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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not invite my sister for Christmas?

831 replies

NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 02:04

Our mother died in late August of dementia. Our dad died about a decade ago. I have three kids of university age. My sister has no kids as she never really wanted them, and she married a horrible man who had an affair and then left her.

I feel completely and utterly shattered after my mum's illness and death. I long, long, long to have Christmas with just my husband and kids, and no one else. I am dead with exhaustion after this year. Sis did more care, as she had more time, but obvs the whole thing is/was awful for us both.

Would I be unreasonable not to invite my sister for Christmas? She'll be on her own otherwise or have to go to friends, as our parents are gone and she's getting divorced. I know it sounds awful but I'm just so strung out. And I love Christmas just us.

Help!

OP posts:
arcticpandas · 15/09/2025 07:38

NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 04:02

I'm confused because there is an emphasis these days on boundaries and self-care, but then I feel guilty.

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Boundaries and self care is for people who are being used or mistreated. In your case this is not about boundaries- it's just selfishness. You must have a heart of stone.

SpiritofaPanda · 15/09/2025 07:38

Let's hope your kids are kinder to each other or in 40 years time it could be one of them left alone at Christmas while their siblings celebrate with their nuclear family only. After all, that's what they'll have seen their own mum do, so it must be okay.

Also your timeline isn't working properly, your dad died a decade ago and that same year your sister's husband left her, yet 6 years ago they went abroad for Christmas together and he's now divorcing her. Has she had more than one husband?

Kpo58 · 15/09/2025 07:39

OP - You are feeling guilty because you are acting like a cow. Your sister has put her life on hold (including a chance to find a new partner) for nearly 5 years whilst looking after your mum so that you didn't need to help and you don't want to give her a dinner on Christmas day. Maybe you should pay her for all the care that she did and get out of her life so that she can find someone who values her as you clearly don't value her sacrifice.

MrsDoubtfire1 · 15/09/2025 07:39

Having read few more of the comments, it looks to me as if you have found that you are looking into the abyss of death. You want to hang on to all you have controlled for years and keep it like that because of life. You will need to let go of all you have controlled as your kids will move away and your future Christmasses will change. Will you need your sister there by your side in future? What comes around goes around. How is she feeling after spending five years caring for your mother? I did this myself and it wiped me out. I never did recover. But, I also dumped all the friends and relatives who weren't there for me when I needed them!

Barnbrack · 15/09/2025 07:40

NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 05:25

Sociopath 😱 Can't be - I love my kids and husband so much, and I love my sis too. I just desperately want it to be just us. I'm convinced it will be our last, due to my eldest's relationship.

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Maybe not a sociopath but borderline personality or narcissistic traits
You're framing everything with you at the centre. You've gotten worked up at the idea your eldest child will want to live her own life, not centring you, you're annoyed at the idea of your sister stealing your grief limelight on Xmas day. It can't be 'oh poor mum, pushing through her grief's when your sister is sat there going through the same can it?

Truetoself · 15/09/2025 07:40

This post defeats the purpose of the spirit of Christmas!!! You are actually horrible

aCatCalledFawkes · 15/09/2025 07:40

NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 04:23

But one of us would have to take her back to her hotel, so one of us would not be able to drink.

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Well we are taking a taxi out to lunch on Christmas day as plenty of people who don't celebrate Christmas use it to make extra money which is really appreciated in my town and they are super busy, booking is a must. Is there not a compromise that she stays in a lovely hotel, one of you picks her for lunch and then goes back to it late afternoon in a taxi so you can have the evening to yourself with your family? I think I would quite like a hotel room by the evening.

julietteoubliette · 15/09/2025 07:41

Honestly OP, I'm a pretty hard-hearted do what I want and deal with the consequences later type of person, and very good at 'boundaries'.

But even I wouldn't do what you're proposing and try and label it as boundaries or 'self-care'. You're just being mean spirited and selfish and trying to make excuses for it.

Whinge · 15/09/2025 07:42

Rosscameasdoody · 15/09/2025 07:37

Probably explains why DSIS did most of the caring if she lived close to their mum.

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The distance is just an excuse. Considering how selfish the OP is it doesn't sound like she would have bothered to help care for for mother, even if she lived next door.

There have been some truly awful posts on MN over the years, but this has to be one of the worst i've ever read. Sad

six666 · 15/09/2025 07:43

Why bother asking if you are being unreasonable when you obviously don't think you are?
And have not changed your mind even when nearly everyone here disagrees with you....

