to not invite my sister for Christmas?

[NameChangedforThis3036]

Our mother died in late August of dementia. Our dad died about a decade ago. I have three kids of university age. My sister has no kids as she never really wanted them, and she married a horrible man who had an affair and then left her.

I feel completely and utterly shattered after my mum's illness and death. I long, long, long to have Christmas with just my husband and kids, and no one else. I am dead with exhaustion after this year. Sis did more care, as she had more time, but obvs the whole thing is/was awful for us both.

Would I be unreasonable not to invite my sister for Christmas? She'll be on her own otherwise or have to go to friends, as our parents are gone and she's getting divorced. I know it sounds awful but I'm just so strung out. And I love Christmas just us.

Help!

Personally could never do that to my sister. I think you will regret it if you leave her alone this year.

Thanks, @thepariscrimefiles. I’d originally meant had her sister ever hosted the OP, but then I saw that the OP wouldn’t go if she offered anyway….my sympathy towards the OP has def. waned.

OP's sister sounds like she may be quite a kind and loving person. OP has also confirmed that she is a much loved aunt to OP's DC. If her sister wants to maintain a relationship with the children she may decide that she has to keep the OP in her life, unfortunately.

Every time there's a post on here of someone saying "I must have another baby, my child needs a sibling!" I'll be thinking of OP. Really? Who needs a sibling like this?

Is OP's sister obnoxious? Is she selfish and uncaring? Does she scare the kids? Does she act outrageously and spoil every special day, or get blind drunk and insult the vicar and kick kittens? Nope, she's nice. The "kids" (who are adults or almost adults, not pre-teens!) love her. No history of being a total cow and looked after their ailing mother, spending many Christmases on the trot with elderly mother suffering from dementia, so actually thoughtful, considerate and kind.

And OP won't invite her, because she wants yet another Christmas just themselves. Words fail me (except they don't but I'm too polite). I really hope OP's sis has some good friends who will realise that she'll be alone over Christmas and invite her to join them.

YABVU. She’s one person. Invite her for Xmas and do NY on your own if you want. But you are so wrong to not invite her.

My mother also has three children. Her two sane ones are away. The third one is an alcoholic with mental health issues so may or may not spend Christmas with her. Don’t assume you won’t be alone just because you have three kids.

In any case you posted on AIBU. YABU. You have your answer

I’m so sorry about your sister. My sister died suddenly 30 years ago aged 27. I was 28. I still think about her and miss her all the time. Because of this I find it doubly hard to understand how anyone could have this cold attitude towards their sibling. Especially as she has admitted that they get along. No backstory of a horrible relationship or anything.

I had my mum every Christmas after my dad died. As her dementia progressed, I used to feel a bit resentful that it fell to me every year (my brother lives in another country.) She would get confused and tearful and didn’t want to go home. Yet she didn’t like staying over! When I did get her home I had to stay with her for a couple of hours until she felt more settled. It was a right royal pain in the arse. I would have liked to have a drink or two and not be worrying about picking my mum up and dropping her home. But I did it because I loved her and didn’t want her to be alone. Even though she didn’t even realise it was Christmas the last few years. You do those things for people you love. Even if it’s inconvenient. Have a bit of mutter to yourself by all means. But then you take a deep breath and remember that the world is made up of more than just you.

Do you genuinely think you are never going to be alone at Christmas??? Your child has a partner already! The kids will have their own families In due course. Your husband might die and you will be all alone. Sad thought eh OP?

You sound quite unpleasant actually. You’re wiped out with it all but she did the majority of care. She sounds better off without you.

Her kids are adults and she doesn't mention having a job. She didnt look after her mother either.

Im struggling to understand why she is wiped out with stress.

Well exactly- maybe they will heed OPs advice about spending Christmas with nuclear family even if it means leaving a loved one alone over Christmas.

