embraced him and built a really good relationship with him. I pick him up from school, drop him off, make packed lunches, get him little gifts when he comes over, decorated his room with him in the way he wanted it, bake with him, take him to the park, take him to my family for meals, arrange birthday parties/drop at other parties, facilitate play dates, get up in the night with him when he’s unwell, take him for his haircuts, take him the Gp if he’s not well. Etc.

I have never expressed that I don’t want DSS because it’s not the case at all. DSS is not resented by me.

My issue is that I appear to be doing a huge bulk of parenting, whilst DSS mum has free weekends, and my DH can decide he won’t be here at the weekends either.

I am TIRED. I have a stressful job, working every weekday, usually into the evenings to finish my admin too. I am more than happy to be a stepmum, but not a primary caregiver for a child that isn’t mine. Sorry if that’s harsh.

DH has now appeared home and said that he will be taking up a new hobby next Saturday. He is taking the absolute piss. I am happy to (step)parent with him but not FOR him.

DSS’s mum doesn’t even have him tonight because she said her partner isn’t well and can’t be at home. So that’s us having him Friday - Thursday (if she picks up tomorrow) and then Friday - Tuesday again. How is that fair?

Only read OP’s comments. Tell him ‘great! I picked up a hobby too on saturdays and sundays’ and promptly bugger off Saturday morning. He is taking the piss- he found a bang maid and babysitter so that he can live his life and do whatever he wants since the co parent is unreliable and pretty good at taking time for herself.