to not invite my sister for Christmas?

[NameChangedforThis3036]

Our mother died in late August of dementia. Our dad died about a decade ago. I have three kids of university age. My sister has no kids as she never really wanted them, and she married a horrible man who had an affair and then left her.

I feel completely and utterly shattered after my mum's illness and death. I long, long, long to have Christmas with just my husband and kids, and no one else. I am dead with exhaustion after this year. Sis did more care, as she had more time, but obvs the whole thing is/was awful for us both.

Would I be unreasonable not to invite my sister for Christmas? She'll be on her own otherwise or have to go to friends, as our parents are gone and she's getting divorced. I know it sounds awful but I'm just so strung out. And I love Christmas just us.

Help!

I think I can answer this one.

Boundaries and self care are therapist speak for putting yourself before others.

It's not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes you do need to prioritise your own wellbeing because you can't fill from an empty jug and all that. But many people use these words to justify behaving in a selfish, exclusionary way. It's not always easy to see which side of the line you are on, which is probably why you are here posting on AIBU.

My view is that you have actually had the kind of Christmas you wanted for the last four or five years, and this year it would be kind to include your sister. From what you've said here it doesn't sound like there is a back story, she doesn't sound unpleasant or difficult or annoying, she's happy to stay in a hotel. Could you Spring for a taxi back to the nearest hotel in the evening so you can all have a drink?

All of this is assuming she wants to come, of course. She may have other plans. She may be dreaming of spending Christmas Day on a beach in the Caribbean, or home alone watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy back to back and eating curry, or going to church and then volunteering in a soup kitchen. So I would gently sound her out and find out whether she already has any plans which don't involve coming to yours, but make her welcome to come to you if she wants.

She might not even want to spend Christmas with you, I wouldn’t if these posts are anything to go by (sorry).

You hardly have to ‘host’ for 1 extra adult, she would probably be happy to help you out with cooking etc and I’m sure she could pre book a taxi, why don’t you try?

You should feel guilty. This is all about you. No thought that perhaps your children enjoyed those christmases with grandparents and aunt, no thought that even now they would like their loved aunt there and will whatever they say think a lot less of you for being so heartless. Your sister gave you those christmases she spent with your Mum which were quite probably hard work with small amounts of pleasure and now when she is mourning and on her own you can’t be bothered having one extra person, your only sister at the table - not even staying in your house. How cold and heartless. I would give anything to have my sister with me but I lost her some years ago.

My parents both died when I was relatively young. My siblings were all married with children.

The first Christmas after my Mum died I went to my sister’s. If she had told
me she just wanted Christmas ‘with her family’ I would have been devastated. It was so raw to me that everyone else had a family and I didn’t that pointing it out like this would have been incredibly cruel.

Your sister may rather make other plans, but I think it’s important that she knows that she still has a family.

It's up to you OP

I was the sister who did more care so I am struggling to be impartial but she may feel abandoned and hurt, also dismissed as no longer being useful to you.

Will she have somewhere else to go? Just seems quite hard from her point of view at your closing ranks.

You’re awful. Really awful. My DH lost his mum in September 2023, she was in her 50’s and us her 30’s so we were all very young to go through such a thing. They don’t have a dad after he left when DH was 6. DH and I have 2 DS aged 5 and 1 (at the time). Just some context to I understand the loss of all the family bar a sibling. Our DS’ are young, one has complex needs and Christmas is chaos.

DH has a brother 2 years younger than me, who has no partner or children. It would never enter my mind to not invite him or deliberately leave him on his own at Christmas. I mentally swore then that BIL would never be alone at Christmas and would always have a place round our tree. Additionally we already host my mum who has mobility needs and is on her own.

I hate hosting, not so much the pressure but all the cooking and cleaning. However, that’s not their fault, they are our family and they are welcome in our home and our Christmas whenever they so wish. If that’s every year, then it’s every year. I welcome them with love and grace and warmth because it’s Christmas. They’re family, we love them and I might hate the washing up but I love them more. I’m not a saint by any means, it’s no more than probably everyone else on this thread would do, I’m a person who wants her family to know they have somewhere to go.

Starting this thread was pointless as you’ve made your mind up and that’s fine. What’s worse is you’ve said your sister is forgiving so you’ve already banked on the fact that you can do this and she’ll forgive you and you can pick her up again when you’re ready. She did it all for your mum, you’ve had years of Christmas alone and bar worrying (!), a few fast drives and a few appointments she picked it all up and shelved her own life.

