to not invite my sister for Christmas?

[NameChangedforThis3036]

Our mother died in late August of dementia. Our dad died about a decade ago. I have three kids of university age. My sister has no kids as she never really wanted them, and she married a horrible man who had an affair and then left her.

I feel completely and utterly shattered after my mum's illness and death. I long, long, long to have Christmas with just my husband and kids, and no one else. I am dead with exhaustion after this year. Sis did more care, as she had more time, but obvs the whole thing is/was awful for us both.

Would I be unreasonable not to invite my sister for Christmas? She'll be on her own otherwise or have to go to friends, as our parents are gone and she's getting divorced. I know it sounds awful but I'm just so strung out. And I love Christmas just us.

Help!

But OP hasn't hosted for years. Her sister hosted their mum for five years allowing OP to have her 'nuclear family only' Christmas. I would call that stepping up massively. She doesn't host her PILs either. Your situations aren't remotely the same.

Fast forward a few decades @NameChangedforThis3036 and imagine you are a widow, you have dementia and your children have had to go through a few years of worrying and caring for you. Maybe one hasn’t had their own dc, and has done more of the caring for you than the others…. Then once you are gone… Can you imagine any of your children treating one of the others with such a lack of love and care? would that be ok?

However you behave now towards your sister, in front of your children, you are modelling what is acceptable for them. You are showing them how to treat a sibling. You seem very sure that with three children you would never be alone for Christmas. And hopefully your three children all care about you enough to make sure that that is true. But wouldn’t you want them all to care about each other as well? And to treat each other decently, with love? With respect? With care?

But how could she ‘go home’ if she was doing the bulk of the care and you weren’t prepared to step up more? I think what you mean is she sacrificed a lot lot more than you did to care your Mum. That was YOUR choice not hers

Bloody hell, how selfish are you?!
This is your sister. The sister who did the lions share of caring for YOUR mum.

Do your kids want to see her at Christmas? It’s literally one extra plate of food. Maybe your sister could just stay for a few hours? Perhaps she has plans of her own? It feels like you are punishing her for not having a family. She’s getting a divorce, who does she have for support?

If your sister doesn’t have plans for Christmas and she does end up alone, will you feel guilty, as you tuck into Christmas dinner? I would!

I think leaving your bereaved sister alone at Christmas is a bit much. Self-care isn't a justification for doing anything you like.

I have a brother who I don't particularly enjoy the company of, but I have him for Christmas every year so he isn't alone. Unless someone is actively abusive, I thing it's the decent thing to do.

I wasn't going to hijack the thread and make it about me. However I lost my mum
last month so do know how that feels. In fact that's why the OP appalls me. I've already invited my one single sibling to spend Christmas with us. No way would I leave them on their own. Unless they specifically wanted to of course. Even though they will probably get on my nerves at some stage!

And you sound bloody controlling OP!
Forbidding your adult DD from spending time at Christmas with her partner. She’s an ADULT!!

Be careful, those cosy “ nuclear family” Christmas’s could be limited.

Maybe your sister could just stay for a few hours?

You must have missed the bit about the sister living 100 miles away & not driving. Since trains don’t run on Christmas Day or Boxing Day, the shortest time she could be in the OP’s area is from Christmas Eve to the 27th.

That’s an awful lot of trouble to go to for a few hours with a grudging sibling.

Wow. Let’s hope your kids don’t do to you what you are doing to her

How would you feel if you lost your husband and your kids all said sorry we are doing Christmas on our own,you are not invited?

Could you really enjoy Christmas knowing you have left your sister in her own! You are family, although you sound very harsh about your sisters choices. Perhaps she actually didn’t want children because she knew her ex would not be a good father and then didn’t meet anyone else

She did more of the work looking after your parents and you are telling her she’s not worthy of one day with what’s left of her family

OP, I wonder is this about grief and your sense of shame re the sacrifices your sister has made for your mother versus what you have done. To not be able to have her for Christmas Day this year will impact your relationship with her for many years to come so think carefully about that. A boundaried response might be: please come by xx time and organise your own taxi anytime after xxx. Please stop using neurodivergence as some kind of veil for selfishness.

You say you wonder what you've become?

I can answer that for you...a cold, heartless bitch.

Ah, missed that. Apologies.
Well is OPs sister is not wanted, I hope she goes somewhere where can relax a little.

So why are you lamenting 'It's just that I've had very few Xmases being just us'?

You had all those years 'just us'.

I actually think you shouldn't have your sister for Xmas. She needs to realise what sort of person you are and cut you out of her life.

You have no shame, you are not neurodivergent you are unfeeling and selfish, shame on you for bringing people who are into this.

You had it easy, your sister did all the caring and you got out if it. You are controlling as well. I will not let my daughter go to her boyfriends, she knows she is expected here.

