To not “babysit” my stepchild?

[namechangedcusillbeflamed]

I am recently married (since January) after being with my DH for 3 years. He has DSS5.

Custody is set at half with dad, half with mum. Mum is in and out the picture quite a lot, has MH issues, and sometimes says she cannot have DSS on her days (she’s working/needs to clear her head/needs to take her DSD somewhere… etc).

Anyway, me and DH have lived together for around 18 months. Prior to getting married, I was not expected to look after DSS at all really. I would obviously spend time with him and DH together, and would be there if DH nipped the shop etc. DH always works on Monday and Tuesday until 8pm, so he usually left DSS with his mum (DSS grandma) on those nights. Since we moved in together that has slowly stopped, and he is with us now. This means when I get in from work at 6pm, I collect DSS from grandmas, bathe him and put him to bed.

We have DSS Friday until Tuesday every week - 4 nights. At the weekend, DH sometimes picks up extra shifts meaning that I am now de facto baby sitter. I looked after his all day Saturday as DH was working.

I feel awful. I really do love DSS, but it’s such a step up doing all this, and I feel like it is taken for granted. When I said to DH that I was knackered after working 7am-6pm and then doing bed time after not having much of a weekend. He said “welcome to my world, first time you’ve done a full parenting shift”

aibu to that this plan isn’t fair on me?? Or am I being a shit stepmum 😭

Where has she asked for him to run into the sunset with her? Because she married him doesn’t mean he gets to put all the burden of looking after the kid on her and same applies to his mother.

DH and the kids mother are still primary carers for him and OP can obviously support but it looks like they have now both stepped back and expect OP to step up.

Did it not occur to you ,DH wanted a mum for DS when he married you
Did you really think you wouldn't be doing the grunt work of having a child .
You married the man ,he obviously thought you would be stepping up to parent .
It won't be long before DH is at home ,and in bed at a weekend and your the one getting up with ss,and entertaining him at weekend,while DH is busy

So your DH only started working weekends once your DSS was permanently there at weekends?

Now both this boy's mum and dad have opted out of having to parent him at weekends, and now you're expected to do it instead (sacrificing your own 'wellbeing time').

Your H is treating you like a mug.

I don’t agree that she shouldn’t have married his dad if she didn’t want this. People step-parent in lots of different ways and have different agreements with their partners about how they will do this. Some are as involved as a parent would be, others have different boundaries, like an agreement that they don’t get involved in discipline, for example.

The problem here is that the expectations have changed without discussion with the OP and there’s been an assumption that she will take on more.

I don't agree. I support my DH to care for his DC when they are with him but they are HIS and his responsibility to provide care for. I have a responsibility to be kind and loving towards them and make them feel welcome in our home but I'm not responsible for them. Nor is he responsible for my DC.

Did you both understand this when you got married though? Same as finances, and everything else when you merge two lives. I assume you were responsible and made sure that expectations were clear. And that’s great, if it works for you both.

For me personally, if I had to work overtime to pay the mortgage and my husband told me to send the kids to my mum… I’d tell him to move out. We’re all different.

I would tell him if you really dont want to do it that your not actually dss parent and he needs to figure out more suitable childcare.
why oh why did you marry a man with a child if you wasnt up to being a step mum though?

Dad needs to step up and be the primary parent given mum has mental health issues.

he needs to arrange childcare if he works extra, and needs to consider a more family friendly job, just like mums have to do all the time.

He isn't there to see his Dad, or see you, he is there because he lives there. It is his home, it might be 50/50 custody.

i just think that the arrangement needs to change and/or DH work schedule so he doesn’t work on his contact days? He’s here to see his dad, not me!

It isn't contact days, 50% custody. How can he work shifts around it.

Tell him to hire a weekend sitter.

This exactly why I wouldn't marry a man with a child. Both parents are unreasonable. I would hate to be a child dumped on a step-parent.

“the arrange was EOW until DSS mum decided this was too difficult for her.”

So why did your DH agree to this? The person I feel sorry for is your DSS - clearly cast aside by his mother; passed off onto you by his father, and resented by you. It’s just not fair. Tell your DH that if he wants to do extra shifts at the weekend, he’ll have to come to some arrangement with his ex - it’s not reasonable for you to be looking after him every weekend, either. Has the little boy said anything about what he wants or prefers? I really feel sorry for him.

She doesn’t want to be a default parent. My kids are all mine and my husbands and I’d be divorced if he treated me like the default parent, I can imagine the op is incandescent with rage since she’s not the mum. She’s not the same as a bio mum, maybe she will be or better in 10 years, but now it’s been a relatively short time, this child has only one active present parent and that parent is a shitty one if he is choosing to work weekends. He’s a shitty dad and a shitty husband at the moment and I hope for the child’s sake he can fix it as the child will be back to a single dad if he can’t. I’m not sure what I hope for the ops sake as the fact he just decided to take extra shifts without considering either of them is a really bad sign, and his snarky welcome to parenting really sounds like he’s immature and resents that he has had to parent his own child times the op hasn’t had to. Maybe he’s not husband material, too self centred and petty.

