School refused to release my child until after parents’ meeting – is this allowed?

[Sofia14]

Today, I went to collect my child from his primary school (London), but was told I couldn’t take him until after a parents’ meeting. The children were kept waiting in the hall for about 20 minutes.
The school only emailed about the meeting at 10.30am for 3.15pm. The message didn’t say it was compulsory or that kids wouldn’t be released. Staff were abrupt and didn’t apologise. I was unwell and really needed to get home. In the end, the meeting wasn’t urgent at all; it was about who the teachers are, what uniform to wear, and reminders about being polite/etiquette. All of this could easily have been sent by email.

AIBU to think the school had no right to keep my child like this?

It would piss me off. There’s a small window after school before the first activity. 20 minutes delay means no time for kids to have a snack, get changed, go to the loo. They have no right to keep the kids longer.

There is absolutely no chance you only had notice on the same day. I would imagine they are used to people not reading the information and putting the kids in the hall is one way to make sure people attend and listen to what is probably some quite important information about the requirements of the school day, so they don't get repeated "I wasn't told...".

I'm betting the 10:30 email was a reminder....

As someone who has taught in schools for over 25 years, the school were completely in the wrong here.

We are only allowed to withhold a child from a parent collecting if we have been advised to by police, social services or a court order. Or we withhold if we feel the child is in danger, should the parent turn up under the influence of drink/drugs.

TBH, I'd write a letter of complaint to the headteacher. This is something I'd be willing to become "that parent" over. It is not ok for a school to hold a child against the parents will. Whilst I'm not given to dramatics, this is imprisonment.

I would have insisted and not taken no for an answer. I don’t believe they are allowed to detain your child in that way, contrary to what many others are saying.

I also think you can walk in during the day and take your child - they can put it down as unauthorised but I don’t think they can stop you unless they believe there’s a safety issue.

I spent last year grabbing child a from primary school and then racing over to grab child b from secondary school because there was a years waitlist for the school bus. This would have completely screwed me over particularly if I was meant to be getting them back out for clubs. Not okay without notice.

OP has said that she knew about the meeting. What she and at least one other parent didn't know until 10:30, was that the children would not be released if the person picking them up didn't attend meeting.

All children are special. Didn't your mother ever tell you that?

Damn this is wrong. I feel so sorry for kids putting up with this sort of attitude all day. "You are not special, do as your told, get your mother to do as she is told, then we might deign to acknowledge your presence without a sneer. We might."

I would have been absolutely livid. I don't understand how schools can refuse parents access to their children, much less after school time

Oral is much, much harder than email, for someone who does not speak good English. Email can be translated by google translate without any problem at all as can replies. So if what you say is right, it is a bonkers idea.

Illiterate parents perhaps would be a problem on the other hand - but then that is because they were failed at school when they were at school

I wish I could be appointed Minister (or queen...) of Schools with Full Powers to Effect Changes to Improve. I would sort out the problems in a jiffy.

There's no lawful reason they can keep children past the end of the school day unless for safety reasons.

If they really didn't allow children to be collected, even upon the parents insistence then that's way, way outside of their legal bounds.

There are quite a few parents at our school who use childminders for pickup, they collect children from more than 1 school, can't see them being pleased with this arrangement. Our parent's collect our children 90% of the time, but we do pickup occasionally, we wfh and often have to dash back for a work meeting, it'd be a case of sorry I'm actually at work and have a 3.30 meeting, bye.

At our school meetings we need to attend eg starting reception, transitioning to high school etc are always at 6pm in the school hall, usually with 2+ months notice. Your meeting would 100% be an email at our school.

We had a similar meeting last week at the end of the day. At usual pick up time/place the teacher let us in to the classroom if we were staying, and asked those who weren't to wait as usual. She then dismissed the appropriate children to the adults outside. I've never heard of any group meeting being compulsory!

As far as I understand it, you can take your child out of the school at any time during the day whether that’s during the school day or after school. They’re your child, you can do with them whatever you want.

