To be angry with DH for not coming home?

[Coffeeoftheworld]

DH is on a 3 week work trip in Australia, he’s been out there for a week and has 2 more weeks to go. Our DD was admitted to hospital on Friday and DH is refusing to come home to see DD in hospital. He is just saying he “can’t abandon work” and that his boss will be “unhappy” with him if he comes home early. AIBU to he angry with DH for not coming home? DD is asking for him in hospital too and is really ill. I travel for work too sometimes but I would absolutely come home immediately if DD had been taken in to hospital whilst I was away, no matter how unhappy my boss would be with me for coming home. The most that DH has said is to send him “updates” on how DD gets on in hospital. I feel like he doesn’t care about her, he’s always been such a good husband and such a good dad but this makes me feel like he doesn’t care. He also won’t FaceTime her because of “the time difference” between the UK and Australia!

I'm so sorry @Coffeeoftheworld, I am seething on your behalf. It would be marriage over for me.
Wishing you and your daughter all the best 💐

As somebody who travelled frequently for work I would be shocked if his boss had an issue with him wanting to fly back to see a sick child.

If this is serious enough I would be pissed at my husband. And him refusing to even Facetime due to “time difference” is nonsense. I lived in Oz and you can make it work if you want to.

He just doesn’t give a fuck.

Your marriage is over, obviously. I am very sorry about this.

He is probably having sex with someone over there and planning to leave you.

But even if not, obviously you will never forgive him - and nor should you - and your child will never forget her father deserted her because he chose to.

I would not attempt to message him, ever again. I would take no calls from him unless he makes it clear he wants to talk to your daughter, at which point pop him on to your daughter then hang up after you have finished.

There is no point at all in trying to talk to him or get him to feel sorry for his behaviour. He doesn't care.

Get a lawyer today, get your affairs in order and you can hit him with divorce plans when he bothers to turn up.

If you are able to do so legally, change your locks too, so he doesn't just get to waltz in and harass you when he bothers to come back.

And the reason why he can’t pick up a phone for 5 minutes is….?

Well there’s your answer. Surely you knew that his career would take over everything before you had kids with him. The two are not mutually conducive unfortunately

He's not coming. What I would do now is focus on your DD (which you are already doing anyway) and not send him any updates or call him at all. If he wants to know how she is he can facetime you or her. You will need to manage the lack of contact with DD which is the shitty part.
When he gets back you probably want to have a conversation with him about this and his priorities and decide what, if anything, you want to do about it.

My exH turned out to be like this, although it took me a long time to work it out.
His examples were not so spectacular, but over the years they built up and killed any desire I had to stay married to him.

I think some men like the idea of having a wife and children, a bit like status symbols.
But they don't actually want to be husbands and fathers. Not really. Not the hard bits, which require them to put others' needs before their own wants, and ego.

He can find 15 fucking minutes.

Absolutely. Completely agree. The fact he’s not ringing or FaceTiming I have said from the start is alarming bells, all the red flags are waving. Totally unacceptable. Him not travelling back from Australia is what I feel is understandable. The rest is awful behaviour.

He is up to something shady. Sorry but he is.

I can maybe understand him not flying back if it is not life threatening.

But him refusing to talk and limiting messages is really really suspicious.

My dh has an equally demanding anti family type of role - he always move heaven and earth to be here for us, and would be in constant contact if this wasn’t possible whilst working on a plan to terminate his work and be with us asap.

Many women (friends of mine) have equally prestigious and challenging roles, somehow they always seem to not abandon their kids. It’s bullshit and you know it.

Old saying

‘He would, if he wanted to’

Agreed. But that world makes them think they are too important and irreplaceable. Both things are untrue of course but the are Hollywood for you.

You have very low expectations of your husband don’t you ?

Either this is a wind up or he's having an affair and it worried his affair partner will somehow intrude on the call. No one is this unreasonable otherwise.

You say you're livid, @Coffeeoftheworld but kudos to you, you don't sound it here.

What are you responding to him when he sends you those messages saying he won't be replying to you for four days?

He's disgusting, as others have said he can find two minutes in his day to speak to his daughter. Vile man. This would be the end for me, he wouldn't have a wife to come back to, that's for sure.

Ive read all your updates and i hope your daughter is feeling better.

To give your DH the benefit of the doubt, i expect that abandoning this project will not alone cost this production alot of money, i may also have a detrimental affect on his career. I understand his reluctance to get home.

What is less understandable however is the inability to give you 10/15 minutes in his day to call and check up on his family. Leaving the sick child out of it, i think this is the bear minimum your DH can give his partner holding down the home. That is not acceptable.

He sounds like he is too wrapped up in his work. I don’t think I would necessarily expect him to come hope but I would be livid about not calling or video calling even if it means he has to get up in the middle of the night. I think in the film industry people get completely absorbed whilst away on location and forget their real life. But it is unforgivable to not speak to his child.

Or he simply 100 percent does not care and just wants to stick his penis in another woman, uninterrupted.

Yea I COMPLETELY agree. 100%. So does mine. But my husband doesn’t work in Hollywood industry. Totally different ball game and the people within that industry are a breed of their own.

In my opinion there is possibly one of two things happening here.

Either there is a very very sick child and H is being breathtakingly callous, which would seem odd given OPs first post about how good a husband and father he is.

Or OP is massively over-egging the situation.

OP, honestly: how often is your DD in hospital, how life-threatening is it, and how much have you been calling and messaging your H?

Because honestly if it's not critical, if it's a common occurrence, and if you've been blowing up his phone every few minutes, I could actually understand why he's acting the way he is.

Ooooh thank you!