Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not invite my sister for Christmas?

831 replies

NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 02:04

Our mother died in late August of dementia. Our dad died about a decade ago. I have three kids of university age. My sister has no kids as she never really wanted them, and she married a horrible man who had an affair and then left her.

I feel completely and utterly shattered after my mum's illness and death. I long, long, long to have Christmas with just my husband and kids, and no one else. I am dead with exhaustion after this year. Sis did more care, as she had more time, but obvs the whole thing is/was awful for us both.

Would I be unreasonable not to invite my sister for Christmas? She'll be on her own otherwise or have to go to friends, as our parents are gone and she's getting divorced. I know it sounds awful but I'm just so strung out. And I love Christmas just us.

Help!

OP posts:
TwoBagsOfCompost · 15/09/2025 07:50

OP, you have adult children and didn't look after your Mum as your sister did that. Why are you so "exhausted" then?

Sadza · 15/09/2025 07:51

She didn’t have kids. You seem to blame her for this for some reason. But this allowed her the space to care for her dying mother while you were otherwise occupied with your family. And now you want to spend time with your family without her? Do you feel guilty that she did most of the care and you don’t want a reminder of this over Christmas or do you really just not care about her? It’s one day and she is on her own.

Needtosoundoffandbreathe · 15/09/2025 07:51

There's a huge gulf between hosting several others for Christmas and not inviting your one sister, who will otherwise potentially be on her own. Choosing not to have children does not mean she deserves to be left out.

Honestly OP, it's all, "me, me, me" from you and it's extremely selfish. Your one sister. If you don't like hosting, why can't everyone pitch in and it's a team effort. Oh, there's no "I" in team...

She, or one of the kids, can sleep in the study on a camp bed/folding bed/blow up bed. Maybe it's your grief making you feel like this, but I couldn't countenance doing this to a sibling, unless I hated them.

Heronwatcher · 15/09/2025 07:51

On the off chance that this isn’t a joke, you’ve got the wrong idea. Boundaries and self-care do not mean behaving cruelly or just plain selfishly to someone who’s done nothing to you. If your sister had been coming to yours for 10 years behaving like a massive cow and ruining things, self-care would be putting a stop to it. But not this.

Invite her this year- there are many Christmases in the future when you can make a different plan but not this one.

TwoBagsOfCompost · 15/09/2025 07:52

NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 03:50

With three kids, I really don't think I'm ever going to be alone at Christmas.

Show quote history

Is that because "you won't let them" 😬🙃

thepariscrimefiles · 15/09/2025 07:53

sadtimeshardtimes · 15/09/2025 07:48

I know how you feel OP. Since I bought my own home 27 tears ago I gave hosted every Christmas. My own parents and DB then when I got married 2 sets of in laws plus my DPs every single year. I hate Xmas day because I never see the kids with their hew stuff cos I’m stuck in kitchen. DH and I are doing dishes all bloody day. My DF died this year and like you I don’t have it in me. However, I couldn’t leave my DM alone so I’ll be inviting her only. In laws have each other and mum will help out with cooking etc.

I don’t blame you for your feelings but think you should at least invite your DS. She might not want to come but please ask

OP hasn't hosted every Christmas though. Her sister has hosted their mum with dementia for Christmas for the previous five years, letting OP completely off the hook so she could have the 'immediate family only' Christmas that she keeps banging on about.

Ipdipdoodoggyhastheflu · 15/09/2025 07:53

Wow. I hope this is a wind up. OP, you are a truly awful person, completely selfish, ungrateful and uncaring. Your poor sister deserves so much better than you, do not be surprised when you end up the one alone.

StupidRules · 15/09/2025 07:53

Only read the OP so far, so if there is any drip feeding I've yet to see it. But based on the OP alone, yes I think you'd be wrong and quite unkind to not invite her, this year of all years.

She's your sister. She's not someone you have to put the red carpet out for, or make an extra effort. She'll muck in and after lunch you should be able to just zone out and watch some movies in your jammies without her minding a jot. She did more of the care for your mum so she'll be equally knackered or more so. But also she'll be sad and lonely, which you will not be. Have a heart.

