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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Friend is annoyed at me for not being able to make their party.

73 replies

HollieTalbut1997 · 15/09/2025 04:21

Do you think I am being unreasonable here, or is my friend being really immature?

A long time friend is having a party for their birthday in a few weeks, when they told me the date I said I couldn’t make it as I had plans that day already (other friends who they don’t know are visiting). They were visibly annoyed but we were out with other friends so carried on the night pretty much as normal. In a later conversation, I said I would see if I could swap my plans around, this is probably part of a people pleasing problem but I knew it would be tricky to switch for various reasons.

I haven’t been able to move plans so told friend this via text. They have opened it and not replied in a few days. I understand it’s the weekend before their birthday so they had expected I’d be free to do something to celebrate, but to think this is really immature for someone in their later twenties?

I think they feel I’m prioritising one friend group over another which isn’t the case, just one set of plans came up first and have been in the diary for a while.

OP posts:
marcopront · 15/09/2025 04:25

Why does he think you should prioritise his plans over ones you had made earlier?

Original poster
HollieTalbut1997 · 15/09/2025 04:28

marcopront · 15/09/2025 04:25

Why does he think you should prioritise his plans over ones you had made earlier?

I think the expectation is that I would have kept the weekend free because it’s their birthday weekend

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 15/09/2025 04:29

Remind friend that you already had a previous engagement organised.
Tell friend that, unless they are planning a surprise wedding, you can not break your acceptance of the first commitment.

Summerlilly · 15/09/2025 06:30

Unless you are about to drop a massive drip feed that you are secretly in a relationship with this friend. They are being massively immature and unreasonable to expect you to manage your life around them.
Let them sulk, you’ve done nothing wrong

Barrenfieldoffucks · 15/09/2025 06:32

Depends...are you with the other friends all weekend for example, in which case you could suck out for a few hours? Or does he know them too in which case you all go out for a bit?

Otherwise know, plans are plans.

Digte · 15/09/2025 06:53

Do you even know they feel this way? Or have you jumped to the conclusion they are being immature?

You said you weren't going, then maybe would try, then back to not coming. What do you want them to reply and say?

TheaBrandt1 · 15/09/2025 07:03

Am on the side of the party planner it’s really stressful putting yourself out there and having a party. Are you sure you can’t go? These big parties are pretty rare as adults and a good opportunity to see a whole group together and make memories.

londongirl12 · 15/09/2025 07:07

TheaBrandt1 · 15/09/2025 07:03

Am on the side of the party planner it’s really stressful putting yourself out there and having a party. Are you sure you can’t go? These big parties are pretty rare as adults and a good opportunity to see a whole group together and make memories.

But if someone can’t go, then they can’t go. They should have asked earlier if it was that important.

CaptainMyCaptain · 15/09/2025 07:16

Digte · 15/09/2025 06:53

Do you even know they feel this way? Or have you jumped to the conclusion they are being immature?

You said you weren't going, then maybe would try, then back to not coming. What do you want them to reply and say?

I would expect them to understand that I'd tried but couldn't change my plans. Would they be happy about plans they'd made with the OP being dropped because a better offer came up?

ComfortFoodCafe · 15/09/2025 07:22

If you cant go, you cant go. They are being unreasonable for someone in their twenties - birthdays are really not a big deal when you get out of your teenage years!

TwistedWonder · 15/09/2025 07:28

She’s being ridiculous. I’ve got a big birthday later this year and having a big group night out. One of my best friends already had long standing plans that weekend - I’m disappointed but people have lives and I completely understand.

MrsToothyBitch · 15/09/2025 07:32

I think YANBU. You made other plans first. If his party is such a big deal he could've told everyone sooner to save the date and you may still have been busy.

It's easy to get wrapped up in your vision when you're planning an event so I can see why he's miffed but he's an adult and he needs to get over it.

I'd also never assume someone had a big party planned bang on their birthday. People do all sorts and have their parties / get togethers early, a week later etc because that's life.

AhBiscuits · 15/09/2025 07:37

What have they actually said about it? They looked annoyed and haven't replied to your text. Is that it? They're probably feeling a bit disappointed, but it doesn't sound like they are kicking off. What do you want them to say?

Limon87 · 15/09/2025 07:41

This happened to me for my friends 30th nine years ago. We booked a holiday when her birthday fell (it was a week day) six months prior and she was furious. Kept the weekend after her birthday free and she ended up doing hardly anything anyway but was so annoyed. Then we got engaged and married and she got the hump because our wedding was a Friday and she was a teacher… We’ve not been friends since, no epic fall out but just a refusal my side to be controlled by people at this age!

