AIBU? Friend is annoyed at me for not being able to make their party.

[HollieTalbut1997]

Do you think I am being unreasonable here, or is my friend being really immature?

A long time friend is having a party for their birthday in a few weeks, when they told me the date I said I couldn’t make it as I had plans that day already (other friends who they don’t know are visiting). They were visibly annoyed but we were out with other friends so carried on the night pretty much as normal. In a later conversation, I said I would see if I could swap my plans around, this is probably part of a people pleasing problem but I knew it would be tricky to switch for various reasons.

I haven’t been able to move plans so told friend this via text. They have opened it and not replied in a few days. I understand it’s the weekend before their birthday so they had expected I’d be free to do something to celebrate, but to think this is really immature for someone in their later twenties?

I think they feel I’m prioritising one friend group over another which isn’t the case, just one set of plans came up first and have been in the diary for a while.

The friend should have made arrangements for the party earlier and let people know to avoid this sort of thing.

She knew she couldn't rearrange the prior appointment. Yet after telling the other friend she couldn't make the party - which is where it should have ended - she went through a pointless rigmarole of "oh I might be able to make it, oh no I can't make it after all" for no reason at all.

You must go to fancy parties! Other than special occasions, eg 50th party, everyone I know just has birthday gatherings at their house!

I understand why you're friend is upset. You sound like best mates. And you knew they were having a party. Plus, it sounds like an important Birthday. I would apologise, however, you may never be the same again. And that is your doing!

"I understand it’s the weekend before their birthday so they had expected I’d be free"

Why do you understand that? It's a ridiculous thing for them to expect.

Is it a special birthday a big one ? Id always check in with my very very close friends before I book anything else ( unles its unavoidable holiday or big family event ) so perhaps they are (depending how close you are and if its a big birhday ) a little upset but they will get over it im sure, life happens ! Just send them an extra special card /present or suggust you take her out another weekend for her birthday. I had 4 different celebrations for my 40th with different people haha I loved it !!

On the face of it, seeing as you already had plans, you are not being unreasonable.

However... if this is a situation that has perhaps previously happened in the past (?), I can see why your friend might be hurt. One of my closest (now ex) friends had a habit of forgetting when my birthday was and year after year usually couldn't make my celebrations (whether low key or special big birthday) because she had made other plans (despite being given notice and/or knowing when my birthday was). It became so hurtful that she's no longer a friend (partly for that reason and a larger part due to other hurtful/intolerable behaviour).

If your birthday is that important you need to give people more warning.

I don't know the dates of all of my friends' birthdays and I can't be expected to block out my calendar for weeks of the year on the off chance that one of them might organise something.

The person who has the better organizational skills wins out here. Tough, but it is what it is.

You being busy isn’t a problem, but you saying that you’d try to switch things around when you knew that wouldn’t be possible is really annoying. Just be honest in future then no one can complain.

Earlier plans always take priority.

If you have said you can't make and sent a text, leave it at that. You could send another text a day or two beforehand and wish them a Happy Birthday and say you look forward to catching up soon. The ball is then in their court. If you never hear from them again, you know they weren't worth it and if you do and their birthday bash is not mentioned move on together. Interesting either way but don't bend over backwards for other people, they never do for us and the older you get, the more you will realise how selfish many people can be.

What are they supposed to reply? You've said you can't make it. They've read the text, and you know they have. Job done.

Yeah, that was pretty pointless tbh.

I would argue most people would interpret not replying as being annoyed, though. A simple “thank you for letting me know” would have sufficed.

agree that the tendency to say "I'll see if i can change my plans" is people pleasing, do not see how "oh sorry, I've checked, i can't move my plans, sorry can't come to your party" is dicking anyone around.

The invitation has initially been declined, and remains so until further notice.

OP says "I knew it would be tricky to switch for various reasons" and has confirmed the plans are 4 different people coming from out of town to stay with her. She knew full well when she offered to move the plans that she wouldn't be able to- that is dicking people around.

Thats ridiculous to assume youd do that. Fair enough if they had said months ago keep it free as id like us to celebrate but to think youd keep it free on the off chance? Just ignore them and their childish behaviour .let them sulk

Your friend is being very unreasonable!

If I’m being honest, it sounds as if you are a bit of a people pleaser, (I sympathise) and saying “no” to anyone is hard. I think that YOU feel guilty for (in your mind) “letting this friend down” and are imposing your own self imposed guilt into their feelings and actions.
I suspect that if you’d stuck with a straight “no” in the first place they would have been taken aback, simply because you never do, but would have accepted it, as “normal” people do. Saying that you’d try and change your plans probably wasn’t helpful, as you knew that this wouldn’t happen. Your friend is probably doing a small inward “eyeroll” because it would have been obvious that you couldn’t rearrange friends travelling to stay with you, but I’m sure they would understand that your prior commitment takes priority.
Don’t overthink it.

Male or female friend?

She could always extend the invite to your other friends if that’s an option, that’s what I would have done. She is being pathetic

Weird behaviour from your friend. I don't think most people routinely make a point of keeping all their friends' birthday weekends free just in case there's a party, do they?

Anyone like me born in December knows that other people make plans and it's always about you 🤣