To not “babysit” my stepchild?

[namechangedcusillbeflamed]

I am recently married (since January) after being with my DH for 3 years. He has DSS5.

Custody is set at half with dad, half with mum. Mum is in and out the picture quite a lot, has MH issues, and sometimes says she cannot have DSS on her days (she’s working/needs to clear her head/needs to take her DSD somewhere… etc).

Anyway, me and DH have lived together for around 18 months. Prior to getting married, I was not expected to look after DSS at all really. I would obviously spend time with him and DH together, and would be there if DH nipped the shop etc. DH always works on Monday and Tuesday until 8pm, so he usually left DSS with his mum (DSS grandma) on those nights. Since we moved in together that has slowly stopped, and he is with us now. This means when I get in from work at 6pm, I collect DSS from grandmas, bathe him and put him to bed.

We have DSS Friday until Tuesday every week - 4 nights. At the weekend, DH sometimes picks up extra shifts meaning that I am now de facto baby sitter. I looked after his all day Saturday as DH was working.

I feel awful. I really do love DSS, but it’s such a step up doing all this, and I feel like it is taken for granted. When I said to DH that I was knackered after working 7am-6pm and then doing bed time after not having much of a weekend. He said “welcome to my world, first time you’ve done a full parenting shift”

aibu to that this plan isn’t fair on me?? Or am I being a shit stepmum 😭

I just dont know where to start with these ridiculous posts...

So 2 parents can both abdicate their child into the full-time care of the step-mother and she has to suck it up and say nothing as she is "supposed to be a family unit"?

Surely that cant be what you are saying. The people that caused his birth were supposed to be the family unit - and still could be if either one got off their lazy arses and , you know, PARENTED THE CHILD!!

Right. This isn’t father material.

But not with the father being absent!!

Honestly, have you even read her posts? She is annoyed that the father has taken on more work and just upped and offed without any thought to his son's care = she is the only one thinking of the kid!

That’s when you sidestep said curveball, and throw your own back in the form of divorce papers.

Circumstances can indeed change, but no change of circumstances would require OP having to accept the responsibility of providing childcare or assuming a motherly role (and especially not without so much as a conversation!).

This is an issue between you and your DH not the stepson’s mum. I think your annoyance is being misdirected to her. DH is the father and agreements are made between him and the mother, as are any changes to these agreements.

Feckit, your weekends trump the child’s bloody mother’s, and your husband should not give way to her any more than he should treat you with such selfishness.
God, I know in your place I’d be planning my exit. It’s horrible that you had to marry before the bald truth of this setup dawned on you, but this is surely only the tip of the iceberg.

Feckit, your weekends trump the child’s bloody mother’s, and your husband should not give way to her any more than he should treat you with such selfishness.

Yet another case of a man pissing off his new wife, in pursuit of keeping his ex happy

I don’t understand the concept of marrying someone with a young child without wanting to be a “normal” family with them. Personally I think if you’re not willing to do that you shouldn’t be in a relationship involving children (which is also a reasonable choice).

Your DH isn’t off having fun - he’s working which I assume benefits you too. I’d find it very odd if he had to arrange childcare when you’re at home (assuming child’s mother isn’t able to have him).

My DH always realised my DD and I are a package deal and he treats her equally to our child together. We both say it wouldn’t really work any other way. I once asked if he minded all the running around he does for DD (he does prob more than me)as she’s not technically his responsibility and he was quite offended.

You should have discussed all this pre marriage.

OP’s husband has a child, and he had a responsibility to his child to make it clear to any partner what he expected in regards to step-parenting. He didn’t just fail to be honest with OP, he failed in being a responsible parent to his son.

Op hasn’t said anything that suggests she wasn’t clear with him before they married. She isn’t the one here that’s changed the goalposts without even bothering to have a conversation about it, he is.

Your DH isn’t off having fun - he’s working which I assume benefits you too. I’d find it very odd if he had to arrange childcare when you’re at home (assuming child’s mother isn’t able to have him).

So what if he is working - that is not in any way the point of the thread.

You think it is acceptable for a father to take on extra shifts, knowing his ex-wife refuses the care for their child on those days, and just presume his new wife will put up and shut up?? Without even a conversation with her?