My partner is ND. When my mum died i missed her so much. He invited me to spend it with his parents on boxing day so I could feel part of a family. He also got all his family to send me cards in the post and he gave them my address.

It has nothing to do with being ND, it's insulting to say ND people lack emotion.

Edit he spent Xmas day with me alone and invited me to the family party on boxing day.

Yes, I'm sure that will be coming.

I know a lady who is in her late 50’s. She has 3 children who are all grown up now. One of them lives abroad in a far flung place and doesn’t come home for Christmas often, one prefers to spend Christmas with their own young family and the other works all Christmas every year as they have no children and have a high flying job. Her and her husband spent Christmas together either at home or on holiday until he left her for another woman. She now gets invited to her sisters house with her family. The sister is married with one child who lives in the area and they spend Christmas together.

It can and does happen for all sorts of reasons.

OP I willingly spent Christmas Day by myself last year but a few years ago I was faced with a dilemma of where to spend Christmas Day when my usual plans fell through - long story but me and the siblings used to go to my Dad's but that year we couldn't.

I arranged to spend the day with my sister and was looking forward to it only for her to turn around and say our other sister (who had a husband and a kid, we were both single and childless) had invited her round and she'd forgotten. I asked if I could join them and was told no, there wouldn't be enough room for us all to have dinner.

If I'd had to sit perched with dinner on my lap I would've put up with it but no solution was offered, just 'sorry, no room'. And tbh although I never said anything I've never quite forgiven them for that.

How wonderful 💖

This can't be real

I could never sit and enjoy the day, knowing my sister was home alone.

Self-care and boundaries are not synonyms for selfishness OP.

These are some of the best words I have seen on MN for a while.

I think that as a society we are getting very selfish under cover of exactly these sorts of "acceptable" labels.

It is absolutely important that we are able to stand our ground where people are really taking advantage of us or abuse is involved etc, but there is a point where it shades into simply putting ourselves first all the time - and then patting ourselves on the back for it. Then we all wonder why the world seems to have so many lonely, isolated people.

And while I agree that the DD is technically old enough to decide where she goes for Christmas, I suspect what has really happened is less that she has allowed op to say she "can't" go elsewhere, and more that she has realised this year the op might need the support. Let's hope so.

But on that basis, I really think the op needs to wonder similarly about her Dsis: might this be a year in which her needs and feelings deserve some consideration?

Op you say you wonder what you have become, but you haven't "become" anything. We are all evolving every day. It's our choices that direct us.

I don't fully grasp why you don't want her with you for the day. She sounds low maintenance enough, your dc like her, you don't dislike each other. I can't really see what you are guarding against. By your own admission you have had some "blissful" Christmases - but I do have to say the amount of overthinking that seems to go into Christmas on MN threads is alarming to me. When did it move from a day of being with family (or surrogate family in some instances) to a day of having everything exactly as we want it?

What do you think is the right thing to do op? And why?

Probably HORRENDOUS for your poor sister as well.
Cannot believe how selfish you are being.And " not allowing" your eldest to see her partner.
Stupid me thinking Christmas is about peace and love.

You don’t like the expectations put on you at Christmas, yet have no issue with putting expectations on your children?

I have to say I can't help wondering if its a reverse as, overall, she makes the Dis' case better than hers.

But, assuming it isn't, I don't think, op you are horrible or any of these other things. There have been some very insulting posts on here. I don't think you'd have posted if you didn't care at all.

I just think you need to be honest with yourself about which choice is really going to make you feel worse in the long run - and everybody else.

Yes, she has friends and a community, but she left them for months at a time to help Mum

So your sister neglected her friendships and connections to do the bulk of the caring for your mum, presumably taking the burden from you? And you don't want to invite her for the first Christmas she'll be alone?

Where is your decency and compassion FFS?

The OP won’t see anything during that look at herself, she obviously has a one-way mirror.

Her poor sister, such a cruel way to act towards her. And the fact she has no children is TOTALLY IRRELEVANT.