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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to not invite my sister for Christmas?

831 replies

NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 02:04

Our mother died in late August of dementia. Our dad died about a decade ago. I have three kids of university age. My sister has no kids as she never really wanted them, and she married a horrible man who had an affair and then left her.

I feel completely and utterly shattered after my mum's illness and death. I long, long, long to have Christmas with just my husband and kids, and no one else. I am dead with exhaustion after this year. Sis did more care, as she had more time, but obvs the whole thing is/was awful for us both.

Would I be unreasonable not to invite my sister for Christmas? She'll be on her own otherwise or have to go to friends, as our parents are gone and she's getting divorced. I know it sounds awful but I'm just so strung out. And I love Christmas just us.

Help!

OP posts:
GenerousGardener · 15/09/2025 08:24

Since 1995 I’ve hosted various family members at Christmas. From 1995 to 2020, I’ve hosted my widowed MIL (she’s a very difficult woman so I’ve had to grin and bear it). She’s now in a care home, but from 2018 and every year since, I now host my own mum as she’s become a widow in that time. Last year, I also hosted my single 50 year old cousin as there was no way I could leave him on his own Christmas Day.

So, OP, I have not had one year of not hosting since 1995. My Christmas Day is as follows.

Get Up.
Go to the care home to see MIL.
Pick my mum up on the way home.
My cousin arrives lunchtime.
I cook Christmas dinner.
We all have a nice time.
OH does Christmas tea.
Cousin goes home.
Mum stays till Boxing Day and goes home after.

This has been going on since 1995. Thirty years of hosting my family who would otherwise be on their own. I’m so totally shocked at your attitude to your sister for this one calendar day out of your year.

I would never, ever, leave any member of my family on their own for Christmas, end of story. I feel so sorry for your sister. It upsets me that you think so little of her.

YourWildAmberSloth · 15/09/2025 08:24

NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 03:50

With three kids, I really don't think I'm ever going to be alone at Christmas.

Don't count on that OP. You wouldn't allow your child to spend Christmas with her boyfriend when she wanted to? I'm sorry for your loss and hoped that your apparent cold callousness was a grief reaction, but clearly not. You won't always be able to dictate and control what your kids do or who they spend Christmas with. Plenty of threads and posts on here of adults who would rather be anywhere than with certain family members on special occasions. Don't be that person.

Missohnoyoubetterdont · 15/09/2025 08:25

Wow! You have just had five Christmases together while I presume your sister took care of your sick mother so you didn’t have to? How selfish and thoughtless and unkind to exclude someone who is alone and been through a terrible time. You have a husband and family to support you during grief. She doesn’t. Now you would like her to be alone at one of the most difficult times of year for many people? This says a lot about who you are as a person. ☹️

indoorplantqueen · 15/09/2025 08:25

You sound very selfish. You say you’re exhausted- how do you think your sister feels. Sounds like get whole life recently has been caring for your mum.
her caring for your mum facilitated you having more of a life. Inviting her for Xmas would be the kind and thoughtful thing to do, but tbh if I were her I’d probably not want to spend it with you as you clearly don’t value her.

Daleksatemyshed · 15/09/2025 08:25

Right from your first post I thought how smug and self obsessed you sounded Op and you've just got worse with every post. Have your family Christmas without your DSis, it will let her see how you really feel so very little for her. Not a thought for your DM elderly partner either.

steepdreams · 15/09/2025 08:26

Let me guess, she’s the oldest sister and you’re the younger one?
Cannot believe you’ve had only your family for Christmas since 2020 and now you’ll leave your sister all alone. But maybe it’s a lucky escape for her

TheLemonLemur · 15/09/2025 08:26

I never understand this obsession with Christmas and who makes the guest list cut. Obviously you can invite who you want but it might be the decent thing to do after everything your sister gave up to be the main carer rather than judging her choice not to have children!
Also yabu and controlling regarding your eldest odd that you think she needs to ask permission to spend Christmas elsewhere

Butchyrestingface · 15/09/2025 08:27

NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 04:36

But why is it MY FAULT when she CHOSE not to have kids?

It's not your fault. But probably just as well for you she didn't. If she'd been caring for or consumed by her own family when your mother was ill, who'd have cared for her then?

NoSuchThingAsAFreeHoliday · 15/09/2025 08:28

Wow…. I have RTFT now and as sad as I am for your loss, and as much as I also love a quiet Christmas, I am truly shocked. Your sister sounds like a really decent person. You talk about past Christmases as if you have done something uniquely generous. You know that most of us do what you did? It’s no big deal? I really hope your sister has more generous, big hearted friends that will welcome her with open arms and care about everything she has gone through this year.

UninterestedBeing12 · 15/09/2025 08:28

I've often seen the women complain constantly about the burdens of raising children. If it's not sleep it's school, it's what they're eating, not eating. Then when its teenage years, it's something else school refusing, rude and chatback.