Devonmaid1844 · 15/09/2025 07:43

TheReformedSlob · 15/09/2025 02:11

What's with all these Christmas threads? It's September!

I'm guessing you come from a fairly settled family... Our negotiations to make sure everyone has people to spend Christmas with but no-one is spending Christmas with family they don't get on with start in January 😂

susiedaisy1912 · 15/09/2025 07:43

Nothankyov · 15/09/2025 02:31

I’m sorry for your loss. I wouldn’t be able to leave her out this year. Next year maybe but leaning her alone at Christmas after the loss of a parent that she cared for seems unnecessarily cruel to me.

This.

MrsDoubtfire1 · 15/09/2025 07:44

InfiniteTeas · 15/09/2025 07:28

This is a really upsetting read.

This is a woman who has sacrificed large parts of her life to taking on almost all the caring responsibilities with all the misery and exhaustion that comes with end of life care. During that - and maybe partly because of it - the life she thought she would have has fallen apart, leaving her on her own at a time when she most needs support. Her willingness to do this has enabled her closest relative to have the life she wanted, focusing on her nuclear family and doing minimal caring. One of the main reasons she was in a position to do this was her decision not to have children. If she had, then the OP would no doubt have been under considerably more pressure to do her fair share of care, and would not have been able to have Christmases just how she wants them. Now after a year that must have been exhausting, grinding and probably traumatising, the OP wants to exclude her, and is using the very reason she was able to shoulder this burden - her choice to be child free - as one of the justifications for doing so. 'Well it's not my fault she made a perfectly reasonable life choice and then gave up all the advantages that should come with that choice to allow me to do what I liked. She should have planned better even though that would have involved me not getting what I wanted and being under a lot more stress and pressure.'
I'm sure the OP did worry about her mother, but that worry is a tiny thing compared with what her sister must have gone through on a daily basis. I have been involved in end of life care for a short period of time for someone not directly related to me and even those few days were brutal and exhausting. I never, never want to experience that again.
Christmas is an incredibly symbolic time and I think loneliness is almost baked-in to it. People who are perfectly happy living alone and who normally have busy, full lives with friends and wider family can find themselves feeling lonely and sad at Christmas because everything about that day is presented as a time to be with others. If the OP chooses to exclude the person she owes so much to at the very time when she may need more support than ever before, she is, underneath all the 'my precious little family' veneer, a fundamentally selfish and unpleasant person. She can make that choice, but I wonder what her children will be thinking of her deep down, even if they don't voice it.
It's one day, set against all the awful days the sister has experienced so that the OP didn't have to. There's very little nuance to this - it's just a wrong and selfish thing to do to anyone, let alone someone you're supposed to love.

I take my hat off to you for this beautifully defined post.

firefoxx · 15/09/2025 07:44

NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 03:09

I've felt like this for years and have managed to have the last few Christmases free of my in-laws or my own family, and it's been bliss.

Yes, she's very decent. I don't think she would ever do this if the tables were turned, which makes me feel worse....but I just want my own family Christmas so much.

Edited
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You would be modelling very selfish behaviour to your almost adult children. When you and their dad are gone wouldn’t you want your children to invite their sibling if they were alone and grieving??! It’s one day!

Rosieposy89 · 15/09/2025 07:45

Gosh, this is unspeakably selfish. Christmas is a time for family.
My lovely sister died last year at 32. I would do literally anything to have her with us for Christmas.
My parents are coming to us this Christmas, eventhough I have my own nuclear family. My conscience cannot leave them on their own. I would not leave anyone I loved on their own, it is a time to be together.

BeaLola · 15/09/2025 07:45

Wow
So the picture from the opening post keeps changing -
You've had the last few Christmas as your immediate family only, your sister did most of the caring by your own omission so probably likely based on your drip feeding more than "most" , your adult "child" is t going to be permitted to have Christmas with he ref boyfriend and you don't want your sister even for 1 day , the Aunt that your children love

Btw what about the 87 yard old partner - where is he going

Ba humbug - I expect you will be happy to take half of the inheritance too

beAsensible1 · 15/09/2025 07:46

NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 03:44

Not a reverse, and I am trying to practice self-care and not be beholden to what others want, as I did that for so many years. I lost all their childhood Christmases since we always took turns - my folks one year, his the next, etc. With my sister and me switching off. So she always had every other Christmas with just her husband. Except one, when Dad had died and her husband had left her, so they both came to me, and I really hated and resented it. All the Xmas pressure over the years has really made me hate Christmas.

