To be angry with DH for not coming home?

[Coffeeoftheworld]

DH is on a 3 week work trip in Australia, he’s been out there for a week and has 2 more weeks to go. Our DD was admitted to hospital on Friday and DH is refusing to come home to see DD in hospital. He is just saying he “can’t abandon work” and that his boss will be “unhappy” with him if he comes home early. AIBU to he angry with DH for not coming home? DD is asking for him in hospital too and is really ill. I travel for work too sometimes but I would absolutely come home immediately if DD had been taken in to hospital whilst I was away, no matter how unhappy my boss would be with me for coming home. The most that DH has said is to send him “updates” on how DD gets on in hospital. I feel like he doesn’t care about her, he’s always been such a good husband and such a good dad but this makes me feel like he doesn’t care. He also won’t FaceTime her because of “the time difference” between the UK and Australia!

OP is having to take time off work and she is the higher earner. He is refusing to even call OP and his daughter. That makes absolutely no sense. Surely even film directors have a couple of minutes between takes to phone home to check that his daughter (and his other child) are OK?

Who does he expect to look after your younger child? What if your best friend is taken ill? I certainly wouldn't be leaving my 3yr old (or any age for that matter!) With a friend for what could be a week?

Sorry, but your DH sounds like a total arse and a shit Dad.
I understand his job means he can't just leave easily like if he was 10 mins down the road in an office, but at least show willing by facetiming etc.
I'd also be concerned that he was up to no good - maybe with that female boss of his? It's likely he isn't, but refusal to contact a child and claiming to not be able to even text for 2 days smells of dodgy to me.
I'd certainly be asking the question.
He must go for a wee, get into bed, do many things which allow for a 2 min text.
If he wanted to, then he would. I certainly would NOT be updating him on our child - if she isn't important enough for him to call her then he doesn't deserve to know how she is.

IKR! Particularly as OP has said that she is the higher earner so the financial consequences to the family if she lost her job would be worse.

Completely taking the p*ss, I'd just not bother texting him updates at all.
He doesn't want to know, he doesn't want the discomfort of having to think about his ill daughter lying in a hospital bed and him on the other side of the world prioritising himself.
Not even able to reply now, absolutely ridiculous.
Fuck him.

Is he actually in the middle of a shoot? If so then I understand that he can't leave without costing the company tens of thousands a day, and would involve a huge insurance claim that would be seriously detrimental to his career. But he could easily FaceTime and text, refusing to do that is just weird.

You are not being unreasonable. 1000x over.

My sons dad isnt very involved, sees him 24x a year. Works away at sea for 4weeks at a time. But when our son was ill in hospital, he delayed his next trip, came to the hospital everyday, bought extra nappies and things that he needed. Lost out on 2k, still paid child maintenance. He attends every hospital appointment he can. He drove 2hrs, in the snow to come to his scan appointment.

It comes down to that phrase "if he wanted to, he could". If our son was really ill and expected to be in hospital for a week or more, he would tell work he needed to come home and would get the helicopter off the ship if needed.

If our son is in hospital for anything (he has autism and when he gets any illness, stops eating/drinking) he will be there, if not he asks for continuous updates, sends voice or video messages.

Hes not dad of the year by any stretch. But if his kid is ill, he'll be there.

OP, don’t give him any cover with friends or family. No “oh, it’s difficult for him he just couldn’t come back but we’re all managing as best we can” or anything. Just the plain facts. “No, he’s not here, he wouldn’t come back” or “no he hasn’t spoken to her”.

He does not deserve to be insulated from the disapproval or judgement of other people for this.

@Rosscameasdoody also don’t you worry that the OP not being at work could also be career ending for her? Because she explicitly sais she is in charge of a big project and everything will have to wait/be delayed whilst she is off work.

Whatbdo you think should happen if both of them throw ther arms in the air agd say ‘dirty. Cay deal with that. Can’t even do FT once a day’ and leave the dd on her own in hospital until … I dint know she is ready to go home I imagine.

