A second baby shower… WTF

[nursedae]

Been invited to a baby shower for a second baby. We had one for her first 18 months ago, all pitched in for some expensive presents, laid on tea and decor and games etc. Thought it was a bit silly but let it go, first baby, didn’t want to be overly cynical and nice to wish her well into motherhood.

Now I’ve just been added to a group to organise a shower for her 2nd baby. Similar amount of effort involved, suggestion we pitch in around £100 for presents plus the cost we’ll all end up spending for shower itself.

AIBU to gracefully bow out? Is this normal now? I thought the whole point was that a shower is for your first baby?? And more money and presents seems too much - bear in mind we also bought presents when baby was born and will do so again, and probably for the older child too so they’re not left out. It feels like too much now.

I’m sick of hearing how Halloween is supposedly an American import. A brief glimpse over the history books will tell you that it has been celebrated in the British Isles in some form or other for centuries. It was exported over to American by the Irish and Scottish. It is fair to say it has been commercialised or Americanised but it is ridiculous to suggest we shouldn’t continue to celebrate it as we have in many ways throughout our history.

I'm confused why someone would expect something when the baby is born too. Fuck that. Have a baby shower by all means, but understand that is when I will be offering my only gift in relation to your child's birth.

Anyway OP YANBU. Sounds like she's cashing in and a CF. Agree with @Lavenderandbrown that being told what you 'owe' is totally ridiculous. I know they aren't arranged by the parent, but like a hen party, I would expect important parameters like cost to be agreed by the recipient. If that was me, I would want to be as gracious as possible to my attendees and make the event more about treating them than getting loads of stuff for myself. The focus feels all wrong.

Well I always turn them down, I certainly wouldnt go and seethe!

I HATE baby showers. Hideous greedy grabby shite. If people want to buy gifts for your baby they will. Showers are seemingly about cornering people and guilting them into doing so while pretending it’s a celebration which is why I never did it.

Did Baby Showers come from the Us.
Of course you are free to buy gifts for a newly born.

However, is seems to me that this Shower business as been overly monetised and commercialised .just like many other events and celebrations.

Completely out of control

Another chance to grab a shilling.

As for the the £100. Great example of the really poor taste, me me me Entitlement and Expectation Culture we live in.

Just send a modest digital gift card for the child and say you can't make it.

Deleted because I quoted by mistake and am now unable to delete the entire comment.

(points to username)

People talk about “grabby American traditions,” seemingly without realizing that a lot of the specifics they’re describing are considered social faux pas in the US. Not that no one in the US ever breaks the rules I’m about to mention, but breaking them is frowned upon and seen as tacky.

Traditional rules of American baby showers:

1. You do not throw a baby shower for yourself, nor do you suggest, expect, or broadly hint that someone else should host one for you.
2. The person who hosts your baby shower should not be your mother, your MIL, your sister, your SIL, your grandmother, or your GIL. Some people maintain that the host should not be any sort of relative, but most people think an aunt or cousin hosting is okay. Everyone agrees that a friend hosting is okay.
3. While it is acceptable to have a gift registry, it is not acceptable to expect you will receive all the items on it, or that every gift you receive will come from the registry. The registry is to help the guests be aware of what gifts would be useful to you.
4. It is acceptable to put a few “big-ticket items” - stroller, high chair - on the registry, in case a group of people decide to all chip in and buy one of them for you. It is not acceptable to expect one person to spend a lot of money on your gift.
5. Unless there is some kind of unusual circumstance, baby showers are only thrown for the oldest child, the expectation being that the parents will save the gifts for their younger children.

@YankSplaining you can explain until you are blue in the face but it won’t matter. The British (or English rather) need to denigrate all things American is entirely acceptable on MN. I sometimes ignore it, other times fight back. I’ve also lived here long enough to know most of their own cultural foibles, and find their grammar shocking.

Don't stereotype the British or the English.
Isn't that stooping to the ignorant level of those who would stereotype Americans?

I didn't want a baby shower personally but have nothing against those who do have them. My bugbear is that everything becomes so hyped & expensive nowadays! Hen do's, baby showers, engagements etc.

I don't think its unerasonable to decline the invitation but, if she's a good friend, you may still be expected to chip in!

Your circle of friends must be well off.

Am I the only one who is bewildered that life events have been turned into an opportunity for fleecing friends and family. Hen nights costing £100s (in some cases £1000+). Now overdone baby showers which put pressure on people to contribute.What happened to spontaneous get togethers without the pressure of having an instagrammable event? A nice gift once the baby has arrived safe and well.

I have seen first hand the distress caused to friends who feel frozen out of an event because they can’t afford the ’entry fee’.

I think your response was perfect OP. Apologies for sounding like a grumpy old lady but there are enough stresses in life without these ‘organisers’ adding more.

Nothing wrong with a baby shower for each baby because after all each is a miracle and joy. Especially for those who may have unspoken fertility struggles. However everything is wrong with expecting expensive gifts at all at any baby shower, regardless of how many you’ve had. And especially rude just 18 months after you all gave expensive gifts, many of which I assume can be used for subsequent babies. I’d accept the invite and bring a gift I deemed suitable, Either a nice toy (probably around £10) or something practical like disposable nappies (check if they are using those not reusable). If not nappies then nappy cream, that kind of thing. It’s what I would have wanted if I’d had a shower

I am superstitious. When I first started teaching 3 ladies in one department were pregnant at the same time. 1 miscarriage, 1 still birth and one live baby. Similar happened when I was pregnant. Two ladies at DH surgery lost babies. I miscarriage, 1 late abortion due to abnormalities and I gave birth to a very poorly baby. I dont tempt fate.

I give presents at birth and or Baptism or Naming Ceremony.

i’m not superstitious but traditionally in the UK, you didn’t buy anything until the baby was born, just in case. I know healthcare is a lot better now than in the past, but @Teajenny7 example shows that the risks are still there.

My cousin had a third baby shower for her third baby this year ... she didn't organise it in fairness but after the elaborate pregnancy reveal, gender reveal, isn't it just overkill?! But she's in her 20s and this seems to be what they do? I cannot stand gender reveals. Find out if you want to find out but don't invite me to some cake-cutting balloon-popping thing, nobody cares about gender (SEX) apart from the parents surely!

Even I didn’t care when I was pregnant 🤣.

I used to be in a US based parenting group and was amused/exasperated by the number of people having gender reveal parties who also claim to think sex is assigned at birth.

People gave me gifts (entirely unasked for but of course we were very grateful). Mostly babygros or the like costing £20 or so but one very good friend bought a double buggy for us as a gift.

I really don’t like showers or gender reveals but that’s just me. To assume it’s ok to ask for a £100 contribution is obscene though. To me you buy a gift of your choosing once the baby arrives