A second baby shower… WTF

[nursedae]

Been invited to a baby shower for a second baby. We had one for her first 18 months ago, all pitched in for some expensive presents, laid on tea and decor and games etc. Thought it was a bit silly but let it go, first baby, didn’t want to be overly cynical and nice to wish her well into motherhood.

Now I’ve just been added to a group to organise a shower for her 2nd baby. Similar amount of effort involved, suggestion we pitch in around £100 for presents plus the cost we’ll all end up spending for shower itself.

AIBU to gracefully bow out? Is this normal now? I thought the whole point was that a shower is for your first baby?? And more money and presents seems too much - bear in mind we also bought presents when baby was born and will do so again, and probably for the older child too so they’re not left out. It feels like too much now.

A baby shower for each baby is fine. Expecting people to pay 100s of pounds to have one is not.
Say you’re busy.

I thinks that’s just present grabbing.

We did do a baby shower for one of my friends a couple of years ago even thought her previous child was 3ish. It was a girl this time around and she hadn’t had one for her son as it had been in lockdown. It was called a sprinkle. She had a wish list but it was mainly really basic stuff.

I could understand if it had been a good few years but not just over a year later.

It’s all tacky, grabby, American nonsense anyway.

I thought a baby shower was someone’s mum just made a tea party at her house, and everyone bought some sort of small gift and wore a nice dress and gave the mum to be a lot of fuss. Perhaps played a few stupid games with toilet roll and nappies. I hate that everything is about loads o’ money these days.

I don’t think the issue is the second baby shower, it’s more the £100 gift. I mean if it was afternoon tea round somebody’s house, I assume you wouldn’t object.

F#ck off with this imported American shite.

You are not being unreasonable. It’s ridiculous. My pet hate is baby showers, I always tried not to go & didn’t want one for myself. Then the fact you still have to get a present when the baby is born too, it’s so excessive. I’m so glad the days are over for me as in my 40s now so everyone’s done with kids. It’s tricky for you though but I would have to stand my ground on this, you are prob not the only one thinking it. You could say, ‘I’m not going to be able to contribute this time but will get a little something when she has the baby’ if anyone questions it, you can say you think it’s not usual to do for baby 2 etc…. If you do it for her it will go on for every friend who gives birth multiple times. Stand your ground. Good luck

I was going to say that baby showers are ridiculous and grabby. But what you are talking about is more acceptable.

As for @nursedae 's friend I would have declined the first one and asked if it was a joke when invited to the second one..

I refuse to go to any baby shower as I think they're self indulgent shite and I prefer to give a gift after the baby is born. £100 to go to a baby shower is outrageous.

But I don't think its limited to a first baby is it? If it is, that makes no sense to me.

Agree! My mum would probably not have known the terms baby shower, baby sprinkle, or gender reveal when she was pregnant-and in one generation, people have all 3. Fair enough, live and let live and people can do what they want-but you don't have to go.

I'm sorry, did you say the host suggested a £100 present contribution each plus contribute to the cost of the shower?

Sorry, this isn't an American thing, it's just a people thinking instagram is real life thing. I grew up in the US, all my family are there, and the number of showers I've attended or gifted for is easily in the triple digits. Outside of wealthier social circles that sort of expectation for a first baby would be excessive and downright embarrassing for the second. In fact, if I'm going to give a £100+ gift for one of my extended family I generally do it privately rather than at the shower in front of others who will expect £30-40 to be a generous gift from friends and extended family, even for a first baby. Showers are usually hosted by 1-2 close friends/family members or older women from the mum's church (guests don't chip in) and most are paper-plate-and-homemade-nibbles casual.

Both extremes when it comes to second baby showers are silly - second babies don't need as much as the first but they certainly do need plenty of things, including some big items (when babies are close together the older child is often still using their crib as a toddler bed and double prams become helpful) and items that get used up quickly like diapers, utility-clothes, cloth bibs, etc. There's also a trend away from everyone and their aunt showing up to visit baby in the first few weeks and bringing presents then, so it's fine to have a low-key shower/sprinkle.

The response you sent sounds great. Whoever initiated this sounds like they lack the awareness and real-world grounding needed to be a gracious host.

Just don’t go. It’s ridiculous and grabby.

Im expecting my second DC, my first is 16 months. I didn’t have a baby shower for my first but we did get quite a few nice gifts when he was born, I’m not expecting the same this time!

I went to a baby shower recently. I wasn’t charged to go and everyone bought a small gift.. it was a lovely afternoon.
£100 is madness!

I’m not completely against the second baby shower but £100 for a gift!! I wouldn’t have contributed that for the first child never mind the second!

My SIL organised an afternoon tea for my first and some brought little gifts and some didn't. There was about 10 people. It was cheap and cheerful with no expectations (it was a suprise to me anyway) we were the last to have kids and received a ridiculous amount of hand me downs which I ordered to actual gifts anyway.
When I had my second some suggested another afternoon tea, not necessarily a shower, just chance to catch up before baby came. About 6 if us with a few tiny gifts. All gratefully received but really not needed or expected.
Is it the mum pushing this or a family member?

I hate baby showers. Such naff, American nonsense.

I would just make an excuse to be unavailable.

I'm fairly relaxed about baby showers when they're just used to mean eg a leaving party for someone going on maternity leave or a nice get together, but A HUNDRED POUNDS?! If anything things should be cheaper as she'll have loads of baby stuff still around. Glad to see you sent your apologies, that was the right call.

I'm sure they will expect a gift after the birth too, grasping seems to be the way these things go.

Then if you need those things for the child you have chosen to conceive and deliver then that's your responsibility rather than expecting others to prop you up.

I think it’s much nicer to receive gifts and best wishes voluntarily from those who genuinely care, as opposed to a group who have been corralled (sometimes not altogether willingly) into a social setting and expected to offer gifts.

My mum was desperate to throw a baby shower for me. I didn’t want the fuss, so suggested a spa day instead. There were 4 of us in total and it was lovely. They did pull out a ‘mum to be’ sash and presents during the afternoon tea. I was a bit embarrassed, but it was such a lovely day and the swimming made me feel amazing.

This. 100%. Baby shower is also about celebrating the pregnant mummy. Regardless of the number of babies she already has she is still going through a whole pregnancy so it's beautiful to have people that love you and want to celebrate you. However the cost thing is too much, that's my YANBU

YABU.

Just went for a second baby shower for a friend last weekend. Think it's called a "sprinkle" the second time. Not only did I not mind it, I was happy to be able to spoil her a little and catch up before she has the baby. It's hard being pregnant and 10 times harder when you also have a toddler.

Some people who were invited didn't make it. I don't know if they couldn't make it because of schedules or because they felt like you and it frankly doesn't matter.

Go if you want. Don't go if you don't want to.

I’m so glad I had my babies before baby showers were a thing.
im not superstitious but surely it’s tempting fate to celebrate a baby before it’s even born?

I’d be bowing out of this if I was you OP.

But where did the idea come from that other people should buy these things for you?

The Age if Entitlement is upon us!