to not invite my sister for Christmas?

[NameChangedforThis3036]

Our mother died in late August of dementia. Our dad died about a decade ago. I have three kids of university age. My sister has no kids as she never really wanted them, and she married a horrible man who had an affair and then left her.

I feel completely and utterly shattered after my mum's illness and death. I long, long, long to have Christmas with just my husband and kids, and no one else. I am dead with exhaustion after this year. Sis did more care, as she had more time, but obvs the whole thing is/was awful for us both.

Would I be unreasonable not to invite my sister for Christmas? She'll be on her own otherwise or have to go to friends, as our parents are gone and she's getting divorced. I know it sounds awful but I'm just so strung out. And I love Christmas just us.

Help!

OP you keep saying how much you 'desperately' want this as a Christmas for just you and your family. It seems clear that this intensity of emotion and desire is overriding everything else for you. I would question a bit why you want this so much though. I get the impression that you have built a fantasy nuclear family Christmas in your mind. But will it feel as good as the fantasy to do this when you know you are leaving your sister out... and crucially when your DH and kids also know you are leaving her out? You feel guilt now so there's clearly some internal conflict going on. I wonder whether that guilt is going to get in the way of enjoying the type of Christmas that you want, even if, on paper, you get it.

Anyway, I'm another one here who isn't going to legitimise your decision for you. I think a lot of people would struggle to exclude their sister in the circumstances you describe (even if you and your family didn't like her much, which you say you do!). Unless there are extenuating circumstances around someone who doesn't respect you and acts like a dick, I do believe we have a duty as siblings and as humans to show generosity in a situation like this.

I would also point out that if you've allowed yourself to be bullied into extended family Christmases you don't want in the past, that is ultimately on you. For example you mention pressure to have your in-laws but also say that they have lots of other family support around so that it won't fall on you to care for them if they end up with dementia too - clearly then they have other options. I wonder whether you have a difficulty with saying 'no' to people in general, and the thing about this particular Christmas is that your grief has made saying 'no' feel both more urgent and more socially acceptable for you.

Ultimately it is your choice though and who cares really what a bunch of randomers on the internet say? Your life, your Christmas, your sister. One thing I would say is that if you do decide to invite her, you have to do so in the spirit of truly being up for embracing her presence and including her. Just as guilt might taint the nuclear family Christmas you dream of, bitterness could taint your sister's invite and your whole family's Christmas if you let it. Sadists and massacists aside, no one likes to be invited somewhere when it is then made clear that they are not really wanted with an open heart.

Or if their partners just like a "nuclear" Christmas without relatives as hangers-on?

Sounds like you did worrying at a distance while your sister did all the hard work, the feeding, washing, wiping of backsides, and yet you say you’re the exhausted one! What a vile excuse for a human being you are. I do hope your sister has the true measure of you b

i think if you are that bothered about drinking on christmas day you should put your sister up in your office.
i am glad this thread has caused you to look at yourself.

christmas fills most of us with all sorts of feelings about family and duty.

You sound really selfish. Sorry, but you do. Your sister did most of the care, and you begrudge her one Christmas with you because you want a Christmas on your own? I think she's better off not being with you anyway, because she'll most likely be able to sense that you don't want her there anyway. Poor woman.

Well, yes, buy her own admission. Her sister spent christmas with just their mother five times in a row presumably so she could have her own nuclear family.

If her children have their own children.She'll probably be excluded. Especially given the new trend that new parents seem to ban visitors for the first 3 months.

It's just so artificial. She's desperate for this alone.Christmas with only her family, but nobody else wants it. Her own daughter doesn't even want to be there.She wants to be with her boyfriend and she's not allowed.

I love this! Made me cry! With all the nastiness going on in the world and the encroaching nastiness on this forum it is wonderful to read something so lovely and to know that there are people like you in the world. Thank you.

You really don't want her there, so don't invite her. For her sake incidentally, not yours, because she'd no doubt pick up on your resentment.

It's one day, out of 365, and I think your lack of kindness is quite breathtaking in it's meanness 😖 My kids would be horrified if I did something like this. The future is unwritten, and you never know the day when you might find yourself in the same predicament, desperate for one of your kids to invite you for Christmas.

Your eldest has just finished uni so what, 22? And you ‘won’t let her’ spend Christmas away from home? Exactly how do you expect to manage that when she’s an adult and can do as she pleases?