Wow, your bar must be on the floor it is so low with what you expect from a man.

Sorry OP, but you are some mug.
You have been successfully lined up as free skivvy aupair for your new husband and his ex.

They must be just thrilled with themselves.
This is your life for as long as you are hapoy to be used as free childcare.

Story as old as time on MN.

These losers always find some mug to do childcare.

Wake up and protect yourself.

Surely this became crystal clear to you when he uses you as childcare when his childs mother wants her weekends off.

Unbelievable.
If you accept being treat like a mug, that is EXACTLY how you will be treated.

Do not compound this mess by getting pregnant with this user loser.

That will really mess you up.

Pack a bag and leave and have a think.
Is this really what you want?
Now you know why he married you.
Free childcare.

You chose to get together with a man with very young dependent children. If he hasn't abandoned them outright, being a parent comes as a package.

Men do tend to see care of their children as something they can palm off on their mothers / girlfriend / new wife.

By the sounds of it, you work long hours yourself, and now suddenly you’re being expected to spend every weekend alone with a child that isn’t yours?

Doesn’t seem fair.

I guess if you wanted you could really lean into it and really embrace the time with DSS… but that’s entirely your choice.

Short answer: I can say what I want.

Who is benefiting financially from your DH working these extra days? Do you share finances?

Well he can’t do weekend shifts now. I’d tell him his weekends are needed to spend time with his child and I’ll be away the next weekend to give him some quality focus.

even if it was your child together, I’d do this to my dh if he decided to take up optional weekend shifts without consulting me. I’m his wife not his service human.

Who would be a stepmum eh?
Must be the hardest job in the world.

I think there is a lot of balancing to be done here. At the heart of it, the welfare of a 5 year old boy is at stake and has to be the focus. And I think marriage does bring with it obligations towards supporting your spouse with the things that matter to them. But that doesn’t mean you can be walked all over. Which is what sounds like is happening. You might want to try the step parenting board, which has a lot of posters who have years of experience making marriages with step children work

Regardless though, it is totally unreasonable for your DH to decide he’s going to take an extra shift and you’re going to look after his DS without getting your agreement first. If he has little choice about taking the shift then you might need more of a discussion about whether he should be finding a job that’s more compatible with his family commitments but if he’s volunteering for them, he’s totally taking you for granted and you need to start putting your foot down.

He is part of your family now and becoming a step parent does mean your somebody in this boys life but that doesn't mean all caring responsibilities are put on to you. Maybe you could speak to partner if he needs to work late its one night with you and one night at grannies and its not expected every week. You could do something "fun" in that time so it feels like a special treat for you and DSS ( pizza/ games night/ movie ect)

DH also should not be picking up extra shifts- his son is there and he should be spending that quality time with son. I know that is sometimes easier said than done but maybe you need to sit down and think about finances and if you need him to work extra or can cut back as a household so its not required and he gets that quality time. He needs to prioritise his kid over work.

YANBU It's like he's a cocklodger that married you so he'd have a permanent babysitter. Sorry but that's what it seems like to me. I'd be talking with him and laying down the law that he is the parent not you and he needs to take 100% responsibility.

He should have spoken to you. You are a family. Yes i do think you should look after your stepson.

Sorry OP I'm slightly confused by your first post.

You married DH who has a 5 year old son.
Your DH's ex has either a child or a step child?

Is the girl your DSS's sister or not?

So can the op just pick up some weekend shifts without consulting? Or is that only ok for the child’s actual parent to book work in for weekends so they can’t parent?

if the op comes and back and says they keep separate finances so she is paying in time to spend her weekends parenting while he makes more money for himself, I think she should immediately file for divorce.

Read my first line. I said he should have discussed with her. As a step parent. You should treat the kids like your own. Otherwise what's the point in getting married. Yes if she's not happy or doesn't want to be a parent she should get a divorce.

Very few step parents are able to treat their step children as their own. Temperament, emotions, history and legality are generally not aligned in a way that makes it possible. A lot of the time children find the idea of a step parent acting as though they were the same as a their actual parents to be fairly outrageous. And the child’s parents frequently do not want another adult to have the same relationship with their child as they have.

To talk about parenting like it’s a slot in role that any adult who marries a parent can slip into if only they try is insulting and really unhelpful.