to not invite my sister for Christmas?

[NameChangedforThis3036]

Our mother died in late August of dementia. Our dad died about a decade ago. I have three kids of university age. My sister has no kids as she never really wanted them, and she married a horrible man who had an affair and then left her.

I feel completely and utterly shattered after my mum's illness and death. I long, long, long to have Christmas with just my husband and kids, and no one else. I am dead with exhaustion after this year. Sis did more care, as she had more time, but obvs the whole thing is/was awful for us both.

Would I be unreasonable not to invite my sister for Christmas? She'll be on her own otherwise or have to go to friends, as our parents are gone and she's getting divorced. I know it sounds awful but I'm just so strung out. And I love Christmas just us.

Help!

OP, you are getting a hard time and it does read as harsh of you.

However, as a much older woman I think this is not about this Christmas, but all the past holidays where you hosted and didn't want to.

Santa comes for few enough years and I have many friends who were hugely imposed upon by family and deeply resented it.

They wanted desperately to have Christmas day on their clock, at home, not a huge palaver when their children were small, catering for and running around after various relatives, some of whom they didn't care much for.
Or having to pack up and travel for hours to stay in different beds and all that involves with small children.

Then the Santa years are gone and suddenly their is a grief for them.

Thankfully I never had this but I definitely have heard the dread of friends hosting, having to travel, get dressed up to go somewhere, when they would rather be at home.

My husband never had a Christmas in his home, the family travelled for a huge gathering in his sisters.
He hated it. Too busy, too noisy, too much.
The first Christmas of our marriage at home together was his best Christmas.

When some people give too much, resentment grows.
It can be absolutely exhausting always ensuring other people have a nice day.

Sadly women are often the ones who get caught for this, and then their own children grow up and they feel absolutely robbed of their time.

I don't know what the answer is, but I do understand.

I usually try and reserve judgement but I’m sorry, you sound awful. You’ve spent the last five Christmases with ‘just your family’ while your sister spent it alone caring for your mum and now you want her to spend her first Christmas as an orphan alone?

Leaving aside your obvious disdain for her life choices around children it’s just a shitty thing to do. I have been your sister in this situation and I’m here to tell you it fucking sucks. But you enjoy your season of goodwill to all and celebrating togetherness. Self care my arse!

I wonder how much "fun" the 4-5 Christmases your sister had where she was hosting your dementia-stricken mum alone. I wonder how much she wished that you would find a way to host/takeover for a year so she could actually enjoy Christmas, but didn't so you could spend that time with your kids? Sounds like you've had your way since 2020, unlike your poor sister! Maybe, just maybe, this is the year to support her however she needs it to show how much you appreciate the burden she carried to reduce your own load?

I also dont understand the obsession with christmas, especially from atheists.

No idea if she is an atheist but she hasnt mentioned faith.

You do know it's just a day right. Its a day where people spend money on pointless presents and food for no reason at all other than it's christmas. There's an obsession for it to be perfect and to demand what you want im not sure why.

As a Christian I attend church services and volunteer. I like giving back to the community and being with the congregation and volunteering.

But for the OP it's just a toddler throwing her toys out of the pram. There were 6 other people (her mother, sister, 3 kids and husband) and the only person who matters is her.

Do you think the kids will care if you’re en famille or not? I doubt it. Don’t be selfish. Your sister might not even want to come! . Remember the spirit of Christmas!

So you've had five blissful Christmases while your sister has spent her Christmases with a woman who was collapsing, yelling, convulsing, all sorts so barely a Christmas at all. Do you picture them sitting around the table pulling crackers and laughing together, or is it more the reality that it was just another day to your sister?

If hosting Christmas when you don't want to is hard, @Facecloth, then caring for a parent with dementia is on another level. That is a responsibility that also often falls on women. Much harder to refuse.

The first Christmas after a loss is always incredibly hard. I think this perfect family Christmas you are imagining probably won’t be the case at all. Have you thought that you might actually be very glad for your sister’s presence on the day, as she is the only one who can relate to your loss in the same way?

Did you leave the care of your mum with dementia completely up to your childless sister who hosted your mum for Christmas for five years, allowing you to have your precious 'nuclear family only' Christmases? Even this awful OP has said that her sister is a nice person.

OP will get exactly what she wants as she is completely selfish and probably won't invite her sister. I actually think that her sister would have a better Christmas on her own than with OP.

'She married a horrible man who had an affair and then left her.'
'She chose not to have kids'
'Yes, she has friends and a community, but she left them for months at a time to help Mum.'
'Then 2021, 2022, 2023, and 2024 she spent it alone with Mum.'

Your 'burden' of hosting Christmas when your kids were little doesn't really seem like that big a deal compared to the life your sister has led for the last few years. Your accusatory tone when describing her husband's affair and the fact that she sacrificed her social support to care for your mum show that you either really do blame her for everything or you're clutching at straws to justify your selfishness.

I suspect you don't want her there because her presence will remind you how much more she did for your mum than you did.

I should have said I agree it is not the same for the reasons you say but I understand after such an emotional year how the OP might feel that she wants to batten down the hatches. So from that point of view I understand what she is feeling.

I don’t think she can exclude her sister in her situation without long term consequences to her relationship with her sister given her sister’s input to her mother’s care.

We were at the point of having the extremely damaged relationship before Xmas came up for many reasons so that is not the same for us.

I still empathise with the OP and her sister for losing a parent, it is a very difficult time.

I’m single & childfree (both by choice) & was meant to spend the first Christmas after my mum died with family, but went down with a fluey bug on the 23rd & didn’t feel up to crossing the country the next day.

