to not invite my sister for Christmas?

[NameChangedforThis3036]

Our mother died in late August of dementia. Our dad died about a decade ago. I have three kids of university age. My sister has no kids as she never really wanted them, and she married a horrible man who had an affair and then left her.

I feel completely and utterly shattered after my mum's illness and death. I long, long, long to have Christmas with just my husband and kids, and no one else. I am dead with exhaustion after this year. Sis did more care, as she had more time, but obvs the whole thing is/was awful for us both.

Would I be unreasonable not to invite my sister for Christmas? She'll be on her own otherwise or have to go to friends, as our parents are gone and she's getting divorced. I know it sounds awful but I'm just so strung out. And I love Christmas just us.

Help!

Well, didn't you draw the long straw. You happened to marry someone decent and had children; your sister ended up with a 'horrible' husband. She's probably had years of abuse within her marriage, and that might be a huge part of why she 'chose' not to have children.
Bully for you for life working out the way it did. Your sister was not so lucky.

I'm single and childless, no other family. However, I've been able to use my time to cultivate friendships so that I'm never without something to do at Christmas. Your sister has dedicated her life to your mum; her friendships will have suffered, and, in fact, you say her last romantic relationship ended because of the care she gave your mother, so YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO.

I've also been the sole full-time carer for a terminal parent with a malfunctioning brain. It's 24/7. Never a full nights' sleep. Emotionally and physically draining. You seem to have no comprehension of what she had to endure, comparing it to a few drives and admin. Get a grip.

By the sound of it, by luck of the draw, your sister has had a pretty shit and stressful life - probably far from the one she'd imagined, and now you want to exclude her from her only remaining family for utterly selfish reasons.

I don't think you should invite her. I'll bet if she came, you'd make her feel unwelcome. Quite honestly, that would be worse than allowing her to find an alternative arrangement where she can spend it with people who actually care about her.
She's better off knowing where she stands, and moving on with her life without you in it.

And maybe one day, when your husband is dead, and your children are following in the footsteps of their mother and focusing on their immediate families at Christmas, and your sister has found a healthy relationship, possibly surrounded by lovely step children and step grandchildren - better things to do than spend Christmas with you, you'll regret your rejection of her.

I’m sorry but I just couldn’t leave my sibling a lone at Christmas- I very much love a small “just us” Christmas at first it read like you had never had this, But you’ve had at least 5 Christmas days like this. Unless there’s a huge back story I’d be really upset if I were your sister

Wow just wow what an absolutely vile person you are!! My own sister doesn't have a family of her own and due to her situation may never. Our parents are still alive but I would never do this to her ever and I think my husband would question the type of individual I was if I could even consider this.

Also who the heck do you think you are expecting your children to be with you at christmas. Honestly I hope you eventually reap what you sow and your kids realise what a cold person their mother is and spend all future Christmases with their partners family. My husband has a mother similar to you (cold and spiteful) and we certainly due to her behaviour don't see her much. She's on a very long leash.

Why dont you just admit you don't like your sister?

Couldn't agree more! Wow.

I think not inviting her show how little you think of her.

This isn’t the Christmas to strike out in your own. Blimey, be kind! Your poor sister. ☹️

This ^

Absolutely perfect post to this rather unpleasant op

This is so sad.

Your sister may have chosen not to have children but this is not something to be used and thrown back in her face. She took on so much caring for your DM, if she did have kids and didn't work from home then you would have had to step up a lot more.

This is not the year to be excluding your sister, you can still have a great time with your kids even if it is the last year you are all together.

Nothing in life is a given. I would give anything to see my sister this Christmas and she'd be very welcome with my DH and 2 kids but she died in July.

Sorry for your loss.

I understand that you feel like you can't manage it, but I think it's wrong to leave your sister on her own, grieving. How would you feel if you only family wasn't there for you in a time of need. How lonely to know that everyone else is celebrating Christmas with their loved ones and at the time when you need your loved ones the most, they've rejected you. It will damage your relationship.

Maybe just have a conversation with her. Ask her what she wanted to do for Christmas. Tell her you feel overwhelmed. See what happens.

