To be angry with DH for not coming home?

[Coffeeoftheworld]

DH is on a 3 week work trip in Australia, he’s been out there for a week and has 2 more weeks to go. Our DD was admitted to hospital on Friday and DH is refusing to come home to see DD in hospital. He is just saying he “can’t abandon work” and that his boss will be “unhappy” with him if he comes home early. AIBU to he angry with DH for not coming home? DD is asking for him in hospital too and is really ill. I travel for work too sometimes but I would absolutely come home immediately if DD had been taken in to hospital whilst I was away, no matter how unhappy my boss would be with me for coming home. The most that DH has said is to send him “updates” on how DD gets on in hospital. I feel like he doesn’t care about her, he’s always been such a good husband and such a good dad but this makes me feel like he doesn’t care. He also won’t FaceTime her because of “the time difference” between the UK and Australia!

That's total shit OP. I'd be livid too. Best of luck for if you need looking after in your old age because you can't rely him now even! He's totally selfish.
I'd be tempted to contact his boss to explain the situation. To not even ask and then to be too busy to face time, that really got me. Made me furious on you and your dcs behalf.

Given that OP says her DD is asking for him again I think OP would be very justified in messaging him and giving him an ultimatum: that if he doesn't facetime his sick and hospitalised daughter then she will be considering the future of the marriage.
Because honestly I don't see how OP can have any liking or respect for him after his inexplicable lack of concern for his own child and for his wife.

No, it isn't. His boss would read him the riot act for treating his daughter badly, and he deserves to be humiliated. His boss would at least force him to speak to his daughter, ffs, even if not return home. The daughter is ASKING FOR HIM!!! Did you not read that part? OP has only repeated it at least in 6 different posts. Forget how the OP is handling it, his daughter is asking for him! That, is all that matters. It's breaking his daughter's heart. And the OP that has to find excuses to tell her sick daughter for why her own father won't even speak to her!

His boss would force him to speak to his daughter? This is a pretty wild take.

This would be a dealbreaker for me. You now know exactly what he thinks of you and dd. You and dd are not a priority.

The lack of face timing and calls makes me think he is with someone else op. Someone that won’t accept his calls back home. I don’t want to add to your worries, but I would see this as a huge red flag.

I would be calling the hotel room, his boss and I would be making plans to evict him from my life.

There is no excuse at all for not calling her, sending her gifts at the hospital. Face timing her daily and making arrangements to come home early at the very least.

What a terrible excuse for a father he has turned out to be. So sorry op.

Pp saying leave DD 7 alone in hospital and go to work? Fucking mental. Leaving a vulnerable child alone all day in a massive institution full of randoms? Yeah, great idea! These people must be the types that allow sleepovers with any Tom, Dick and Harry they’ve met once.

OP doesn’t need to leave her sick daughter and go to work as, despite being the higher earner (if it’s relevant?), she’s exercising her right under the law to take time off for her child who is seriously unwell. Maybe her cunt of a husband could do the same or, I dunno, send a text?

At this point I’d be telling him not to bother coming home at all tbh.

The one thing that would upset me the most, your dd is going to think it’s normal to be ignored and rejected when you are ill and sick. She is going to wonder why on earth he is not there tor her, most likely she will blame herself, as children find it very hard to process such abandonment. And it is a abandonment - both physically and emotionally.

Maybe he doesn’t want the guilt of being reminded of his sick child. Or maybe he genuinely thinks it’s not as important as his rest breaks.

Is he narcissistic?

I would give him an ultimatum and mean every word of it. Dd deserves better and so do you op.

He is refusing to even phone OP or his daughter. He doesn't seem bothered about his poorly daughter at all. Would all directors, A-list or otherwise, ignore the fact that they had a child in hospital and a child that has had to be left with friends and refuse to phone their wives and hospitalised child?

It depends on the boss and corporate culture. Lots of organisations would absolutely want staff to feel that they can prioritise a family emergency ahead of work.

Yes, if he’s a film director then presumably it’ll affect the entire production, with lots of other jobs involved, locations, studios etc if he leaves.

And on some productions there can be very long, intense days of shooting, where there may be few breaks.

But I fail to understand why he can’t grab 5 mins here and there to speak to his child when she’s asking for him (and you as the parent left caring for both children, your home etc when you work too). Presumably, he has to eat at times (can he not multi-task) or has 5 minutes at the end of his day.

