Page 25 | To be angry with DH for not coming home?

Coffeeoftheworld · 2025-09-14T13:52:29+00:00

DH is on a 3 week work trip in Australia, he’s been out there for a week and has 2 more weeks to go. Our DD was admitted to hospital on Friday and DH is refusing to come home to see DD in hospital. He is just saying he “can’t abandon work” and that his boss will be “unhappy” with him if he comes home early. AIBU to he angry with DH for not coming home? DD is asking for him in hospital too and is really ill. I travel for work too sometimes but I would absolutely come home immediately if DD had been taken in to hospital whilst I was away, no matter how unhappy my boss would be with me for coming home. The most that DH has said is to send him “updates” on how DD gets on in hospital. I feel like he doesn’t care about her, he’s always been such a good husband and such a good dad but this makes me feel like he doesn’t care. He also won’t FaceTime her because of “the time difference” between the UK and Australia!

Hercisback1 · 15/09/2025 07:51

itsobviousright · 15/09/2025 07:21

A film director? Honestly OP, he's taking the absolute fucking piss out of you - there is no way he is so busy that he can't take 30 seconds to reply to a text. Do not lie down and take this

'Not being able to find 30 seconds in your day to check in on your hospitalised child is unacceptable and abhorrent. She will remember her dads lack of care and love forever. I'm not asking for much, but the fact you aren't even prepared to give us the bare minimum, shows me how much respect you have for me as your wife, and what sort of 'father' you actually are. I'm giving you this opportunity to have a long, hard think about what you do next, because this is our marriage on the line now'

Send this.

Calling the hospital is a red herring imo. Updates should go through you rather than wasting hospital staff time.

Original poster

Coffeeoftheworld · 15/09/2025 07:51

AutumnLover1989 · 15/09/2025 07:28

If he has 5 minutes for lunch or a toilet break,he can ft his poorly daughter. No one is THAT busy 🙄🤦‍♂️

Exactly! It’s not fair on DD either because she keeps on asking for him. I’m livid with him

OP posts:

TheCheekyCyanHelper · 15/09/2025 07:52

Now I think you're taking the piss. He would likely be fired for leaving. And you know it.

LeeshaPaper · 15/09/2025 07:55

TheCheekyCyanHelper · 15/09/2025 07:52

Now I think you're taking the piss. He would likely be fired for leaving. And you know it.

He wouldn't be fired for phoning

Namechangerage · 15/09/2025 07:56

I travel for work and I just don’t believe he doesn’t have time for a FaceTime. I’ve just been away for 9 days - part of it was a conference working 9am - 9pm and guess what? I managed to call home most days. I think there was one day I missed.

Like others have said, if he has rest time, he can FaceTime you for 3 mins of it.

I would stop contacting him. And get divorce papers ready for when he gets home.

Namechangerage · 15/09/2025 07:58

TheCheekyCyanHelper · 15/09/2025 07:52

Now I think you're taking the piss. He would likely be fired for leaving. And you know it.

Who are you even replying to?

He hasn’t even asked to leave.

And he wouldn’t be fired for a 3 minute video call, would he?

BuckChuckets · 15/09/2025 07:58

TheCheekyCyanHelper · 15/09/2025 07:52

Now I think you're taking the piss. He would likely be fired for leaving. And you know it.

I don't know where you work/have worked, but I think it's unlikely many people would be fired for having to a) fulfil their responsibilities as a parent and b) have emergency time off when a child is in hospital.

Ooohlalalalas · 15/09/2025 07:58

beAsensible1 · 15/09/2025 06:53

A film director cannot leave mid shoot. That is essentially quitting. It will cost the company thousands and your reputation will be in the bin. They do sometime shoot for 15-20 hours especially if in a tight schedule small budget. Certain conditions etc. and his “breaks” could be fill with notes, meetings, feedback etc.

working in this industry is hard and the jobs are precarious. I do think he cold carve out a couple of minutes to call. But depending on the environment in the shoot it might be frowned upon. His boss might be a mother but she might be ruthless and expect her people to be locked in.

also I know people are saying to contact his boss. Do not. Message him that you are disappointed that he won’t FT. Can he send a video note on WhatsApp for DD? He can do it on the loo.

Edited

But depending on the environment in the shoot it might be frowned upon. His boss might be a mother but she might be ruthless and expect her people to be locked in.

Well then he'll have to go without dinner then and facetime his kid instead, like I imagine his wife is doing in the never ending days and nights she's spending in hospital.

Also 'they' can't have it both way, if he stays then there is no frowning upon anything, he's made a huge sacrifice, they can find him 20 mins a day.

MissIonX · 15/09/2025 08:00

Coffeeoftheworld · 15/09/2025 07:51

Exactly! It’s not fair on DD either because she keeps on asking for him. I’m livid with him

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Have you messaged him with an update @Coffeeoftheworld ? I wouldn't given his comment that he's too busy to reply.