But primarily, the complaints are in the formative years.When they're still very much dependent on care. And I get it, kids are difficult.Everybody knows it. In fact, everybody knows it to the extent I can't believe most women are surprised when they end up with this screaming baby that deprives them asleep and is constantly on them. What did you think it was going to be like...

I'm getting off point, but the point I was trying to make was this lots of people on here, and in real life, say it takes a village to raise a child and you need the village.

But then what do the mother's like her contribute to the village. You want to take from the village but don't contribute to it. You want the free child care and aunties and granny babysitting your children for you, so you can have a break but you don't want to give anything back.

In the specific example of this op, she's taken from the village but gives nothing back. She left her sister to spend every single christmas with their mother and do most of the care for her. Then when the mother's dead and the sister's divorcing social be alone, where is her village? There's nobody there for her.

Opi p used the village to dump her mother on, and now she's not willing to reciprocate to host her sister who'll be alone.

Being part of a village works both ways if you want to take from it and say you need help with your children and your emotional stress, then you better, provide it back. Be part of the village and invite that lonely relative, who has no one to spend christmas or their birthday with.

Gloriia · 15/09/2025 08:28

'I wouldn't let my eldest spend Christmas with her partner. She lives at home as she's only just finished uni. She knows she's expected to be home with us'

Oh op. Lighten up and get a grip. 'Wouldn't let'. Your kids are adults let them do as they please at Christmas. Maybe they want a relaxed Christmas for a change?

I wonder if there's another thread from someone saying after looking after her dm with dementia who has sadly died she can't bear spending Christmas with her entitled, selfish sister and how can she decline without sounding rude.

TwoBagsOfCompost · 15/09/2025 08:28

I don't mean to sound harsh OP but what makes you think your sister wants to spend Christmas with you? Asking genuinely. There is no way she hasn't picked up on how you feel, and surely she must have twigged she's not very welcome given you haven't invited her since 2020. Again not meant to be nasty, just factual given what you told us. Maybe this perspective will take some of the pressure off for you?

Calliopespa · 15/09/2025 08:29

NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 04:10

I'm generally a bit of a misanthrope, yes, apart from my husband and children. I don't like my ILs. I don't like many people. Sometimes I wonder what I've become.

Well to be honest op, it's decisions like this that help determine what we become.

If your dc like her I really can't see the big issue. She doesn't sound too difficult given she's happy to stay in a hotel etc. In fact she sounds absolutely lovely and you were lucky to have her in your life when you needed support for your mum.

Who knows op: your dc may all get partners who have your attitude and you may be alone and needing your DSis for Christmases in the not too distant future. What goes around and all that ...

I'd be tempted to say you would like to ask her but warn her it might be quite low-key. I mean you are cooking a meal anyway aren't you? She's not expecting you to entertain her with a Christmas can-can.💃

sofiamofia · 15/09/2025 08:30

But why is it MY FAULT when she CHOSE not to have kids?

So you use her not having kids as the reason she did the majority of care for your mother and why she hosted your mother for Christmas for the last five years, and now you're also using it as the reason you shouldn't invite her for Christmas. You really like it both ways don't you.

NoSuchThingAsAFreeHoliday · 15/09/2025 08:31

And you say you think people should live with the consequences of their choices… but she allowed you to have less time with your mum because of YOUR CHOICES. But you can’t do that for her because of fecking Christmas! Beyond selfish.

GameWheelsAlarm · 15/09/2025 08:32

So sorry for your losses. I can sympathise as I have a sister who is truly lovely but whose visits leave me drained, I can imagine feeling unable to cope with that over Christmas when recently bereaved.

I think in my family it would work to invite her very specifically for something that is near to but not Christmas, in the same breath. So eg "I'd like to invite you to come and stay with us for a couple of days over New Year, we are going to have a special dinner on New Years Eve to say farewell to the old yrar and I'd love you to be there. Our plans for Christmas Day are incompatible with having a guest but I want to spend some time with you over the Christmas break"

Having this conversation now is important because then she has time to plan and make her own arrangements.

UninterestedBeing12 · 15/09/2025 08:32

Gloriia · 15/09/2025 08:28

'I wouldn't let my eldest spend Christmas with her partner. She lives at home as she's only just finished uni. She knows she's expected to be home with us'

Oh op. Lighten up and get a grip. 'Wouldn't let'. Your kids are adults let them do as they please at Christmas. Maybe they want a relaxed Christmas for a change?

I wonder if there's another thread from someone saying after looking after her dm with dementia who has sadly died she can't bear spending Christmas with her entitled, selfish sister and how can she decline without sounding rude.

Oh jesus I missed that one.

She wouldn't let her eldest daughter who is 21 presumably spend christmas as she chose.

