to not invite my sister for Christmas?

[NameChangedforThis3036]

Our mother died in late August of dementia. Our dad died about a decade ago. I have three kids of university age. My sister has no kids as she never really wanted them, and she married a horrible man who had an affair and then left her.

I feel completely and utterly shattered after my mum's illness and death. I long, long, long to have Christmas with just my husband and kids, and no one else. I am dead with exhaustion after this year. Sis did more care, as she had more time, but obvs the whole thing is/was awful for us both.

Would I be unreasonable not to invite my sister for Christmas? She'll be on her own otherwise or have to go to friends, as our parents are gone and she's getting divorced. I know it sounds awful but I'm just so strung out. And I love Christmas just us.

Help!

I think there is a difference between saying you are BU and saying you are a horrible person.

@Calliopespa I don’t think that the OP likes her sister much, that’s what is at the heart of this. If she did, inviting her would be a no-brainer.

She says she does. It's just that her sister isn't part of her little family.

@ilovesooty I know she says it, but I don’t believe her!

I'm not agreeing with what she is doing; I'm just saying I think she has had a lot of "you are awful" because she hasn't tried to spin it as her Dsis being the one at fault - a claim which is always best "evidenced" on here by a layperson's "diagnosis" of a personality issue.

In fact, just like I wasn't and my mother wasn't. My sister openly told us "Husband and daughter are my family now" as well as "we're going to have our own turkey in our own little family".

And that's what she did. Every year. My widowed mother was my responsibility, even before my divorce. My ex husband got a bit sick of never going to his parents for Christmas.

That's because people think she / her behaviour is awful. And then she tried to play the ND card, trying to give a cause. She invited analysis / 'diagnosis' by trying to say she was ND, rather than just callous. Thereby offending actual diagnosed ND people.

The only person to blame here is her.

OP’s mum died last month. She has not talked much about her feelings for her mum, but who knows what other emotions she is feeling right now. I feel that it should surely be borne in mind whilst posting here.

Yes the ND suggestion was a mis-step.

We can only go on what an OP writes, when they post asking for feedback on an action or intended action. The OP chose to focus entirely on the overriding importance of having only her "family" at Christmas (so important to her that she chose equally not to spend any of the past five Christmases with her mother) and not her recently-bereaved sister, whose mother died last month.

So, posters have drawn their own conclusions.

This has been playing on my mind all day. It’s actually quite upsetting that someone could be that cruel to their own sister. I think it’s going to play on my mind for a long while to come 😞

It's true and I do think op is being really quite harsh to her sister, who sounds lovely. However, I think its a bit rich everyone is crowing on about the op being unkind to the poor sister who has lost her mum (and she has, and I do feel sorry for the sister) and then totally denigrating OP for being a horrid person, hoping her family do x, y and z to her etc etc without any thought for what the op is going through herself.

It's a case of either believing in kindness or not.

Glad I’m not the only one - it’s been on my mind today too.

Hell would freeze over before I left one of my sisters alone on Christmas Day.

Family- siblings. Like your sibling, whom you want to exclude?

I think it would be worth you examining why you are so obsessed with this vision of a family Christmas with just you, DH and your kids with none of their partners even though you have had those for the past 4 years, and why this vision is the only way you can enjoy Christmas. Why that vision doesn't allow for your one other closest blood family to be invited.

You can shift your thinking on this one. You say you feel guilty and youve posted here so you do understand the problem.

I made it through half the thread, and correct me if I’m wrong, the main gist is “I’m selfish and controlling and kind of a bitch, can you please all tell me I’m really not, that I’m just exercising self-care and boundaries”?

I can’t do links, but is anyone else thinking about the other thread where the lady has 3 adult DCs and nobody wants to spend Christmas with her?
Be careful OP, it’s best to keep your options open. Who knows when you will be the one looking at spending Christmas on your own.

I suspect the OP flounced long ago because she didn't like the replies.

OP this is on reflection a bit of a pile on.

The truth is you are not a bad person. Because if you didn't feel guilty or have concern you would not have posted the question in the first place.

You posted the question to get honest advice and views. The answer to your question is that it would be a huge error of judgement not to invite your sister. And I think the joy of being just with your little unit on the day that exists in your imagination in reality would be tainted by guilt on the day and not be as nice as you think. I also think it would harm your relationship with your sister forever more.

However your wish to have some precious time just as a family is valid. Invite your sister for Christmas day and then plan some special family Christmassy days around it.

❤

Essentially I think you have had an intrusive thought and posted it 😂

Don't take the comments too much to heart. But I hope you do the right thing.

I don't think it's necessarily true that she dislikes her sister - my sister-in-law certainly doesn't dislike my husband, they've always got on pretty well. She just doesn't see other people's needs as being as important as what she wants.

It's not a pile on. It's just almost 100% feedback that she's in the wrong.
And I think she posted expecting her position to be validated.

She was also disingenuous in that she stated it that she was exhausted after her mothers death and wanted a family only christmas.

Those lies soon came out in the wash as it transpired the last 5 Christmases have been just her little family and she left her mother and sister out in the cold for 5 years knowing her mum had dementia and still it didnt stop her. She then added she doesnt allow her eldest daughter, a woman in her 20s, to spend Xmas with her partner and doesnt allow her to spend jt away from home.

She lied and it soon was discovered. It was nothing to do with her mothers death she just had a bizarre need to have no one else present at Xmas but husband and adult kids.

Yes you would be unreasonable and downright mean to not invite her this year of all years. She's lost her mum too. If you had been completely alone once both your parents died, how would you feel if she'd excluded you?

Totally agree with this op.