To be angry with DH for not coming home?

[Coffeeoftheworld]

DH is on a 3 week work trip in Australia, he’s been out there for a week and has 2 more weeks to go. Our DD was admitted to hospital on Friday and DH is refusing to come home to see DD in hospital. He is just saying he “can’t abandon work” and that his boss will be “unhappy” with him if he comes home early. AIBU to he angry with DH for not coming home? DD is asking for him in hospital too and is really ill. I travel for work too sometimes but I would absolutely come home immediately if DD had been taken in to hospital whilst I was away, no matter how unhappy my boss would be with me for coming home. The most that DH has said is to send him “updates” on how DD gets on in hospital. I feel like he doesn’t care about her, he’s always been such a good husband and such a good dad but this makes me feel like he doesn’t care. He also won’t FaceTime her because of “the time difference” between the UK and Australia!

There are two posts here from people who have direct experience of the film industry. I have some indirect experience through friends and l have to say l agree with them. If he dropped everything and came home it would likely have serious, if not disastrous consequences for his career and progression. How would OP cope with him not being able to get work because he’s seen as unreliable.

These shoots take time and enormous effort to come together and the expense is huge. If he were local a visit would be doable but he’s in Australia. I’m going against the grain here. I think OP is unreasonable to expect him to risk his career to travel home from the other side of the world when the reason DD is in hospital is due to an ongoing and known health problem, and is likely to be home in a week.

He is a looong way from home and it’s not easy to drop everything and fly home, he doesn’t want to risk his job and let people down

But it’s ok to put the OP’s job in jeopardy because ….. she is the mother? She is there? His job is more important than hers?
I mean, if it’s all about work etc…. then does he get a pass at not even asking his boss vs the OP who had no other choice, can’t offer to work evening/do bits and bobs around her dd etc… oh and has to rope in a FRIEND to look after their other chikd. I suppose that friend’s efforts aren’t as important as his job either…..

Of course a film director can co-ordinate 10 minutes to FT his kid in hospital and his kid left with friends.

I was going to post exactly this.
It's the refusal to communicate with either you or dd that is incomprehensible to me. And possibly unforgivable.

@Lighteningstrikes why is OP’s job lesser than her DH’s?

How did OP look after her other child before DD went into hospital, given that she works ? And l’ll probably get flamed for this, but why does she have to be at the hospital 24/7 ? I get that DD is 7 and hospital is scary but my own experience of friends and family having had children admitted to hospital on occasion is that they have still gone to work.

I kind of agree with the job given that him coming back could delay it for everyone else

BUT I am absolutely sure everyone would be fine with him checking in once or twice a day and face timing his daughter

He may argue that in order to do his job he needs to completely cut himself off. That is his prerogative but if I were the OP I would say that is not a relationship for me

He hasn’t even asked his boss though! For all he knows she might say yes come back home if he asked her! I think she would understand completely if he asked her.

I can’t believe the proportion of people who have voted YABU - particularly as there are lots of supportive posts on here. Is the vote counter defective?
I'm furious with him and I don’t even know him.
Hugs to your DD and hope she’s on the mend soon

Did you have a child sick in hospital? Or another child who had to stay with a friend? If not the situations aren't the same. And even with a long day you can still spend less than a minute sending a text.

Doesn’t it depend on whether his job is central to their standard of living ? If he’s earning megabucks how would their lives be affected if he could no longer find work in the industry ? It would be pretty disastrous to put his career in jeopardy for a situation that from OP’s description, is connected to an existing health condition and not life threatening.

Yeah he is taking the piss. No one is too busy for a message or a voice note over 24 hours. Is he not eating, showering, going to the toilet? If so then there is enough time to message. He can fuck off

This is a different scenario though. Did you have a child that was in hospital. NO ONE is SOOOO important that they cant take ten minutes out of their day to call their child who is in hospital. Absolutely noone

Not that how much I earn is relevant but I earn more than DH.

@Rosscameasdoody I thought it was a general expectation in this country (England) that parents stayed with their child in hospital. Not just to provide comfort for their child but to reduce workload of staff.

I assume OP had childcare for other DD when she is at work but not at other times eg weekend, evenings

I can see why it might be impractical for him to come home from a business point of view. I wouldn’t be ranting and raving over that.

However, everything else just seems odd. I have managed to carry on social contact with family and conduct business meetings via FaceTime and Teams from Australia. It does require a bit of planning but it isn’t hard and I’m sure colleagues would make some allowances if they knew the circumstances.

And this is the crux of the matter because it seems he’s decided for himself that he’s not coming home come hell or high water. But OP, given the nature of his work, are you sure that even asking wouldn’t damage his career and that’s why he’s reluctant ? I have a little experience of the industry through friends and on a shoot they are laser focused to the exclusion of everything else, because they are working to strict time and budget, and even small delays cost a lot of money. He would be effectively asking his boss to allow him to walk out on the shoot to travel halfway around the world to get home. Could it be that he knows that would be career ending ?

I would find it frustrating and possibly I would consider that to be an end of my marriage for the following reasons:

• he does not prioritise either you (your job, your mental health) or your children's.
• it is not your friend's job to look after your child, it is his father's and yours. I would be even tempted to say that it is entitled to thi k that she would look after the child for such a length of time.
• there is no consideration how you are meant to cope in this situation.
• I would say that he needs to come back and get the reality check. You are too busy to message if he is too busy for a phone call. You are not being dramatic one bit. You are being let down by your DH.

I doubt he only works, would not be surprised if there was someone else in the picture as well as work. There is power imbalance in the relationship, you are expected to suck it up.

Hi @Coffeeoftheworld does he get anxious when he’s on set? I get why he can’t come back but I don’t see why he can’t call quickly unless he’s so focused or nervous he can’t switch his attention..

Is his boss the owner of the production company that represents him?
She may say he can come back and send someone to replace him, but she would be unlikely to trust him with major projects in the future if she thought it could happen again.
also unless he’s on a retainer, his shoot fees will be important to him and I’m guessing the family. Hope it works out. I’m sure he’s feeling very churned up.

The not coming home....I can kind of understand, if it isnt life threatening and her mum is there, I can half understand.
For me, the refusal to facetime a child that is asking for it and the two days with radio silence would tell me all I needed to know and I would honestly leave my husband over that. I see a lot on mumsnet where people say leave him, a lot of it is over the top craziness, but this, my husband not giving one shit about his child, this would be a deal breaker and I would fucking give updates while getting zero back either.
However, my husband isnt like that and when the kids were ill and he was at work he always checked in, even if it was just a cold and his job was way more important than a film director

I'd stop trying to contact him and start contacting divorce lawyers instead.

Why on earth do posters have to leap to an ‘other woman’ scenario ? Do you not think OP has enough to worry about ?

This.

My ex did the same. Went to the States for "work". Couldn't call very often because of the time difference. Turns out he was with another woman the whole time.

I agree. The fact that he's a film director potentially puts a different complexion on this. This could potentially mean that he really cannot leave for anything other than a life or death situation. But there is no excuse for not finding time to do some FaceTime calls.

Then contact her!!