to not invite my sister for Christmas?

[NameChangedforThis3036]

Our mother died in late August of dementia. Our dad died about a decade ago. I have three kids of university age. My sister has no kids as she never really wanted them, and she married a horrible man who had an affair and then left her.

I feel completely and utterly shattered after my mum's illness and death. I long, long, long to have Christmas with just my husband and kids, and no one else. I am dead with exhaustion after this year. Sis did more care, as she had more time, but obvs the whole thing is/was awful for us both.

Would I be unreasonable not to invite my sister for Christmas? She'll be on her own otherwise or have to go to friends, as our parents are gone and she's getting divorced. I know it sounds awful but I'm just so strung out. And I love Christmas just us.

Help!

You can give feedback without name-calling. That moves it into pile-on territory.

No it doesn't, unless everyone is calling her names. This really has been very tame in the context of AIBU.

She has received the feedback she requested. AIBU isn't for the faint hearted to seek opinions on, after all.

Your sister IS your own family. More so than your husband. You are connected to your sister by blood. You are only connected to your husband by paperwork.

Wow! You are cold as ice OP!

But you’re determined to foist your child into a family Christmas when they want to spend it with their partner? Hate to break it to you OP but give it a few years and you won’t be welcome at their houses at Xmas and no amount of foisting is going to change that

Would it really kill you to invite her for the day or just lunch?

How cruel.

Having an emphasis on self care doesn’t give you carte blanche to be a complete b*tch or to behave in such a frankly psychopathically cold way.

This is one of the nastiest threads I’ve ever read on MN. OP you should be ashamed of yourself.

You’re another one who missed the bit about the sister not driving & living 100 miles away, so inviting her for lunch or even just for Xmas day would be a bit pointless, unless she could find a way to entertain herself until the trains start running again on the 27th (at the earliest).

You sound absolutely vile and selfish. You say She chose not to have children ,
maybe she didn’t choose it , maybe she couldn’t and didn’t want to confide in you .
i actually can’t believe this thread is real .

You are without a heart .

Don’t be so selfish @NameChangedforThis3036

Invite your sister this year but have a conversation with your family that next year you would love it to be just them.

You don’t have to invite your sister every year. But it’s cruel to exclude her this year when she will be feeling particularly sad.

Another angle occurred to me.
Your DCs might in fact be more likely to come on CD if their Daunt is there. It takes the focus off them and makes it into a wider family get together. The OP might have no interest in catching up with her Dsis, but her nieces and nephews may want to see her.

Just lunch is difficult as she lives 100 miles away.

Sis is going to be working all over Christmas, so problem solved. I changed some details so as not to be outing: so she's actually an NHS nurse. She didn't work for the couple of years that our mum was really bad, and she put her skills to good use for my mum instead. That's why she was the natural choice of caregiver. She did get more from the inheritance to make up for the lost salary, which obviously I'm fine with.

Someone asked about her partner. Sadly, he died six months after our mother.

Thank god, it means she doesn’t have to know how much you resented her potentially being there. I hope she has a lovely day, whilst you get what you always wanted, unless you children decide to do their own thing…..

Well, another detail I changed is that I actually only have one child. She's the one who's 22 and has the serious uni boyfriend, and I really do think that this is the last year ever that it will be just the three of us at Christmas. I want to cherish that time. I hope this makes it more understandable.

ETA: Having someone there who's not part of our little Three Musketeers group just changes the dynamic. It's less intimate. Just different. Can anyone relate? I don't know why I find anyone being there but my husband and child so uneasy, but there you are.

OP, I don't think most people really care what kind of Christmas you have.

Every word you write still drips with smugness that everything is for your convenience.

Your sister should have been given the whole inheritance for what she did for her mother.

she put her skills to good use for my mum instead.

Who cares what you think of her skills.

She did get more from the inheritance to make up for the lost salary, which obviously I'm fine with.

Who cares what you're fine with, you don't get a say.

Thank god, it means she doesn’t have to know how much you resented her potentially being there. I hope she has a lovely day, whilst you get what you always wanted

Fixed your response for you. "Her mother died, her partner died and thank God she has to work for Christmas so I don't have to have her; and since she is a nurse it is only natiral that she should do all the hard lifting". The OP that just keeps giving.

TBH I kind of hope the sister does know. She deserves to know what her sister is like and how little she is thought of, just in case the OP ever needs her to be a "natural caregiver" again.

Not in the slightest.

So it was also the year her partner died. Oh dear, I don't think that helps things OP. But I'm pleased everything worked out.

Nope. It doesn't. But I'm glad she won't be alone.

One day when your daughter wants to spend Christmas with her partner and not you, I hope you reflect on this.

I'm not a natural caregiver, I'm just not. I don't have the patience and seeing Mum so ill would have really scarred me. Sis does that as part of her job. I did my best to offer her support.

All your little drip feeds has made me think even less of you, and I didn’t think that was possible.

I'll make my own plans.

But MANY people want it to be just their own little family on Christmas Day.

I don't think you are going to turn this crew round at this point op; that horse has bolted. But I'm glad it has worked out for you and that your sister won't get hurt, as she sounds lovely.

Perhaps you could offer her a lovely Christmassy visit another day since it won't need to be impacting the 25th now?