Brother rang up swearing at me after I have been dog sitting for him

[Jolenepleasetakeawaymyman]

Sorry I really need to rant and also check I am not the one being unreasonable.

I will try to be as concise as possible and include the key details. At the moment I am not working for a whole host of reasons and living off savings and a small rental income. I have two secondary age kids one has some behavoral issues and the other has processing difficulties. I am doing my best to support them both as a single parent having left an abusive marriage.

My brother works full time and is older than I am by several years. His dc is at university and lives with him. She persuaded him to get a dog despite both of them being out of the house long hours and her having an active social life. The assumption was that my parents would go round and look after the dog. However they are both very elderly and have had some recent health issues. To help out I offered to do as many times a week as I could. Thought all was fine, go and feed the dog, let it out and then wait for a couple of hours to play with it and give it some company.

This weekend we were asked to do the dog. I said I would but would need to take my youngest son and would be a bit later as he had some activities but I would do both days. No problem - rushed to get there and spent time to look after the dog including picking up mess from the garden. Son went to watch tv. He made his own profile on their Netflix. Didn't think much about it.

Came home had dinner - all seemed fine. Then in the evening I get a call from my brother. He is shouting and swearing at me saying my son has changed his Netflix password. I was so shocked I started apologising and went to ask my son if he had. He said no he only created a profile. I said I believed him and said I don't think he did. He was still cussing and swearing at me the whole time. I came off the phone in shock. It triggered a lot of the feelings I had in my relationship when my ex would blow up for no reason.

Apparently his daughter had been on the phone complaining she could not login to Netflix abroad. But we had done nothing to his account. And even if my son had by accident changed something I don't think it needed him to shout and swear at me telling me not to touch anything in the fing house etc. I was doing him a favour! I was spending my time on a regular basis looking after his dog! I don't have a dog of my own due to not living in my own house right now and not being sure I can guarentee the time once I am able to work again. He took a dog on knowing he wasn't at home. And I was happy to help! Also I don't think you can even change a netflix password on the TV and if he did somehow manage to wouldn't the account holder get an email telling them this.

I sent a message to him saying it was better if I did not dog sit again and I would only go into his house from now on when he was there in order to avoid touching anything myself or my kids.

He sent a very short message telling me okay he should not have spoken to me like this. I accepted the apology but said I would not be dog sitting any more. This means my parents will now have to do it. Around the same time he phoned me my mother got a message from his daughter saying she had seen on face time that someone had pulled up one of her plants. She very passively aggressively told her that she was very upset and took a long time to calm down. Instructing her in future not to touch any plants etc. My mum had pulled up the plant as the dog was trying to eat it and it was poisonous to dogs. Again someone doing them a favour and being told off like a very naughty child for trying to help.

I am really angry today. I also feel guilty as I don't want the dog to be left alone but I don't want to go in the house either in case I damage or do something and get told off again!. Also my elderly parents will now have to go over most days to look after the dog which is a big stress on them. I don't want to come between my brother and my parents as they are very close to him. But part of me wants to tell them to say get a professional dog sitter and sort it out yourself.

So am I being unreasonable to not look after the dog anymore and to be angry with my brother and niece. Should I just accept it and continue to help out. I feel they don't actually want me in their house or my kids so I don't even know if they want me to help out.

Or am I reasonable and my brother was out of order in how he treated me and my son?

You have enough on your plate and it's his dog. I know you did say you would look after him but honestly, as a single parent, I wouldnt be taking on the responsibility of the dog. I would just let everything blow over and tell him that you aren't in a position to mind him. On the Netflix side of things, 12 year olds will do those kind of things. You could apologise to your brother for not keeping a better eye on your son and keep him away from his netflix account again but I wouldn't worry too much. His reaction was OTT, but look people can have a bad day and as long as it's not a regular thing, I would just tell him there's no need to shout/swear

I just wanted to add that your brother is totally out of order. Our nephews and nieces have all created their own Netflix profiles on our TV. It’s much safer than watching via an adult profile, for starters. Also, it’s no big deal if your son started to take the food as soon as it came out. We would never treat our nephews and nieces the way he did. I hope these new boundaries you’ve created will help. 💐

A dog sitter will cost him a hell of a lot more than a carton of orange juice.

I'm sorry, OP. Your brother has been abusive to you and to your son. Neither Netflix, nor being the older adult sibling, nor juice justify shouting at somebody.

His daughter has a big spoon. Someone needs to take it off her cos he won't.

