to not invite my sister for Christmas?

[NameChangedforThis3036]

Our mother died in late August of dementia. Our dad died about a decade ago. I have three kids of university age. My sister has no kids as she never really wanted them, and she married a horrible man who had an affair and then left her.

I feel completely and utterly shattered after my mum's illness and death. I long, long, long to have Christmas with just my husband and kids, and no one else. I am dead with exhaustion after this year. Sis did more care, as she had more time, but obvs the whole thing is/was awful for us both.

Would I be unreasonable not to invite my sister for Christmas? She'll be on her own otherwise or have to go to friends, as our parents are gone and she's getting divorced. I know it sounds awful but I'm just so strung out. And I love Christmas just us.

Help!

No ties apart for the partner OP just now mentioned who apparently left her because she stepped up.

Why not do something with her on Christmas Eve or Boxing day?

The sister doesn’t drive & lives 100 miles away. No public transport on Christmas Day or Boxing Day so she’d be stuck with Christmas Day at the hotel. If I was her I’d prefer staying at home.

My sister is alone she’s hard work at times but she comes every Christmas

Sis did more care, as she had more time, but obvs the whole thing is/was awful for us both.

Since she works from home and has no husband or kids, she moved in with our mum for a few months at a time,

This jumps out initially. Minimising her larger contribution as just because she "had more time" and has no husband or kids. So telling.

And then you simply sound more unpleasant with each post.

Yes, YABU.

You’ve had the last 4 years as your nuclear family? So what does it matter? Really?

I’ve read this thread agog - what a heartless and cruel individual. I would never look at my mum the same way if she did this to her sister.

ND or not, this is just fucking spiteful. The way you post really does suggest some kind of personality disorder. It’s not normal to behave like that towards a sibling, who has not treated you badly and who nursed your parents to their death up until very recently.

OP just think how you would feel in the future if your kids wanted just their own nuclear family for Christmas, once they've flown the nest. Or if they went to in-laws and you were on your own. You might be grateful for your sister then. I think you should invite her this year as you are both grieving the loss of your mum, especially as you haven't had to host since Covid. I'm sorry for the loss of your mum, the first Christmas is always the worst x

You don't understand, only a DH and kids are real family. Parents and siblings don't count. OPs sister didn't have a DH or kids, her time is worthless. OP has a DH and kids so her time is precious.

Well what have I just read! You refer to your sister as choosing to be child free…do you know that 100% for sure? I would say to people it’s my choice but really it’s just not happened for me. So maybe her lifestyle choice wasn’t really a choice.
you were happy to let your sister do the majority of the caring apart from the odd day. But you state that she has a lack of community due to the caring, but it’s ok because you told her she should go home more and she didn’t. Why didn’t she because she put your mum first she prioritised her family for a few years. Who would have cared for her if she hadn’t? Certainly not you.
I would love to know what your family would think if you floated the idea of her being by herself…would they back your idea or think you are cold hearted. Even stating your daughter’s boyfriend wouldn’t be welcome…so you’d rather not have your daughter there than have him. It genuinely sounds like a wind up because you are so cold and self centred.

This is not the year to put yourself first.

Christmas is a time for family. All family, not just the immediate. It's also the time when suicide spikes.

Your sister has, arguably, had a worse year than you. She might not want to be with you for Christmas but you should absolutely be extending the invitation.

Think it would be cruel to lrave her alone tbh. And given that youve had past few years alone with your family it's hardly a major sacrifice to have her one year.

But you don't sound as if you care for her at all anyway given how you describe her and her marriage so maybe she'd be better off without spending Christmas where she's clearly not wanted. In fact, let's be honest , she probably already knows.

Could be nteresting to see in future years how much your children have learnt from you...

When your sister comes for Christmas, does she create more work for you? Or is it that she's suffering right now and you don't have any spoon left to deal with someone else's suffering?

I'd check and see if she had plans before worrying, it may be a relief for her not to have to run around after family members this year. She can finally spend Christmas with who she wants rather than who she is obligated to see/look after.

I was the sibling who cared for my parents and I think you owe her, OP. There is no excuse for dumping the care on her because you have a family so it made sense to you. You could and should have done more.

You have years of “family” Christmases ahead of you, your uni age children will be coming home for ages yet.

This thread may not be doing you justice but you are coming across as very selfish. Sorry.

Sorry for your loss (my own mum died of dementia last year) but if your sister did the brunt of the work and your kids are all uni aged why are you so exhausted you can’t face having your own sister with you at Christmas? By your own accounts she’s a decent person so how is it in any way extra work for you to have her there?

