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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry with DH for not coming home?

957 replies

Coffeeoftheworld · 14/09/2025 14:52

DH is on a 3 week work trip in Australia, he’s been out there for a week and has 2 more weeks to go. Our DD was admitted to hospital on Friday and DH is refusing to come home to see DD in hospital. He is just saying he “can’t abandon work” and that his boss will be “unhappy” with him if he comes home early. AIBU to he angry with DH for not coming home? DD is asking for him in hospital too and is really ill. I travel for work too sometimes but I would absolutely come home immediately if DD had been taken in to hospital whilst I was away, no matter how unhappy my boss would be with me for coming home. The most that DH has said is to send him “updates” on how DD gets on in hospital. I feel like he doesn’t care about her, he’s always been such a good husband and such a good dad but this makes me feel like he doesn’t care. He also won’t FaceTime her because of “the time difference” between the UK and Australia!

OP posts:
Original poster
Coffeeoftheworld · 15/09/2025 08:58

Ratafia · 15/09/2025 08:55

I agree. The fact that he's a film director potentially puts a different complexion on this. This could potentially mean that he really cannot leave for anything other than a life or death situation. But there is no excuse for not finding time to do some FaceTime calls.

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If he cared about our DD’s then he’d be on a plane home.

OP posts:
Dueindecemberr · 15/09/2025 09:00

I’ve been in your situation. DH was frequently at work when dd was in hospital. She had a chronic condition too, so he didn’t always rush back but was never away for 3 weeks.

In your situation, assuming she is still stable and this is nothing close to life threatening, I would cope on this occasion. Rally friends to help with your other dc. Contacting his boss would be an absolute no from me and is relationship ending.

Then when he is back, re-assess and see how you want to proceed.

Noelshighflyingturds · 15/09/2025 09:02

I would tell him to stay in Australia

ThatBlackCat · 15/09/2025 09:02

Coffeeoftheworld · 15/09/2025 08:58

If he cared about our DD’s then he’d be on a plane home.

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Then contact his boss! We have told you what to do, instead you're still replying to us. Contact her NOW!!!

Chazbots · 15/09/2025 09:05

Really ^no.

ThePelicansBriefs · 15/09/2025 09:05

Just stop updating him and then he'll have to find 2 minutes out of his busy day to send you a WhatsApp! Thus showing how ridiculous it is of him to say he cant send any messages.

MustTryHarderAndHarder · 15/09/2025 09:05

Coffeeoftheworld · 15/09/2025 08:58

If he cared about our DD’s then he’d be on a plane home.

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I am sure that he would be if you weren't able to be with her.

I am sure he cares about your daughter.

Original poster
Coffeeoftheworld · 15/09/2025 09:08

Umbrellasinthesunshine · 14/09/2025 19:53

A mum would be crucified for this. One could almost, almost excuse not coming home if he was constantly calling and in contact. But his refusal to speak. No. I’d be unable to ever see him in the same light again and telling him so. This would imperil my marriage irreparably.

I agree that a mother would be crucified for doing what DH is doing. As a mum I can’t imagine doing what my DH is doing (refusing to come home for DD and refusing to FaceTime), I’d be on the first flight home if DD was admitted to hospital whilst I was away for work!

OP posts:
Tiswa · 15/09/2025 09:10

@Coffeeoftheworld i think that is a simplistic view if he cared about the family he would be communicating a d coming up with a plan including communicating with you

but if that is how you do feel can this marriage continue

CountryVic · 15/09/2025 09:10

I’m in Australia, it’s just gone 6pm so 9am in the uk? So surely he can call before he goes to sleep, so 10 or 11pm here is your lunch time, hes just choosing not to.
I wouldn’t expect him to come home early, but you probably do need a plan in future to care for your smaller child should this happen again. Hopefully she’s settled in nursery and is comfortable with your friend, but a weeks time away from her parents would be difficult on her.

SENMum1727 · 15/09/2025 09:11

ThatBlackCat · 15/09/2025 09:02

Then contact his boss! We have told you what to do, instead you're still replying to us. Contact her NOW!!!