Yeah, the just us thing doesn't work much longer. Op once adjust us christmas. Just the five of them. She's failing to take into account that her children are adults and their life.No longer revolves around the nuclear family that she created. Their branching out and living their own lives, which they should do.

Instead of celebrating it, she's not allowing her eldest to spend christmas elsewhere. This won't end.Well, the older the children get, they'll spend christmas with their mother but they will be more and more resentful.

So she's banning her sister from attending and banning her eldest from spending it with her partner. I mean who does she think she is.

hididdlyho · 15/09/2025 08:34

I would plan to spend a weekend with her in December and have an early low key Christmas where you exchange gifts and eat easy to prep party food etc. If she has a friend who would want to spend Christmas Day with her, then that's probably a better option for her than you trying to hide the fact you don't want to host.

Melonmango70 · 15/09/2025 08:34

NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 03:50

With three kids, I really don't think I'm ever going to be alone at Christmas.

Well, you might. What if all your kids move thousands of miles away?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/09/2025 08:35

Hi OP what is it about having her visit that you don't like?

You're saying that you want a family Christmas with just the kids to make up for all the ones that you missed out on when they were llyoung. But its not going to make up for it, they don't believe in santa, won't be up early desperate to open presents etc.

What is it about hosting people that you hate, maybe if you work on that and address it, it it might help. We host Xmas and don't change much eg still hang around in pj's til lunch time. If they're up, they can see the kids opened presents but if not then tough. Everyone gets their own drinks / snacks and we have a very easy lunch so I'm only cooking one meal, which is mostly prepped beforehand. We play lots of games which are better with more people etc. If it's the driving that you don't like - book taxis, rope the kids in to give lifts, find a b and b within walking distance, or she sleeps on your floor. If it's because you all just want a casual curry but she will expect a full roast then just tell her that's what you're inviting her to. Set expectations early. If its just you don't want anyone else there...how exactly will one extra person take away you seeing your kids 'for the last time'?

outofofficeagain · 15/09/2025 08:35

Am I the only one secretly hoping 4 ghosts turn up on Christmas Eve?

CremeBruhlee · 15/09/2025 08:35

Do you actually know how much of the caring responsibility your sister took on/away from you? All those years you prioritised your own ‘family’ who you live with all year will have been seen and judged by your own children. Let’s hope they haven’t learnt their family values from that. Your sister did multiple Christmases on her own with your mum and you won’t support her for the first year.

This isn’t self care, it’s selfishness wrapped up in it as an excuse.

Your sister probably won’t hold it against you as you say she is kind and loves you all and you all ‘love’ her which almost makes it worse. Awful, awful people.

Where is the harm in having her Christmas Eve until the day after Boxing Day then you all use the inbetween days and New Year as a close family.

Your poor sister, she may be regretting her decisions this New Year.

Everyone I know personally that does the whole ‘we just want all of Christmas in our little bubble’ excluding family and visitors (unless complicated family relationships involved or SEN needs for kids) are all selfish in the rest of their lives…..or have a controlling man as the father/husband…. sorry but totally my experience…

Phatgurslyms · 15/09/2025 08:36

Your poor sister. When you fleetingly say that she took on most of the care of your mum those of us who don’t have children who were also put in this position know what that really means. It is hard work to care for someone with dementia - to say the least. It puts a strain on your own mental health and if you are alone the strain is that much worse because you have no one supporting you. If she hadn’t done the lion’s share of caring your life would have been so much worse, trust me. And after all that you are planning to abandon her at Xmas the worst time of year to be alone? It is time for you to step up and make her feel good for a change.

The way threads like this usually go is that the op doesn’t get the answer they seek and resort to telling us how vile the sister is just to turn the tide of sympathy. I hope that this thread isn’t going to go that way.

keepincool · 15/09/2025 08:37

NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 04:15

This is making me take a hard look at myself.

Good! Make sure its a long hard look at yourself.

Phatgurslyms · 15/09/2025 08:37

CremeBruhlee · 15/09/2025 08:35

Do you actually know how much of the caring responsibility your sister took on/away from you? All those years you prioritised your own ‘family’ who you live with all year will have been seen and judged by your own children. Let’s hope they haven’t learnt their family values from that. Your sister did multiple Christmases on her own with your mum and you won’t support her for the first year.

This isn’t self care, it’s selfishness wrapped up in it as an excuse.

Your sister probably won’t hold it against you as you say she is kind and loves you all and you all ‘love’ her which almost makes it worse. Awful, awful people.

Where is the harm in having her Christmas Eve until the day after Boxing Day then you all use the inbetween days and New Year as a close family.

Your poor sister, she may be regretting her decisions this New Year.

Everyone I know personally that does the whole ‘we just want all of Christmas in our little bubble’ excluding family and visitors (unless complicated family relationships involved or SEN needs for kids) are all selfish in the rest of their lives…..or have a controlling man as the father/husband…. sorry but totally my experience…

This!!!