Plus, his communication leaves a lot to be desired. He appears to be coming across very coldly, rather than worried, supportive and concerned that he can’t be there. It doesn’t matter how much people have to absorb themselves in work (surgeons, emergency workers, scientists, film directors), a loving father always finds time for his children.

If your child has a chronic health condition, he may need to rethink his career so that he can fulfil his role as a parent. Could he rule out projects where he’s working on the other side of the world for long spells? Did you discuss childcare responsibilities before you had children or did he assume you’d be the default without having a conversation with you?

Successful director or not, ANYONE can pick up the phone for a few minutes. It’s inexcusable.

As someone who is regularly in and out of hospital with a chronic ilness - I would not be expecting him to get into trouble with his work to fly back for something that sounds - while shit - fairly commonplace. Lord, If my mum had had to drop everything every time i went to the hospital then she would have been fired! Let alone dragging someone back from Australia
I knew the nurses - and we had a school set up on the childrens ward too, so we really just got on with things. Now i'm an adult, I just take my laptop with me and crack on = albeit when i'm in the hosital they let me work a reduced time table - still pays more than SSP so we roll with it!

He's not just refusing to face-time now. He's refusing to call her and his daughter at all. Surely even these exalted people that direct films still have to eat, shower and go to the toilet so could find a couple of minutes to check in with his poorly daughter?

Your husband is a dick.

@MischiefandMayhemManaged OP is having to drop everything to look after her DD, and she is the higher earner.

That’s bollocks

you know it, he knows it.

I used to work with Australian contacts and yeah, I’d get up and have calls at 7am to hit their 4/5pm, but you’re telling me (or rather he is) that at 8.30pm Sydney time he can’t find 30mins to talk to his dd in the uk for her middle of the day.

this would damage my relationship with him if I were you. I suggest those ducks of yours need lining up.

But if he was there, OP wouldn’t need to take the time off work. Why do we have to worry about his job and not OP’s?

Wanting your staff to feel like they can prioritise their family is not equivalent to forcing him to phone his daughter. If my partner called my boss in an attempt to force me to do anything I would be reconsidering the relationship. It is wholly inappropriate.

I could probably understand not returning. But not even replying to messages and making it clear the OP is on her own in a difficult situation whilst managing a confused 7 year old is not good enough.

And what’s more, any boss/chairman/ceo worth working for would 100% give even the most critical of team members time to speak to their sick child in hospital

and would certainly expect a resignation from said team member if they didn’t.

@Coffeeoftheworld I’m sorry, your H needs to be utterly ashamed of himself

Flying back from Australia and getting in cahoots with your boss I fully understand he doesn't want to do it, he can loose his job and that would be putting himself and his family in way more jeopardy, but the face time thing.... WTF! Sorry but that I find unacceptable.

Would it be career ending for him to phone his poorly daughter, which he has refused to do?

I’d be on the first plane home too but I can understand some jobs and the impact that would have on others would make it difficult. The lack of communication is a whole different story. It’s horrific and unless he was a brain surgeon scrubbed into theatre for a long time then unforgivable. There must be times he breaks for lunch/loo trip or pause in filming where he could take one minute to fire a reply back.

You mean you’d expect the OP to just go to work normally see her dd in the evening for a couple of hours, go back home and …. what pick up their older child on the way, put them to bed and start again the next day.
No change in her routine re work. A 7yo can just cope with seeing one parent for 1~2 hours a day whikst in hospital. There not going to get bored, scared, lonely or feeling like everyone has abandoned them.

Im assuming you haven’t tested that yourself seeing you’re only talking about friends agd family. You’re also not saying if those people could take turns (possible if BOTH parents are available and your have a family network around you to fill the gaps), bring in helpers (eg grand parents). Nor are you mentioning how serious or how long the stay was (staying in hospital fur a day or two is one thing, staying 1+ week is something else etc…..).

And yes the OP has been holding the fort all on her own befure hard. Something her dh should be grateful about. He wouldn’t be able to accept jobs on the other side of the world wo her support. Taking your partner and her support fir granted is never a good idea.
it also does NOT mean she is supposed to handle it all in her own all the time, regardless of what shit life throws at her. He is still a father with responsibilities. And should be expected to act like one. Not to just offload it all, FT included to his wife

I'd be very firm in telling him if he can't find 10 minutes to facetime his hospitalised daughter he'll be coming home to divorce papers, no one is that busy. It's bad enough he won't come home without even answering a text or call, who is he afraid of seeing him speaking to his wife and children?