To be honest you sound pretty awful and a terrible sister.

100% this. I wonder why OP even posted. She won’t change her mind but her arguments are piss poor.
I feel so sorry for her sister. Would be interesting to see what happens in the future with her own DC who may want to spend Xmas “just us”.

There myst be more to this. A deep rooted envy or insecurity you hold towards your sister.

She works a high pressure job yet did the majority of caring for your mum.
She’s recently had a marriage breakdown.
She spent Christmases since 2020 with your mum.
Your kids love her.
She sounds absolutely decent in everything you post about her.
You are considering not inviting her because you want a “nuclear” family and to practice “self care” at Christmas.

I think deep down you harbour some insecurities because if not I honestly can’t fathom how you could rationalise such uncaring.

Im guessing if you asked your kids/husband they would absolutely want her to come and that’s something you struggle with, possibly because it highlights differences between you and her.

Speaking as the single, childfree sister who did most of the caring for years, because others were just so busy with their kids etc, I’d advise you not to bother inviting her. She knows full well how selfish you are, you’ve already demonstrated that throughout your mum’s illness. She knows you don’t want her there and the invitation will be issued begrudgingly and that you’ll seethe with resentment while she’s there. She won’t want to get a token pity invitation.

She will probably relish the prospect of doing exactly what she wants to do for Christmas without the responsibility and stress she’s had over the last few years.

There is absolutely and definitely something wrong with your brain and or mental health if you are unable to see how cruel and selfish you're being.

By all means leave your sister alone this Christmas.....BUT KNOW AND ADMIT OUT LOUD THAT YOU ARE BEING SELF CENTRED AND NARCISSISTIC

Happy to help 🙄

Fabulous post. I can relate 🥰❤️

Has it occurred to you op that in the last 5 years your dsis’ life will have become ‘very small’ whilst she’s been predominantly caring for your dm and that inevitably your dsis will be hugely impacted by DM’s death?

if Christmas is so much pressure do it differently & get your 3 adult children & your dh to help.

if I was your dsis that would literally be the end of things for me.

Just think of all those years she bought 5 Christmas presents to your 1 or 2, and the same at birthdays & all those other things she probably did for your parents because you had the children so she ‘had the time’

Truly awful example to set for your dcs frankly as well

I found it very painful to read your posts, OP. You sister sounds like a wonderful and compassionate person.
I have almost no words for how cruel and mean spirited you sound. Repeatedly mentioning her being childless as not your responsibility, but then at the same time using that as the reason she could care for you dying mother. No, your sister stepped up despite having a job and who knows what other commitments in her life. She struggled and carried the brunt predominately alone. And now when you have the opportunity to offer some support, you behave in such a cruel and cold manner.
I hope you reep what you sow.

I’m very sorry for your loss - but please don’t leave your sister on her own. My DS1 is 25 and we’ve had exactly one Christmas as a nuclear family in 25 years when PIL went to BILs. They would be on their own normally so they’re always welcome at ours.

I think inviting her ,would be the kindest thing to do ,she took the brunt of care for your mum ,so you had more time for your family
Not inviting her ,is showing a complete disregard for what she sacrificed of herself to care for your mum .
It would take an incredibly cold and hard person to leave their sister on their own at Christmas after mums recent death

You seem to really really actively dislike your sister. Do you?

@NameChangedforThis3036 In your opening post, you say "I long, long, long to have Christmas with just my husband and kids, and no one else." then later admit that you've done your special, no guests, Christmases for the past 5 years while your sister spent them with your Mum.

I know that caring for an elderly or dying parent will drain you physically and emotionally, as I'm sure your Sister will agree. It's not surprising that after a long illness, those family members who have spent lengthy periods of time supporting their parent will feel exhausted and bereft.

I think you're being very short-sighted if you think your eldest Daughter will be spending Christmas apart from her Boyfriend. It's still quite early to be making plans for Christmas - especially if you're younger - so don't be surprised if they want to spend the whole of Christmas together.

Obviously you have said you will not be extending an invitation to her Boyfriend. I would imagine that his Family will be more welcoming to your Daughter than you have been to her Boyfriend. You may well have a spare bedroom that your Sister could use if your Daughter chooses to spend her time with him and his family.

At any rate, I suspect you now realise that you're being incredibly selfish. Both to your Sister and Daughter.

Enjoy your Turkey.