To be angry with DH for not coming home?

[Coffeeoftheworld]

DH is on a 3 week work trip in Australia, he’s been out there for a week and has 2 more weeks to go. Our DD was admitted to hospital on Friday and DH is refusing to come home to see DD in hospital. He is just saying he “can’t abandon work” and that his boss will be “unhappy” with him if he comes home early. AIBU to he angry with DH for not coming home? DD is asking for him in hospital too and is really ill. I travel for work too sometimes but I would absolutely come home immediately if DD had been taken in to hospital whilst I was away, no matter how unhappy my boss would be with me for coming home. The most that DH has said is to send him “updates” on how DD gets on in hospital. I feel like he doesn’t care about her, he’s always been such a good husband and such a good dad but this makes me feel like he doesn’t care. He also won’t FaceTime her because of “the time difference” between the UK and Australia!

It’s crap that he won’t FaceTime, but I wouldn’t expect him to come back from Australia, unless she’s in real danger.

“Oh and I won’t be calling or doing video calls. Way too much going on here for that”

And now he’s just sent me that message as well now too! I really am livid with him!!

It does sound like he "doesn't want" to come home rather than he can't. Im sorry OP, he is being a dick and you have every right to be angry.

If he really cannot come home, he could 100% call and Facetime, he just doesn't want to.

Personally I think you need to try to shelve your anger for now and concentrate on yourself and your children. The anger won't help you over the next few days and your daughter needs you more. But when he returns you can take that anger off the shelf and hit him with it!

Don't send updates, see how long it takes him to start trying to call you - this will speak volumes (although I think his actions already have).

Im not sure I'd expect him to leave Australia but his reluctance to call or Facetime his little girl is disgusting.

I hope she is better and home very soon x

You mentioned your DD has a chronic condition op. If your DH is a film director and is therefore likely to work away a lot, there needs to be agreement on expectations moving forward, if it’s likely DD will get admitted on further occasions. It is rubbish for you, but also I understand why he can’t agree to be on hand if abroad on such projects.

His not calling is weird though. Unless there is some issue with him being mentally unable to cope with different things going on. I’ve seen that in men before. If so, it needs addressing so he can deal with it.

Sorry but the latest messages you report from him are so ludicrous I’m now wondering whether this can be true.

He really doesn't care for you or his children at all. He has shown his true colours and they aren't pretty. Now you know this, make your plans accordingly. Don't update him. Do you have any family that could sit with your daughter sometimes while you worked? Your job is just as important as his, if not more so as you earn more.

Report the thread if you don't think OP is a genuine poster. Don't troll hunt which is against Mumsnet posting guidelines.

How is DD doing today, OP?

I’ve only read your updates OP, but it really depends on his role on set. Is he the actual director? Who is his “line manager”, is it the producer, if so which producer? What’s the production, indie or studio? But actually regardless of all this, if they’re shooting is Aus, I’d imagine a fair budget would have gone into this and if he’s the overall director, he won’t be able to leave without the production crumbling, they won’t be able to find a replacement and the studio will lose millions potentially. If indie, it will mean the shoot effectively is cancelled and they won’t recoup any budget at all, it will mean the film will be cancelled and won’t get made, investors won’t get any money back etc. Not to mention the damage to his career if he walks (for whatever reason) and he really cannot risk that damage in an industry which is really struggling right now. Him finding work afterwards will become very tricky. Sadly, the film industry is not even slightly family friendly and I expect you already know this.

Having said all that, he is a prised twat for not FaceTiming. He WILL have time to do that. And now the not even replying to texts? Wowzers. Sounds like he’s got a serious self-importance issue. I wouldn’t be expecting him to come home, but his behaviour is outrageous and I would have read him the riot act by now.

I’m sorry your little girl is so poorly, you must be so stressed and exhausted and your dick head of a husband is making everything worse when he should be supporting you (albeit from afar).

But it might make people think twice about using him if he costs a production a lot of money for a non urgent situation.

