Brother rang up swearing at me after I have been dog sitting for him

[Jolenepleasetakeawaymyman]

Sorry I really need to rant and also check I am not the one being unreasonable.

I will try to be as concise as possible and include the key details. At the moment I am not working for a whole host of reasons and living off savings and a small rental income. I have two secondary age kids one has some behavoral issues and the other has processing difficulties. I am doing my best to support them both as a single parent having left an abusive marriage.

My brother works full time and is older than I am by several years. His dc is at university and lives with him. She persuaded him to get a dog despite both of them being out of the house long hours and her having an active social life. The assumption was that my parents would go round and look after the dog. However they are both very elderly and have had some recent health issues. To help out I offered to do as many times a week as I could. Thought all was fine, go and feed the dog, let it out and then wait for a couple of hours to play with it and give it some company.

This weekend we were asked to do the dog. I said I would but would need to take my youngest son and would be a bit later as he had some activities but I would do both days. No problem - rushed to get there and spent time to look after the dog including picking up mess from the garden. Son went to watch tv. He made his own profile on their Netflix. Didn't think much about it.

Came home had dinner - all seemed fine. Then in the evening I get a call from my brother. He is shouting and swearing at me saying my son has changed his Netflix password. I was so shocked I started apologising and went to ask my son if he had. He said no he only created a profile. I said I believed him and said I don't think he did. He was still cussing and swearing at me the whole time. I came off the phone in shock. It triggered a lot of the feelings I had in my relationship when my ex would blow up for no reason.

Apparently his daughter had been on the phone complaining she could not login to Netflix abroad. But we had done nothing to his account. And even if my son had by accident changed something I don't think it needed him to shout and swear at me telling me not to touch anything in the fing house etc. I was doing him a favour! I was spending my time on a regular basis looking after his dog! I don't have a dog of my own due to not living in my own house right now and not being sure I can guarentee the time once I am able to work again. He took a dog on knowing he wasn't at home. And I was happy to help! Also I don't think you can even change a netflix password on the TV and if he did somehow manage to wouldn't the account holder get an email telling them this.

I sent a message to him saying it was better if I did not dog sit again and I would only go into his house from now on when he was there in order to avoid touching anything myself or my kids.

He sent a very short message telling me okay he should not have spoken to me like this. I accepted the apology but said I would not be dog sitting any more. This means my parents will now have to do it. Around the same time he phoned me my mother got a message from his daughter saying she had seen on face time that someone had pulled up one of her plants. She very passively aggressively told her that she was very upset and took a long time to calm down. Instructing her in future not to touch any plants etc. My mum had pulled up the plant as the dog was trying to eat it and it was poisonous to dogs. Again someone doing them a favour and being told off like a very naughty child for trying to help.

I am really angry today. I also feel guilty as I don't want the dog to be left alone but I don't want to go in the house either in case I damage or do something and get told off again!. Also my elderly parents will now have to go over most days to look after the dog which is a big stress on them. I don't want to come between my brother and my parents as they are very close to him. But part of me wants to tell them to say get a professional dog sitter and sort it out yourself.

So am I being unreasonable to not look after the dog anymore and to be angry with my brother and niece. Should I just accept it and continue to help out. I feel they don't actually want me in their house or my kids so I don't even know if they want me to help out.

Or am I reasonable and my brother was out of order in how he treated me and my son?

I don’t think it’s bad at ALL. In fact, I think your son did the ‘polite’ thing to create a profile - that way he doesn’t mess up their algorithm with his own 12-year-old programme choices or change their episode position. It’s modern-day good etiquette.

We have a separate profile called ‘Guest’ on our Netflix for exactly that reason - so that visitors, babysitters etc can watch what they like. We don’t ‘instruct’ anyone to use this profile by the way; but they invariably do. it’s a win/win.

