to not invite my sister for Christmas?

[NameChangedforThis3036]

Our mother died in late August of dementia. Our dad died about a decade ago. I have three kids of university age. My sister has no kids as she never really wanted them, and she married a horrible man who had an affair and then left her.

I feel completely and utterly shattered after my mum's illness and death. I long, long, long to have Christmas with just my husband and kids, and no one else. I am dead with exhaustion after this year. Sis did more care, as she had more time, but obvs the whole thing is/was awful for us both.

Would I be unreasonable not to invite my sister for Christmas? She'll be on her own otherwise or have to go to friends, as our parents are gone and she's getting divorced. I know it sounds awful but I'm just so strung out. And I love Christmas just us.

Help!

Discuss it with them once she has told them. Hopefully one of them will care.

You might be, but do you see from the many many responses that you're missing a huge problem and maybe you need to accept that, if you don't want to severely damage your relationship with your sister?

Her marriage broke up before the illness. Yes, I'm sure she would have better community if she hadn't been away so much for a couple of years. I do know there was someone she was seeing and it broke down because she was away. But it was her choice and I used to encourage her to go home all the time.

Yes, it has been eye-opening.

The kids don't know. Husband has his own problems as his parents are really old.

Fairly sure your sister already has the measure of you, knows she isn't wanted, and is going to have a shit Christmas regardless of what you decide. The same way your kids already know their future partners won't be welcome without it needing to be spelled out to them.

My mum's like you. No time for anyone apart from her partner and her children. The only time she ever saw her in-laws was Christmas, when we would go to my nan's house for an hour before returning home. I never invited friends round to play because she made everything weird. So I don't go to hers for Christmas. I'd rather hang out with my sister.

You know you did very little to actually care for your mum, you know your sister did so much more than you, you know your sister has nothing to feel guilty about but you do ...you let your sister do all the hard work and now you want to cast her aside at Christmas....no wonder you're awake, how do you sleep at night???

I am in the UK, yes. Also unable to sleep. Not working till the afternoon. Must get some sleep.

More likely a sociopath.

Autistic people are often very empathetic, even though they're wrongly considered not to have empathy.

If she's like me, the wind has kept her awake. 😩😩

Yes, it's very windy here.

What about a compromise? Having grown up with a complicated family, my advice is consider your options. You really want a Christmas day with just your nuclear family, but you also feel you should do something with your sister, and there are very good reasons why you should. Why not do something with her on Christmas Eve or Boxing day? A lovely meal out if you hate hosting. Or cook or order in. Have presents if you want to make it more festive. Invite the kids or not. What would make it a positive rather than a burden?

And now I see you've written that your husband's parents are very old ...Christ, I hope he knows he's not getting any help or support from you to help care for them. Wonder how that makes him feel....???

Sociopath 😱 Can't be - I love my kids and husband so much, and I love my sis too. I just desperately want it to be just us. I'm convinced it will be our last, due to my eldest's relationship.

This is so heartless to read. You should be ashamed of yourself OP.

Just a few thoughts on your thread …

what do the rest of your nuclear family want to do for their Christmas?
would they want your sister there too ?
this is their Christmas too and so I feel that all voices should be heard.

In terms of your older one, it’s a holiday,
and if she’s maintaining a long distance relationship she may this year choose to either spend it away or invite her partner this year … how would you feel about either of those situations ?
She probably doesn’t get to see much of him if they’re living apart so might be a natural time when they both have time off work that they would want to be together. As it’s September it may not have been voiced between them, never mind to you.

Also, please realistically ask yourself how much hosting your family ( 5 adults ) would have to do for an extra person. It sounds like there may be a little taxiing required from someone ( and possibly a taxi found and booked for Christmas Day evening ) and a little extra food.

For me, if this had been a one off never had a nuclear family Christmas, then I might have been tempted to stand my ground. I think that I’m struggling when you say that you haven’t hosted family at all since pre covid. Surely as you have adult or nearly adult children some of the pressure of hosting an extra adult could be shared and things delegated this year ? O

They have a lot of family nearby - siblings and such.

So you're abdicating any responsibility for them too???
You really are a piece of work, aren't you?

This honestly just comes across as an opportunity to punish your sister for not having children. God love her, everything she's been through and you would be happy to leave her at home alone? I could never ever do this to my sister.

You don’t love your sister. If you did, you’d have some empathy and invite her for Christmas.

What makes you think your sister wants to see you and your family? Maybe she is wishing for a quiet Xmas to reflect and spend in church (I think you said she goes to church). You said it is a long trip to your place.

Maybe she is not keen to see you either! This is where you have a conversation with her to clear the air and be honest, “We are having a quiet Xmas at home.” No need to extend an invite initially (I personally think listen to her response and if she doesn’t have plans and would like to spend it with your family, then you should offer but that’s obviously your call).

I was confused. I thought you’d never had a Christmas with just your immediate family but it seems you’ve had the last 5 with them. Would I invite my sister? No. But only because she deserves more than a grudging Christmas at your house so don’t be a martyr, own your feelings and leave your sister in no doubt whatsoever about how you feel/who you are to her/what she is to you in the grand scheme of things.

I feel upset reading this. What is wrong with you? It is sociopathic in its selfishness. Your responses are really cold, too. I know you are grieving but this is very odd behaviour.

Do you worry what your husband and children would make of your meanness? If my mum did something like this to her sister it would lower my opinion of her frankly.

So your sister sacrificed everything for your mum? If she hadn't stepped up would you have just left your mum alone or would you have done more of the frantic driving back and forth thinking about the house burning down?

Do you know what OP? Tell your sister you don't want her as soon as possible so she can make other arrangements, however tell your kids and DH exactly why she isn't there.

Your sister's work may have been flexible, and she may have had no ties, but have you any idea how stressful and exhausting it would have been for her? She could have said your lifestyle wasn't her responsibility re caring but she didn't. She stepped up. By comparison one extra person for Christmas sounds like nothing..

I'm sorry for your loss .