A second baby shower… WTF

[nursedae]

Been invited to a baby shower for a second baby. We had one for her first 18 months ago, all pitched in for some expensive presents, laid on tea and decor and games etc. Thought it was a bit silly but let it go, first baby, didn’t want to be overly cynical and nice to wish her well into motherhood.

Now I’ve just been added to a group to organise a shower for her 2nd baby. Similar amount of effort involved, suggestion we pitch in around £100 for presents plus the cost we’ll all end up spending for shower itself.

AIBU to gracefully bow out? Is this normal now? I thought the whole point was that a shower is for your first baby?? And more money and presents seems too much - bear in mind we also bought presents when baby was born and will do so again, and probably for the older child too so they’re not left out. It feels like too much now.

I feel sure the total baby shower present is £100 shared between whoever is invited to the shower not £100 each!!

Not unreasonable - I agree that the baby shower should be for your first born only. I'm in a same sex relationship, and we had a baby shower for our first born (my wife carried). We plan for another bubba but slightly different as I'll be carrying but I don't plan to have a baby shower because we already had one and if I do, it will be a celebration and I'll request no presents!

I wouldn’t have spent all that on the first baby, let alone the second. This is one of the reasons I didn’t have baby showers for any of my three children. It feels like a party and the sole purpose is to bring a present. Feels so grabby in my opinion. I also don’t go to baby showers either. Just say your unable to participate this year as have a lot going on financially.

£100 for presents? Nope. She can re-use the stuff from her firstborn.

I didn't have one for my DD, but I have been to a couple and I think they can be good fun and a lovely opportunity to wish a friend and her child/children well, but £100 each feels very high really.
Especially for a second baby, I'd think a get together with tea and cake and a little token gift would be appreciated and appropriate.

In the US a shower for a 2nd or 3rd, etc baby is called a "sprinkle" instead of a shower. Insert eyeroll here. Just bow out immediately.

I think a second or third baby shower is only appropriate in a very few situations:
(a) if the mum is having twins or other multiple,
(b) if mum is having another baby after her older kids have passed the baby & toddler stage (as she may already have got rid of all her baby and toddler stuff), or
(c) if the mum has been through a particularly difficult time (e.g. multiple miscarriages, failed ivf, serious illness, bereavement, divorce/separation) and needs a pick me up/to celebrate life.

A baby shower for second or third baby in any other circumstances seems a bit gratuitous. I think it’s ok if you make your excuses so long as you let the group know early enough that you won’t be attending.

I attended my first baby shower this summer. My sister organised it for my niece (her DD) as she was so excited about her first grandchild. DSis paid for it all, a lovely tea party in DN garden, a few decorations & a couple of games. It was a nice afternoon, DN had a lovely time & was very grateful for all the gifts etc! DSis had made it clear no gifts were expected & when baby arrives no further gifts needed! Also no baby shower for subsequent pregnancies!
Baby showers are becoming the norm these days but definitely should be for the first pregnancy !

So, you had a second baby, but looked to other people to provide for it? Were you struggling to buy a cot or even clothes?.

I don’t think this poster is saying she expects other people to pay for the stuff. She’s just making the point that a second baby still needs new things.

I dont think theres anything wrong in a baby shower for each baby, generally. But £100 seems nuts. Would except say £20-25 afternoon tea per person, (simliar to if i met friends for lunch) gift c.£20.

Certainty not £100+. If this is too extra to be the voice of reason, just say no thanks

£100 each!!??! WTF

But surely no one buys cots or buggies for a baby shower?

I don’t agree with them at all. Very grabby and me me me

I had showers for all 5 of my babies (the youngest is in her 20's). But they were very different from the showers people tend to have these days. They were all a surprise to me. Some were coffee and cake and some were bring and share buffets. The suggested gifts were things like baby lotion, cotton wool, wipes - nothing more than £ 1.00. The idea was to make the end of pregnancy, early weeks easier without having to think about buying those sort of things. My DD and DDiL had showers recently and they were similar - food, games and small gifts.

I would have no problem going to a party like that for someone having their 10th baby. But to be expected to chip in so much, first baby or not, is ridiculous.

I think it’s the cost that makes it inappropriate. Friends hosted baby showers for me twice but it was a few crisps, some silly games and cups of tea. It was absolutely lovely but probably cost £30 altogether. Surrounding a pregnant lady with fun and love is beautiful but that doesn’t have to come with a price tag. We had probably 15 baby showers in our friendship group and we always did the same thing. They were all about women supporting women, not gift buying and catering.

That's what I always think. I had my babies in the 90s, so I'd never heard of a Baby Shower (or a gender reveal!).
People were kind enough to give gifts when the baby was born, if they wanted to.
If a Mum is struggling, it's fine to give essentials, but not in a party situation. I gave some clothes and toiletries to a woman I knew didn't have much.

Oh thanks, I did misunderstand. It's true, but I am surprised you'd get another cot or a buggy from a baby shower?
Maybe people do give £100!

Cross post, I agree.

It’s such a shame that the British have taken a sweet American tradition and turned it into something grabby and mean-spirited.

Wouldn’t go for a first shower so it would be a cold day in hell that I would attend a second one, Unnecessary, a bit like a gender reveal.
You handled it very diplomatically.

I agree. It's so different in the USA, genuinely a nice, supportive event.
It's like everything, Hen dos, weddings etc. lost in over consumption and social media. Plus people have a lot more disposable income than they used to.

My niece had her first baby in August and didn’t have a baby shower. Last Saturday she held a sip and see and invited people for an afternoon tea and a chance to meet her baby. I thought it was a lovely idea

No your not, sounds over the top. For my first my two oldest friends made some cupcakes and we had some drinks in my friends summer house and had a big gossip. For my second pregnancy they’ve organised similar.
Basically just an excuse for catch ups with our children. No presents or games or anything. I am not adverse to attending baby showers either, just not for me but your friends over the top.

Don't attend. That's a ridiculous amount of money.

I had a 'baby shower' which was really just a gathering of about 10 people in my parent's garden. I bought some balloons and we made some sandwiches/had a cake. I was clear gifts weren't expected, but if people asked what we wanted I either said clothes or something practical like nappies/wipes. I just wanted to share the excitement of my baby. I'd maybe do a very casual BBQ (with me buying the stuff, or just bring your own meat and we all chuck everything on and share) if I had a second baby 🤷

It's the expectation of expensive gifts and etc that make it cheeky.

I think baby showers are a lovely idea and especially for first time mums who just want to share the excitement, but I find the amount spent on them and booking out halls, having tons of people etc, silly

Entitled much .......
Tell them you can't make it to expect people to fork out for a second baby 18 months later.
No chance there boring anyway .