Your friend is being unreasonable let her get in touch if she wants to. Sounds like she wants to guilt you.

Original poster
HollieTalbut1997 · 15/09/2025 08:05

Barrenfieldoffucks · 15/09/2025 06:32

Depends...are you with the other friends all weekend for example, in which case you could suck out for a few hours? Or does he know them too in which case you all go out for a bit?

Otherwise know, plans are plans.

Yes with them all weekend as other friends who are visiting are travelling a long way and staying at my house. I can’t leave to attend a party when they’ve travelled and I don’t get to see them often. They don’t know my friend having the party so won’t be interested in going to it

OP posts:
Original poster
HollieTalbut1997 · 15/09/2025 08:06

TheaBrandt1 · 15/09/2025 07:03

Am on the side of the party planner it’s really stressful putting yourself out there and having a party. Are you sure you can’t go? These big parties are pretty rare as adults and a good opportunity to see a whole group together and make memories.

I do get that and I’m genuinely sorry I can’t go. But I have other friends travelling and staying in my house to come see me so don’t see how I can attend, even if I really want to.

OP posts:
fungibletoken · 15/09/2025 08:28

AhBiscuits · 15/09/2025 07:37

What have they actually said about it? They looked annoyed and haven't replied to your text. Is that it? They're probably feeling a bit disappointed, but it doesn't sound like they are kicking off. What do you want them to say?

Agree with this - you know your friend best, but there are a whole load of reasons along the spectrum of why they haven't replied yet before you get to them doing this to make you make you feel bad. If it really is a big event they might just be busy fielding replies and have put yours in a box of "not coming" without feeling the need/having the time to reply. Put it out of your head and see if you can get on as normal afterwards.

Swiftie1878 · 15/09/2025 08:33

HollieTalbut1997 · 15/09/2025 04:28

I think the expectation is that I would have kept the weekend free because it’s their birthday weekend

Show quote history

Tbh, if it’s a very good friend, I’d have checked birthday celebration plans with them before booking someone else in for their birthday weekend.
Having said that, I think being ‘annoyed’ about it is a bit much from your friend. I could understand them being sad that you hadn’t checked, but not annoyed.

Mrsgus · 15/09/2025 10:17

As its a party, i'm assuming it will be at a venue somewhere so would it be possible for your visiting friends to go too? That way, your friend whose party it is will be happy you are there and your visiting friends will get a night out and get to meet your other friends.

Emmz1510 · 15/09/2025 10:19

How close are you and this friend? I mean, Yanbu to not want to cancel on your other friends, but I don’t think I would have deliberately made plans to do something else on another friends birthday, especially if we were close and I knew they were likely to arrange something. Did you not know or did you forget it was their birthday?
You can always plan to do something separately with them I guess.

BoredZelda · 15/09/2025 10:20

Digte · 15/09/2025 06:53

Do you even know they feel this way? Or have you jumped to the conclusion they are being immature?

You said you weren't going, then maybe would try, then back to not coming. What do you want them to reply and say?

“Oh that’s a shame, but it can’t be helped, hope you have a great weekend with them, catch up soon xx”

It’s not hard.

AltitudeCheck · 15/09/2025 10:23

You are putting a lot of words in their mouth by assuming your friend not replying to a text (esp one that doesn't need a reply) means they are annoyed/ upset. Send a card/ gift /HBD text and continue as normal.

BoredZelda · 15/09/2025 10:26

TheaBrandt1 · 15/09/2025 07:03

Am on the side of the party planner it’s really stressful putting yourself out there and having a party. Are you sure you can’t go? These big parties are pretty rare as adults and a good opportunity to see a whole group together and make memories.

“Making memories” 🤢

What kind of memories will the friend miss out on? There will still be a party, and people celebrating. Fun will still be had. OP is still a friend they do things with. The baseline for any disagreement is, if my friend were on their deathbed, would I still be angry with them for this. If the answer is no, then whatever has been done doesn’t matter.

darknightslightmorning · 15/09/2025 10:27

Explain the clash to your visiting friend and ask them to go along with your for a couple of hours. I get you think they might not want to but they might surprise you.

Shewasafaireh · 15/09/2025 10:35

I think any adult that throws a temper tantrum for someone not being able to make it to their birthday party is really immature, to be honest.