To be angry with DH for not coming home?

[Coffeeoftheworld]

DH is on a 3 week work trip in Australia, he’s been out there for a week and has 2 more weeks to go. Our DD was admitted to hospital on Friday and DH is refusing to come home to see DD in hospital. He is just saying he “can’t abandon work” and that his boss will be “unhappy” with him if he comes home early. AIBU to he angry with DH for not coming home? DD is asking for him in hospital too and is really ill. I travel for work too sometimes but I would absolutely come home immediately if DD had been taken in to hospital whilst I was away, no matter how unhappy my boss would be with me for coming home. The most that DH has said is to send him “updates” on how DD gets on in hospital. I feel like he doesn’t care about her, he’s always been such a good husband and such a good dad but this makes me feel like he doesn’t care. He also won’t FaceTime her because of “the time difference” between the UK and Australia!

He’s either not where he is meant to be or he’s with someone he shouldn’t be with. There’s no good reason to not FT a 7 year old. A similar thing happened to a friend and it turned out the husband had taken a weeks leave at the end of the trip and gone to Bali with his OW.

My now ex husbands OW traveled from the US to the UK to fuck him.

@Coffeeoftheworld I am so sorry your daughter is in hospital and that life married a selfish man. Stop with the updates as you wouldn't want to disturb I'm when he is oh so busy in his important job, when he asks why you didn't inform him.

It’s either him or the man that Jackie Weaver upset on the parish council has found Mumsnet with his spare time 😂

What’s the point of him coming home? She’s going to be okay and no point you both hanging around a ward. The FaceTime is the real issue

A film director cannot leave mid shoot. That is essentially quitting. It will cost the company thousands and your reputation will be in the bin. They do sometime shoot for 15-20 hours especially if in a tight schedule small budget. Certain conditions etc. and his “breaks” could be fill with notes, meetings, feedback etc.

working in this industry is hard and the jobs are precarious. I do think he cold carve out a couple of minutes to call. But depending on the environment in the shoot it might be frowned upon. His boss might be a mother but she might be ruthless and expect her people to be locked in.

also I know people are saying to contact his boss. Do not. Message him that you are disappointed that he won’t FT. Can he send a video note on WhatsApp for DD? He can do it on the loo.

That's what I was thinking!
Some of the replies feel like a parallel universe, it's not just the child in hospital but the other one too who needs looking after

Wait, two posts ago you told us all it didn’t need to be a fight. That escalated quickly. Is there someone we can call for you?

Come on OP. There’s something very very wrong here…

Sometimes being a parent sucks, doesn't it?

Unfortunately work commitments are not a free pass to unload our kids onto others. If they were, a lot of single parents in this country would be much better off financially.

100% You can imagine what the friend is thinking of the husband. What a twat.

While all this may be true, he’s massively shot himself in the foot with the contact thing. He should be bending over backwards on that side.

No FaceTime and now no messages….

I wouldn’t speak to his boss, but I wouldn’t be messaging updates to a wall of silence either…. If he wants to know how his DD is he can ring like a normal person.
Not coming home is forgivable due to the distance, not caring enough to contact your family and give daily support is not…
He could record a video msg for you daughter and send that, it would take seconds. He hasn’t because sadly he doesn’t care enough…
time to concentrate on you and the little ones and decide where you go from here once she is out of hospital, don’t worry about it all now. Sending you a massive hug.

That’s you.

for lots of other people they have villages and communities who are happy to help chip in when it is needed.

if a friend or family has to travel or work away etc I’ll happily watch their children. It’s not an affront to me or some others to give a hand when needed. If my friend DH needed childcare support while she was working away I would do it. I wouldn’t not expect her to come home and ruin her job and reputation, when I could help.

Yeah there's no way he can't message/reply while using the toilet, a 2 minute phone call if that's all he can manage. Sounds like he's detached from the situation and that is not ok

Agree. You can’t not visit but not call. He should call and send video notes every reset.

especially sending notes as he doesn’t have to get into a back and forth. Very poor form

Contact the manager. Do it straight away. Like now. Outline the situation, say you are angry he won't even message his daughter and make sure she knows his daughter is asking for him. She will hopefully read him the riot act.

Not to make the op feel worse but come on the three year old must feel abandoned. As I said before her whole family just disappeared. This isn’t a 15 year old who understands dads at work, mums with sick sister. This is a very small child.

Its going to be very hard for her even when op comes back from hospital with her sister. After living with someone else for three weeks. Also what about that women’s job?

So yes I do think dad should be home with his other child.

I think he should be FaceTiming his hospitalised daughter.

But he doesn’t want to. Also he clearly has signal where he is as op can see his live location.

A film director? Honestly OP, he's taking the absolute fucking piss out of you - there is no way he is so busy that he can't take 30 seconds to reply to a text. Do not lie down and take this

'Not being able to find 30 seconds in your day to check in on your hospitalised child is unacceptable and abhorrent. She will remember her dads lack of care and love forever. I'm not asking for much, but the fact you aren't even prepared to give us the bare minimum, shows me how much respect you have for me as your wife, and what sort of 'father' you actually are. I'm giving you this opportunity to have a long, hard think about what you do next, because this is our marriage on the line now'

If he has 5 minutes for lunch or a toilet break,he can ft his poorly daughter. No one is THAT busy 🙄🤦‍♂️

For me, it's difficult to argue either way for him coming back without the exact medical details, but absolutely I wouldn't give those details on here either, so totally understand.

But the not Facetiming when his seriously ill DD is specifically asking for it and now not even answering the messages? I mean, what the actual? No effing way, he's being a total asshole.

I wouldn't be sending him text updates.

This is a great response to send.

I am so sorry to hear the type of behaviour and dynamics you are describing is your definition of a “good relationship.”

A previous poster said him leaving work would cost his company thousands, me not being able to work this week is going to cost my company thousands too as the whole project I’m working on will have to be put on hold but there’s nothing that I can do about it as I’m not leaving DD alone in hospital so why is he any different?

My work are going to have to either put my project on hold or find a way to cope without me, they’ve got no choice unfortunately.

He hasn’t even called the hospital either since DD’s been in hospital!

What makes me even more angry with him is that I’m 99% certain his boss would understand if he explained the situation to her and that he needs to come home!

His boss is a mother too so she’d understand.