to not invite my sister for Christmas?

[NameChangedforThis3036]

Our mother died in late August of dementia. Our dad died about a decade ago. I have three kids of university age. My sister has no kids as she never really wanted them, and she married a horrible man who had an affair and then left her.

I feel completely and utterly shattered after my mum's illness and death. I long, long, long to have Christmas with just my husband and kids, and no one else. I am dead with exhaustion after this year. Sis did more care, as she had more time, but obvs the whole thing is/was awful for us both.

Would I be unreasonable not to invite my sister for Christmas? She'll be on her own otherwise or have to go to friends, as our parents are gone and she's getting divorced. I know it sounds awful but I'm just so strung out. And I love Christmas just us.

Help!

You're obsessed with this argument. Unless you have a massive backstory where you reveal to us that your sister has used this argument on you, I genuinely don't understand why you keep repeating this, makes zero sense. I think you're missing the point quite spectacularly.

Was just thinking the same thing...or "it's causing issues in real life"

Oh, and YABU OP.

I sincerely believe he will oneday wake up, realise what a selfish woman he married and leave. Because you are beyond the pale.

I wouldn’t bank on that given how you’ve role modelled how to treat family so generously.

So is the latest excuse for being a selfish arsehole “I’m putting down boundaries”?

OP you need to take a long hard look at yourself.

Your mother must have been so ashamed of you, and what kind of person you became. How selfish and self-involved you became. Even when she was sick, you didn't spend the holidays with her.

I have been so upset by this thread, yet somehow had to keep reading. You may well get the Christmas again that you so much want, and have had for several years. I had Christmas with only my husband for the covid years, I loved him dearly but he was very ill all the time, and eventually so was I. My dear only brother had died, and I have also lost a child. A nuclear Christmas, a horrible expression, can come leaving us alone. Invite your sister and be grateful for her love for you and your family. You might not have to be bothered by her again.

Invite her for a late tea? Or Boxing Day? Ease the guilt a bit. She can’t come to you forever, it would be weird if she came when your kids are there for example.

Well, you are allowed to feel as you do, so are not being unreasonable in that, but I think you do have to invite your sister, this year. Imagine one of your adult children being in this position in the future. Would you not hope that one of your other children would invite them?

Well it doesn't sound like your to fussed about trying to find out if Taxie's are available as you don't want her there so it's a bit of an excuse really. There either are taxies or there aren't.

Sending you a big hug. You are also welcome at mine for Christmas

Taxi?
Or just desperately looking for excuses to justify your selfishness?

You don’t sound like a good sister.
Your sister cared for your mother because she was able too (because she doesn’t have children). If it wasn’t for her choice not to have children it would have been likely you would have to have done more or your mother would have gone into a home? You sound very bitter towards her and her choices. I wouldn’t want anyone in my family being alone for Christmas. Your kids have grown up so it’s no big deal having an extra person for Christmas dinner.

I genuinely don’t understand the strength of feeling op. Your sister sounds perfectly pleasant. What is it about her presence that trashes your Christmas?

But we are a “more the merrier” family as get on so well with sisters and parents so genuinely want them there. Our teens feel the same it would be weird with just the 4 of us. Like a normal Sunday.

I’m not responsible for PIL - but they’re welcome at Christmas. It’s not about being responsible for someone, just extending an invitation.

I entirely understand excluding unpleasant people who are rude and/or create drama - but that doesn’t sound the case here.

No sure when I last saw such blatant selfishness. I’m appalled by your coldness towards your sister, who you say you like. Aren’t you embarrassed?
You say you had the last 5 Christmases without guests, whilst your sister has spent those with your Mum, who had dementia. Do you think that was fun for her?
And now when you could easily give her a nice time, when you have adult DC on hand to help with cooking etc, when you are not even offering a bed, you are complaining about hosting?
Your only real complaint seems to be that someone will have to drive her a hotel . Of course you could arrange a taxi, or , god forbid, put her up yourself, but I m sure you’ll have reasons why that’s not possible.
Youve been happy for her to take on the burden of your mother, but you can’t even share a family Christmas with her.
I hope she finds something better to do than spend her time with you.

Its called be a sociopath.

Chances are, she won’t want to come to yours anyway. I think I would rather spend Christmas alone than spend it with someone who doesn’t want me there and someone who judges my life choices (not having children is a very good life choice).

Wow. Just wow.

You sound completely self absorbed, you've clearly already made up your mind so why come on her. Personally i think you owe your sister a massive debt after she cared for both parents. Awful. Think if your children treated each other like you are
treating your own sister, how would you feel, if one had to have chritmas on their own?

OP, think carefully about this - what are you teaching your DC? That it is ok for them to leave out their sibling who’s on their own? Is that how you are bringing your DC up?

I am so sorry for your loss. I completely understand how you’d like to just keep it to your DH and kids. I often feel like that. But in the circumstances I’d invite your sister. We usually go to my sisters house for Christmas as it’s the biggest house and we all cook/bring a bit of the meal. It doesn’t feel like ‘hosting’, we all muck in and slob around as a family. Isn’t that what Christmas is about? If that’s not your thing, it’s also just one day that would be painful for your sister being alone and you can spend other days with your family. I feel sad that she ended up doing most of the caring, it often ends up on single relatives because they have ‘more time’ with limited appreciation. Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best.

You benefitted from her lifestyle when your mum was ill, she bore the brunt of the care. I think it would be mean to not consider her being alone at Christmas now.

I totally get the burden of not only hosting Christmas but having to do it to suit the preferences of others. I rarely got the Christmas I really wanted as a nuclear family. I think you might be setting yourself up for disappointment this year as you are in danger of idealising the holiday period. With kids the age of yours Christmas will feel different every year anyway as they wax and wane in their relationships and commitment to you and DH.

if DS can stay in accommodation (you could ask them about taxis/uber as they will be familiar with the request) and be with you for some or part of the time you could actually enjoy it. Think about opportunities for reminiscing and offering support and acknowledgment for what she did for DM. The pleasure you get from your family and your DS this year could be more than you expect.

im sorry you lost your mum and all had a difficult and distressing time with it but spend the time between now and December looking after yourself. Eat well, have treats if you can afford it and get enough sleep. Grief affects us all in different ways and i feel for your longing for a safe and tight holiday time. Share your feelings as well as your hospitality if you can.

💐

This isn't the year to start bleating on about 'my little family'. I absolutely love a small Christmas. Quiet and relaxed. No pressure. But there is no way I would even consider leaving out a sibling in these circumstances. I'm sure you loved your mum just as much as your sister did, but I can guarantee that she is feeling much much worse than you at the moment. And that may continue for several years. I cared for my mum when she had dementia. It was the loneliest, most draining experience of my life. And the mixture of emotions after she died was horrendous. I missed her so much, but I also felt relief. Then guilt because of the relief. Then a whole different kind of loneliness, despite having a DP and two children. Two years later and it hasn't gone away.

Honestly, have your magical, boozy Christmas with just the people you give a toss about - but maybe delay your stone hearted lack of compassion until next year. Let your sister know she's not alone. Even for a little while.