My brother used to have our little sister look after his dogs when she was a teen and he was working late nights. He'd give her money for a taxi and a takeaway and then complain she never gave him the change (which must have been pennies), when she was looking after his dogs most of a day and night! Think he loves his dogs that much he thinks of it as a but of a treat for other people to be blessed with their furry presence, and the joys of picking up dog crap!

Sounds similar to yours though yours is worse, it probably happened that creating an extra profile meant the account had hit its limit so his daughter couldn't log in overseas but that's the definition of a first world problem. She can moan to him but that's where it should have stopped.

Both DB and DN sound like a pair of rude ungrateful twats.

Bring the dog to live with you, and invite them to walk it if/when they're free, if you want to. Meet them at the gate with the lead and ball.

Yes. I think that if you and your parents stand firm and stay stepped back from his problems, that he will be forced to adopt one of those options. above.

He will then see that the dog is a responsibility and not something he can' just offload.

You need to put your son, yourself and to some extent your parents as your priority If you have any doubts/evidence about the dog's care, report DB to the RSPCA

Your brother is old enough and nasty enough to look after himself and his own concerns from now on.

Your brother is an ungrateful wretch. So sorry. I’d stay out of it from here on. Your parents are adults—they can say no. (Poor dog, though)

Please keep the boundaries you have set. They are so easily dropped by people who feel bad for having them. You are not responsible if your parents do more because you aren’t there. You can’t make them have boundaries.

I don't understand all the anger about Netflix, I think these people don’t understand how it works or are shit people to be close to. If someone popped over for a cuppa and started setting up a profile that would be weird. You are not someone, you are family doing them yet another huge favour. You were spending so much time doing stuff for him and he begrudged your son a Netflix profile and a glass of juice. I’m so grateful to my sisters for pet sitting for me. They spent a lot of time in my home. The message was to please help themselves, stay over if you want, enjoy the garden (they don’t have one) eat / drink what you like. They set up a profile for themselves on Netflix and always leave us a little message or add pictures and things to our fridge calendar. We love it.

As a pp said, concentrate on you and DS and enriching your lives. If your DS loves dogs and you can’t have one you might be able to find a friend or neighbour and borrow their dog for walks etc. When I was at school I had a friend who did this.

Even if your DS had done something wrong your brother acted horrendously. His “bloody daughter” seems to be a big problem and maybe not fallen far from the rotting tree. Stop giving either of them any of you or your time, they don’t deserve you. Try not to let your empathy for the poor dog break your new boundaries.

Your brother is an ungrateful dickhead. He cussed his nephew out for making a Netflix profile when you’re doing him a massive favour?
let him pay someone to walk/watch HIS dog-which is in no way yours or your parents responsibility btw. Sorry he was so unpleasant when you were helping him. ❤️

No.
HTH

This! My 8 year old DS’s little friend did one. Cute!

It's his young nephew who just wanted to save a few kids programmes to his own profile rather than someone else! Would those of you demonising the kid for it really be that hostile to your own family who are doing you a favour? Why is rude for him to just have his own place to start stuff he can watch whilst at his uncles!

Even if it was your 12 yo nephew whose mother was doing you a huge and ongoing favour.

I find the focus on Netflix completely batshit. The profile can be deleted, it's just a TV channel!

I wouldn't take advantage the way OP's brother has, in the first instance, but I would prefer a quick 'can I add a profile?' if someone was in my house. It's quite simple. HTH

It's not bad or a big deal to add a profile if there are a few spaces left - especially by someone who is doing a 'free' massive favour for them constantly. I think most of us would think that was an odd thing to get worked up about.

OP you sound lovely and so helpful x

I will always follow Netflix's instructions rather than someone else's opinion. Opinions don't always help when it's written clearly in the instructions. HTH

The profile can easily be deleted. HTH

I honestly have no idea what you are rambling on about tbh, just please stop tagging me. I disagreed with one of your points, ages ago, and you are still tagging me and insulting me and going on and on. I won't be reading anything else. Write as many silly comments as you like, they might end up deleted like the last two!

