To be angry with DH for not coming home?

[Coffeeoftheworld]

DH is on a 3 week work trip in Australia, he’s been out there for a week and has 2 more weeks to go. Our DD was admitted to hospital on Friday and DH is refusing to come home to see DD in hospital. He is just saying he “can’t abandon work” and that his boss will be “unhappy” with him if he comes home early. AIBU to he angry with DH for not coming home? DD is asking for him in hospital too and is really ill. I travel for work too sometimes but I would absolutely come home immediately if DD had been taken in to hospital whilst I was away, no matter how unhappy my boss would be with me for coming home. The most that DH has said is to send him “updates” on how DD gets on in hospital. I feel like he doesn’t care about her, he’s always been such a good husband and such a good dad but this makes me feel like he doesn’t care. He also won’t FaceTime her because of “the time difference” between the UK and Australia!

I was thinking the same. Just another thread to bash men.

If the poor menz - we must all think of them.

Struggling to see the issue. My daughter has been in hospital loads, we work as a couple to make sure family and work are covered. There are times when my husband absolutely cannot take time off work. When he can’t, I do. The same works in reverse. His job is more important than mine at times. Millions of people rely on him being there to do his job half a dozen times a year. I understand that and know that whatever happens, I’m flying solo.

Your daughter is asking for him, it’s not difficult to remind her he is thousands of miles away and would be here if he could be, but you’re here and that’s ok. I’d be focusing on my immediate surroundings, updating him by text so he knows what’s going on. What could he actually do if he were there? If it is just to “be there” then that’s not enough for him to come home. If there is a lack of any physical support for you with your other children then you ask other family members or friends. If you have absolutely no support network then you need to have a discussion about what happens when he is away for work and there is an emergency.

I imagine not having a film director available is a massive problem for a production, you’ve already said your boss has covered your work so the comparative loss isn’t the same. Sometimes his job will be more important, that’s the nature of it. But from all your responses, it sounds like you have much bigger things you think are a problem with your husband. Those need to be addressed but him jumping on a plane right now won’t make any difference to those.

I've worked with this man. I'd be checking his knickers when he brings his laundry home for his wife to do.

So, yeah, ducks in a row, organise the lawyer right now, assuming any of this is actually true.

Ah yes, poor men. They have such a hard time in comparison to women who are all living the life of Riley.

I don’t disagree. He’s a massive shit for not calling. I also doubt he’s even told his boss about DD being in hospital

but a Lot of men are afraid of ruffling feathers or asking for adjustments in the work place. They’re all terrified of being difficult, it’s very rubbish. He absolutely could be doing better from Australia OP.

he should be finding a reasonable solution so he can talk to his child

@CoffeeoftheworldI’ve just read your updates regarding your husband’s job. My DH also (sort of) works in that industry as do many of his long term friends.

It’s hard for both of you to take time off work. He has decided that he won’t even discuss it. There is nothing you can do about that.

What I am more shocked about is his complete refusal to do anything to help you. No contacting his family or friends asking them to help you with your other dd. No effort to get back earlier. The refusal to communicate with you or FaceTime your DD is shocking.

I can see what is going on. He’s on set, Mr Director. Mr Important. He compartmentalises his life. Right now, he is in work mode and nothing else matters.

I think that the key question now is are you prepared to live like this for years to come?

What the fuck is he doing to not be available for a 15 minute FT with his Daughter?

Or maybe who the fuck is he doing....

He cant answer calls? There is no reason other than he is having an affair with someone he has told he is single to, that means he couldn't call at all. None. He met someone there. He is hiding his home life from them.

At first I thought you were BU but on the updates, he is a horrible human.

Right. He can just get up in the middle of the night and call his kid. Five minutes face time. There is no reason, no amount of business, not one single excuse or explanation that means he cannot do this.

He's pretty definitely sticking his penis in someone, but even if by some extremely unlikely happenstance he isn't, not phoning his 7 year old child in hospital is completely, totally and forever unforgivable.

Or the manager would not want to bring personal issues into the workplace. Especially as the OP says it’s serious but not life threatening.

@Coffeeoftheworld so he has laid out his feelings pretty clearly. What’s your next move?

Will you communicate at all with him?
Hes digging in deep and not displaying any care for either your daughter/s or you, so where do you go from here?

And 7am call means up from 4/5 plus travel! It’s honestly hellish.

plus most of these are contracted roles, that depend on good relationships and funding. With few employment rights. It is not the same as taking emergency parental leave from a permanent role

So send a recorded message! "Hey sweetheart! How are you doing? I'm sorry I can't be there right now, but I'm thinking of you and sending you all my love!"

30 seconds, tops.

Yeah, tbh even her responses sound manufactured. Stupid of me not to catch it straight away.

Well you now know where you and your dc’s come in his life. I’d use this time to look after your dc and get your ducks in a row.

Id not bother responding or giving him updates. He can call if he wants updates

Why is everyone so disbelieving? I mean, I know you can’t believe everything you read online but is the husband's callousness really that unrealistic? My once doting EHX hasn’t seen our children in years. Women are on mn talking about being battered, abused, raped, left penniless, children assaulted, sexually abused and all sorts by their fathers. How is a man not FaceTiming his sick child a sign that the OP must be making it all up as it’s simply too horrible? He’s just a horrible selfish cunt, it’s not rocket science!

What did you agree before he went away?

You must have had that discussion surely?

We always did sketch out plans for bad scenarios when either of us was away for long periods, like "if mum dies - little point in returning early" "if mum likely to die- come back fast" etc

Do you not??

I could actually believe it. We only have OPs side of the story.

I can easily see a situation where the daughter isn't really in danger (even though it's always a shitty situation being in hospital), and OP is getting wound up (because she's stressed) messaging / calling H every five minutes, issuing demands for him to call that very moment and getting wound up further because he doesn't see the messages on time (because he's working or asleep), and then sending more messages. H then looks at his phone and sees multiple messages and missed calls, but knows the situation isn't that critical. He then sets expectations / boundaries (I won't be calling for X days), and no doubt then receives multiple messages about not caring.

I don't think it's as elaborate as an affair cover up. Occam's razor would suggest he is too busy and too far away to have the level of input OP wants. And OP is in a rubbish situation, there is no doubt about that.

But instead of reassuring her daughter and trying to make the best of the situation, which is unlucky given the timing, she's focussing all of her stress and frustration on her H and it's not helpful to anyone.

We all understand that he can’t leave the shoot and fly home we don’t understand why he can’t when taking a toilet break manage to text his wife or daughter or FaceTime them

Don’t most men go on their phones in the toilet anyway🙄🙄🙄

but he's got the time to text you to tell
you he won't have time to text? It doesn't make sense? If he has time to read, then he has time to press the microphone and give his response in real time via voice note. Or even video note.

I am furious on your behalf OP, I'd actually consider blocking him. I definitely wouldn't be giving any updates. He can easily call the hospital while he's away, staff work 24/7 so even if he has time during the middle of his day, he can have a phone call for two mins.

I would be questioning my marriage to be honest.

I'm struggling to imagine a Hollywood style director (even 2nd or 3rd unit) having a "manager" rather than a boss or a producer, let alone that manager being a mother that wouldn't mind him abandoning a location based shoot if only he asked

Victim blaming much??
🙄🙄🙄