A second baby shower… WTF

[nursedae]

Been invited to a baby shower for a second baby. We had one for her first 18 months ago, all pitched in for some expensive presents, laid on tea and decor and games etc. Thought it was a bit silly but let it go, first baby, didn’t want to be overly cynical and nice to wish her well into motherhood.

Now I’ve just been added to a group to organise a shower for her 2nd baby. Similar amount of effort involved, suggestion we pitch in around £100 for presents plus the cost we’ll all end up spending for shower itself.

AIBU to gracefully bow out? Is this normal now? I thought the whole point was that a shower is for your first baby?? And more money and presents seems too much - bear in mind we also bought presents when baby was born and will do so again, and probably for the older child too so they’re not left out. It feels like too much now.

I didn’t want a baby shower, so therefore didn’t nominate anyone to organise one. As a result, 3 people from different groups decided to organise me a surprise baby shower. So I ended up having 3.

Netmums is British not from the US.

Been to many baby showers. I quite enjoy them.

I have never spent £100 on a gift for one. I wouldn’t enjoy that.

This is considered tacky in the US. You have one for the first baby - IF someone volunteers to host one for you - and that’s it.

It sounds like a nice time, but it’s not a baby shower if there are no gifts. They’re called baby showers in the first place because the MTB is being “showered” with gifts.

Please direct us to the part of the Mumsnet ToS that specifies no Americans or discussion of American customs.

Baby showers are another grim American import like school proms & Halloween, designed to extract money from the gullible. Resist!

And they’re rare, too. You might have a “sprinkle” if the parents-to-be are having a “surprise” baby and got rid of their baby stuff years ago, or if some other extenuating circumstance means they’re lacking baby supplies, but traditionally baby showers are for the first baby and that’s it.

I wish these American imports would fuck right off. I love a hen do or wedding or christening but I have always successfully batted back baby showers or even worse, gender reveal parties. It’s the grabbiness that gets me! Surely the proper way is visiting with a gift when baby is born and mum is up for visitors. That way people can meet the baby and check how mum is. A party whilst still pregnant is bonkers

My friend had a baby shower for #2 and #3. Literally a low key get together, tea and cakes style. I hosted one at my house. No gifts required but she requested nappies, wipes and formula in anyone did want to gift as she'd kept everything from previous babies. I gave her some hand me downs for her 3rd from my first, as she'd had 2 boys and I'd had a girl.

I really hate these £100s expectations for first or seconds or third babies. It just feels really entitled.

Or maybe people like to celebrate nice life events? Who doesn't like the prospect of a new baby and to celebrate a close friend about to become a mum?

I've enjoyed every baby shower I have been to and was happy to be invited and contribute.

It's like people being angry about weddings. If you don't want to go to one, just don't.

Should be one for each baby - I’ve thrown them for people who have more than 1!

But £100 each is ridiculous.

Arguably it's more fun to have all your friends in one place and celebrate before the baby is here. I certainly did not feel up to any socials beyond a 30 minute "here's the baby, now leave" kind of visit for a very very long time. Couldn't even leave the house without the baby for more than 90 minutes until he was 7 or 8 months and he was reliably on solids.

I see what you mean but one piece of advice I always give pregnant women is to set visitor boundaries:
30 minutes max
Bring snacks
Make me a cuppa when you’re here.

Happy medium!

It’s the money element that is a bit odd. I really didnt want one and so just went for al free (for me) cocktails with friends for a catch up before the birth and a lunch with family. I get why people do it but surely the new mum should fund it and everyone else throw in for a few games and cheap gifts….

I couldn’t imagine asking for presents for baby shower, then when baby arrived and then again for Christening which was at 8 weeks for my first. All a bit much really xx

No, no and thrice no! Another American import along with OTT Halloween, proms and Black Friday. I have nothing against any of these things but they all seem to get bigger and more hyped up with each passing year. I have never been to a baby shower, they were not a thing in my young mum days and none of my younger friends ever had one so I have been spared. Always more than happy to get gifts for a new baby, in fact I really enjoy it but all this extra fuss and expense, definately not

Yes, that's exactly how socials happened for me post partum. Lovely but fun and carefree they were not.

My friends organized a baby shower for me and honestly, it was so much fun.

It was the last time I was able to just.....sit with my friends all in one place, in a nice restaurant and chat without having to go home to breastfeed or do bedtime or being conscious my DH has spent X hours by himself with a very active toddler.

You can't argue that socials pre-baby weren't a lot more fun and casual?

It was just a nice occasion. And also a highlight of what was otherwise an extremely miserable pregnancy where I was hospitalised 3 times.

I'd hate to think someone there didn't want to be there and was seething with resentment at me. Seriously, just don't go if you don't want to!!!

I wasn't fussed on baby showers but my friends insisted. Both were simple affairs at someone's house, a small afternoon tea buffet. Small gifts, deposited quietly on a table, and we laughed a lot.

I hate the expense & time people expect for baby showers, gender reveals weddings, hens, birthdays etc now. It's also not just close family/friends, either, it seems to be anyone they can rope in. When my friend announces a new grand child I'll be expected to attend & contribute (has several GC already). At work there's been an announcement so we'll have a baby shower in our lunch hour & have to contribute a set amount so they can put together a basket. Both DH & work there so it's double cost. I barely know her & don't want to spend my lunch hour at her baby shower in the conference room. It's insane.

Second baby shower is fine but asking for £100 from the guests is not, that’s a ridiculous amount. I paid for both my baby showers, would never expect guests to pay towards it.

£100 each, per guest?? A new level of grabby entitlement, IMO.

Personally I’d conveniently remember a prior engagement.

As a single and childless person, especially as I get.older Im beginning to really resent the pressure to pitch up for the births birthdays and weddings of work colleagues, friends, siblings and their offspring. It is financially crippling as a single person at times but the pressure is on to contribute. I know present giving isnt about the receiving but I don't get anything, ever. Sometimes not even a verbal happy birthday. Im so over it. The one time I did decline a wedding invite I have never been forgiven. I had some very expensive dental work to pay for and simply couldn't afford the destination wedding, outfit and present. I am grateful my siblings and friends children aren't the baby shower types. These things are getting out of hand.

Chip in £100 each?! Plus the cost of the shower?! WTF!

I'm curious of your friendship group's general income bracket. £100 is crazy money to me. I can't imagine many UK households having £100 to chuck in each for a baby shower 18m after the first one. 😱 Unless they're mega rich that is.

This just feels so grabby and tacky. YANBU to decline the invitation.

Spare a thought for everyone who had their first baby in lockdown. But in this case UANBU, if someone told me how much to spend I’d say no thanks, I’ll sort my own gift.

I’ve not had this scenario happen though. It’s been showers at the mum to be’s home or 25 quid cream tea which is plenty imo.

Baby showers are bs.

Ridiculous!
If I've been "invited" to a bridal shower, the food and drinks plus any decor should be covered by whoever the host is. I would go with a SMALL gift (books/soft toy/ photo album or something of the sort).
And I would never expect my friends to do this for me. Ain't no one got time for that s*. I'd much rather have someone just checking in, catch up call, coffee meet up. Gosh no wonder some people are hermits.