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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Friend is annoyed at me for not being able to make their party.

73 replies

HollieTalbut1997 · 15/09/2025 04:21

Do you think I am being unreasonable here, or is my friend being really immature?

A long time friend is having a party for their birthday in a few weeks, when they told me the date I said I couldn’t make it as I had plans that day already (other friends who they don’t know are visiting). They were visibly annoyed but we were out with other friends so carried on the night pretty much as normal. In a later conversation, I said I would see if I could swap my plans around, this is probably part of a people pleasing problem but I knew it would be tricky to switch for various reasons.

I haven’t been able to move plans so told friend this via text. They have opened it and not replied in a few days. I understand it’s the weekend before their birthday so they had expected I’d be free to do something to celebrate, but to think this is really immature for someone in their later twenties?

I think they feel I’m prioritising one friend group over another which isn’t the case, just one set of plans came up first and have been in the diary for a while.

OP posts:
NoCommentingFromNowOn · 15/09/2025 10:42

This is strange. Your friend is not 7 presumably. If your birthday is important, and having specific people there is important, you talk to them first. If you don’t, you run the risk of people not being able to make it.

However, is he actually upset? Or just busy?

Original poster
HollieTalbut1997 · 15/09/2025 10:43

Mrsgus · 15/09/2025 10:17

As its a party, i'm assuming it will be at a venue somewhere so would it be possible for your visiting friends to go too? That way, your friend whose party it is will be happy you are there and your visiting friends will get a night out and get to meet your other friends.

No it’s just a party at their flat. I have 4 friends visiting and so I don’t think it’s really fair to show up with 4 extra people. Plus I know it’s not the kind of party they’d enjoy. They are spread all over the country and we don’t get to see each other often so I think they’d probably be annoyed if I said let’s go to a party of someone you’ve never met

OP posts:
SirBasil · 15/09/2025 10:45

TheaBrandt1 · 15/09/2025 07:03

Am on the side of the party planner it’s really stressful putting yourself out there and having a party. Are you sure you can’t go? These big parties are pretty rare as adults and a good opportunity to see a whole group together and make memories.

oh god "make memories" get out of here!

Friend organises a party and issues invitation. Invitee can't make it and politely declines citing prior engagement. That is the end of it.

(op stop saying things like "i can try to rearrange")

If OP had accepted friend's invitation, then blown off friend because visitors were coming, that would have been a huge drama, i suspect. We teach children from quite young that you don't do this, and this should carry through to adulthood.

Ihadtheonearmedbanditfever · 15/09/2025 10:45

It depends on the friendship and what you usually do.

If you're in a group who all celebrate each other's birthdays or even if the two of you always do then yes it's a bit off you haven't kept the date free or checked if they had plans before you made some for their birthday date.

If that doesn't usually happen then it's ok that you have other plans.

Unless - you said late 20s - is it their 30th?

Original poster
HollieTalbut1997 · 15/09/2025 10:45

Emmz1510 · 15/09/2025 10:19

How close are you and this friend? I mean, Yanbu to not want to cancel on your other friends, but I don’t think I would have deliberately made plans to do something else on another friends birthday, especially if we were close and I knew they were likely to arrange something. Did you not know or did you forget it was their birthday?
You can always plan to do something separately with them I guess.

We are close and have been friends since school. I had not forgotten it was their birthday but since their birthday falls during the week, they might have celebrated on either weekend. They also don’t always plan something for their bday, or have done it late in the past and as they hadn’t mentioned it I assumed this may be the case again. I have suggested us going out for tea together but they aren’t replying to my texts…

OP posts:
Skyflyinghigh · 15/09/2025 10:46

You probably shouldn’t have said you would try and be free and just left it that you couldn’t attend. You are allowed to be busy with other friends, they are allowed to be disappointed. No one is unreasonable

SirBasil · 15/09/2025 10:48

i really think we have lost something in our society when people are totally unable to either handle a polite "thank you for the invitation, i can't attend" or give a polite "thank you for the invitation, i can't attend" answer.

MiniCooperLover · 15/09/2025 10:51

It's a diary clash, it happens. I would think nothing more of it and if the birthday friend drags it out then that says a lot about them.

Original poster
HollieTalbut1997 · 15/09/2025 10:54

Skyflyinghigh · 15/09/2025 10:46

You probably shouldn’t have said you would try and be free and just left it that you couldn’t attend. You are allowed to be busy with other friends, they are allowed to be disappointed. No one is unreasonable

Yeah that’s valid - I wish I hadn’t now

OP posts:
Original poster
HollieTalbut1997 · 15/09/2025 10:55

Ihadtheonearmedbanditfever · 15/09/2025 10:45

It depends on the friendship and what you usually do.

If you're in a group who all celebrate each other's birthdays or even if the two of you always do then yes it's a bit off you haven't kept the date free or checked if they had plans before you made some for their birthday date.

If that doesn't usually happen then it's ok that you have other plans.

Unless - you said late 20s - is it their 30th?

It’s not their 30th. We often do things for people’s birthdays within the friendship group but not always on peoples birthdays/nearest weekends. We’re all busy so often it will be a few weeks late etc

OP posts:
gannett · 15/09/2025 10:58

Shewasafaireh · 15/09/2025 10:35

I think any adult that throws a temper tantrum for someone not being able to make it to their birthday party is really immature, to be honest.