It's all about you OP, you disgust me. You would see your lovely grieving sister home alone knowing she done all the caring you could not do, as it was traumatic.

I really hope this is not true, as you come across as a despicable human being. Me, me, me. I hope this lovely sister see's through you.

You did very little, but if there is a will and your Mother had a estate, I bet you will be the first holding your hands out.

Would being neurodivergent permit her to dump her mother on her sister for years and ban her sister from christmas straight after her mother's death?

It's insulting to suggest anyone who is neurodivergent would do that.

Also, neurodiversity, isn't a diagnosis. It's normally what people say when they want to self diagnose with autism.

I had some sympathy until l realised it wouldn't be the first time it was just the 4 of you, it would be 4-5 years into it

How about a compromise this year of going out for Christmas lunch l? That way the donkey work isn't on you and your sister isn't on her own. Oh and she can deal with her own transport. I don't see why she can't drive to your house and then between there / the hotel. Failing that l would offer a lift back late afternoon before having a drink, she can either get the lift, walk or get a cab / uber back to the hotel. As a guest l am always self sufficient and don't see why she can't be

Going forward strategically l wouldn't let it slip into a thing you always host. Personally I am declining point blank this year

Oh and it's not your place to forbid your daughter from spending Christmas with her partner. That would be her choice

Sorry for your loss

How about a compromise this year of going out for Christmas lunch l?

You must have missed the bit about the sister living 100 miles away. Since she’s dependent on public transport & trains don’t run on Christmas Day or Boxing Day, the shortest time she could be in the OP’s area is from Christmas Eve to the 27th.

That’s an awful lot of trouble to go to for lunch with a grudging sibling.

Self-care and boundaries are not synonyms for selfishness OP. Your sister has looked after your mum for several years, allowing you to do the bare minimum, prioritise your husband and kids, and to have five years of "just you" for Christmas. You would be extraordinarily selfish to leave her alone this Christmas, when your mum's death is likely to have had a much bigger impact on her than you, given her much closer involvement, and her impending divorce.

And please don't use possible ND as an excuse, my DD is autistic and she'd be the first to worry about someone being alone at Christmas. Autistic women and girls are often too empathetic, rather than unempathetic.

Invite your sister.

Absolutely this. My husband's sister has a similar attitude, she prioritised her husband and kids both times when her mother and father were declining and eventually dying, leaving the bulk of caring and organising to my husband (unusual for it to fall to the son, I know), even though she lived much closer to them than we did.

We forgave her the first time as her kids were younger, but second time round they were all adults and we were in a really difficult situation at the time with our own and could ill afford the additional commitments, and yet she still failed to step up at all. As a result my husband has little time for her now and will likely not see her for years at a time, which is a shame.

Some people are just selfish.

@NameChangedforThis3036 i know you said your sister chose to be childfree which is fair enough but she obviously does want company as she married which unfortunately ended in divorce leaving her alone. So she did want a family unit and after everything she has been through she probably was on some level looking forward to being with her remaining family. Even religious people feel the absence of other humans OP.

Bottom line is your sister chose to be childfree - not wholly family free. That’s a choice you are making for her.

I am the sibling with no children, because life hasn't worked that way for me. I am also the sibling that spent two Christmases alone during COVID for various reasons. Being single, family having bubbles elsewhere, some living overseas etc and the fact I was a 'key worker' and had to work.

I wrapped my own presents to open and put them under the tree. Bought a Christmas dinner for one, and bought my cats special Christmas cat food....and I'm genuinely crying now at the memory of it. I have never felt more alone or sadder in my life, and remember this was because my family couldn't see me. Not that they wouldn't.

I felt a failure on those days.

I think after all your sister has done for your Mum, taken the brunt of the caring. Maybe you can put aside your wishes for one day and not let your sister feel like I did then.

I'm so sorry, @Elclr, that's heartbreaking.

Isn't it strange how your brain can tell you you're a "failure" in a situation like that when actually you were one of the people keeping vital services going? I hope you have had much happier times since and will again this year.

You sound like an utter arsehole OP.

Reading this thread has made me so, SO grateful that I have such a lovely family. There isn't a single person in mine or DHs family who would allow someone to spend Christmas alone purely because they only wanted their "nuclear" family there. In fact everyone goes out of their way to make sure nobody is on their own (unless they want to be of course!) no matter how inconvenient it is to host them / drive them home / have them stay over.

Especially a sibling who has done absolutely nothing wrong and spent the last few years caring for your dying parent and now essentially has nobody.

You bang on about how much you hate hosting OP but you are "hosting" for 5 already.

So unbelievably fucking selfish.

Self care my arse.

I mistakenly chose you are not! It seems you've already made up your mind not to invite her but then want a bunch of strangers to tell you it's OK.

It's not but no one can force you so do what you like