to not invite my sister for Christmas?

[NameChangedforThis3036]

Our mother died in late August of dementia. Our dad died about a decade ago. I have three kids of university age. My sister has no kids as she never really wanted them, and she married a horrible man who had an affair and then left her.

I feel completely and utterly shattered after my mum's illness and death. I long, long, long to have Christmas with just my husband and kids, and no one else. I am dead with exhaustion after this year. Sis did more care, as she had more time, but obvs the whole thing is/was awful for us both.

Would I be unreasonable not to invite my sister for Christmas? She'll be on her own otherwise or have to go to friends, as our parents are gone and she's getting divorced. I know it sounds awful but I'm just so strung out. And I love Christmas just us.

Help!

OP, you said you weren’t holding the fact that she chose not to have kids against her. This is exactly what you are doing.

I find it really strange how much emphasis you're putting on this being the last Christmas with your husband and kids... who cares honestly. It's a bit wierd how sentimental you're being. It's your only sister ffs, who might be really struggling after picking up the lionshare of your mothers care so you didn't have to. Your sister who has made your life much easier for you.

I can't actually believe how cruel you are. Have you asked the kids if they'd like to see their aunty or is it all about you?

I’m trying, but I really can’t understand your perspective op. Your sister is one person. Unless she has some awful overbearing personality, how can one person impact your Christmas so much that you would rather leave a grieving sibling alone for Christmas? You’ve had those nuclear Christmases for years BECAUSE your sister cared for your mother all those years. If you don’t want to be driving to a hotel, buy a blow up mattress and make a bit of space in your study or even one of the kids floors, or ask two of your kids to share. I don’t like hosting either, but you don’t have to do anything different. So what she didn’t choose to have kids? What if she had wanted them but had been unable? This is just so cruel

Fuck me this is unpleasant. Your sister did the bulk of caring for your parents so you didn't have to, now you're dropping her like a stone. Just nasty and selfish.

Surely that's exactly what will happen if your kids take the same approach as you and decide they prefer the family they have created to their "original family".

Well which is it? You’ve had Christmases with just your family for the last few years or you’ve hardly ever had Christmases with just your family?

Either way, suck it up. To not invite your sister this year would be awful. You can tell her it will be lowkey and everyone will need to muck in. You can even say that if she wants to make other plans, you’ll understand. But if you leave her out, you will be acting in an incredibly selfish unkind way that shows your children you think it’s fine to cut people out of your life for no good reason,

The first Christmas without your Mum is incredibly difficult, I think it would be beyond cruel to leave your sister out this year, especially given she did most of the care for your Mum, just because you want Christmas on your own despite having had the last few on your own.

Self care is of course important, but we cannot become so self involved and selfish that we start to completely disregard the feelings of those we love, particularly in these early stages of grief. Why would you make what's going to be a difficult time for you both even more difficult and sad for her?

Be careful you don't make a decision you can't recover from.

Not sure OP will be back. I’ve rarely seen on MN someone so decisively have their arse handed to them as on this thread (though there have been some classic ones!)

Choosing not to have children is not ‘choosing not to have a family’. Sister HAS a family, OP, and you are it. You are the one choosing not to let your sister be part of her family, because your mother’s death has been so traumatic.

Guess what? She’s lost her mother in horrendous circumstances too. She’s facing Christmas without her husband. And now she’s not allowed to see her sister and nieces/nephews.

Can you really not see how vile that is?

Hopefully ops unkindness hits home with her kids/husband and she'll know soon enough what it's like to be abandoned by her family. I've got say, rarely does stuff shock me on here but this s a new low.
What a monster she is.

I’d be astounded if the OP came back.

And by now, even if she promised to give her sister the best bedroom and to fetch her from her home on the 23rd & drive her all the way back on the 27th, she would still get lots of flack from all the posters who never read beyond the first post. So there wouldn’t really be much point.

