To not “babysit” my stepchild?

[namechangedcusillbeflamed]

I am recently married (since January) after being with my DH for 3 years. He has DSS5.

Custody is set at half with dad, half with mum. Mum is in and out the picture quite a lot, has MH issues, and sometimes says she cannot have DSS on her days (she’s working/needs to clear her head/needs to take her DSD somewhere… etc).

Anyway, me and DH have lived together for around 18 months. Prior to getting married, I was not expected to look after DSS at all really. I would obviously spend time with him and DH together, and would be there if DH nipped the shop etc. DH always works on Monday and Tuesday until 8pm, so he usually left DSS with his mum (DSS grandma) on those nights. Since we moved in together that has slowly stopped, and he is with us now. This means when I get in from work at 6pm, I collect DSS from grandmas, bathe him and put him to bed.

We have DSS Friday until Tuesday every week - 4 nights. At the weekend, DH sometimes picks up extra shifts meaning that I am now de facto baby sitter. I looked after his all day Saturday as DH was working.

I feel awful. I really do love DSS, but it’s such a step up doing all this, and I feel like it is taken for granted. When I said to DH that I was knackered after working 7am-6pm and then doing bed time after not having much of a weekend. He said “welcome to my world, first time you’ve done a full parenting shift”

aibu to that this plan isn’t fair on me?? Or am I being a shit stepmum 😭

🤣

I repeat Can you tell me what mental illness manifests itself on weekends but not weekdays

@namechangedcusillbeflamed is your DH older than you

No, we’re both 29

Looking at this objectively, DH has a very low cost babysitter. Of course he can’t do a hobby when he should be with his child. That poor little boy needs his dad.

You're not being at all unreasonable OP. I have a five year old of my own and I wouldn't be impressed if DH was leaving me to solo parent two nights a week and at weekends with no prior agreement! That's not cool even if it's your actual child. You need to have a serious talk and make yourself scarce on the weekend if he seriously thinks that he can head off to do a hobby and leave you with his son.

Wow.

I have one of these too 😔

Oh do Fuck off. The selfish one's are the parents. You have kids you parent them. OP is not selfish, she is expected to parent a child that's not hers, while the Father finds ways to get out of it.
The step mother has to stand firm and tell the CF parents to parent. It is not diwn to her at all. I would be very clear I would not parent his kid. OP you are doing more than your share.

Have you thought about getting some reading lessons?

Given that mum is n mentally unwell there is a very good chance dss might live with you full time, I think you need to think about that and what that means for you…sounds like dh wanted a live in nanny

YANBU because your husband has changed the goalposts. If you DSS was biologically yours, and your husband suddenly expected you to take on a lot more domestically, without discussing it with you first, I'm sure you would be similarly aggrieved.

You are the child's step-mother. That is a ready-made child you would now be parenting and responsible for, of course. I think that if both his bio parents died, you are the official parent left. He is your child, albeit by marriage. He is still so young so you will be a factor in his life, a responsible adult that he can trust, rely on and look up to as he might his own mother. Think into the future, you and DH stay together, and in 20-30 years' time, your DSS brings over his kids for granny and grandpa to look after, and you will be the granny. Of course he does cos you are his stepmum, his alternate mum.

I cannot understand anyone who is in a relationship with a parent who just wants the parent and not the child. Jeez. It's not ok. He's a child. Do you think he has any idea wtf is going on with the adults in his life? He needs love and looking after. If you can't do that, then get out of their lives and find someone who isn't already a parent.

That's a good response!!

OP ignore the harsh responses. Step mums are not very popular on MN for reasons I don't quite understand. As a step mum you should uncomplainingly take on all childcare and parental responsibility dumped on you without discussion but don't ever make the mistake of thinking that gives you any parental authority. You are the unpaid nanny and you should stfu and know your place.

Your husband and his ex are cheeky fuckers and he needs to be told asap. Working as a team is one thing but being expected to do everything is another. The amount of time the child is with you and your husband is working has increased significantly since you got married and you were not consulted about how much you were willing to take on. You are being taken for granted. You now know what your husband will be like if you decide to have children together, think carefully about whether that's what you want.

Tell your husband you have plans at the weekend so he will need to make alternative arrangements. Do not get involved in resolving his child care problem. He did not ask you to step in, he simply took it for granted that you had nothing important to do than look after his child. Show him he is wrong and point out that unlike him you have done him the courtesy of communicating your plans rather than leave him in the lurch. Make plans for both days and do go out. Even better if you can arrange a weekend away.

I also feel so sorry for your DSS OP - not because of you, but because it seems neither of his actual parents are bothered about spending any time with him 😭

There’s no mention of it the NHS website?!

to which he would probably answer that his Mum will.

Yeah Funny that

You married a man with a child who lives with his dad half the week. You are now a family and need to help look after the child. The poor boy is only 5. The mum doesn’t want him much and now his step mum doesn’t either.

Sounds like she’s been conned.

I notice you are only criticising the two females the latter of which didnt choose to have him. Your internalised misogyny is showing.

So really none of the adults want to take responsibility for the wee boy !
😞
Poor kid

Isn't the operative word there "help"?

Not do most of it because neither parent cba?

Oh, he is taking the absolute piss. Zero respect for you.

Tell him no. Honestly I would say this is a dealbreaker. You are not his son’s parent and this is not in any way your responsibility. Please make that very clear to him, and don’t be manipulated into giving in.