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I think this is insane. He thinks the OP has a handle on everything at home and DD is stable and safe, that’s why he doesn’t feel
its necessary to come back. (Going by the OP’s upset and updates I don’t think she has a handle on it at all.)

Contacting his manager is not going to change that, it will just humiliate him, possibly put his job at risk, put the whole project and everyone else’s jobs at risk (has a whole team travelled to Australia?) and the manager may not even agree or he will argue with the manager that his wife is overreacting and entrench his feeling to stay further.

Also if roles were reversed and a man called his wife’s work to tell the manager to send his wife home from a work trip then that would come across here as hugely controlling and unacceptable. (And I don’t accept that every single woman would race back if she felt her husband had things under control.)

MiniCooperLover · 15/09/2025 09:12

OP, what would happen if you responded to those messages and made it clear to him what a shit parent he is being?

SENMum1727 · 15/09/2025 09:13

I do agree that not calling is unacceptable.

lechatnoir · 15/09/2025 09:15

I too would be on the first plane home however, do get that if it's not life threatening holding off. What I could never forgive is the 'I'm too busy/need to rest/ bullshit. I'd be telling him to stay in Australia if he can't at least pretend to the bothered and call his daughter and be available to you for support/updates.

CreteBound · 15/09/2025 09:16

I’m so sorry he’s doing this OP. You and DD deserve better. I’d consider telling him not to come home at all after his refusal to reply to messages!

CatchTheWind1920 · 15/09/2025 09:16

Reading your updates, I can't believe he isn't even doing the BARE MINIMUM, which is video calling his ill child who is asking for him, and now saying he won't reply to your messages for 2 days? Op, this is so shocking I doubted it's real.

I don't think I'd ever forgive my DH if he behaved like this...

TottyMaude · 15/09/2025 09:16

Rosscameasdoody · 15/09/2025 08:10

This. I don't think most posters realise the commitment needed for this kind of career, or the consequences for it if he did come home. I think OP needs to see the bigger picture here.

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FFS, he's not Steven Spielberg is he? He's probably directing an ad for panty pads. Not sure why all the blokes on here are trying to big him up. He's a useless twat. Cut off contact, it's emotionally draining and pointless because he doesn't give a shit.

AnxietySloth · 15/09/2025 09:16

I wouldn't expect my husband to come back early in these circumstances, no. I think that's unreasonable. I hope your DD feels better soon.

JadedSoJaded · 15/09/2025 09:17

Given his job, I can understand why he be reluctant to come home.
But the lack of contact and FaceTiming is unforgivable. A few minutes here and there is easily done, whatever he says.

hanspan75 · 15/09/2025 09:17

FreebieWallopFridge · 14/09/2025 15:27

He’s being a complete tit and he needs to get his arse home.

There will be a ton of posters on here telling you that you should just soldier on and you’re being ridiculous for even asking him to come home.

You’re not.

He's letting you down and he’s letting his kids down.

That's unreasonable as he's at the other end of the world! But HBU to not Facetime either the DD or wife, even just to give her some emotional support. Selfish AF.

clickyteeclick · 15/09/2025 09:17

Starlight1984 · 15/09/2025 08:54

This.

My ex did the same. Went to the States for "work". Couldn't call very often because of the time difference. Turns out he was with another woman the whole time.

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Same

DurinsBane · 15/09/2025 09:17

And that would be illegal (assuming he has a contract and isn’t self employed). You are allowed time off for an ill child

Beerpink · 15/09/2025 09:19

Have your antenna up @Coffeeoftheworld the fact that he won’t face time her makes me think he is on an affair trip. I kind of get not coming home but to not even facetime her? Something is fishy. Is he a high net worth individual? He could be having a little escort on the side.

Liondoesntsleepatnight · 15/09/2025 09:19

Don’t send him any messages. Tell your DD that he is in area with poor coverage/signal but has been on phone to you and wants her to know that he loves her so very much and to get better soon.

then when your husband is back in contact tell him not to bother coming home. The “not even able to reply to messages” is the deal breaker

Liondoesntsleepatnight · 15/09/2025 09:20

He will be sat on a toilet daily, he could reply then