As a PP said, Christmas alone with the cat was actually lovely / or as lovely as it could be with a cough & sore throat. I did an emergency Whoosh order for soup & ice cream, which was more or less all I wanted, spent a lazy couple of days in bed / on the sofa with a pile of books, cooked myself a late Christmas lunch once I felt better & met up with the family for new year instead.

I didn’t go through anything nearly as terrible as the sister did, but if I was her I absolutely wouldn’t want to spend this Christmas with a grudging sibling. Or travel all that way to spend most of the time in a hotel / be stuck on a sofa or camp bed.

Form what it's worth OP I'm not one of those "but it's Christmas! It's famileeeeeee!!!!!" types.

I think where people are struggling is that you've not said anything that makes your sister sound difficult. Rightly or wrongly I think people would have more sympathy if you said your sister made you anxious or uncomfortable and you don't like being around her.

Instead you seem to have this very rigid vision for what you want your Christmas to be. You even claim that you "wouldn't allow" your adult DC to spend Christmas elsewhere. I think that this is what makes you seem selfish and uncaring about the feelings of the other people involved even if you don't have bad intentions.

You'd be surprised. I am one of three, we're all married. We all alternate Christmases with our parents and respective in laws, and we rotate so that we all have the same Xmas together with our parents. Because that's fair and nobody gets excluded. You might be in for a rude awakening when your DC settle down and realise how mean you can be when they don't all come home for Xmas every year.

I feel very sorry for your poor sister. I'd invite her to my house if I could. You sound absolutely heartless and quite possessive of your DH and kids. Have you asked them what THEY want, or is it all about you?

So your sister spent Christmas with your mum, just the two of them for the five years until now, including through the dark days of the pandemic.

Now your mum has gone and you don't want to invite your sister to spend Christmas with you? Her first Christmas without her mum?

Do you actually know the meaning of Christmas?

You have clearly made up your mind but, if you were my friend, I don't think I could bear continuing a friendship with someone so heartless.

And don't be surprised if your kids turn on you when they find out your plan. They can often be much more empathetic than we give them credit for.

OP, I have been in a similar situation.
Hosted every year when I would’ve just loved to been at home with my husband and children.
Unfortunately, other family members never stepped up so that meant we had a lot of caring responsibilities, but also had to make sure that people weren’t on their own over Christmas, so fell on us.
We have had two Christmases, just us.
I honestly do get it.
My sibling is now on their own.
They are very much loved and there is no way I would let them be on their own.
Yes, it means I feel obligated to clean the house top to bottom, which is exhausting as I also work FT and have a lot of other responsibilities.
But ultimately, they had such a lot to our lives that any minor inconvenience just falls by the wayside.

Jesus Christ I genuinely hope this is fake. The more you reply the more aparrent it is that you are a truly awful person. I could go point by point on why you are but it's stacking up very fast and it's really depressing.

Utter prick.

“Let her”? WTF, she’s just finished uni and therefore an adult. She can do what she likes for Christmas.

Because people do make these arrangements early. We had an invitation for Christmas a couple of weeks ago.

In any case, it’s a fact that once we’re into September, time whizzes by at twice the rate it does at any other time of year. 😉

I completed agree with you.
Her sister has been extremely selfless in her care for her mother.

But the OP is just being honest.
She doesn't want to host anyone this Christmas.

I think her sister would be better off doing her own thing rather than being with her sister under suffererance.

Agree! Op has had a few years of spending Christmas as a nuclear family. She has one sister who is otherwise going to be alone at Christmas. Can’t get my head round it! So sad.

Please, please do not invite her for Christmas. You are a narcissist, and she knows it. You left her to care for your mother with dementia all these years and then vanished from their lives over the past Christmases. She may forgive because she believes she has a bond with you as her sister. But she needs to see clearly who you truly are and understand that if she goes to your house at Christmas, her presence will be inconvenient for you. She needs to grasp this with all the clarity and coldness possible so that, after the shock, she can recover some dignity in her life. Honestly, I pity you for having three children. She has her whole life ahead of her to reinvent herself, enjoy life, and be happy. You will probably end up just a suburban, boring, and controlling mother, mother-in-law, and grandmother.
I had a similar experience two years ago, but with my “best” friend (a friendship of over 20 years; I am godmother to her daughter), who chose to be cruel to me under the guise of boundaries and self-care — a relationship full of red flags that I had ignored in the name of long-term friendship. The best thing she ever did was to be brutally herself when I was miserable, allowing me to see her true colours and free myself forever from a selfish, nasty person. It lifted an enormous weight from my shoulders, no longer having to sustain a friendship full of abuse.
And finally, I feel I’m not really writing for the OP — she clearly doesn’t care — but rather in the hope it might help others, just as many of the answers here have helped me work through my own resentments.

I posted earlier being very sympathetic because I couldn't bear the thought of Christmas at all after my mum died. I could understand hunkering down for a while.

But my god, what a dripfeed.

You initially claimed never to have had a family Christmas, but have actually had the last 5.
You left your sister with the bulk of the care and burden of a mum with dementia for years.
You 'forbid' your adult daughter from being with her boyfriend and say you certainly won't allow him to spend Christmas at your house next year.
You are willfully excluding the one family member who has shouldered the emotional, physical and mental burden at the cost of her friends and new relationship, leaving you free to concentrate on yourself and your children.

If your children are learning from your example, a solitary Christmas in your future is a certainty, not a remote chance. Any future daughters or sons in law will go nowhere near your misanthropic, selfish house.

She did most of the care and you’d leave her on her own?

Yes I’m wondering how the OP is going to feel in a few years time. Say her DH has passed and all her children are taking her example of spending Christmas in their own nuclear families and she is on her own. Wonder if she will invite her sister round them?