Same here. I wouldn’t expect him to come home if this is something that is not entirely unexpected (chronic condition) and under control in hospital. However, with another child being cared for by a friend for over a week, rather than e.g. a grandparent/aunt, that changes things and I think he should probably try to be home as soon as possible to take over that. The refusal to FaceTime is really shit of him and that is where he is giving himself away - it isn’t that it’s not possible or practical to come home, it’s that he isn’t prepared to inconvenience himself even slightly for the sake of his daughter. I’m not sure I could ever forget that.

His production is a Hollywood studio production.

Well obviously his career is his priority over his child and you.

That's where you and your child stand - second or third at best. That Will never change.

Now it's for you to decide whether that's enough for your marriage to survive.

I took that as the OP hypothesising in response to everyone going on about how big and important her husband is. She no doubt is in charge of projects costing that much but yes, her company I’m sure is surviving without her. I believe that was her point but obviously it the OP so can’t be sure.

I would also add literally NO ONE is indispensable, no matter the size of their ego.

Certainly no one is ‘too important’ to ring their own hospitalised child.

I would be calling the lawyers this morning, personally, because the level of anger and hatred I would feel for this kind of parental abandonment wouldn’t make an on going relationship possible. Game over.

Have a read of Scruples 2 OP..........

Being a parent isn’t something you can turn on and off. He is being incredibly selfish!
I don’t think I’d want to be with someone like that tbh, letting you down is one thing but letting your child down is unforgivable.
A few minutes to FaceTime is the very least he should be able to do!

If it's not life or death, it's not unreasonable for him to stay in Australia for work.

What is unreasonable, and unforgiveable, his his lack of care, consideration and support for his wife and daughter.

He sounds utterly cold and unfeeling.

It would made me question my marriage.

Ok so I think you need to leave him tbh. Don’t send messages. Leave him to it. When your daughter is out of hospital then speak to a solicitor.

keep all texts in case he goes for custody. It’s really good evidence that he cannot provide care to your kids.

My company will find a way to cope without me yes I know they will but if they did for some reason put the project on hold because of me not being there then it would cost them close to 100k a day.

You keep saying he should just ask his boss and she would understand he needed to go home...I am really sorry, but it sounds like he hasn't asked because he doesn't want to. And those horrific messages about not being able to reply to you for 4 days and NEVER calling or video calling his sick daughter clearly show his priorities. You now know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, you and your children will never come first for him. If you can live with that, hire a nanny (once this crisis has passed) and carry on with life, enjoying the few times he's around and present. If you can't, still hire a nanny and enjoy your freedom.

Is he director or AD?

If he’s a Hollywood level director then he’s been in the industry a long time, so you should already know how this all works? Unless he never talks to you about work, ever? Have you never had this situation before?

You know he can’t leave set, and as frustrating and anger inducing as it is, you can’t expect him to. My point about face timing still stands though. He absolutely should be prioritising that. His job will be all consuming mentally and creatively, but he SHOULD be FaceTiming his sick daughter and stressed wife when he gets a chance, and his line producer should be making time for that in the schedule. Even if it’s just ten minutes during a lighting change, he’ll be needed to discuss with the DOP, but not for the physical re-set of lights so absolutely can take time to call home, with the support of his producer.

Edited to add: your anger is wholly justified. He sounds like he’s too wrapped up in his own self importance to make time to call home. Hollywood will do that to you.

I probably wouldn’t expect him to come home given your updates about his job and the potential knock on for hundreds of people- though without knowing exactly your dc’s medical situation I can’t say for sure.

there is zero excuse for not keeping in contact. I take it he needs to use the bathroom? It takes 10 seconds to make a voice note and he can do it whilst he’s walking. His messages to you are horrible.

On my part it’s not at all being dazzled by being a film director. It’s practicalities as he scald way round the world and as others have so succinctly said when a director leaves a shoot it affects so much more than the shoot. Her job is of course as equally important but as it is she is there and has put solutions into place. By the time he gets home his daughter could well be out of hospital and well (hopefully 🙏🏻).