You’ve made your mind up and will exclude her. Fine, you do you, but don’t come back one day when your sister hopefully wises up bleating how she doesn’t want anything to do with you or your children won’t spend Christmas with you. You’ve made your bed, much like you believe your sister has.

Gosh, I’d be devastated to think my children would treat each other like this after my death.

Gosh I find this whole thread absolutely bizarre. I completely understand OP about wanting Christmas at home without having to host anyone. We do this every year and there’s no where I’d rather be. But I genuinely can’t understand how upset you’re getting about your sister potentially joining you for 1 day especially when she’s staying at a bloody hotel !?!! The driving thing is just nonsense. Just pre-book a taxi. It’s really not a big deal. Does your sister even want to come? She might be sitting at home thinking she hopes she doesn’t have to come to yours for Christmas!
Just put the offer out there and stop making this into such a big drama. All this “it could be our last Christmas as a nuclear family” nonsense. Just ask her. Let her decide. Hopefully she’s lucky enough to have good friends looking out for her who’d love to have her join them. Or maybe she’ll even want to go away somewhere herself now’s she’s got the “freedom” to so that.
“Hey sis. Not sure if you’ve thought about Christmas yet, but after so much going on with mum this year we’re going to have a really low key Christmas at home and just have a bit of a rest and enjoy the time off. You’re welcome to join us if you’d like to”
Respectfully you’ve had the last 4 Christmases EXACTLY as you wanted them. We’re talking about adding in one sibling/aunt who isn’t even staying the night and who you won’t have to drive anywhere if you book a taxi. Get a grip love.

Wow, I’ve read through most of your replies and you’re really not getting it are you? You need to invite your sister. It’s not “self care” to be so brutal, and the fact that you’ve done what other people want for Xmas for many years doesn’t feel like it’s something that should have any bearing on this year, when your sister has been through so much. From your posts it sounds like the amount of live-in caring your sister did (so you didn’t have to) contributed to her relationship breakdown. I really hope you make the right call, but I think you’ll just hang out here til someone else comes and validates what you’re thinking is ok and then ignore everything else.

Not gonna lie, but despite your loss, you are coming across as a right bitch.

You are being very unreasonable here. But you know that really (and don’t care it seems) so not sure what the point is of this thread?

You’ve had a number of family Christmases now, it’s not like you’ll never have a meal with your other family alone again and yet you’re willing to treat your sister like this. You’re also teaching your kids that it’s ok to be exclusionary over Christmas if you want to be selfish-that may come back to bite you one day!

I never normally do this, but I'm thinking that this can't be real. Being flexible with no ties doesn't mean that your sister was duty bound to care for your mother and that it was no problem for her. Caring for someone with dementia is distressing and exhausting and you didn't do any of it, but you're exhausted?

Her choices benefitted you, as you had the peace of mind that your mum was being well cared for by your sister and you didn't need to pay for carers or for residential care.

Your sister sounds absolutely lovely. You, not so much.

An interesting perspective. My husband is one of three and there have been Christmasses when his parents were 'alone'.

Well lucky lucky you.

Unlike your sister, who has made poor choices.

Will you please tell your sister she is welcome at mine.

How sure are you that she really did choose? Even if she did, where did this mean she signed up to doing the majority of care for your mum and to be alone at Christmas.

You set a lot of store by this choice, and you seem certain you'll never be alone at Christmas with 3 kids but you may have a surprise one day.

There's a lot about your mindset i dont understand. You didnt "lose" Christmases when your children were young. You've had 4 as a nuclear family (facilitated by your sister staying with your mum). Surely you have acres of time as a nuclear family anyway. Does she really change the dynamic so much?

I hope your sister goes to a beach on yhe other side of the world and finds a crew of people who make her feel fantastic. You should invite her, but i don't feel confident you'd make her welcome.

Your poor sister, she did the really hard yards, is on her own, happy to stay in a hotel and her sister is still prepared to ditch her.

Talk to her, tell her you're still upset and not wanting a big Christmas this year.

Get her to come down two nights before Christmas, have a nice lunch together. On Christmas Eve, have a lovely, quiet family evening with your husband and kids. Prepare in advance anything you can for Christmas Day to make it easier. Sleep in a little, have brunch with family, swap presents in your jammies. Someone goes to pick your sister up around midday. Have a lovely afternoon and dinner.

