to not invite my sister for Christmas?

[NameChangedforThis3036]

Our mother died in late August of dementia. Our dad died about a decade ago. I have three kids of university age. My sister has no kids as she never really wanted them, and she married a horrible man who had an affair and then left her.

I feel completely and utterly shattered after my mum's illness and death. I long, long, long to have Christmas with just my husband and kids, and no one else. I am dead with exhaustion after this year. Sis did more care, as she had more time, but obvs the whole thing is/was awful for us both.

Would I be unreasonable not to invite my sister for Christmas? She'll be on her own otherwise or have to go to friends, as our parents are gone and she's getting divorced. I know it sounds awful but I'm just so strung out. And I love Christmas just us.

Help!

This!! This thread has made me feel really angry. I have cancer, my living parents are alone 150 miles away. As soon as the next fucking chemo is done, I’m getting on a train to see them.

You can choose the other if you made a mistake!

Edited to add - Just for info for anyone who gets confused by the 2 neuro terms:

I'm autistic and have ADHD and dyscalculia (all diagnosed by NHS psychiatrists) - many of us use the term neurodivergent - which has a different meaning to neurodiverse.

Everyone is neurodiverse, some of us are neurodivergent

Anyway, back to the thread...

Not saying my teens are perfect but in this situation they would have something to say about aunt being left on her own. Aren’t you concerned they would judge you? I have an uncle who is on his own and a real introvert sometimes he chooses to come sometimes he doesn’t. The teens fret when he doesn’t as to whether he is ok.

I say this kindly...
You can't do this to her OP, it's that simple.
Next year do the heck what you want to do but not this year. You've had everyone already giving you good reasons as to why not and you simply and bluntly can't do this.
If you do need more reasons as to why not then I'd ask you to open up to your kids and tell them she is seperated and likely to be alone at Christmas and then ask them what they would like to do on the day regarding her being there or not. I guarantee they will be appalled if you said you didn't want her there. The day isn't yours alone to decide so ask them what they would want to do too?

Until they each decide they want Christmas with their own little family.

@keepincool And, to be fair, the OP is actually just plain old selfish, which requires no diagnosis.

It's quite difficult to understand why the presence of one extra close family member would throw the dynamic at Christmas out quite so dramatically. Sorry to say OP but you do sound very self-centred and insular here. I get that you would prefer to spend Christmas with just your husband and kids, but from everything you've written I don't get any sense that your sister would cause a scene, make things difficult, get in the way... will it really make that much difference?

I do think that if you tell her she can't come, you need to be prepared for her being very upset and hurt, and for your relationship to suffer as a result. If having Christmas with just the five of you feels worth that, then I guess that's what you'll so, but it's hard to imagine how it could do. If you would really find having her over on Christmas Day devastating, why not arrange a separate special family meal for the five of you on Christmas Eve, Boxing Day, the 27th... whenever really.

If she did the care for your mother and has no one else then i think it’s cruel to knowingly leave her on her own. I would scale down plans and let her know that the years taken its toll so planning a quiet christmas simple dinner or ask her to bring something towards it or if everyone can afford it consider going out to eat. For all you know she may not be up to celebrating at all so maybe have a conversation and find out what everyone’s expectations are.

I do think that if you tell her she can't come, you need to be prepared for her being very upset and hurt, and for your relationship to suffer as a result.

The sister will know exactly who she's dealing with by now, @Clementine183. After all, she's been through the illness and death of her mother with OP looking on and presumably acting as she is in this thread. I doubt OP could hurt her sister further, or at the very least it will come as no surprise.

The poor girl. You are curtailing her freedom to a very large extent. That is her choice as an adult. My mother 50 years ago let me go to a boyfriends for Christmas Day. Talk about controlling mother. I would have been furious if my mother had told me what to do once I got back from uni. Smacks of smothering.

I certainly have. I've since met the love of my life, we're getting married next year and we've just booked our hotel for Christmas seeing our families.

I'd never want anyone to feel like I did those years.

So agree with this

and you think you're "completely and utterly shattered"? From doing a few appointments? Wow.

You need to get your story straight. Either your kids are young and still need you which is why she apparently had more time to do so much more caring for your mother than you, or they're old enough for this to be your last chance at a 'nuclear family Christmas' (apart from the last FIVE YEARS you've done this).

Given the fact they are all uni age, sounds like the first isn't a go-er, which makes it even worse than you left her to do so much of the caring and still have the cheek to say how exhausted you are.

I would say you do you OP and just hope your sister is a nicer person than you and there for you in your time of need - but she's actually already done that by doing the lion's share of caring for your mother, and you can't even be bothered to put yourself out the tiniest bit in gratitude for that?

OP are you the type of colleague who thinks single people shouldn't get holidays off because they have no family? 🙄

Despite your loss it's difficult to be sympathetic about this at all because this is another selfish choices after a long line of selfish choices. And you try to hide it in therapy speak. Do you ever put anyone else first/consider their feelings? Your kids like their aunt and your only negative comment about her is that she is child free. Why is it so hard for you to see the bigger picture?

If she's not invited at least do her the kindness of letting her know asap so she can make other plans.

😁

This. I feel the OP is desperately grasping at straws to justify her (incompassionate) decision.

Personal responsibility? Bloody hell OP.

OP's poor sister had their mother with dementia at Christmas every year. There would have been some sad and difficult Christmases there for her while OP was being completely shielded from this aspect of their mother's illness.

OP should be saying thank you, pouring her sister champagne and putting a blow up bed in their office this year. The kids have grown up, it's time to accept this and focus on what is actually important.

I think you’re being very selfish and your sister will be incredibly hurt. One day your DC will be adults with their own families and may well not want you to be with them at Christmas. How will that make you feel?

Given that she doesn’t have kids, Dsis would have been well within her rights and ‘self-care’ to bugger off abroad and leave OP to care for ailing parents.

It sounds like she’s a journalist with plenty of opportunities

A voucher for Christmas in a very nice hotel might be more welcomed by the sister. (Paid for by the money that she will have saved the family in care fees which will be huge.)

I didn't want children either and live this distance from my sister. I went to my widowed mother for Christmas every year after my divorce. My sister might invite us for the evening.
When our mother was taken into care I travelled, paid for a hotel and spent the day with my mother in the care home while my sister spent the day with her family. One year I put it to my sister that I was considering going away to Amsterdam for Christmas, and asked her if she minded. She replied "You might as well. It's not as if you've got anywhere else to go".

My mother died in 2016. I've never had an invitation from my sister. That's one of the reasons we're in very low contact now. You might find your sister has less and less need of you as the years pass. Your children might leave home. You might be widowed. And your sister might feel there's no place in her life for you.

She’s not “just being honest”. She’s being deeply selfish and extremely short-sighted. In fact I doubt she’s even being honest. Her sister’s account of the last few years would I’m sure be heartbreaking.

This exactly!

@ilovesooty Tbh it might be best if they end up Iow contact as it doesn’t sound as if they’re particularly close now. I don’t suppose that her sister is especially fond of the OP, and the OP certainly isn’t fond of her.