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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not invite my sister for Christmas?

831 replies

NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 02:04

Our mother died in late August of dementia. Our dad died about a decade ago. I have three kids of university age. My sister has no kids as she never really wanted them, and she married a horrible man who had an affair and then left her.

I feel completely and utterly shattered after my mum's illness and death. I long, long, long to have Christmas with just my husband and kids, and no one else. I am dead with exhaustion after this year. Sis did more care, as she had more time, but obvs the whole thing is/was awful for us both.

Would I be unreasonable not to invite my sister for Christmas? She'll be on her own otherwise or have to go to friends, as our parents are gone and she's getting divorced. I know it sounds awful but I'm just so strung out. And I love Christmas just us.

Help!

OP posts:
Lafufufu · 15/09/2025 07:10

I lost all their childhood Christmases since we always took turns - my folks one year, his the next, etc.

I find this absolutely bizarre honestly.
You view them as lost because your mother and father were in the same house watching the kids unwrap gifts with you???

You actually sound incredibly self absorbed and this thread is giving me vague mil vibes ....she makes out everything is for others she allegedly martyred herself for her own mother and children... then you listen to the facts and she did whatever suited her!!! She will also say she never has X and it was always y and shes hard done to. In reality unless every minute thing is on her terms shes the victim and in a sulk saying I never get to do x. Or its always about y never me.

The poll speaks for itself.. although you'll likely be looking at the 9% that say yanbu as dismissing the 91% as not understanding.
You have 360+ days to do whatever the fuck you want leaving your sister alone is a totally shit thing to do particularly given how decent she sounds from your own description...

damemaggiescurledupperlip · 15/09/2025 07:10

To paraphrase Lady Edith, one day there will only be the two of you who remember your mum as she was through the years. Do you want to risk losing the only other person who shares those memories?

PigglyWigglyOhYeah · 15/09/2025 07:10

The selfishness and unkindness of people never ceases to astonish me. Stop being so bloody self-indulgent, OP, and do the decent thing. After all, you’ve managed to wriggle out of looking after your mother, the least you can do is give your sister - who will be alone and grieving - a turkey dinner and some company.

augustalready25 · 15/09/2025 07:11

The break between Christmas and NY is long. Why not arrange a second, family only day.

thepariscrimefiles · 15/09/2025 07:11

BruFord · 15/09/2025 04:31

Has your sister ever hosted Christmas, OP?

Show quote history

Her sister hosted their mum for Christmas for the previous five years so that OP could have Christmas with 'her little family'.

musicinme · 15/09/2025 07:11

Heartless and cruel. Your poor sister.

Barnbrack · 15/09/2025 07:11

She did more of the care, she's alone and she can't come for a meal? Horrific attitude

nosleepforme · 15/09/2025 07:11

NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 03:08

She lives about 100 miles away and doesn't drive.

I don't feel I'm responsible for her lack of family. She didn't want kids. If she was that bothered about a family, she could have had them.

We get on fine. She's pretty forgiving. I've just always been more into my own family than my original family.

You don’t sound very kind or compassionate. I couldn’t imagine speaking about family this way, it comes across mean

BellissimoGecko · 15/09/2025 07:13

Bloody hell. It ‘made more sense’ for her to look after and nurse your dying mother because she ‘had more time’? Just because she doesn’t have ADULT children??

Your poor sister - not just because she’s had a horrendously stressful year, but because she has you for a sister.

You sound absolutely heartless, critical of your sister, controlling of your children, and an absolute bitch.

You should be alone at Xmas.

Allthings · 15/09/2025 07:13

I am left speechless on so many levels, but am not going to waste anymore time saying why beyond karma has a way of catching up.

Sugargliderwombat · 15/09/2025 07:14

Your assume you will always get an invite from your kids, however, maybe she always assumed she would have an invite from her sister? There's not some law about children being a guarantee and noone else. If your sister had died would you have left your mum alone for Christmas? When all your children are married they may want to have a nuclear Christmas at home too? That won't include you?

I feel for you but I think celebrating without her is pretty awful and I think... Could you REALLY enjoy the day knowing she was alone?

Barnbrack · 15/09/2025 07:14

NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 03:14

For most of my married life, I had to have my parents or my ILs. Sis and I always took turns hosting our parents until the pandemic, and since 2020 I've been able to have it just us, and I don't want to go back. We get on fine, I just want Christmas to be just us.

Show quote history

So this sister cared for your dying mum

Took on all Christmas hosting for 5 years which helped you out

Is now alone on the world and grieving and you're like 'not my problem?' that poor woman

Sugargliderwombat · 15/09/2025 07:15

Also, I think you owe it to your sister for doing all that care. Worrying about someone is not offering care.

JTay14 · 15/09/2025 07:16

NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 05:10

She could, that's true. He's not coming here though.

Show quote history

Wow, you are totally selfish AND controlling - no one else, or their opinion, matters except yours
Knowing their aunt is alone on Christmas Day will ruin it for your children

Barnbrack · 15/09/2025 07:18

BellissimoGecko · 15/09/2025 07:13

Bloody hell. It ‘made more sense’ for her to look after and nurse your dying mother because she ‘had more time’? Just because she doesn’t have ADULT children??