No one has thrown a temper tantrum. They have merely not replied to a text that doesn't need a reply, and the OP has bizarrely interpreted this as them getting annoyed.

In a later conversation, I said I would see if I could swap my plans around, this is probably part of a people pleasing problem but I knew it would be tricky to switch for various reasons.

This is the most unreasonable behaviour on anyone's part. OP said she couldn't make it, then said she might be able to, then said she couldn't. From the perspectiv e of someone trying to plan a party, this is incredibly annoying and "people-pleasing" is no excuse.

sweetpickle2 · 15/09/2025 10:59

Your friend is being unreasonable, but you shouldn't have said you'd see if you could move the plans if you knew you probably wouldn't be able to. You said that to ease your own guilt and because of people pleasing tendencies, but it's not your fault you already had plans- I fear you've just made it worse now though.

gannett · 15/09/2025 11:01

I also don't understand how "people-pleasing tendencies" make you behave in the way most likely to annoy people by dicking them around.

Paganpentacle · 15/09/2025 11:02

TheaBrandt1 · 15/09/2025 07:03

Am on the side of the party planner it’s really stressful putting yourself out there and having a party. Are you sure you can’t go? These big parties are pretty rare as adults and a good opportunity to see a whole group together and make memories.

So she needs to cancel prior arrangements.... or clone herself.
Which do you advise?

Ihadtheonearmedbanditfever · 15/09/2025 11:05

@HollieTalbut1997 I probably might have checked with a close friend first still but it all sounds quite casual so her reaction does seem a bit OTT!

I also think, you've clearly tried to make amends and offered alternative plans and it's a bit sulky of your friend not to acknowledge that. Which would annoy me!

CaptainMyCaptain · 15/09/2025 11:06

gannett · 15/09/2025 11:01

I also don't understand how "people-pleasing tendencies" make you behave in the way most likely to annoy people by dicking them around.

She tried to rearrange a prior engagement but couldn't. How is that dicking people around?

coffeetasteslikeshit · 15/09/2025 11:09

gannett · 15/09/2025 11:01

I also don't understand how "people-pleasing tendencies" make you behave in the way most likely to annoy people by dicking them around.

I expect she thought that her friend would be pleased that she was prioritising them by trying to change her plans.

nomas · 15/09/2025 11:10

Your friend needs to grow up. Not everyone can attend, it happens.

You shouldn't have said you'd try and move your friends' visit, you've given birthday ammunition to think you could have attended if you had tried a bit harder. Stop being a people pleaser! Your original decline was fine.

coffeetasteslikeshit · 15/09/2025 11:11

Op, I've been where you are now but I'm a lot older than you now, and my advice is to stop texting this friend. The more you try to creep around them, the more they will think that they are in the right for their reaction.

JetFlight · 15/09/2025 11:12

You are definitely not being unreasonable. You have a prior engagement that you need and want to honour. These things happens and your friend just has to accept it, no matter how disappointed they are.
You don’t need to do anything further. Let them get over their disappointment and contact you when they’re ready. Only because you mentioned you’re a people pleaser - you can’t please everyone even though you tried, and you don’t need to apologise anymore. This is now for them to deal with.

LibbyOTV · 15/09/2025 11:17

Do you actually want to go? It doesn't sound like you really even want to go or expressed that. It's not people pleasing to try to rerrange a plan in order to make a good friends bday - it's just being a good friend and wanting to be there for them and their big moments!
If a good friend of mine couldn't attend my bday party - or vice versa - we'd def try to rearrange and if not poss express feeling gutted and sad and wishing we could be there for them. You don't sound like you care much about this person imo.

Elephantangel1991 · 15/09/2025 11:22

HollieTalbut1997 · 15/09/2025 08:05

Yes with them all weekend as other friends who are visiting are travelling a long way and staying at my house. I can’t leave to attend a party when they’ve travelled and I don’t get to see them often. They don’t know my friend having the party so won’t be interested in going to it

Show quote history

I don't think party planning is stressful personally, I love planning parties- and never would have been upset if someone didn't make it. But in my twenties I had the kind of parties where people brought friends along, the more the merrier- i lived abroad and visitors, short-term residents etc were frequent. And visitors would be happy to come along to random people's parties- the society was very much like that, a party was a party kind of thing. Are you sure your friends wouldn't be up for it? I'd ask just in case. But if not she's being totally unreasonable not to accept a polite no.

tigger1001 · 15/09/2025 11:24

TheaBrandt1 · 15/09/2025 07:03

Am on the side of the party planner it’s really stressful putting yourself out there and having a party. Are you sure you can’t go? These big parties are pretty rare as adults and a good opportunity to see a whole group together and make memories.

But surley people have to understand that perhaps some may have other plans. That's just life. It's pretty self absorbed behaviour to think otherwise.

i have to be honest, if someone was getting annoyed with me as I couldn't attend their party (assuming I'd said at the time of the invite I couldn't attend) then I would distance myself from them.

EggsBen · 15/09/2025 11:30

I once left a pre planned trip to Dublin early, to attend a friend’s 30th birthday party. That level of effort has never been reciprocated, so I regret doing it to this day.

Lighttodark · 15/09/2025 11:32

So they’re not replying to several texts - yanbu to think they’re annoyed but they are unreasonable and rude to react this way. What a child. Once had a ‘friend’ like this.