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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not invite my sister for Christmas?

831 replies

NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 02:04

Our mother died in late August of dementia. Our dad died about a decade ago. I have three kids of university age. My sister has no kids as she never really wanted them, and she married a horrible man who had an affair and then left her.

I feel completely and utterly shattered after my mum's illness and death. I long, long, long to have Christmas with just my husband and kids, and no one else. I am dead with exhaustion after this year. Sis did more care, as she had more time, but obvs the whole thing is/was awful for us both.

Would I be unreasonable not to invite my sister for Christmas? She'll be on her own otherwise or have to go to friends, as our parents are gone and she's getting divorced. I know it sounds awful but I'm just so strung out. And I love Christmas just us.

Help!

OP posts:
Woompund · 15/09/2025 05:04

NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 04:29

On Christmas night in the sticks? I'm not so sure.

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Have you contacted local taxi companies to see if any are actually working on Xmas day? Plenty do, and you can pre book. You just don't want to. I can't imagine how you could leave your sis alone months after your mum died. Next year you don't have to invite her - next year will be a completely different scenario as you'll have had a further year between you and the death of your mum. But for now, it would be cruel not to invite her.

Original poster
NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 05:05

inamini · 15/09/2025 05:02

My sister also didn’t have children. I could never imagine holding that against her at a time when she might feel lonely and in need.
She died suddenly and without warning last year. I’d give anything to welcome her into our loving home this Christmas, but we will never have that chance again.
I hope that when I’m gone my children will manage to be kinder to each other than you manage to be to your sibling.

God, I'm sorry. How old was she? What happened to her?

OP posts:
Woompund · 15/09/2025 05:05

NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 04:36

But why is it MY FAULT when she CHOSE not to have kids?

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Because family is not just the people you give birth to?!

Katflapkit · 15/09/2025 05:06

Wow. Are you completely devoid of any compassion or sensitivity? It is ONE person. ONE. Your sister who is going through a terrible time.

What does your husband say? What do your adult children say about leaving and Aunt on her own? I would take a dim view if they agreed.

NoWordForFluffy · 15/09/2025 05:06

NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 05:04

The eldest lives at home full time and the others are at uni. I'm not forcing anyone home. Eldest hasn't asked to spend Xmas with her partner, but she might next year.

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Your eldest doesn't need to ask to spend Christmas elsewhere. She can just tell you she's not going to be at home for Christmas!

ND ≠ selfish, by the way.

Original poster
NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 05:06

onetrickrockingpony · 15/09/2025 04:58

This thread is actually upsetting to read because it is so selfish.

So you had to go to a few medical appointments and did a bit of driving? Poor you. Your sister has taken on the brunt of care for years and you’ve been able to pretty much continue your normal life because she has sacrificed so much of her time and wellbeing to your mother’s final years. Are you not grateful for that? Do you not feel guilty that you did not or were not able to help
more?

Your mother passed only a few weeks ago and you are concentrating already on how you can shut your sister out. She actually sounds like a really decent person. And frankly, decent sisters don’t need much hosting at Christmas. I shared the care of my dying father with my older sister and she has decided not to have children by choice, whereas I have two small children. When she comes to mine for Christmas she spends a lot of it hanging out with me in the kitchen, food prepping, making mince pies with my 5 year old, etc etc. I don’t host her, she mucks in.

I just can’t believe how horribly selfish you are being.

I drove too fast under awful circumstances, heart clattering, thinking that Mum and the house would both be burned to bits when I got there. A few times. And I have done all the admin, which was A LOT.

OP posts:
UndoneProgress · 15/09/2025 05:06

My kids are at uni. We have never had a Xmas just us. It’s always with my brother’s family and parents. My brother and I alternate.

I would absolutely love one Christmas just with us. But it is never going to happen. I have accepted that. I think you need to as well. At least you have had some alone!

What a year to leave your sister alone. You can do what you want of course. But it would be mean.

Is this the grief talking? You have only just lost your mum so that might be influencing your thought processes?

The right thing is to invite your sister. I hope you can see that.

Woompund · 15/09/2025 05:06

NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 05:04

The eldest lives at home full time and the others are at uni. I'm not forcing anyone home. Eldest hasn't asked to spend Xmas with her partner, but she might next year.

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But if she did ask you 'wouldn't let' her
controlling

supersonicginandtonic · 15/09/2025 05:08

I'm glad you're not my sister!
I'd never see somebody on their own at Christmas. But then again I've grown up in a family where my mum would invite anybody she knew who'd be on their own to join us for dinner. Even had the local vicar one year.
I absolutely loved Christmas growing up, for that reason.

slashlover · 15/09/2025 05:10

NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 05:06

I drove too fast under awful circumstances, heart clattering, thinking that Mum and the house would both be burned to bits when I got there. A few times. And I have done all the admin, which was A LOT.

Edited
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Do you know how many times your sister had those moments worrying about your mum? She loved with her 24/7 apart from a few weeks every few months. Did you go an live with your mum in the weeks your sister didn't?