My daughter was admitted and in for 5 days - husband in Mauritius with work, I let him know but it was kind of routine although could have ended in hearing loss - whilst in an ideal world he would have been there I never really expected it, it was one of those things the parent at home had to deal with

Although ironically after a car accident Husband phoned me and expected me to come and get him when I was a 4 hr drive away - I actually said no but also did all the full enquiries as to his health - he thought he was having a heart attack but was in pain from seatbelt yank as it was pretty nasty insurance fraud shunt type thing. He lived and got a lift home off the coppers in the end

Fully agree there

Sometimes this is the role for GPs to help out so Mum can continue to work around things. Or as I have done with Mum in hospital is set up at her bedside on laptop - I didn't have calls to make though. She had dementia and was a wonderer in the hospital and needed 24/7 supervision

Wow. So he’s not the director earning mega bucks then

@RB68 That’s assuming
1- you have grand parents/family around
2- you can do some of your work from hospital. If you’re in meeting all day .ing, that’s not going to work

Agree with this (BIL is a director) very very hard to stop/leave. However, the lack of FaceTime is appalling and honestly feels like a bit of a red flag. Like, why not - there’s no reason at all not to these days. And even though you say he hasn’t asked his boss, surely he’s told her about what’s going on - hence she could make the allowances for him to pop somewhere quiet to make the calls.

So what if it costs his company money? He wouldn’t lose his career. My company could be putting a project on hold this week because I can’t work this week and it’s going to cost the company near 100k a day unless they can find a way to cope without me.

What am I supposed to do? Leave DD in hospital alone and go to work? No way am I leaving DD alone in hospital!

DH’s boss would likely be quite understanding if he explained the situation to her.

Couldn’t he send a voice note to his daughter instead of a call? Or a video note? Surely as a film director that wouldn’t be beyond him…

The not coming home is almost a red herring here. If he were showing by his actions that he cared...checking in, facetiming your child when he can to reassure them and just entertain them, checking in with you to make sure you're coping, sending a cute video to the other child who is being babysat, calling the hospital for updates, messaging as soon as he gets up to see how everyone is etc then the not coming home would not be the massive red flag it appears at the moment.

But he isn't doing any of that! He is actively saying he won't even have a minute to reply to a message, let alone make contact with his child who is asking for him.

Whatever his reasons for this OP, I would not be able to see him in the same light again. I'm really sorry this is happening to you and your children. You sound eminently capable, though, however much of a consolation that is. I would be questioning why he could answer voice calls but not video calls too.

FWIW, my BiL is also a film/TV director who works away for long periods of time. He doesn't have kids, but he always stayed in contact with all of the family throughout.

Op, I think I would message him and let him know if he wants to know how your daughter is then he needs to put the effort it.

Don't text him any up dates.

If he doesn't contact you, he's made it clear what's most important to him and I'd have his bags packed for him when he gets home. In fact, if I was you , I'd be packing them for him anyway.

Hope your dd feels better soon.

I get that DH’s job as a film director is important and that him coming home may (may being the key word, I’m sure they could find a way to cope without him) inconvenience a lot of people but why is it only his job which matters here and not mine?

If DD was likely to be out within a week then given where he is, it's understandable not to rush home, I wouldn't either in his position. If he told the execs that his kid was seriously ill in hospital though they would facilitate his facetime sessions to chat with her within the shoot schedule, as much out of gratitude that he wasn't leaving (production insurance probably won't cover if it's a chronic illness and some things can't actually be re-scheduled due to continuity and availability issues) as human empathy. I think you need to cut him some slack on the returning home bit and let that go. Refusing to phone & facetime & have any meaningful communication with you or his daughter is just a dick move though. No excuses.

But you’re there OP? So it makes sense that you stay there and I’m sure you wouldn’t want to not be there.
I think most people think it’s not completely unreasonable that he doesn’t come home. But what is unreasonable is the lack of contact but you don’t seem to be focusing on that and are adamant that he comes home.

Do you find his attitude really surprising/shocking, or is it just the latest (egregious) manifestation of something in your relationship or his character that has manifested itself before? It seems very odd if it is totally out of character.

Regardless of the rights or wrongs of him coming home, I really don’t understand how he will ever be able to justify his actions regarding messaging you or his daughter.

I think you're being massively unreasonable to want him to fly home from Australia(!) when your daughter will be out of hospital in a week. By the time he gets here she would already be almost out of hospital. A film director has too many people depending on him to just up and leave.

But absolutely no excuse not to FaceTime/call.

”it’s going to be 4 days now that I can’t answer messages for and not 2 days. But send me updates on DD over the next 4 days and I’ll read them but won’t be able to reply at all for 4 days. Busy with work and need to concentrate and rest. Can’t keep getting distracted, there’s more important things here when you are all the way back in the UK”

DH has just sent me that! I’m livid! I’m fuming! He just doesn’t care!

But her DH hasn't even asked whether he could fly home. He has assumed that OP will do it all and find someone to look after their other daughter and he is happy to risk her job, which actually pays more than his does. People seem to be dazzled by the fact that his is a film director and so couldn't possibly put his sick daughter first.