I don’t think you or your parents should be looking after his dog. It’s one thing if someone goes on holiday and they need help but not on a regular basis, particularly when it doesn’t seem there is even the slightest bit of appreciation. They want the fun of the dog without actually adjusting their lives to care for it. Can’t see the problem re your son setting up a profile, wouldn’t be a thing to be bothered about with my siblings. While I can accept others may take a different view on that, his reaction was disproportionate.

@Jolenepleasetakeawaymyman you are definitely not being unreasonable.

Why can’t he pay someone to go and feed his dog? It’s unfair to expect you and your parents to do it.

Your brother needs to sort out his anger issues. What a twat.

Your niece needs to read the screen. Netflix will have asked to to say she was temporarily travelling. What an entitled brat.

No more favours.

Exactly this - and so what if he messes with Naziflix? If he changed every password in the horse, it doesn't deserve being verbally abused and made to feel unsafe.

Your brother is horrid and your niece is a chip off the old block.

Tell him to pay for a dog sitter or send it to doggy day care.

Next time anyone roars at you, feel free to end the call. No one has to take abuse, ever and not for such a small issue ffs. Drama lamas much. Hell would freeze over before I would do anything for that asshole again. Regardless of the issue its a simple reset of password, no one died. Sweet baby Jesus, has he nothing else to worry about, and tell you Mother not to touch anything in the garden again, not their issue what happens to the poor dog

I'd be really p'd off if I sat down to watch netflix & my algorithms had been messed with & it was wall to wall kids programs. I think your son was spot on to make a profile, it's easy to just delete it & there is zero harm done.
Your db is very ungrateful

You are doing the right thing, OP. You can't change their relationship, only protect your own boundaries. If it wasn't the dog, there would be some other way they were running around after him without a word of thanks.

I’m sorry but your brother and his daughter are piss takers. Your parents should also stop doing him favours - he should rehome the dog (clearly his lifestyle isn’t suitable) or pay for doggy day care like others have to.

I don’t see the big deal of your son creating a profile - it’s a bloody Netflix!! They are clearly people who want everything done the way they want it without paying. Time to put your foot down - can’t be dealing with petty arseholes like this!!

Thank you @KatSlayMoon you made me laugh out with your comparison.

Not sure if people are interested but I have an update.

No contact from my brother to me over the last two days. My mum saw to the dog on Sunday (yesterday). Today my brother was off work and my mum thought he would come in person to apologize to me. He didn't and to be honest I never thought he would. My mum phoned him this evening to say she was surprised he had not apologized in person.

I wish she hadn't because I could have told her it would not end well. He said he had already apologized. (A short message saying he was sorry for speaking to me like that but he was stressed.). He continued to say we had messed up netflix and changed the password because his daughter could not login. He told my mum he does not watch it and it is only for her! My mum told him about his daughter's rude message but he ignored this and said it was my son's fault for playing with the Netflix. If he had not used it and added his profile non of this would have happened!!!! What him loosing his temper is down to a 12 year old adding a Netflix profile? He then said to my mum well I didn't swear at her as in he did not call me a c*t or a f*er. He had just used swear words. Um he told me he was fing ped off and kept repeating the f word whilst shouting at me! But in his words this is okay as he did not swear at me!!!!

He told my mum not to do the dog this week and also not to go round to pass over some keys to a workman who was coming in. The workman was coming in later in the week when his daughter was back but was coming early about 7am. As she would still be in bed he had asked my parents to go round to open the door as the daughter said she would not be able to wake up and would just throw the key out the window!!!

He then told my mum we all need to move on other wise this would split the family!!!

My mum is now really sad and I am feeling guilty but non of this is on me. I said to mum I would be polite for hersake.

Your brother sounds unhinged. Is there anything else going off in his life or is he just naturally nasty?
Sorry but its a massive over reaction. You can easily reset the password via email. His daughter shouldn't be using his account anyway and pay for her own?

Definitely dont do him any more favours, just stay civil at the lowest possible standard.

This is all so sad, OP I'm really pleased you are doing the freedom program. It sounds like you have grown up being taught that you were not as important as your brother, otherwise you wouldn't have just kept listening while he was swearing at you.
You are worth as much as anyone else, and you can hang up on anyone who treats you like that.
You don't have to take it.
I'm hoping that you are beginning to see that now. And I hope your son also knows that the way his uncle treated him was very wrong, and that you are both keeping away from him as much as possible now.
Your parents have enabled his behaviour all his life and I doubt if they can change now. His string of failed relationships tells its own story, right down to blaming his ex's for the failures. Never his fault, eh.