That's mean. Christmas spirit?

And do not pull the "I might be neurodivergent" card! I'm neurodivergent, but I'm not a knob.

Sorry OP, as many others have said, I do think you need to have you sister over. I do get how you feel, when my my mum died all I wanted was to have time with my immediate family and I'd never been close with my dad but the idea of him spending Christmas alone was unthinkable. It was a different Christmas and TBH I am not sure how much he enjoyed it (kids very young and energetic) but it was the right thing to do to invite him.

This must be one of the most insensitive and heartless posts I’ve ever read on MN.
I can’t understand why you have posted because you just don’t want to see why people are appalled and instead you are doubling down on pretty pathetic whining excuses.
Hope you are never in this position yourself, but I suspect you will be one day as you can’t be a person your family will put up with forever.
Take a good look at yourself, be honourable, be kind and do the right thing.

I think this year is prob the kindest one you can invite your sister tbh, losing a parent so recently and at traditionally family time I would invite her. Sometimes we have to put others first. She may even say no anyway and would rather be alone and reflect.

If you were to ask your children whether they think you should invite their auntie to stay for Christmas or leave her on her own, what would they say? If they say it's mean to leave her on her own, would you be willing to have her stay with you (even if in the office on a blow up mattress) if your adult children were to help with the hostessing, cooking etc.?

If all three say no, leave her on her own, then you have brought your children up to be selfish too.

I wouldn't want to be at your Christmas, with this attitude, a book in front of the fireplace with some music is much preferable to feeling like you're somewhere where you're not wanted

SHE IS AN ADULT WHO CAN DO AS SHE PLEASES

Although presumably still living at home and OP is of the ‘under my roof you do as I say brigade’

Agreed, what a downer of a thread. I wish I hadn't read it now.

I thought exactly the same. And I hope no-one starts the "don't be a doormat" shaming, because I think too many people have missed the point that so many of our society's MH issues stem from the fact that we have been led to believe it is somehow healthy to clip away at our lives until anything faintly awkward or demanding has been pruned off it and we are left with a leafless, fruitless, flowerless stump.

@NameChangedforThis3036the year my my mum died, neither of my brothers invited me over for Christmas (we were co-carers) and you know what? I did not care. I’d have rather shit on my hands and clap than ask for an invitation

If you do feel guilty and since you say your relationship with your sister is good, explain how you’re feeling. I suspect your sister is as exhausted as you are and would welcome the joy of having a Christmas Day that’s all about her - alone in her own home

Having been mostly single until my marriage seven years ago, I often had to lie about what I was doing on Christmas Day just to have the day to myself. It’s curious that the same people who were concerned about my solo Christmases never ever invited me to Sunday lunch!

TLDR: your sister will be fine 💐

Have your sister and make her feel welcome because I think you will make yourself feel very sad if you don’t. You may not realise it now but I believe the guilt of leaving her alone on Christmas Day will eat away at you.

I'm ND, don't really do Christmas, am looking after relatives as other people have more inflexible lives and kids. But even I'm staggered by this thread.

Have you actually asked her plans?

It does sound like you think she's feckless for not having DC and have that superiority thing that some women have about having had DC. Trust me, we do know the outcomes and results. It's very much swings and roundabouts. She may have wanted them and you're being very unkind to make assumptions.

It's all a bit me, me, me....either own your boundaries or suggest alternatives. But if I was your DS, I'd be giving you a very wide swerve...who wants to be an unwanted guest (been there, have tee shirt) at someone else's house for what is just another day of the year really, unless you're religious. She sounds well sorted and like she's got a properly interesting life that she's put mostly on hold to let you shirk your family responsibilities.

I'm sorry but on an otherwise depressing thread the phrasing of this made me laugh!

But I totally agree with you: ND and knobbishness are not somehow compulsory bedfellows.

Your sister needs you this year, more than ever. 2021-2024 you had as christmases alone, with just your family ( your sister had your mum).
I think you know what is the right thing to do here .. if you are happy to just say sod it , I do t care about my sister. Then fine do that , but it’s not what most people would do and yes you should feel guilty. Your choice

And if it's not? You get your way and then next Sept you're really sure this one will be the last one. And then after that?
My ILs did this, oh this will probably be the last time we can travel, for 10 years. Bloody annoying but, y'know, family. It does matter.