You sound incredibly selfish and unkind. You have an unearthly obsession with the idea of your’ nuclear family’ to the exclusion of all others. You still view and treat your DC as children, even though they are all adults. You are controlling towards them too - all this stuff about ‘not allowing’ your daughter to spend Christmas with her bf. She’s an adult, you don’t get to dictate to her.

I feel sorry for your poor sister. She obviously did the lion’s share for your mother, yet you are so lacking in gratitude that you want her to be alone at Christmas and you don’t give a damn about her feeling neglected. Your repeated snide comments about her ‘choosing’ not to have children are judgmental and downright nasty.

There’s a clear reason why you haven’t discussed this with your children - you know that they would have compassion for their aunt and would be happy for her to join your family Christmas. But you only care about your own wants and needs. The world doesn’t revolve around you. You really should take a long, hard look at yourself.

That's a really good point about carehome fees.

I know how much a good EMI home is per week and yeah, Dsis really has saved the OP probably hundreds of thousands of pounds, given DM was still at home and Dsis had decamped there to look after her.

Think it's safe to say that the level of strain the sister has been under the past few years - holding down a job in a very competitive (male-dominated) area of media, divorcing, caring for a parent with dementia, no doubt dealing with a large part of the post-death and probate admin - significantly outweighs the OP's feeling "utterly shattered". I hope the sister has good friends who've invited her to stay at Christmas, or choses to go away somewhere luxurious. And doesn't accept a reluctant "come for Christmas day if you must, but you have to stay in a hotel, and book your own taxis because none of my DC adult children (you don't have children, you won't understand) can be expected to give up their room for 2/3 nights for their recently bereaved aunt."

OP, if you come back and read: it's entirely up to you who you invite for Christmas, but be honest about your (utterly self-absorbed) reasons and stop trying to obscure these reasons in twee sentimentality about "the last chance to spend Christmas with my family". Also be prepared for the end of the relationship with your sister if you refuse to invite her with grace.

OP might resurface in the early hours after a drink or two.

I do understand how much you hate hosting Christmas. I dread it from August onwards, every year. I’ve been sober many years and cooking for everyone and watching them get drunk isn’t my idea of a good time. I LOVED Covid times because I didn’t have to do it. But I do it because I can’t leave various relatives on their own. It’s never occurred to me to blame them for being on their own. It’s one day, I hate it and dread it, but there are plenty of other days to spend doing what I do enjoy doing.

ONE additional person OP, your SISTER, all alone. One additional plate, cracker, bowl, plate. Bloody hell!

92% of people think you’re mean.

And It sounds like you’re going to leave your sister alone anyway. The one year you could just suck it up. Your poor sister. But you do you.

Could she visit you the day before Christmas Eve and Christmas Eve instead or you five go to her for Boxing Day?

I think this is one of the saddest and anger inducing threads I’ve read on MN for while (I probably haven’t read many!) But there we are.

You are absolutely hyper fixating on this one day! Surely you can see that

Am I the only one who is hoping that the OPs kids all decide to spend it with their aunt?

I actually think its been a bit of an unfair pile-on.

The mistake she made was to be honest taht there was no good reason for it.

She didn't blame the Dsis or label her a "narc" or any of the other psychobabble hacks that would have had people coming out of their holes applauding her and suggesting she goes NC.

She hasn't hidden behind any of the tricks people use to "justify" being selfish; she's just admitted she feels like being selfish. I don't approve of that, but she's hardly alone - except in her straightforward acceptance of it, minus perhaps the ND comments which were a bit of a sideways wiggle.

Yes!! That would work, as the kids love their aunt. I wonder what they think?

Whatever her motives, however 'honest' she's been, it's still awful behaviour. Hence people saying so. It's not unfair to give an honest response to the OP's question. If you post in AIBU, you need to be prepared to be told that yes, actually, you are.

TBH, people have - in the main - been quite controlled / reserved, bearing in mind what AIBU can be like at times.