Unless you don't actually like her very much for some reason? Which is another matter entirely and if that's the case then you should have mentioned it.

MinnieMountain · 15/09/2025 07:54

I’m waiting for the deletion message because OP has reported everyone for being mean.

SirHumphreyRocks · 15/09/2025 07:54

NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 03:08

She lives about 100 miles away and doesn't drive.

I don't feel I'm responsible for her lack of family. She didn't want kids. If she was that bothered about a family, she could have had them.

We get on fine. She's pretty forgiving. I've just always been more into my own family than my original family.

In many ways I have been your sister.

I have never spoken to her since our father died. That is 14 years ago. I will never speak to her. She was also the one that could never help, never be bothered, and was more "into herself" than her family.

RavenPie · 15/09/2025 07:54

The longest relationship most of us have is with our siblings. They know us better than anyone - better than ourselves sometimes. If you think your sister hasn’t noticed that you prioritise yourself at every turn to the point that your adult child isn’t “allowed” to not spend Christmas with you, and it’s just more convenient for your sister to do 24/7 care for your mum with dementia and host her for Christmas single handedly for the most difficult 5 years of her life then you are in fantasy land. No way is the behaviour you have told us about on this thread atypical. You lack empathy and perspective. Your adult children and husband live with you but you can’t carve out any special time together in the 6 weeks of advent and Christmas? Your sister is loved by your children and has done the grunt work of caring for your mum - directly leading to you not having to (which you are bizarrely spinning as related to her choice to not have dc rather than your choice to not roll your sleeves up) and has put the work in so your have had 5 nuclear family Christmases in a row but she’s a massive inconvenience to you now there is no mum for her to take sole responsibility for. You can’t even let her crash on your sofa or on a blow up in your study or stay off the sauce for a few hours to run her back to a hotel. I bet 100% you will lie to at least your dc and probably your dh that auntie chose to spend the day with friends rather than say she is no longer useful to you so you cut her out. I hope auntie does spend the day with friends, she deserves the chance to build up her network again after sacrificing her free time to care work and prioritising family all these years. YABU but it’s probably better in the long run that your sister knows you don’t have her back and basically don’t like her enough to not drink for one afternoon.

Ocelotfeet27 · 15/09/2025 07:55

I totally understand wanting your own family Christmas but you have had a few years of it and your sister is alone and grieving. I think personally it would be selfish and horrible not to invite her. You could put boundaries around it like encouraging her to arrive at lunchtime on Christmas day rather than first thing, or something like that, but I do think you have to invite her. It's not her fault her ex is a shit. What if your kids decide to move all around the world and your DH turns out to be a cheating shit? Would you not want your sister to support you?

beAsensible1 · 15/09/2025 07:55

God forbid you lose your husband and none of your kids want you around because they want nuclear family time.

QOD · 15/09/2025 07:56

I’ve read all your posts in the thread op but not all the answers

consider a compromise ? Tell her you want to have one last guaranteed the 5 of your Xmas day and would she like to travel to you Boxing Day or the next day or for new year ?
honesty is the best policy

I always host Xmas but last year my Dd wasn’t here as she has moved overseas so I said I wasn’t prepared to host anymore as I didn’t want them to all come en famille then leave me … worked fine

Latenightreader · 15/09/2025 07:56

NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 04:12

I didn't do NO caring; when sis went back to her own home, I did some scary medical appointments getting test results and did some barreling down motorways when things went sideways, and was permanently worried.

Show quote history

You remind me of my cousin. When my 89 year old grandfather was seriously ill I was driving my mother to and from the hospital, doing all the cooking for her so she had something to eat, supporting Mum, helping with personal care for grandad, and working full time. She visited him once, and asked me how I was. When I said that I was tired she laughed and said 'you wait until you have kids' (I was single).