You get time with just 'your family' and your sister still gets Christmas. Get on the phone today, call the taxi company and ask now about booking a taxi for Christmas Day.

I always found Christmas Day stressful. My own mother was the cause of a lot of the stress, but I still hosted her every year (she was loved, but still, found a way to cause stress). Secretly, I just enjoyed my lovely Christmas Eve and then put on a smile Christmas Day. As the kids added partners, we see some at breakfast, some at lunch and some at dinner. But, my favourite part is still Christmas Eve, as secretly, that's mine. I once invited friends to join us Christmas Eve, never again, anyone needing somewhere to celebrate can turn up Christmas Day instead.

You need to find a way to plan and enjoy the day. But to leave your sister out, now? Breathtakingly selfish.

But why wouldn't they leave you on your own at Christmas? You resented inviting your own parents and your in-laws and took advantage of Covid to stop inviting them. You are also happy to see your sister spend Christmas on her own so your own kids could very well follow your example and think that leaving someone on their own at Christmas is OK, as is not inviting their parents.

If this isn’t fake or a reverse, I have to say OP, you sound ghastly.

Your sister has done the bulk of the caring for your DM and you are burnt out?

I don’t actually have the words for your selfishness. Let your sister know what you are and tell her she isn’t invited. I imagine she’s knows you’re selfish and self-absorbed already so won’t be surprised.

I hope she has a wonderful Christmas doing lovely things for her.

Which allowed you to have your 'just my family' Christmas without guilt or obligation. Don't you feel any gratitude to your sister for all the care she has given your mum, meaning that you hardly needed to do anything?

OP, imagine how you would be feeling of your roles were reversed………could you face Christmas alone?

Why not restructure things a little……how about just having a running buffet on Christmas Day, prep can be done beforehand and that’ll give you all a relaxing time to spend with DH and the children but still invite your sister, it would be cruel to exclude her imo. However, she might not want to come anyway.

Christmas Day comes with so much pressure for catering and following tradition but what is important is spending time with family and those we love. Take that pressure off OP…….and have a lovely time together.

I'm usually on board with doing whatever feels best for you, but this seems particularly cruel considering the year your sister is having and knowing you would leave her on her own. How does having your sister at your home detract from you being with your husband and children? Would you feel less relaxed or unsettled in some way? If so, I think you need to look at the reasons for that.

I would think seriously about the message this sends your children about how you expect them to treat each other when you're no longer here. Would you OK with one child being left alone because the others preferred to be with their own families?

Maybe your sister resented being responsible for your mother? She did years of hand-on caring for someone with dementia, letting you completely off the hook. You can't even summon up enough gratitude to invite her for Christmas dinner.

Your house, your guests, your choice.

BUT - you are evidently heartless. The fact you left her to it for the last few years - alone with your mother - while you enjoyed your ‘nuclear’ Christmas… I don’t know what you expected from this post other than for people to tell you this.

You’re mimicking the language of a ‘be kind’ woman - I accommodate others, I want this one thing for me - but you quite clearly are not one. You can and should make time for yourself and don’t need to act the hostess/martyr, but I am certain that if you act with the wanton selfishness your posts imply you have, you’ll either regret it when the empathy finally hits you, or when your family realize just who you really are.

Oh but the op worried about her mum. How utterly exhausting for her! Rather like my sister, who ‘checked the phone as soon as she came downstairs in the morning in case anything had happened mum overnight’. Meaning of course, that had mum, me, the hospital or anyone else been phoning her, she’d have been blissfully unaware, sleeping soundly and not undertaking any middle-of-the-night drives not knowing what she was facing. I did those 3am drives, many times. They are very lonely things to do.

The day my sister made that comment, it was in then context of how much her life had changed since our mother died- she no longer had to check her phone the minute she came downstairs. That was the extent of it. My hollow laugh went over her head.

1 sister will be fine @NameChangedforThis3036 . Get the office set up for her to stay so there is no back and forth. What is the pressure on around hosting? Is it cooking, shopping, cost? 1 person won't make very much difference. If your sister has her own space in your house. There won't be so much pressure to there being 'hosted'.

This might be the year to get a lot more pre-prepared stuff Xmas dinner, or have something completely different.