To not “babysit” my stepchild?

[namechangedcusillbeflamed]

I am recently married (since January) after being with my DH for 3 years. He has DSS5.

Custody is set at half with dad, half with mum. Mum is in and out the picture quite a lot, has MH issues, and sometimes says she cannot have DSS on her days (she’s working/needs to clear her head/needs to take her DSD somewhere… etc).

Anyway, me and DH have lived together for around 18 months. Prior to getting married, I was not expected to look after DSS at all really. I would obviously spend time with him and DH together, and would be there if DH nipped the shop etc. DH always works on Monday and Tuesday until 8pm, so he usually left DSS with his mum (DSS grandma) on those nights. Since we moved in together that has slowly stopped, and he is with us now. This means when I get in from work at 6pm, I collect DSS from grandmas, bathe him and put him to bed.

We have DSS Friday until Tuesday every week - 4 nights. At the weekend, DH sometimes picks up extra shifts meaning that I am now de facto baby sitter. I looked after his all day Saturday as DH was working.

I feel awful. I really do love DSS, but it’s such a step up doing all this, and I feel like it is taken for granted. When I said to DH that I was knackered after working 7am-6pm and then doing bed time after not having much of a weekend. He said “welcome to my world, first time you’ve done a full parenting shift”

aibu to that this plan isn’t fair on me?? Or am I being a shit stepmum 😭

Did you ask him why you should be doing a full parenting shift and about the inference that there would be more occasions it would be expected? Yes, you married a man with a child. However, that child has two parents already and are the responsibility of those people and those people alone. Anyway you help out is a bonus, not an obligation. Both parents need to step up and figure it out between themselves.

As I've said, she needs to talk to her dh about it. It won't just resolve itself. And if finances are an issue, then they both need to come to the conversation with some ideas about how to make it work.

You got involved with someone who already had a child, so it was always going to happen, shocked you are finding it so hard, maybe get some parenting lessons so you are more able to cope with life.

Have you read where OP looks after her step child every weekend because the child’s mum apparently “can’t cope with the weekends” and DH is working. So every single weekend she looks after child whilst the mum is out swanning around and DH is taking on shifts at work?

Are you another parent who needs weekends off for wellbeing

What was "always going to happen"?

The parents abdicating all care for their child to the step mother in the
guise of "mental health issues" and wanting to work more?

It’s not inevitable that it happens at all. Not if the parent respects their partner’s boundaries, and the partner holds firm to their boundaries, anyway.

Despite the popular refrain, this is explicitly not what she signed up for.

Wow. Some of these responses are very harsh.

I love my DSS, I have always fully embraced him and built a really good relationship with him. I pick him up from school, drop him off, make packed lunches, get him little gifts when he comes over, decorated his room with him in the way he wanted it, bake with him, take him to the park, take him to my family for meals, arrange birthday parties/drop at other parties, facilitate play dates, get up in the night with him when he’s unwell, take him for his haircuts, take him the Gp if he’s not well. Etc.

I have never expressed that I don’t want DSS because it’s not the case at all. DSS is not resented by me.

My issue is that I appear to be doing a huge bulk of parenting, whilst DSS mum has free weekends, and my DH can decide he won’t be here at the weekends either.

I am TIRED. I have a stressful job, working every weekday, usually into the evenings to finish my admin too. I am more than happy to be a stepmum, but not a primary caregiver for a child that isn’t mine. Sorry if that’s harsh.

DH has now appeared home and said that he will be taking up a new hobby next Saturday. He is taking the absolute piss. I am happy to (step)parent with him but not FOR him.

DSS’s mum doesn’t even have him tonight because she said her partner isn’t well and can’t be at home. So that’s us having him Friday - Thursday (if she picks up tomorrow) and then Friday - Tuesday again. How is that fair?

DH has now appeared home and said that he will be taking up a new hobby next Saturday. He is taking the absolute piss. I am happy to (step)parent with him but not FOR him.

Absolute fucker. You are being used @namechangedcusillbeflamed Can i ask how old you and your H both are

What have you said to your H about this new hobby lark?

I hope by now you have made it VERY clear to him that you are unavailable to do his parenting for him and his ex

Will she be handing over some of the Child Benefit to reflect that

Hobby on a Saturday? He's a cheeky bastard. Tell him to get to fuck.

You're already doing more than your fair share, please don't let him guilt you into doing even more.

Id be threatning this bone idle pair with Social Services if this were me

Tell him that you have already got plans on Saturday so he will need to cancel his new hobby.

He is a cheeky fucker. How dare he just decide that he has weekends free to either work or do a new hobby because you are now the default child care for his child.

And don't let him guilt trip you by saying that he thought you loved his son so he thought that you would love looking after him. Tell him that you didn't expect to become a single parent to somebody else's child.

Edited to remove duplicate post.

This!

What is your Saturday-hoarding husband like, OP? How does he work out how to balance people's needs?

My partner likes being a 'rescuer' because he takes for granted that I'm very capable. He pegs other people as being vulnerable/in need/tragic victims and rushes to the rescue, leaving me to carry things at home.

I've had to explain repeatedly that I'm very tired and that if he keeps helping only those in a crisis, seeking them out, I will end up having a crisis of my own. Not intentionally, but because up until that point, my needs are just not breaking through.

Or, he may just be a piss-taker.

Why should he get a hobby on a Saturday rather than parenting the child HE CHOSE TO HAVE.

Yet on the thread about the low birthrate childfree by choice women like me are told WE are the selfish ones. Rampant misogyny

I wouldn’t tell him to cancel his new hobby, I’d say ‘how lovely dear, who will be babysitting your son?’

That's absolutely out of order of your partner and his ex, they're both taking the piss OP I'm so sorry this is such a tough position for you to be in. Poor you for being expected to do almost everything for a child that isn't yours with no consideration for your wellbeing at all and your poor DSS for having parents that aren't being parents to him. Thank goodness he has you but you shouldn't have to.

Are you crazy? The OP is doing more than her share - in actual fact if this was her child she’s doing more than 50% of the parenting, let alone what she should contribute as a step-parent.
I think an apology is owed @Holidaytimeyay

OP your partner is taking the piss, poor child both his parents are parming him off.
Please stop looking after your step son, its his Father's responsibility, as for telling you he is taking up a hobby and expecting you to look after him, that is disgusting.
You need to tell him, not discuss,that you expect him to look after his child. You also need the weekend to do what you want. You are not a childminder.
The ex wife, and him, sound well suited, neither want responsibility for this child. This would be a deal breaker for me. I would have made it quite clear I am not his caregiver.

Yes, I agree, Dad should def step up and op needs to tell him to be around more for his son but when you marry someone with a child, they do come as a package. I am sure op can sort it out between her and her DH if they communicate better. I feel sorry for the child seems like dad doesn’t want to parent him.

So you’ve married a man with a child. The child has a mentally unstable mother, and is not capable of / is not reliable in parenting him. What exactly about this situation was unknown before you married him?

He should divorce you on the spot and try and find somebody else who’ll actually be his partner in putting the child’s interest first, rather than their own selfish interests.

You took hubby and his offspring on, its a package, thats whatmyou sogned up for,you just gotta do the right thing otherwise you risk your relationship