(Edited to spell write properly, because my tired brain cannot take any more of the rambling directed at me. HTH)

I'd have done the same as you. Accept the apology, but know that hell will freeze over before I'd help with the dog again. I'd probably be telling the aged parents to say the same thing.

Similar happened to me a few years back.

I lived in a flat at the time, fine and dandy, but really not dog-suitable. Best friend asked if I'd have their elderly, very gentle dog for 24 hours while they went to a family party some hours away. I wasn't super-keen but said yes.
She told me they'd drop him off at lunchtime, and pick him up the following lunch time.

Anyway, the day comes, and the doorbell rings at 9am. It's friend and dog, "we're dropping him off now because your house is on the way to DSs gymnastics lesson." 9am isn't lunchtime by anyone's book.
The next day, 1pm I text asking if they're nearly back. Get a reply that they're just leaving the party location now... In other words, 2+ hours away.
I text at 3... "We're just stopped at the services..."
I text at 4... "We're at home just having something to eat..." GIRL, you'd have had to practically drive past my flat on the way back to yours!
4:30 she rocks up, DD in tow, brandishing a bunch of flowers. Couldn't be cross in-front of the kid. But again, not lunch time.

Needless to say, although there have been a few hints over the years, I've NEVER offered to dog-sit for them since. She blew it by taking the piss.

(Edited to spell write properly, because my tired brain cannot take any more of the rambling directed at me. HTH)

@GleisZwei Have a break from the internet. You're the one telling posters who make sense "HTH". Op brother and niece are now going to abuse their mother/grandmother. What you are posting won't help her all she can do is do as she is told. Arguing over Netflix is so trivial and pointless that it has now made you tired. The brother and his daughter will continue to stamp their feet and abuse everyone in the family. It doesn't help.

Yeah, following your updates you've done the right thing. I think it's very low level interaction or preferably non at all with your brother and possibly low contact with your parents. They caused this monster! Perhaps interact with your sister? Basically he is abusive and you don't have to take it. I also hate anyone who dramatically declares do what I want or you split the family up. The family is already split! Also you are an adult with your own shit going on, you don't need this or in reality a sub optimal family dynamic. Let yourself move beyond them you will feel better in the long run.

Dog sitting can definitely come with challenges, years ago I had a friend who had a rottie and she asked if we'd dog sit her a couple times whilst she and her partner had weekends away. The problem was that they got her as a pup and you can't house train a pup properly if you are both out at work all day.

When we got the dog, she just wouldn't go to toilet! No matter how many times she was walked or let in the garden, she wouldn't go! Age would finally do it all on our kitchen floor or hall carpet overnight on the second night when she couldn't hold it in anymore. My friend said she had the same issue because the dog associated going to the toilet with puppy mats on my friends kitchen floor! So we had to stop looking after her as we also felt worried for her health to see her holding it in for so long.

Absolutely agree with other PP’s. He’s a nasty piece of work, and a massive CF, his daughter too! Ungrateful wankers.

Defo create/hold those boundaries. Your parents really need to too!! While having a purpose can help them keep going when getting older, this doesn’t sound right, and he’s an entitled, spoilt brat!!

With family like this, no wonder you got caught up in an abusive marriage, OP!!

No/minimal contact with the lot of them, I’d suggest.

Really glad you’re doing the Freedom Programme soon. That should really help!

Good luck!

Your parents have created the exact right situation for him to learn that he could act like a CF and it was ok.
So I’d be very careful to say ‘he is now bullying her parents. Oh poor them’.

Theyve chosen to forgive his awful attitude repeatedly. History shows that. They’ll forgive him again until it reaches the point where they can’t physically do the stuff he is asking for. (Like asking them to be up at 7.00am because it’s impossible to disturb his dd. WTF).

The best you can do is ensure you still have a relationship with your parents (if you want to).
I’d reach out to your older sister too. I’m sure she’ll appreciate knowing you see things like she does. And that she now has support in the family!
And very LC sounds bliss tbh.