Your poor sister - not just because she’s had a horrendously stressful year, but because she has you for a sister.

You sound absolutely heartless, critical of your sister, controlling of your children, and an absolute bitch.

You should be alone at Xmas.

Yep awful isn't it? I lost my mum when I was 30 and running my own new business which failed due to me taking on a huge amount of care because I loved in another country so started spending half my week in each country for several months. I'd do it again in a heartbeat to have those extra hours with my mum.

My brother had a small child at the time and he and his wife who lived right by my mum did everything they could to avoid any inconvenience from our dying mum. Using the baby as their excuse. I have 2 kids now and if my husband's mum was terminally ill I'd be disgusted with us if he couldn't be there regularly given she's half an hour away.

Anyway, hideous post and I feel like I need to call my remaining childless sister. We fight over her at Christmas and other events by the way. The woman sometimes takes herself abroad over Christmas because she's sick to death of us all trying to feed her turkey and force her into festivities. The idea that we'd leave her to flounder because she's currently single and childless is mind boggling to me.

Romeiswheretheheartis · 15/09/2025 07:19

PussInBin20 · 15/09/2025 04:50

Don’t be silly. It’s Xmas and people like to celebrate with a drink 🙄

Show quote history

So an alcoholic drink is more important than family?

TorroFerney · 15/09/2025 07:19

TipsyCoralOtter · 15/09/2025 03:00

So you've left her to do the brunt work of caring for your mum, and now, at a time where she is likely feeling immense grief and loneliness, you want to leave her out because it's inconvenient for you. Did you ever think about how much you leaving it all to your sister might have burnt her out?

You don't have to host a six course dinner but at least making sure she's not on her own after she's done so much for you (by taking on caregiving duties) is surely the least you can do to thank her.

No, sister chose to do that. There’s nothing in the parent child contract that says you’ve got to care for a parent. Op hasn’t left her sister to do anything.

Purrpurrpurr · 15/09/2025 07:19

What jumped out in your first post was you saying your sister did more care as ‘she had more time’. She didn’t - but convenient for you to claim this as the truth is you just think her time, her life, is of less value than yours. Astonishing that you believe you are ‘hot on personal responsibility’.

BellissimoGecko · 15/09/2025 07:20

NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 03:31

She works full-time from home as a daily newspaper reporter on a foreign desk, so her hours are late. But it's remote. It made sense for her to care for our mum since she is flexible and has no ties.

I'm fine with her life, I just feel that we are all responsible for our own choices and hers was not to have a family of her own. Yes, she has friends and a community, but she left them for months at a time to help Mum.

Show quote history

You’re ’fine with her life’? Big of you. 🙄

and of course she left her friends and community - she moved in with your mum to look after her!

You sound really selfish and un-self-aware.

And make up your mind. in one post you say that you were forced into family Xmases when your dc were small, but in another you say that you ‘insisted’ you stayed at your own house’ - so which is true? They can’t both be true.

Cucy · 15/09/2025 07:20

If my sister cared for my dying mum, I would literally be begging her to come to mine for Xmas.

Its one person and I can’t see how she’ll change the dynamic so much that you don’t want her there.
Even if it did, I would suck it up this one year.

I wonder if you are jealous of her.
Nothing else would explain your behaviour.

Omeara · 15/09/2025 07:20

Your poor sister. You have no comprehension, even after being told by many posters, as to how awful your attitude is.

If my Mum was intending to do this to my Aunt, especially given the hellish year she’d had, I would go and spend Christmas with my Aunt instead. It would really make me think less of you.

IamnotSethRogan · 15/09/2025 07:20

NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 03:50

With three kids, I really don't think I'm ever going to be alone at Christmas.

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Maybe they'll all start practicing "self care"

thepariscrimefiles · 15/09/2025 07:21

NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 05:17

I wonder about ND because I don't see this as the problem everyone else does.

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You're probably not ND but I do think that you might have a personality disorder as you are completely lacking in empathy and kindness. You have the traits and the behaviour a sociopath or even a psychopath.

EatMoreChocolate44 · 15/09/2025 07:22

Are you not incredibly grateful that your sister moved in and helped your mum. What a sacrifice and amazing of her which absolved you of the responsibility. I really can't understand your mindset. It sounds like you have had the last few Christmas' without hosting. I'm sorry OP it would be very unkind not to include her. She put your mum first, I think you should put her first. It doesn't even sound like a hardship. She sounds lovely and not intrusive in any way.

SunnyKoala · 15/09/2025 07:22

You're very honest.

I do think you need to care for your sister though and to want to do that. Watching someone die is a new level of trauma and the minute by minute trying to make things better for an Iil loved one. You are completely bereft and adrift for so long afterwards. She cared for your mum and now you need to care for her.

Obviously you understand this though otherwise you wouldn't be asking. I'm not sure why you are having a weird blip and focusing on Xmas ....becoming the next generation to die and feeling the shortness of time is hard to deal with, but I think this reaction is just that , and you would feel better if you do the right thing for everyone (including an example for your kids of how to deal with this stage of life).