He can work shifts around it really really easily. Working weekends is extra and according to the op 100% a choice. So my 3yo could work out how to schedule his work so he’s around on the weekend- say no. Or don’t put your hand up, whichever it is.
even if it were critical to his career which the op does not think so, his attitude sucks and if I were the op I’d be away next Friday to Sunday.

Why was it okay for DH to do EOW.
Did OP think it was set in stone for 13 years?
There was always a possibility of custody arrangements changing.
OP you need to get out of this relationship, before you have a DC.
It is toxic. No one has the time or motivation for this child.
Break up now, don’t try fixing the situation. Walk away.

It isn't contact days, 50% custody. How can he work shifts around it.

By not taking on additional shifts.

I really don't understand why some posters think OP should give up her weekends when neither of the parents do. It makes me very glad DH's children are adults!

Fuck me no wonder he’s an ex!

I really don't understand why some posters think OP should give up her weekends when neither of the parents do. It makes me very glad DH's children are adults!

Me neither @PinkSparklyPussyCat If the child's mother needs every weekend free for her 'wellbeing' its not the OP's problem!

Stop babysitting his child. Right now. You're not his mother, you're not a parent and you didn't agree to this.

I wonder how many women would take weekend shifts and expect their husband to look after their young children all day without even discussing it with them
a vanishingly small number I would guess

THIS ^

OP who is not the child’s parent is looking after 5 year old on her weekends whilst the dad is taking on extra shifts and the mum apparently “can’t cope”. Both are unreasonable and taking advantage of OP in my opinion.

I am very much a “you married a dad with a young kid, you’re family now” person but I’m sorry this takes the mick. OP is doing 50-50 with her DH. Taking on the bed time shifts and doing school drop and pick ups.

OP has gone from enjoying her weekends to babysitting someone else’s child whilst the mum is out having fun or having freedom and her husband is taking on shifts that he clearly is unable to do because he should be with his child.

DH should never of agreed to letting his ex off the weekends, he is working and unable to parent.

Both are taking the p out of OP

I think two evenings are more than generous to have dss by yourself.
Dh def should not be picking up overtime with out checking with you that your ok to have dss

No one’s pointed out that DH is also happy for his ex to have her weekends to herself and get out of parenting but apparently would rather upset OP and be nasty if she says she doesn’t want to do it

There are a few dynamics going on here, really, and nobody comes out of it well.

A 50/50 custody arrangement is not just 'seeing his parent' (whichever one). It's essentially creating two homes for that child, in which they feel equally 'at home' and part of the family. Anything else is 'just visiting'.

Op is not babysitting him in the sense I thought it might be (dh going out on the piss with his mates). He's taking on extra work - presumably to contribute enough to pay the bills on the home they share as a married couple/ family. Only op knows whether this extra money is needed, or whether her dh is doing it to dodge his parenting responsibilities.

When you marry someone, you do so knowing that the relationship, and your responsibilities within that relationship, will evolve over time. You accept that your chosen partner comes with a child with whom you will both be spending half of your total time (creating a home for). Inevitably, there will be times when the step parent assumes a parenting role, given the amount of time the child is spending in their second family. This acceptance of evolving responsibilities is generally assumed and doesn’t generally require being spelled out prior to marriage.

In this scenario it seems like op views each person involved as a separate unit (the Venn diagram is a good analogy) which is clearly at odds with her dh's view. Maybe it's because the marriage is still very new, though, and it takes time and effort to compromise and work as a partnership - or family - rather than just separate entities who share a house.

Op's dh is, however, the child's parent. He also has another parent (accepting that there are clearly mental health issues that impact on the mother's ability to parent). In this situation, primary responsibility falls to his father to step up and fill the gaps being left. If op gets no time at all to herself then that needs addressing, because it's not fair. However, if there's a shortage of money, then op may instead need to herself take on more work in order to pay the bills and stop feeling like she's being dumped with all the childcare for a child that isn't hers.

Ultimately though, while all the adults in the boy's life squabble about who is (or isn't) taking care of him, he'll never feel like he has a home, or a family. And it's this conversation that op needs to have with her dh. They're doing irreparable damage.

My 26yo dsd still enters the house without knocking, has a key to let herself in (even though she now has a life - and a home - of her own), and goes shopping/ out for a coffee with me. She also has an amazing relationship with her younger brother and sister. Because our expectations, responsibilities and commitments in life have evolved with 20+ years of marriage.

Look, OP shouldn’t be looking after DSD every weekend whilst her DH works or his ex is out having her freedom. End of

Does anyone know the name of the mental illness that only manifests itself on weekends but not weekdays