I would be tempted to send something like you suggest he thinks long and hard about his decision not to come home, as you are also considering his behaviour, that you're upset and disappointed in him and it's making you reconsider the type of man and father he is. And then no more.

If he wasn't home in 48-72 hours thereafter, you have confirmation of where you and your children rank in his priorities.

Sending hugs, I know myself how hard hospital stays are with children. Try to be kind to yourself and rest whenever you can. And remember to eat (I lost a stone when my child was in for a week).

SilverCamellia · 15/09/2025 08:01

I would be ‘too busy’ to send any more updates. See how long it takes him to be worried.

HappyToSmile · 15/09/2025 08:04

The not coming back, I could kind of get. The not facetiming and now the not being able to contact him at all for 2 days, id never forgive.
Id stop even trying to contact him, spend all that energy on your daughters and yourself and then have a serious think about your future when your daughter is on the mend.

Rosscameasdoody · 15/09/2025 08:04

GerberasAreMyFavouriteFlowers · 14/09/2025 15:03

Are you sure he's actually out there for work?
Sorry.... but it's a bit of a red flag isn't it

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Why ?

Lilactimes · 15/09/2025 08:04

Hercisback1 · 15/09/2025 07:51

Send this.

Calling the hospital is a red herring imo. Updates should go through you rather than wasting hospital staff time.

Show quote history

I’ve worked in the film industry for 30 years and it can be intense. If he’s early stages director, grateful for his first break/ shoot then he won’t have the power to hold up the shoot, push it back or come home.
If he insisted, it could massively affect his career in the future and it’s a big deal for him to come home. Everything pivots around the director and the shoot would grind to a halt or they would have to bring in someone else.
If your DD is going to be ok and just wants him, then he’s not going to come home and I’m surprised you don’t realise this about your husband. Wives of directors tend to be a certain type of woman.

In my experience directors put their production before most other things in life.
if he’s A list and successful, he probably could have the power to push back the shoot and that cost upwards of tens and tens of thousands per day. However A list directors are usually even more laser focused on their production so unlikely to do this even if they have the power.

If you haven’t experienced this about him, or realised what being married to a successful director is like, then this will be a harsh wake up call.

i hope your DD gets well quickly and hopefully other friends and family are supporting you x x

Notonthestairs · 15/09/2025 08:06

No excuses for not FT both of his children.
Their lives are not put on hold whilst he’s away.

Tiswa · 15/09/2025 08:08

Not coming home maybe but a discussion should have been had about it and a decision made

not face timing or being in contact is unacceptable and unforgivable

Rosscameasdoody · 15/09/2025 08:10

Lilactimes · 15/09/2025 08:04

I’ve worked in the film industry for 30 years and it can be intense. If he’s early stages director, grateful for his first break/ shoot then he won’t have the power to hold up the shoot, push it back or come home.
If he insisted, it could massively affect his career in the future and it’s a big deal for him to come home. Everything pivots around the director and the shoot would grind to a halt or they would have to bring in someone else.
If your DD is going to be ok and just wants him, then he’s not going to come home and I’m surprised you don’t realise this about your husband. Wives of directors tend to be a certain type of woman.

In my experience directors put their production before most other things in life.
if he’s A list and successful, he probably could have the power to push back the shoot and that cost upwards of tens and tens of thousands per day. However A list directors are usually even more laser focused on their production so unlikely to do this even if they have the power.

If you haven’t experienced this about him, or realised what being married to a successful director is like, then this will be a harsh wake up call.

i hope your DD gets well quickly and hopefully other friends and family are supporting you x x

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This. I don't think most posters realise the commitment needed for this kind of career, or the consequences for it if he did come home. I think OP needs to see the bigger picture here.

Lilactimes · 15/09/2025 08:11

Rosscameasdoody · 15/09/2025 08:04

Why ?

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He’s a film director so is probably prepping and or actually shooting/ on set. Often call times on location can be early (7am) and can go into over time in the evenings finishing anytime. Then director will prep for the next day with the producer/ DOP and first AD.. so may finish at midnight or later. If it’s a commercial shoot they may have to take out their clients and check they’re happy… tho latter shouldn’t excuse a phone call.

This lifestyle is partly why there are very few women directors with families.

angieloumc · 15/09/2025 08:12

Come on now, no matter his ‘important’ he is or isn’t, a 5 minute FaceTime will take just that.

Lighteningstrikes · 15/09/2025 08:13

Yabu, sorry.

I’m sorry to hear about your DD and hope she’s improving.

If she’s got a health condition, this presumably could be a recurring theme?

Realistically if it is, do you really expect him to break off work if he’s half way round the world or wherever he is every single time?