I really hope this is a wind up @NameChangedforThis3036. If it's not, I sincerely hope your DC are appalled by your callousness and insist that their aunt is not left alone at Christmas. If you were my mum, I'd be so disappointed in your attitude and it would definitely sour my view of you. Your DC have lost their grandmother too, don't forget – they might want their aunt with them on Christmas Day to help them with THEIR grief. Not everything is about you.

You’ve made It her fault that you chose to have kids by making her take on the brunt of parental care.

she facilitated your last FOUR nuclear family Christmases by having them with your mum. Come on be better than this.

I understand this, but this sounds like the wrong year to make a point tbh.

Please do not excuse your shitty behaviour by saying you’re ND.

I hate when people do this like it’s a get out of jail free card.

If you were ND you’d probably be less of a bitch because you would want your sister to join in the celebration, rather than exclude her because of some weird control/jealousy issues.

I feel sorry for your sister, your DH and kids - basically everyone but you.

Only on Mumsnet do people put no thought into Christmas until mid-December at the earliest!

(PS, it's 101 days until Christmas! )

YANBU to not invite your sister if you don't want to.

There is nothing from stopping your sister cooking up a fabulous christmas dinner herself and inviting people round to hers.

Just to add a different perspective - I'm married with no kids by choice. My husband often works at Christmas, while I'm off. I have no family in the UK. I have spent several Christmases alone with the cat. It's the BEST THING EVER. There's nothing I look forward to more than waking up in a warm Crhistmasy home, putting on my Christmas jumper, having a hot cup of coffee while looking at the Christmas lights, and then snuggling on the sofa with the cat and a book or Netflix.

I would HATE to be invited anywhere and thankfully I have always managed to politely swerve the invites - it's easy as all I need to say is "oh I really don't like travelling at Christmas"

I just thought I'd add this not because it's necessarily relevant to you or your sister, but just my two cents that "lonely" Christmas for me is the best thing ever. I just thought I had to speak up for all those women who didn't have kids by choice - rest assured we do not hold our sisters accountable (?????) for our choices.

It may be a bit of a relief to your sister not to have to spend Christmas with you. You may not be as good as hiding your heartlessness and aversion to other people who are not your husband and children as you think.

I have spent some Christmases with extended family since the death of my mum. They are welcoming however and there isn't an undercurrent of 'I don't you here and am only acting out of duty'. But some years I just don't WANT to pretend and have stayed home and enjoyed a singleton Christmas getting up whenever I want, eating whenever I want, and watching whatever I want. Your sister might enjoy that, or she might not.

I think for her sake it's best she stops spending Christmas with a sister who doesn't want her there. I do think however THIS was not the Christmas for you to decide you don't want there any more. You sure how how to pick your moments.

So you have had the last five christmasses with just your family? You seem to think your sister almost deserves to be punished for not having kids. Your sister put her life on hold to nurse your dying mother. She’s going through a divorce. But as far as you’re concerned you want Christmas (number six!) with just your family and it doesn’t bother you that your sister will spend Christmas on her own coz y’know self care 🤷‍♀️ and all that! (Plus she chose to marry someone awful and not have kids so really it’s on her. Whatevs!)

You sound awful.

I don't know why you keep bleating about her choosing not to have children. Having children is no guarantee that you'll never spend Christmas alone. Hopefully karma will do it's thing and you'll learn this the hard way one day. You sound very unpleasant.

I agree.

Can you not invite her but agree on a simpler day than you might otherwise have managed?

Could it be possible that your sister would quite like not to travel this Christmas and spend it quietly at home? Just wondering if there might not be such an issue after all.

(Saying this as someone who is choosing this for myself and secretly relishing 4 days at home in own space with own choices!)

Really sorry for your loss. It is all clearly really raw for you still. I think I do understand why you want your Christmas with just your DH and children - and also understand why that makes you feel a bit guilty. I think you will probably feel more guilty if indeed your sister ends up alone for Christmas.
I think the hotel option is fair if you have no space and it also gives you breathing room if you find hosting hard. It can be low key on the hosting front. May be better to sort hotel etc now - assuming your sister wants to come - as they may have taxi options that can be pre booked. Although it’s a bank holiday, some drivers will be working.
In contrast to the majority I voted that you are not being unreasonable - but I think you’ll regret it if your sister is alone for Christmas, so I’d advise a rethink. You’ve had a tough ride on here because you have been very honest.

Cruel to the point of wickedness.