To be angry with DH for not coming home?

[Coffeeoftheworld]

DH is on a 3 week work trip in Australia, he’s been out there for a week and has 2 more weeks to go. Our DD was admitted to hospital on Friday and DH is refusing to come home to see DD in hospital. He is just saying he “can’t abandon work” and that his boss will be “unhappy” with him if he comes home early. AIBU to he angry with DH for not coming home? DD is asking for him in hospital too and is really ill. I travel for work too sometimes but I would absolutely come home immediately if DD had been taken in to hospital whilst I was away, no matter how unhappy my boss would be with me for coming home. The most that DH has said is to send him “updates” on how DD gets on in hospital. I feel like he doesn’t care about her, he’s always been such a good husband and such a good dad but this makes me feel like he doesn’t care. He also won’t FaceTime her because of “the time difference” between the UK and Australia!

I would stop communicating with him now.

No texts or messages. No calls.

The only message or call I would reply to is if he's ringing to actually speak to or ft your DD.

The fact that there's definitely a decent window of time where he could call or ft and still get his rest (FFS!) would make me wonder what the actual real reason is.

Where is he staying, what is his accommodation set up?

As with others, I can understand not flying back from Australia for a known condition.

The not video calling is a massive red flag, and judging by your trusting nature op, he knows you won't question him.

There is absolutely zero reason, he can not pick up the phone to call his child in hospital.

Sorry op

“You will FaceTime our daughter now, or you will find your belongings on the street when you get home”

I wouldn’t expect him to fly back from Australia unless she was in a critical condition, but no direct contact is appalling.

But they also don’t want to get caught having the affair. Much like women who have affairs.

Not necessarily.

Even if he's not cheating, there is NO good reason for him to refuse to FaceTime his 7yo while she's in the hospital.

OP I take it you DH has a really really important job that requires loads of rest so he is on top form. Otherwise I can’t understand at all I have clients in Australia and we manage to schedule meetings so the time difference is a huge red herring.

I also have a DH who has always travelled as part of his job and who doesn’t call daily as this was not possible in the early days and so is not how we operate. However if/when any of the DC were unwell or just needed him he would make himself available at the earliest opportunity.

I can’t say whether he would have come home in this instance as I don’t have all the facts

Some do as it gives them an easy "out".

I'm in agreement with pps, OP - it's one thing not to travel, but he could at least face time her. That seems really off.

Ok this is utterly woeful. I would be furious about this aspect in particular. Does he not even want to support her / you??

The not coming back from Oz I can sort of understand, if he's of the belief that your DD will be out soon and nothing would really change by him being present. BUT, there is absolutely no excuse he can't call/face time. The time difference is only as much of an issue as he wants to make it. I don't think I could get past him placing his beauty sleep above the needs of his sick child and frantically worried and stressed wife needing to speak to him. What is he like when he is home? Does he help with the kids, meaningfully engage with family life etc?

I think your husband is wrong to not make the effort for a phone call or FaceTime but, given the details you’ve given of your daughter’s condition, I think you’re being incredibly unreasonable expecting him to come back from Australia.

Unless he’s working 18 hour shifts down an opal mine that is appalling. Has he been to Australia with work before?

I have experience with children with life threatening chronic and acute conditions and I have to say that where “flare ups” or significant changes, or whatever terminology is relevant in particular circumstances, are stable, non-life threatening and no immediate decisions must be made, I wouldn’t expect someone to travel that distance, particularly when the child is expected to be out of hospital within a week. Seems a bit odd that he doesn’t want to speak to his child, though you didn’t mention that in your first post. Was that his only reason?

If my husband didn’t leave whatever he was doing to join me in one of the children’s medical emergencies I would divorce him . No 2 ways about it . If he was to become ill I would be by his side , and I expect the same from him towards myself and the children .

As she's also got a three year old that she has had to ask a friend to look after and OP has had to tell her boss that she can't come into work, it's hardly 'incredibly unreasonable' for her to ask whether it is possible for him to fly back. His daughter is asking for him, and OP has said that the reason for her hospital admission is serious, even if it is related to an existing chronic condition.

His refusal to Face Time his poorly daughter is unbelievably shit.

I’d be pissed off at the refusal to FaceTime because that’s selfish.

But admits a chronic condition I’m guessing you made the decision to have jobs that take you abroad knowing her health is risky so would understand why he isn’t rushing home.

I would expect him to be flexible with that changing if the prognosis changes though.

This does not add up at all. What father does this? I don’t care how tired he is, I would be on the phone constantly wanting updates, you just do it if one of your children is admitted to hospital. Is he staying in a hotel OP? If so then I would phone the hotel and ask to be put through to his room.

I don’t think we’re quite getting the full picture from OP. I can only presume the chronic condition and hospital stays are something that are now well known and commonplace to the family and the DHs supposed indifference is mainly due to having seen this before many times. So business as usual for him.
Would still expect a FaceTime or calls to his kids, but then I would expect them anyway even without an illness and hospital stay? So still a bit odd.

He would be coming home to divorce papers if I was married to him.

At the very least he should want to come home and to be in regular contact every day to FaceTime with your daughter. It's outrageous that he won't FaceTime her. I can understand if he couldn't come home - though I'd expect his boss to agree to him coming home - but the desire to be there, to talk to you all, to care for you all, should be there and it just isn't.

I couldn't get past that.

He’s an utterly selfish man and shit dad

The not coming home I can sort of understand, but wow not FaceTiming his poorly child is appalling.
I’m afraid it would be the end for me treating my DD like that.

The fact he needs to "rest" rather than facetime his sick daughter tells you all you need to know. How selfish of him 😡

Well something dodgy is going on, isn’t it? Affair out there?

I don’t know, rather than cheating my first thought is he’s a typical man who puts his head in the sand when problems come along and wants to pretend it isn’t happening.

Classic MN. Must be something “dodgy”. He’s having an affair is the answer to everything
on here. Even if he was having an affair, it wouldn’t stop him from FaceTiming or calling once in a while would it.