to not invite my sister for Christmas?

[NameChangedforThis3036]

Our mother died in late August of dementia. Our dad died about a decade ago. I have three kids of university age. My sister has no kids as she never really wanted them, and she married a horrible man who had an affair and then left her.

I feel completely and utterly shattered after my mum's illness and death. I long, long, long to have Christmas with just my husband and kids, and no one else. I am dead with exhaustion after this year. Sis did more care, as she had more time, but obvs the whole thing is/was awful for us both.

Would I be unreasonable not to invite my sister for Christmas? She'll be on her own otherwise or have to go to friends, as our parents are gone and she's getting divorced. I know it sounds awful but I'm just so strung out. And I love Christmas just us.

Help!

I’m not going to offer an opinion as to whether you are terrible / justified in what you want to do for Christmas.
But please talk to your sister & don’t let this be a thing where she’s expecting an invite & there isn’t going to be one. I don’t think you should invite her if there’s a risk your feelings will be on show about it. She’s going through too much to have to put up with feeling unwelcome after spending £100s on train fares, hotel & gifts. There’s still time for her to find something lovely to do.

I would try & phrase it as kindly as possible & make it about you, not her. Instead of ‘I don’t want extras around f*cking up my Christmas’ I’d say ‘I’m feeling really anxious and overwhelmed about Christmas Day & am keeping that day just for DH & the kids but I’d really love if we could plan something special for week before, to do as sisters’ maybe see a show & have a meal, a spa, whatever you both might like doing. But you should do it. Kindly your sister has picked up 98% of the slack caring for your mum, her marriage is over, I’m not suggesting you are indebted to her but you should try to empathise & be grateful that her sacrifices absolved you from dealing with some real horrors. End of life care is abysmal. Driving up the motorway a handful of times while it sounds scary & stressful & upsetting, it doesn’t even touch the surface of what she’s dealt with. That’s not an attack on you but I hope you understand this deep down.

realistically your sister does know you. She has known you for what, around 45 years? She sees these nuances in your personality & half expects this I’d imagine. You haven’t got form for strong support or putting others first, I mean this kindly, it’s not an attack. Yes she may be upset but again she’s had 40+ years of knowing you & no doubt she loves you regardless. But to summarise I strongly suggest, speak to her early, suggest something else you can do with her, get in touch on Christmas Day, don’t let this blow up into something painful while you still have adequate time to manage it well.

FWIW OP @NameChangedforThis3036 , the first Christmas after my dad died, my mum (divorced from my dad for 15 years at this point) invited my step-mum for Christmas Day as she didn't want her to be alone. They'd never even spoken / met but my mum knew how tough it would be for her.

As for "self care" that is when you're trying to protect yourself from things / people who have a negative impact or are not good to be around. Your sister sounds lovely and you sound like a nasty piece of work.

Plus one for this, I'm as ND as it comes and still spend all my time running around after other people's needs.

If you want to be an asshat, own it but don't blame it on us tribe.

Her marriage may well be over because she prioritised "original" family too.

Point to consider

You were able to have the last few Christmases with your family because of your sister She probably wanted to have a break from the responsibility of it too but hey ho , childless, what else was she going to do.

Youre all heart.

This thread is honestly very upsetting OP. I think your mindset here is incredibly selfish and cruel.

imagine in years time that your own children are in this situation? How would you like to think of one of your children being excluded and sitting alone on Christmas Day, effectively penalised for not having their own children? Surely you would think that as siblings they will always care for each other?

yes it is her decision to not have kids, a decision you say you support but then seem to berate. But I imagine she thought she had other family. Not only your parents, where it sounds like she has shouldered most of the burden, but her sister and her nieces and nephews. For you to take that away from her at the same time she has lost her mother is cruel.

Christmas is supposed to be about family, and yes sometimes that means some juggling and rushing around, but ultimately it should be about spending time with ALL that you care about, particularly in the wake of a loss of a parent. I assume you do care about your sister?

I also think it’s incredible that you would “ban” your child from spending Christmas with their partner. That is not your decision, they are an adult and capable of deciding where they want to spend Christmas. Perhaps they may prefer to spend Christmas with a family who care about each other and invite everyone to share the love?

You sound incredibly selfish from this post OP, I hope you do invite your sister, but from the way you speak of her I’m not sure you will or if she should even say yes.

God your selfish and that’s being polite

Why do you desperately need it to just be the 5 of you so much? How will a loving sister/auntie being there spoil things for you?

I know you said it might be the last year all the kids are there, but they’ll still all be there whether your sister comes or not. I genuinely don’t understand the desperate need to exclude her.

I think she needs you this year and you should consider that.

I’m probably the only person here who gets what you are saying having gone through a very similar year.