We haven't been in contact since Grandad died over a decade ago. Some people can't see beyond themselves.

You haven't had your children's Christmas's stolen, they may not have been your ideal, but you spent them together, with other family too. I hope your sister never finds out how little you appreciate her.

myrtleWilson · 15/09/2025 07:56

You’re all being big meanies to the OP. Sure, her sister moved into their mother’s home to care for her, but our poor beleaguered OP had A LOT of admin to do for her mom.

Littlebutloud · 15/09/2025 07:57

TipsyCoralOtter · 15/09/2025 03:00

So you've left her to do the brunt work of caring for your mum, and now, at a time where she is likely feeling immense grief and loneliness, you want to leave her out because it's inconvenient for you. Did you ever think about how much you leaving it all to your sister might have burnt her out?

You don't have to host a six course dinner but at least making sure she's not on her own after she's done so much for you (by taking on caregiving duties) is surely the least you can do to thank her.

This

ThatLemonBear · 15/09/2025 07:57

Never have I wanted karma to bite someone in the backside quite as much as you OP

ThisJadeWriter · 15/09/2025 07:58

Be upfront that you need a quiet one this year, but check in with her about her own plans and feelings.

TheCheekyCyanHelper · 15/09/2025 07:58

NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 03:09

I've felt like this for years and have managed to have the last few Christmases free of my in-laws or my own family, and it's been bliss.

Yes, she's very decent. I don't think she would ever do this if the tables were turned, which makes me feel worse....but I just want my own family Christmas so much.

Edited
Show quote history

You seem like a very selfish person. Narcissistic even.

user1471433754 · 15/09/2025 07:58

I actually can't believe that I'm reading this. What an awful thing to do to your sister. It's cruel, nasty and selfish. Yes, we all have to have boundaries, but leaving your lovely sister on her own isn't 'boundaries' it's heartless and horrible. You should be ashamed of yourself, not looking for verification that it's ok to do this. 😣

YellowBlueStar · 15/09/2025 07:58

When I read the title of this thread, I assumed that the sister must be horrible or would be bringing her large, unruly family and that's why you didn't want to invite her for Christmas.
I'm really shocked to read that you're thinking of excluding her. She's had a terrible time doing most of the caring for your dying mother. You keep going on about this possibly being the last family Christmas you have but your sister is family. Would having your sister there - one person who you admit everyone in your family likes - really ruin your Christmas?

nosleepforme · 15/09/2025 07:59

Ugh nasty. I actually wish ds had ppl that loved and cared for her who wanted her there. Most of us on here would happily welcome her with love and compassion way more than you.
you don’t sound kind at all, quite the opposite

UninterestedBeing12 · 15/09/2025 08:00

Sis did more care, as she had more time, but obvs the whole thing is/was awful for us both

So you're strung out and tired because of your mother's death when she did most of the care.

I thought you were going to say you had babies and young children, but they're practically grown ups. You weren't in the trenches with nappies potty training in school runs, in that case.

So why weren't you providing more care to your mother? I'm reducing the burden on your sister?

This precise thing happened with my sister, and I. She did nothing for our mother but take from her and complain about her. And then when she was dying all of it was dumped on me and then my sister criticised me heavily for what I haven't done for our mother when she did the square root of fuck all.

Do it o, p, have your quiet liittle christmas but don't expect your sister to forgive you and rightly so.

I really hate when people claim emotional stress from something they've barely had to deal with. She did all the care, but it was awful. Equally, for both of you, yeah, right

The way you speak about your sister speaks volumes. She had more time, so she did the care as if her life didn't matter. It was nothing she'd rather be doing.
Unlike you.

SushiForMe · 15/09/2025 08:00

This is not self-care / setting boundaries, this is being mean and self-centered.
OP, even if you don’t get it, surly the 100s of posts in just a few hours should be enough for you to accept that it would be horrible of you not to invite her.
She did most of the care for your mum, spent the last 5 Christmas with her, and now when your mum has just died your priority is… yourself!
Get a grip, honestly.