to not invite my sister for Christmas?

[NameChangedforThis3036]

Our mother died in late August of dementia. Our dad died about a decade ago. I have three kids of university age. My sister has no kids as she never really wanted them, and she married a horrible man who had an affair and then left her.

I feel completely and utterly shattered after my mum's illness and death. I long, long, long to have Christmas with just my husband and kids, and no one else. I am dead with exhaustion after this year. Sis did more care, as she had more time, but obvs the whole thing is/was awful for us both.

Would I be unreasonable not to invite my sister for Christmas? She'll be on her own otherwise or have to go to friends, as our parents are gone and she's getting divorced. I know it sounds awful but I'm just so strung out. And I love Christmas just us.

Help!

If you can choose to not invite your sister, leaving her on her own after she was taken on the brunt of the care for your mother, and then go on to have your blissful nuclear family Christmas, then I do actually think there is something wrong with you. If that is a decision you can make peace with there is something seriously out of balance with you. If I was your sister this would put a massive chill in our relationship, if it survived at all. The fact you are willing to burn the relationship with your only sibling, after such a brutal year and over something so trivial is just awful.

Also, your kids are old enough to see how fucked up this is, you may get your nuclear Christmas, but I suspect your kids will not thank you for it, and they will know exactly what you are capable of. If I was one of them, I would be heading to my aunties house for Christmas.

I can understand that you would want it to be just your family at Christmas. But, being an adult and a decent human being is about recognising those feelings but still being able to weigh up what really matters and put others first when necessary.

This is one of those times when the scales are so tipped in favour of your sister's situation, your wish for a Christmas with just your family is insignificant in comparison with the year your sister has had and what she's been through.

This is selfishness and lack of compassion on another level.

It's got absolutely nothing to do with your sister not having children.

It's about recognising the nightmare of a year she's had and all the labour she's put in on behalf of the both of you and how hurtful it will be to be rejected by you / your family, this of all years. What would you have done if she wasn't there to look after your mum and it had been your responsibility?

You say you're keen on people taking responsibility for their actions. You need to take responsibility for ducking out of your responsibilities to your mum and letting your sister carry the burden of being her main carer. Good that you helped a little but it was no way comparible to what she took on so you didn't have to.

The least you can do is invite her for Christmas. To not do so in these circumstances is a huge "fuck you" to her and selfish in the extreme.

It's utterly selfish to prioritise yourself here. You are an adult FFS, act like one. Ever heard of the season of goodwill?

Isn't that was Christmas is supposed to be about though? Gathering with extended family and looking out for those who are vulnerable this time of year?

Wow, you are utterly horrendous on so many counts.

I know so many people like you who try to paint this kind of behaviour with fluff like "self care" and "boundaries". You have had the last 4 years of just yourselves while your sister sat and had presumably increasingly miserable Christmasses sat alone keeping your dementia ridden mother company, and now you want to leave her completely alone?

And speaking about previous Christmasses as if they were lost or wasted because you had to share them with those outside your nuclear family.

And banning your child from going anywhere else? Who do you think you are??

Utterly horrendous. I either hope this is a joke or reverse, and if not that one day you get a taste of your own medicine.

But you haven’t hosted Christmas with your sister for at least the last 5 years ffs! She stayed with your mother for the last five years. You also let me do the brunt of care for your mother, unbelievable.
I’m hoping your sister reads this thread and sees you for what you are, selfish and lazy.

Im very sorry for your loss. I think you're being incredibly selfish. She's your family too. If you dont invite it could damage your relationship.

How would you feel if your own children were facing this situation after your death?

I seem to recall a story about there being no room at the Inn.

What was it again?

I hope the sister fucks off to the a yoga retreat somewhere for Christmas and bar a token card each year doesn't speak to the OP again. They then discover later down the line that she was sat on a massive fortune through this career she could put on hold for their mother for months at a time but when she passes she leaves it to a dementia charity instead of her only family (the OP) because they're not 'real family' anyway.

Lucky you to have had a sister that did the vast majority of care and kept your mum company at Christmas for the last few years of her life.

What a selfish and ungrateful person you are.

And having one person extra is not "hosting" FFS. It is an extra plate.

You feel guilty quite rightly, because you’re being incredibly selfish and self absorbed and you know it.

Good

I felt for you at first, but your attitude is truly dreadful and I'm afraid you sound like a very unkind person. If you are like that in real life I'd be surprised if she wanted to spend any time with you anyway.

The thing is you say that you lost all your children's Christmases, but you didn't, you had those Christmases and got to be with family too. I think you have a very odd view of Christmas because to me it's all about love, charity, warmth and being together with everyone you care about. Surely you could do a nuclear family get together on boxing day or Christmas Eve.

Or suggest going out on Christmas Day. That way you see your sister for lunch but you have the morning and evening at home. And then you could always do a family Christmas full trimmings at home just for your family on Boxing Day?

One of you would have to not have a drink? Are you alcohol dependent? Jesus OP, grow up! It’s one person extra and she can help with ALL that extra work that one extra brings… Stop being a selfish cow and invite her. She might say no anyway.

Honestly, I couldn't personally exclude her in your shoes. I really couldn't.
I feel for both of you though.
She may have wanted children, and not told you the full story. These things can be complicated.
But, think of it another way - wouldn't you like to think your children will look out for eachother when the time comes that they have lost their parents?

What's having kids got to do with it. Going forward your kids might not want to spend or with you. How will that make you feel. You're incredibly selfish.

I wanted kids but couldn't have them. Do I get an invite in your scenario? Cos it's not "my fault"?

This really takes the biscuit!

Your sister, who by your own admission did almost all the heavy lifting and was by your mothers side as she died whilst you did very little bar attend a few appointments and “worried constantly” deserves much more than spending time with you. She needs a warm welcome and affectionate inclusion.

Or suggest going out on Christmas Day. That way you see your sister for lunch but you have the morning and evening at home.

The sister doesn’t drive & lives 100 miles away. No trains on Xmas Day or Boxing Day so if she came to the OP’s area for Christmas, the shortest period she could manage would be Christmas Eve to 27 Dec.

Maybe you've just heartless and selfish.

Until all of them, as modelled by you, decide that it's not a proper Christmas until they spend it only with their 'own' rather than 'original' family. They won't want it ruined by having to spend it with parents or in laws either...

Lucky she did choose not to have kids eh, otherwise she may have been able to.use them as an excuse not to step up.

I'm also amazed that you didn't want to have your mum at any point in the last 5 years, given she was clearly on the way out.