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This is not practicing self-care. This is being mean spirited and voicing it in therapy speak for make it feel better.

Selfcare is not excluding your grieving sister at Christmas. Self care is getting enough sleep, making healthy choices etc.

rookiemere · 15/09/2025 07:47

NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 04:23

But one of us would have to take her back to her hotel, so one of us would not be able to drink.

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Couldn’t she prebook a taxi/uber to the hotel?

Look I get where you are coming from, but as an only adult DC in the eye of the storm with unwell elderly DPs, you would be a lot more stressed now if you had had to do all the heavy lifting as she has. Honestly however traumatic and distressing it feels for you, you owe her an invite and it seems incredibly churlish to not extend one. She is one person, you can have her over for a minimum amount of time. She has lost the one person she spent CD with for the last 5 years. You keep talking about her choice not to have DCs, but if she had DCs she wouldn’t have been able to prioritise your DPs and they would have had to make different arrangements or - more likely- you would have had to do a lot more.

deeahgwitch · 15/09/2025 07:47

ApricotCheesecake · 15/09/2025 02:24

It's up to you OP, but I think in the circumstances it would be really nice to include her.

I agree

Roastiesarethebestbit · 15/09/2025 07:47

I find this so sad. My sister spends every Christmas with me. She will always be invited. My children would be pretty disgusted with me if I didn’t invite her! She’s our family and we are lucky to have her.

melonysnicket · 15/09/2025 07:48

You can throw all the modern terms you want in…boundaries, self-care, neurodivergence…but what it boils down to is you’re just really really selfish, nothing more interesting than that.

You want your Christmas just the five of you, your children have been told they can’t go to their partners even if they wanted to because it’s not what you want, you left the vast majority of your mother’s care to your sister because it wasn’t convenient for you, you’re burnt out from “worry” and the occasional motorway drive? How do you think she feels?

Jesus. She’s one extra person. You say you feel guitly about how much of your mother’s care you left to your sister…but not enough to do one tiny thing to make it up to her? Although tbh if I was her, I’d probably do the old mumsnet fave of going NC with you. You don’t seem to bring much to her life.

sadtimeshardtimes · 15/09/2025 07:48

I know how you feel OP. Since I bought my own home 27 tears ago I gave hosted every Christmas. My own parents and DB then when I got married 2 sets of in laws plus my DPs every single year. I hate Xmas day because I never see the kids with their hew stuff cos I’m stuck in kitchen. DH and I are doing dishes all bloody day. My DF died this year and like you I don’t have it in me. However, I couldn’t leave my DM alone so I’ll be inviting her only. In laws have each other and mum will help out with cooking etc.

I don’t blame you for your feelings but think you should at least invite your DS. She might not want to come but please ask

PinkyFlamingo · 15/09/2025 07:50

PestoHoliday · 15/09/2025 02:13

I'm so sorry for your loss.

No, you are not awful to want to step back from Christmas this year. It's not forever. Saying you can't face it is ok.

She isn't stepping away from Christmas though she still wants it, just without her sister!
Personally OP that's really poor, no matter how "stressed" you are what difference does your sister being there actually make?

NoWordForFluffy · 15/09/2025 07:50

thepariscrimefiles · 15/09/2025 06:53

I never normally do this, but I'm thinking that this can't be real. Being flexible with no ties doesn't mean that your sister was duty bound to care for your mother and that it was no problem for her. Caring for someone with dementia is distressing and exhausting and you didn't do any of it, but you're exhausted?

Her choices benefitted you, as you had the peace of mind that your mum was being well cared for by your sister and you didn't need to pay for carers or for residential care.

Your sister sounds absolutely lovely. You, not so much.

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But she did the admin! 🙄

Ophy83 · 15/09/2025 07:50

Put it this way...

It would be lovely for you to have Christmas with your family, but it wouldn't be terrible with her there , you'd still have fun. One extra person to cook for isn't any work. You can still have some moments that are just your immediate family e.g. get the kids (no matter how big they are!) to bring their stocking to your room to open all together on Christmas morning or something

For her, being alone might be terrible.

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