to not invite my sister for Christmas?

[NameChangedforThis3036]

Our mother died in late August of dementia. Our dad died about a decade ago. I have three kids of university age. My sister has no kids as she never really wanted them, and she married a horrible man who had an affair and then left her.

I feel completely and utterly shattered after my mum's illness and death. I long, long, long to have Christmas with just my husband and kids, and no one else. I am dead with exhaustion after this year. Sis did more care, as she had more time, but obvs the whole thing is/was awful for us both.

Would I be unreasonable not to invite my sister for Christmas? She'll be on her own otherwise or have to go to friends, as our parents are gone and she's getting divorced. I know it sounds awful but I'm just so strung out. And I love Christmas just us.

Help!

I would be OK with travelling with my DH in that case. And if anything happened to him, no way would my daughter leave me on my own. I'm a great mum, and we are very close. It's not the same with a sister. I didn't choose her and we are really different.

Sometimes these threads are like a cart rolling down a hill. If it hits a stone that causes it to veer left, it goes further and further to the left as it gathers speed.

Try not to let it bother you too much - but do look after your lovely sister.

Thank you for your kind words. I do feel guilty, but I gave in to people for so long that I just can't do it anymore.

Also, my sister isn't some young ingenue. She's well into middle age and is perfectly capable of looking after herself.

Op, do you really not see that this year is different though? It's the 1st Christmas since losing your Mum, that your Sister cared for, and who would otherwise be on her own at this painful time. You can see the cruelty in potentially doing that to her, can't you?

None of us are really totally capable of being all alone in life. But I agree, if she's working she'll be fine that day.

She's not going to be on her own though.

Your daughter didn't choose you either, OP.

You have to accept the possibility that she isn't necessarily going to want or be able to spend Christmas with you every year, even if your husband has died. She might want to spend every other year with her in laws, or take the holiday of a lifetime to Australia one year.

I think it's very arrogant and short sighted to assume that your daughter will never let you be alone for Christmas when you are happy to leave others alone.

One day you might want to spend Christmas with your sister because you have no other options, and your sister might politely tell you to sod off. Or since she's so caring and nurturing, she might show you the sort of kindness you haven't shown her. It sounds like she's a much nicer person than you are.

I think I'll leave this thread here. Thanks to the few supportive replies.

No, now she's not, but you didn't know that when you potentially wanted to inflict that on her this year of all years. So you can see how cruel that would be, yes?

You lied re: the number of kids you have?? From 3-1? Are you compos mentis???

More like praying mantis

Your daughter's partner might want to spend Christmas with his mum in the future if she's widowed. Would you expect her to abandon him, even if they marry and have children, to ensure you aren't alone?

Quite. She my also not be a "natural caregiver", at which point OP goes in a home. But at least she'll have company at Christmas. If anyone likes her.

You raised your daughter not your sister.

Yet your mother raised you and yet still you didn’t want to spend Christmas with her when she was dying.

Where did your Mum go wrong?

What happens if your DD is not a natural caregiver?

But you also said you NEVER wanted your mum and sister for Christmas.

So why won’t your daughter feel the same when she has a partner and kids?

You're living in delulu land if you think it can’t happen to you.

Really glad to see you've taken on all the responses about being kinder to your sister.

(Yes, I'm being sarcastic)

un bloody believable!! 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Having someone there who's not part of our little Three Musketeers group just changes the dynamic. It's less intimate. Just different. Can anyone relate?

🤮

You do realise that the Three Musketeers (allegedly) had the motto “All for one and one for all? Not “One for one and all for one”. And that they spent their lives in danger so that they could work as a team and help each other? Oh the irony…

Honestly on the off chance this isn’t a wind up I feel incredibly sorry for your sister. I am happy she’s at work out of your bubble of narcissistic nonsense but sheesh you really do take selfishness to a new level…

I doubt your sister is working the whole of Christmas unless she’s volunteered to because she knows she’s not wanted. I have a friend who’s a nurse. She has to work e.g. Christmas Eve night or Christmas daytime but never both.

No, she won't be alone... she'll be working (Jesus Fucking Christ!) You're unreal.

Your sister is a nurse so is used to caring for people but there's still a huge difference between caring for strangers as part of your job and caring for your mother, particularly with an illness as cruel as dementia. She made an absolutely huge sacrifice that you obviously don't really appreciate at all.

With reference to her having a slightly larger inheritance to make up for the couple of years she couldn't work to look after your mum, if she hadn't done that and you had had to pay for care, it's doubtful that there would be much inheritance left. You owe her a huge debt of gratitude but you don't seem to think so. All you can do is talk about your 'little family' and how important they are.

Honestly, she is better off without you. You sound totally smug and pretty heartless.