OP this is ridiculous. Why is your whole family facilitating this man’s life? When did this behaviour begin because it’s not normal. I have a FT job, pets and responsibilities and at no point would I ever expect two generations of my family to run around after me!

Why have you and your mum accepted this behaviour for so long? He sounds like a misogynistic arsehole.

Maybe spend ten minutes doing a rough calculation of the amount of time in hours/days/weeks you have spent running around after this man and his dog in the last few years and think what you could have done with that time. That is your time and you deserve to have it. The past is the past but you need to break this pattern now. Also think about the example you are setting your son in your response to this. You are showing him that bullies should not be placated and that his mum deserves respect. Stick to your guns.

It’s not like a new Netflix profile would cost anything- it’s what teens do these days- all mine watch is Netflix or you tube now- would never just watch terrestrial tv so there really isn’t an issue with that. The brother didn’t even have an issue with that and as has been established no way could have changed passwords - likely daughter couldn’t log in at same time or not set up to use abroad. She sounds like a complete spoilt brat who has her dad wrapped around her little finger- getting a dog in the first place, going mad at her elderly grandma.

i’d go low contact and keep well clear, after telling them they need to get a proper dog sitter.

Your brother is rude and entitled. Please don’t back down this is an important lesson in ‘don’t bite the hand that feeds you!’

Thank you for the replies to my update. What has really shocked me is that I feel he has basically threatened my mum by saying we need to move on or it will split the family.

He also said he would not choose between his daughter and the rest of us. But no one has asked him to? He is the one making this go nuclear now!!

No one has said we should never talk again. He is the one who has been nasty!

He also said 'well I learnt from my father because he used to scream and shout when I was young'. So nothing is his fault.

All the years my parents have made excuses for him and been oh he is the victim he is so nice and such a good man I really am questioning this.

He was always allowed girlfriends to stay over when he was a teenager where as I was never even allowed my regular boyfriend to stay over at 21years old. We also have an older sister who is very low contact with him. She has said things in the past about my parents making excuses for him now I see the truth as everyone always made out she was the problem!!!

One incident from years ago sticks in my mind. We went to a family event many miles away. I was single at the time and booked a family room with my sister and her kids to share the cost. My parents booked a double room in the same b and b. Sister and I went to the b and b booked in and got parents keys for them for later. Went to event and gave parents their keys. Brother turns up at event. He was meant to be staying at another relatives house on their sofa bed with two of his kid. (not the daughter I have mentioned now. She wasn't born yet.). He turns up at the even with his kids and new girlfriend in tow. Leaves the kids with my mum and dad and asked if he can use their room to change in. Him and girlfriend disappear to the b and b for several hours. Mum and Dad look after kids. They return to the party. Lets just say parents now would not want to sleep in the bed back in their b and b. In the evening brother and his girlfriend go back to the b and b without the kids. Parents end up sleeping on the sofa bed at relatives house with two very tearful and upset kids. One of whom it turned out had chickenpox that was still not fully scabbed over.

In the morning sister and I come down to breakfast and brother and girlfriend are enjoying a full English. My parents never said a word. Sister and I were shocked. He never paid them for the room. If I or my sister had done this my parents would have gone mad and we would never have lived it down.

Oh well I am seeing clearly now.

Not that this is the point, but I think you said your niece is abroad...she may not be able to access it from abroad if they have reached maximum devices.

That being said... Even IF your son changed it "by accident", that's not a reason to complain/blow up about it. Just change it back. Especially when someone is doing you a favour.

Sounds like everyone panders to your brother and his daughter now feels she deserves the same treatment.c

Your brother is awful and enabled by your parents.

It sounds like he wants everyone to move so he can demand you dogsit again!

I think your plan to be polite shouold you see him somewhere in good, but please don’t resume the favours like dog sitting! He sees you as an unpaid skivvy, and your son as the skivvy’s son who dared to touch the master’s things!

Totally disagree with posters saying he shouldn’t have set up a profile. It’s way way more annoying if someone uses your profile to watch something of theirs, because then that programme and suggestions for other programmes like it appear on your profile. It changes your algorithm and this is really annoying especially if it’s a child who’s done it. Also, you can only get all the child content if you use a child profile.

Your brother is awful and enabled by your parents.

Yup.

I wouldn't be feeling too sorry for them tbh.