However, as you didn’t explicitly say that you want to take your child now, I don’t think you have cause to complain as the time to deal with it was then.

I'd definitely be teaching my kids that they don't have to respect this kind of shit. I'd flat out explain to them how wrong this is and they don't have to meekly accept any behaviour just to avoid being seen to 'make a fuss'.

@batt3nb3rg : I have a husband who needs me to return things for him and complain on his behalf due to fear of confrontation, and we both agree that we’re not trying to raise adults who put up and shut up in the face of everything.

Really good point. Thank you. It is important that children learn to stand up for themselves as well as respecting authority, and that is a difficult balance.

I’m still not sure that a 20 minute after school meeting is the right occasion to pick to teach this subtle message. Personally I would have gone with respecting authority in this particular instance but I see why you would have done differently.

I work in a school and I can assure that this is NOT normal and they cannot refuse to release your child to you unless there is a safeguarding concern (and even then certain conditions have to have been met). There is no way we would do this unless there was some sort of emergency info to give out.

You might have had a medical appointment to get to, you might have needed to get your child to your parents before heading to work, there are many, many reasons why you may need to collect ON TIME. The school was out of order.

If this happened to me when I was collecting my children I would make an official complaint and, as I say, I work in a primary school.

Schools are a bit bonkers in the UK.

I needed my son home for lunch years ago because there was no way to feed him at school. It was unbelievable the fuss they made. It was like asking to get him out of jail.

I have given up and started home educating.

I'm also an immigrant. Maybe it is because of all the immigrants that they are like that. I have no idea. I wish they'd stop it though.

How rude! I'm a SAHM and I think the school are bang out of order. SAHM's have commitments too you know! I'd be that parent!

Happened to be at a child's activity. I made it clear to leader than I needed to collect on time specifically on that day. She held my dd hostage while huffing at me.

Well, it would be a big deal if the parent had another child to collect from a different school or a medical appointment or any other number of reasons they couldn't stay an extra 20 minutes.

YANBU OP.

Tbh i dont think legally the school can hold your children without your consent. And again, I dont think its appropriate for the school to decide at 10:15 the children will be held back, most after school detentions come with prior days notice. I certainly would have missed that notification on the day due to work.

I think it was disgraceful that they denied access to the parents, who didnt consent to the kids staying later. Especially if the parents had other commitments and you were ill. That said I dont think a confrontational response will get you what you want long term.

Id probably email the school and set out how unprofessional and inconsiderate you found the schools treatment. That this meeting clearly required planning and there was definitely a communication break down. That you had to wait whilst ill because of a planning failure on the schools part and in future youd appreciate if the school wants to keep your child beyond the last bell its communicated with you at least a day before.

I think it’s more about them being made responsible, by the Government, for results (that are, in any case, significantly in the hands of parents) without the budget to deliver. So they get authoritarian in a desperate attempt to control as much as possible at as low a cost as possible.

It would personally be a big issue for me for my child to witness a teacher challenging my authority as their parent, which, in my opinion, is not open to questioning by teachers. My children need to respect the authority of their teachers because they are children in an educational setting. The teachers need to respect my authority as a parent because that is above everything else. I actually don’t think I would be able to tolerate that kind of behaviour from a teacher (the dictation and the closing of a door in my face), my sense of what is right and wrong would not allow me to let that go unquestioned. I think schools usurping their bounds and invading the domain of parents is a massive issue in our society, as much of an issue as parents invading the domain of schools and making teachers’ jobs impossible by obstructing normal school discipline.

@batt3nb3rg : The teachers need to respect my authority as a parent because that is above everything else.

True, though do you think that this is an argument that should be had with the Headmaster, not with whichever teacher was given instructions and manning the door?

No, a school cannot refuse to hand a child over to parents with PR unless there is a court order or an immediate safeguarding concern. I would say shutting the door in your face was extremely rude and quite unacceptable.

But it's a fairly minor incident and I'd probably just suck it up in your situation.