The economy is not good (however understanding his female boss might be), and he could be at risk of losing his job one day over this, if this is a recurring theme.

The not face-timing is not good, but it sounds as if he’s under immense pressure.

You need to calm down and breathe and really look at both the reality and practicalities of your situation now and what may be regarding your DD in the future.

Ooohlalalalas · 15/09/2025 08:15

Lilactimes · 15/09/2025 08:04

I’ve worked in the film industry for 30 years and it can be intense. If he’s early stages director, grateful for his first break/ shoot then he won’t have the power to hold up the shoot, push it back or come home.
If he insisted, it could massively affect his career in the future and it’s a big deal for him to come home. Everything pivots around the director and the shoot would grind to a halt or they would have to bring in someone else.
If your DD is going to be ok and just wants him, then he’s not going to come home and I’m surprised you don’t realise this about your husband. Wives of directors tend to be a certain type of woman.

In my experience directors put their production before most other things in life.
if he’s A list and successful, he probably could have the power to push back the shoot and that cost upwards of tens and tens of thousands per day. However A list directors are usually even more laser focused on their production so unlikely to do this even if they have the power.

If you haven’t experienced this about him, or realised what being married to a successful director is like, then this will be a harsh wake up call.

i hope your DD gets well quickly and hopefully other friends and family are supporting you x x

Show quote history

Wives of directors tend to be a certain type of woman.

Nope. 'Directors that are husbands tend to be a certain type of man' is clearly more accurate.

this will be a harsh wake up call.
Yeah to him hopefully, if OP leaves him ever because he puts work first, he's going to have to have some pretty robust childcare in place for the 50% of the time he's got the kids on his own. (but i'm sure he'll just find himself a certain type of woman)

Lighteningstrikes · 15/09/2025 08:15

Whatever you do, do not try to control the situation with his boss about this.

It won’t make him come home anyway. If anyone did that to me, I would divorce them.

Blondeshavemorefun · 15/09/2025 08:16

ReadingSoManyThreads · 14/09/2025 23:55

I've worked jobs (not saying what exactly) when I worked from 6am until midnight, 7 days per week for 6 weeks in a row. I had about 45 mins travel time each way too, I was fucking shattered. My parents and friends didn't hear from me in all that time, I was working in another country, (didn't have a mobile phone in those days either). @GerberasAreMyFavouriteFlowers so no Gerberas, sometimes people do not have 10 mins.

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So @ReadingSoManyThreads decades ago if no mobile phone

totally different from this situation where @Coffeeoftheworld dh has a phone and WiFi and could FaceTime but (cbfa) can’t be fucking arsed

Ooohlalalalas · 15/09/2025 08:16

Lighteningstrikes · 15/09/2025 08:13

Yabu, sorry.

I’m sorry to hear about your DD and hope she’s improving.

If she’s got a health condition, this presumably could be a recurring theme?

Realistically if it is, do you really expect him to break off work if he’s half way round the world or wherever he is every single time?

The economy is not good (however understanding his female boss might be), and he could be at risk of losing his job one day over this, if this is a recurring theme.

The not face-timing is not good, but it sounds as if he’s under immense pressure.

You need to calm down and breathe and really look at both the reality and practicalities of your situation now and what may be regarding your DD in the future.

The economy is not good (however understanding his female boss might be), and he could be at risk of losing his job one day over this, if this is a recurring theme.

As could OP.

Moonlightfrog · 15/09/2025 08:18

I can see both sides to this. He is a looong way from home and it’s not easy to drop everything and fly home, he doesn’t want to risk his job and let people down. Yes your dd is very unwell but him being there isn’t going to change that as such (though it could help her recovery). If he is a director then him flying home could mess the whole project up and mean others also can’t work?

He could record your dd a video so she can watch it when she’s awake? I know face time is better but the time difference does make it tricky.

I would just ride the next 2 weeks out, concentrate on dd and her recovery.

Lilactimes · 15/09/2025 08:22

Ooohlalalalas · 15/09/2025 08:15

Wives of directors tend to be a certain type of woman.

Nope. 'Directors that are husbands tend to be a certain type of man' is clearly more accurate.

this will be a harsh wake up call.
Yeah to him hopefully, if OP leaves him ever because he puts work first, he's going to have to have some pretty robust childcare in place for the 50% of the time he's got the kids on his own. (but i'm sure he'll just find himself a certain type of woman)

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Yes he probably will @Ooohlalalalas if his wife causes him distraction whilst he’s shooting. He will find himself a certain type of woman and pay good alimony (if hes successful). He will never have the kid 50% of the time.

I wasn’t meaning to be disrespectful about the “wife of the director” either. Those I know are incredible and very strong and independent women and are the director’s rock behind the scenes.

and yes male directors are definitely a certain type of man focused and blinkered in the pursuit of what they want regardless of others feelings.