Thankfully the family member booked herself into some Christmas event abroad and mentioned it before the topic even came up.

We would not have been able to have her anyway as her behaviour towards my DH is absolutely appalling so we have put in very rigid boundaries with her. She wasn’t particularly involved in the care aspect herself because she lives away but that presented its own difficulties because she had very unrealistic expectations about everything.

I hear you @NameChangedforThis3036 about the exhaustion of it all. It is so hard a time. Hopefully your Christmas will go off smoothly and you will get to do big chunks of what works for you.

I feel sorry for the op's kids, it all sounds so very intense this 'only us' mindset.

We can only imagine what kind of a future mil the op will be at Christmas.

I have been with my partner 18 years. Out of those 18 years (1st ones) only 2 spent with just the two of us. When he lost his mum, we went to his dads all day and evening so he didn't spend Xmas alone, and occasionally he would come to us though he preferred to be at his own home. He was grumpy, bless, didn't really like Christmas but he did like the games of crib in the eve. In all honesty, I found Xmas a chore and while not hating it, it was a chore. We lost him this year and to be honest, as much as I know it will be easier not to do all the cooking and I plan to chill big time, I'd give anything to have him here still for at least one more Christmas. It's going to be hard without him. Please don't leave your sis out of arrangements.

It's not the same at all. The OP has said her sister did most of the care and they all get on.

I’m not really sure how having your sister, one person, that your children love, counts as ‘hosting’. It’s just one extra person. She sounds like the kind of person who will fit in with what’s going on and not be difficult. Or do you have everything controlled and planned to the nth degree and her presence will mess with that? You are setting a terrible example to your children if you exclude her this of all years. I know it’s a cliche but it is meant to be the season of giving. How could you even enjoy the day knowing that she is on her own, or with people who aren’t her family? Her choosing not to have children is not a reason not to have her - you’re really grasping at straws there!

Take it from someone who lost a parent to early onset Alzheimer’s, going to appointments and being worried doesn’t come close to what your sister must have gone through. I don’t understand why you are so worried about Christmas pressure, if you host surely you choose? 5 course meal? Don’t do it! Decorating the entire house? Not this year! Can’t taking it easy be your self care?

you have forgotten the meaning of christmas op, it is not actually about being able to have alcohol
i suggest you may well be persuaded to change your mind by this thread

OP I AM neurodiverse (diagnosed), I hate Christmas and have never hosted it in my life and also have pretty low empathy.

I think you’re horrifically, shockingly selfish and nasty. The time to put your foot down and not host Christmas was 20 years ago, it’s no one else’s fault that you were a martyr and had years of Christmases you didn’t want. But even if that had been the case and you’d never hosted, this is the year any decent person would make an exception and have your sister over.

Why such barbed comments about her not having kids? Do you understand the notions of family and community extend beyond one’s children? I can only hope your kids follow in your footsteps and decide they never want to spend Christmas with you again. If I was one of them and I knew you were thinking this, I’d be horrified to have such nasty mother.

i have been invited to family for christmas eve, i wont be able to drink due to driving and in fact i might have to taxi the family around with more than one journey. <<car too small>>
i will have to forego my own glass of wine, so what?

My bet is she won't be invited because that's the system they have grown up with.

I am also thinking of how grim the sister's previous Xmas's must have been - alone with an elderly mother suffering from dementia.
Anyway this sounds like my family- and we are no longer in contact. My uncle is also very keen on 'personal choice' although with him it also sounds a bit like punishing people for life events they couldn't help.

This is the first time I would welcome the press picking up a MN thread. If your children or sister recognised you it would give them a chance to make alternative arrangements for Christmas, and all the Christmases following.

What a bizarre statement! If your children do what you wanted to do and have Christmas with their partners and children only (which is what you have modelled for them to be the “ideal”) then you and husband would be having Christmas on your own, and if he dies first then it will be just you. I can’t understand how you don’t see the irony of this 🤷‍♀️
let’s just hope your children grow up to be kinder than you are.

Christ you really sound worse and worse every time you post. Have you any moral compass at all. ?

But OP has had Christmas with her nuclear family for the previous five years while her sister hosted her mum with dementia. Her sister also did all the hands-on caring for their mum, moving in with her to deliver this care.

OP has shown no care or gratitude for what her sister has done for their mum and is happy to leave her on her own this Christmas.

I think that OP has spent most of her life 'looking after herself' while her sister took on the huge and difficult task of providing hands-on care to a mum with dementia. If anyone needs to 'look after themselves', it's her sister. I think her sister would feel better if she didn't attend Christmas with her toxic and selfish sister.

If your sister split with her ex years ago, why do your children still not know about it? That's weird, and I suspect the withholding of the news has come more from you than their aunt, who you say that they love dearly.

this. and so beautifully put.