Original poster
NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 05:10

NoWordForFluffy · 15/09/2025 05:06

Your eldest doesn't need to ask to spend Christmas elsewhere. She can just tell you she's not going to be at home for Christmas!

ND ≠ selfish, by the way.

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She could, that's true. He's not coming here though.

OP posts:
Quashsquash · 15/09/2025 05:11

Perfectly embodying the spirit of Christmas there OP. 🙄

And maybe, just maybe, you make in your own mind too much of a deal about Christmas. You’ve said that you ‘hate’ it but also seem determined that it HAS to be just the family unit special Christmas blah, blah. Be warned that if you’re so stressed and crazy about making a perfect full-on family Christmas experience your children may happily avoid coming home for it in the future when they can and may not actually have the warm happy memories of it that you think they do.

My advice: you are grieving, your sister is grieving, this is exactly the year to scale things down to reduce stress and tension on all concerned, but it is also EXACTLY the year for togetherness.

Original poster
NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 05:11

slashlover · 15/09/2025 05:10

Do you know how many times your sister had those moments worrying about your mum? She loved with her 24/7 apart from a few weeks every few months. Did you go an live with your mum in the weeks your sister didn't?

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Sigh. She did, I know. She had Mum collapsing, yelling, convulsing, all sorts. I could not have done what she did. That's why I feel guilty.

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 05:12

slashlover · 15/09/2025 05:10

Do you know how many times your sister had those moments worrying about your mum? She loved with her 24/7 apart from a few weeks every few months. Did you go an live with your mum in the weeks your sister didn't?

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No, I couldn't, because of work. I did go down for a few days here and there.

OP posts:
NoWordForFluffy · 15/09/2025 05:12

NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 05:10

She could, that's true. He's not coming here though.

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Jesus Christ!

You won't be seeing her at Christmas for much longer then!

UndoneProgress · 15/09/2025 05:13

OP, what do your husband and kids think? Are they also happy to leave your sister alone at Xmas? Is there anyone in your family with compassion for her?

Birdy1982 · 15/09/2025 05:13

In this situation I have the reverse. Our mothers even passed in the same way and it was an awful few last years and passing.
I am your sister and my sister is you. Out of respect for my mother I have a cordial relationship but an unemotional low opinion of her.
You fail to acknowledge that her being the primary care giver enabled you to step back guilt free. The good thing is not letting her down by not inviting her for Christmas as expectations & opinion of you are going to be low based on established behaviour

Original poster
NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 05:13

NoWordForFluffy · 15/09/2025 05:12

Jesus Christ!

You won't be seeing her at Christmas for much longer then!

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Not coming here THIS Christmas, I mean. I might not be able to hold out after this year.

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 05:14

UndoneProgress · 15/09/2025 05:13

OP, what do your husband and kids think? Are they also happy to leave your sister alone at Xmas? Is there anyone in your family with compassion for her?

They don't know. She hasn't told them about their uncle yet.

OP posts:
NoWordForFluffy · 15/09/2025 05:15

NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 05:13

Not coming here THIS Christmas, I mean. I might not be able to hold out after this year.

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They will sense you don't want him there and go to his family, don't worry. You won't have to begrudgingly host him.

NeverKnowinglyUnderstated · 15/09/2025 05:16

Just when you think you've read it all on here, this pops up!
You're not ND, op, stop trying to make excuses for yourself, you're just absolutely fucking heartless.

slashlover · 15/09/2025 05:17

NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 05:12

No, I couldn't, because of work. I did go down for a few days here and there.

Edited
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So the entire burden was on your sister. Good thing she didn't have kids then isn't it OP? Otherwise, what else would you have done? Do you ever wonder if looking after your mum for years contributed to the break up of her marriage or her lack of a community? Still, as long as you get Christmas Day with all your kids, something your mother never had the last few years.

Original poster
NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 05:17

NeverKnowinglyUnderstated · 15/09/2025 05:16

Just when you think you've read it all on here, this pops up!
You're not ND, op, stop trying to make excuses for yourself, you're just absolutely fucking heartless.

I wonder about ND because I don't see this as the problem everyone else does.

OP posts:
UndoneProgress · 15/09/2025 05:17

OP I am up early at 0500 due to perimenopause and insomnia and I have to get up for work soon. You have been posting since 0200. Are you in the UK? Just curious!

goldenretrieverenergy · 15/09/2025 05:18

Do your children know you are planning to not invite their aunt and she will end up alone? If my mum did that, I would be pretty shocked. You sound very cold towards your sister and unless there is some drip feed about her being awful to you, I just can’t understand your thinking here.

You also keep saying you won’t end up alone on Christmas, because you have 3 kids, but then also how you disliked always having your parents and ILs over. It all seems a bit hypocritical to me. But I don’t think anyone will change your mind, so have your Christmas with your family only, exclude your sister and see how your kids feel about this.

I do hope this is a wind up though.